LAST EDITED ON 03-31-01 AT 12:45 PM (EST)
Previously on the Jerry Springer Show...........
We took 16 of America’s worst teenagers and at the request of their parent’s we shipped them off............to BOOT CAMP. That’s right, today on Part II of “Please send my delinquent teenager to Boot Camp” we’ll follow our troubled teens as they embark on the ride of a lifetime, 30 days in a maximum security drug rehabilitation center for transvestites with eating disorders...oh wait, that was last week’s show...well, anyway, let’s talk with the mother of one of these teenagers, Ms. Rosemary Meyers.
Jerry: Now Ms. Meyers, tell us why you asked us to kidnap your son and ship him to Boot Camp?
RM: Well Jerry, the problem with my son, uhmm Meyers, is that his papa and me broke up when he was just a wee bit over 4, and that was really tough on the boy. I felt so guilty about bringing all those strange men back to the trailer night after night, and I’m sure Meyers felt a little awkward, you know since there was only one bedroom and we both slept in it, but hey, a girl’s gotta make a living and someone had to support his lazy ass.
Jerry: Is Meyers lazy?
RM: lazy, stupid, poor hygiene, a pedophile, hell, he’s got all of his daddy’s traits. But, most of all, he hates authority.
Jerry: Hates authority huh, well let’s see if we can cure him of that in these next few weeks...I guarantee we’ll have him crying in no time.
Now, on to the show!
Opening credits, we get to hear the rules which basically sound like Survivor with a slight twist in it..namely that when you get tossed at Tribal Council, you get to turn around and take someone with you. That ought to make for a nice plane ride home...”Hey good news, bad news...bad news, I just ruined your chance at 500k, good news, you get the window.”
DAY 1: 6:30am....ARRIVAL
The little yellow bus arrives at the army base to drop off our 16 “special” recruits. Four menacing drill instructors (more on them later) await them at the gate. DI Rosenbum, who’s name means “red-ass” in German, jumps onto the bus and begins what seemed like four straight hours of yelling and screaming. You know, the typical “welcome to the army” crap we see in every movie, but these recruits are so re-tar-ded (more on that later as well) that they fall for it hook line and blah blah blah. The fat guy gets off the bus and starts running the wrong way, balloon animal boy (later, just wait) runs right into the back of a screaming DI and one of them even gets the old “steers and queers” question wrong. Hey wait a second, what’s that...okay, who brought the hooker??? Oh, my mistake, that’s just Recruit Katherine in the black leather miniskirt and matching knee-high boots....someone obviously misunderstood the phrase “smart causal” at the bottom of the invitation.
Okay, so the DI’s are getting in the faces of all of the recruits and yelling at them and then the funniest thing I’ve ever seen on Boot Camp happened...one of the DI’s goes up to Recruit Hutak and screams, “what’s your name?!” and she yells back, “Recruit Hutak Sir!” and the DI just like stared at her for a few seconds with this dumbfounded yet amused look like he was either really impressed with her answer or wondering if he left the iron on at home.
THE GAME BEGINS:
DI Red-Ass asks Whitlow where she works and surprise surprise, we have our first product placement shot of the Boot Camp season. Just for the record, it was Campbell’s Soup and the DI made her scream out the slogan two or three times...gee I wonder if Campbell’s might be a sponsor?
The old guy’s name is Lauder and he’s a plumber.
The class clown is quickly identified as Recruit Meyer. “That’s funny huh, there’s always one and guess what, you’re him.” says DI McSweeney (forever referred to from now on as DI Mc)
Then they make Moretti with an “i” kiss a picture of his wife before they throw it away.
Over on the women’s side of the island, DI Don’t Have a Penis jumps on the table to scream in the face of recruit Moretty with a “y” who made the mistake of trying to draw a distinction between being a regular housewife and a military housewife and I gotta say, I agree with DI Don’t Have a Penis on this one.
In an interview, DI Red-Ass lets us know the intricate psychology of being a Drill Instructor, “Basically, we rape them of their individuality and spirit, and then we rebuild them in our own image.”
Recruit Yaney is, get this, a balloon sculptor sir??????? Then he proceeds to sculpt a poodle for DI Mc’s benefit who proceeds to eat the finished product which causes several hundred PETA members to dislodge their camp from in front of Mark Burn-it’s house and hit the road in search of Rupert Murdock’s estate.
10:30 am, KATHERINE QUITS
DI Francisco wants Morettyyyyy to go “download” him some Intel from the bathroom regarding why the ##### Katherine won’t get her ass off the floor. Oh yes, he really did say “download”. So DI No Penis runs into the bathroom where we find Recruit Ramona laying in a rumpled heap on the urine soaked floor...I swear to god with all that leather at first glance I thought she was just the latest victim of “Foot and Mouth” disease. Hey thank you very much, I’ll be here all week.
So “No Balls” convinces Ramona/Gervase/Nick/ to get off her lazy ass and come outside so she can quit with much better lighting and sound conditions. Time out for a second...we need to talk about something. What is it about black people and reality TV???? I mean, every show we see the black guy/girl is either sick (Ramona, Nick) lazy (Gervase, Nick) or crazy (Will Mega, Ayanna). Next thing you know the producers will have them coming out in “white face” and saying “mammy”. And why are all the guys ALWAYS bald??? Think about it.....Gervase, Cyrus, Laterrian, Mega, Taheed. As Asrenio used to say, “Things that make you go hmmm.”
Recruit Wolf who is such a little weasel that we’ll just call him that from now on, is first in line for a haircut. Some incoherent yelling goes on and then Weasel confesses to DI San Fran that he only signed up for Boot Camp “for the money”. OMG <click> no way, the money, how dare he!!! Who are these clowns kidding, why else would they be here...it’s not real boot camp, its not like they’re here for the fricken country.
Alright anyway, everyone gets their hair cut,,,couldn’t they have done this stuff while we were at commercial. Then they take photos, Ramona gets yelled at for smiling. Then it’s off the camp.
In an interview, Kentucky Joe tells us that he don’t much care for having these dang kids screaming in his face so he has devised an intricate plan to get back at them, “When they scream I just a stare at them and yell YES SIR in their face and it makes me feel better.” Woah gramps, you sure showed them.
Recruit Harr is a pig.............................farmer. She let’s us know in an interview that “We’re in Boot Camp. We are no longer uhmmmm, persons of ourselves, we belong to them.” Uhm Private Pigg, the correct line is “We’re no longer in Kansas”, try it out sometime, hell it shouldn’t be that hard to remember, you’re probably from there anyway.
And on to commercials where low and behold, the first commercial is for Campbell’s soup. Coincidence????? BTW, I thought there were laws that said that sponsor’s and their employees were NOT eligible for game show prizes. I smell a fix, or maybe that’s just the aroma of delicious, belly warming Campbell’s soup, uhm-uhm good to the last drop.
Alright, I’m starting to notice that the producers of this show are “caption happy” cause we get a god damned caption or title for every single thing that happens on this crappy show. For instance, do we really need to know in big white letters that the recruits are on a “BATHROOM BREAK”, give me a break (damn am I so not witty). So, I’m not gonna acknowledge every little title that screams across my TV screen....
Okay, where was I...oh yeah, this scene is called “DEPLOYMENT” damn, I did it again...well, anyway basically this is the scene where the recruits head out to camp for the first time. Part of the trek to camp is a 100 yard walk w/ 5 lb packs on their back...so come on down Private Pigg, you’re the next contestant on.................”Too Fat to Walk”. I mean, why is there always one in every show? Do we really need to be entertained by yet another obese American who’s idea of a strenuous hike is trying to make it to the other end of the mall before the food court closes for the day? Give this broad an Orange Julius and get her ass off the show already.
So, Pigg is huffing and puffing her way through the walk while being slightly berated by DI San Fran. San Fran, in an interview let’s us know that he is the DI with a heart, “I’m not really a yeller by nature. I try to get my point across in more of a relaxed, this is what you need to do manner. I can yell, don’t get me wrong, but I find that sitting down with a recruit and reading them poetry while massaging their aching feet is a much more effective way in dealing with, dare I say, a ‘lost’ recruit”.
DI Mc has a different method, “my definition of DI is you take a mother and a father, you take a disciplinarian and a psychologist, you throw in a touch of serial killer and a dab of manic depression, mix it all together and store it in the cooler overnight and what do you have? A Drill Instructor...or a freezer full of dead bodies if you’re a little slow with metaphors. Either way, you get your point across.”
So DI San Fran gives them a tour of the camp....it’s got everything a good summer camp needs, barracks, a mess hall, a medic tent and a lake full of alligators. Then for sh!ts and giggles, they make Balloon Animal Boy lay down and get back up about 20 times...or maybe that was just editing and he only did it once...these shows are tricky like that.
Weasel tells us in an interview, “I’m not here for Boot Camp, this is all just a means to get to the money...and because I’m all of about 5 feet tall, this whole getting to yell at people really helps my obvious Napoleonic complex.
Recruit Thomson without a “P” is a big mutha fuccka, that’s for sure. In an interview he reveals that, “I’m a winner, so I’m gonna win. Whatever I do I’m gonna win, that’s why I’m here. The money is just frosting on the cake.” And by the looks of him, if there’s one thing he knows for sure, its cake.
Now let’s meet the star of the show, Mr. Meyers. Meyers, who works as an Urban Planner, which in layman’s terms means that he’s in charge of bringing the “X” to the rave, is just here to have some fun, “We have the chance to hang out and have fun and screw around and just have fun. Instead, during our free time, the people in charge right now want to do drill...stuff. Free time should be about getting to know each other, but we haven’t gotten to know anybody cause all anyone wants to talk about is how were dressed, even during free time.” Well, apparently Meyers signed up for the wrong reality show cause this one is definitely not the Love Cruise he thought it would be as he then gets yelled and promised punishment by DI Mc for not running fast enough.
Okay, let’s check in with Ramona who’s on her way to the medic with a rare case of “don’t want to be on TV anymore” disease. She tells the medic and DI Have No Penis that she wants to leave cause Boot Camp “just don’t feel right.” Then, in a half assed quitters ceremony in front of all the recruits Ramona tells everyone that her mistake was not “in leaving, but in coming in the first place.” Sounds to me like it was the casting department who made the mistake....good bye Ramona, you won’t be missed. Oh man, even Private Pigg ripped on her in an interview.
Later on that night Meyer gets punished for his day’s worth of goofing off....looks like pushups in the sand for him all night. In interviews the other recruits let us know their disgust for Meyer. Says Recruit Campbell’s Soup Whitlow, “He is not hearing T-E-A-M and he’s not even trying.” Whoa, sow down there Alphabet Soup girl, this is FOX, read your contract under the section titled, “NO SPELLING ALLOWED”, c’mon girl, we got demographics to think about here.
Meyer lets us in on the great dichotomy that is FOX’s Boot Camp, “Everyone here is getting brain washed...were NOT going into the army, were here to win money. Everybody’s playing their stupid game of let’s be whatever, but its.....re-tar-ded.” Okay, can I do it? Can I go ahead and say it? Alright then, here goes..........Hey Meyer, takes one to know one. Actually I agree with him, but c’mon this ain’t the I-HEART-MEYER website, at least not yet.
And now, the birth of the first Boot Camp alliance. It turns out that Thomson without a “P” has taken a shining to our little friend Meyer. In an interview he says, “I got to talk to Meyer late at night and told him that he better pull something dramatic cause he’s in big trouble.” Meyer concurs in his interview, “I talked to Thomson without a “P” last night and he told me that I better get my act together cause a lot of people already have me voted off.” Back to Thomson without a “P”, “I told him to make some crazy speech at breakfast and if he pulled some tears out, the girls would fall for it for sure cause girls are stupid like that..” And then we see footage of Thomson and Meyers talking outside the barracks. So, for the record let’s call this the “Of Mice and Men”alliance only unlike the fabled story, the brains of THIS duo rests squarely on Lennie’s big shoulders.
Everyone gets yanked out of bed and now its time to pick a squad leader for today’s mission. The troops are gathered around and a dog tag is picked randomly out of a hat....and the winner is.....................Julia Roberts for her stunning performance in “Erin Bra-kovich” where she somehow managed to show all of America her breasts without actually showing her breasts...now that’s acting. Okay whatever, Weasel was the real winner. So what this means is that Weasel gets to wear a red shirt and boss everyone around all day and if the tribe successfully completes their Challenge, Weasel gets immunity from the Tribal Council vote.
So now the recruits are at breakfast and its time for Meyer to make his move. First he asks Weasel/Napoleon for permission to address all the recruits:
Meyer: Recruit Meyer requests permission to address the group, sir.
Weasel: Go ahead, but at a low tone.
Where the hell did they dig up this ”at a low tone” asshole, this coming from a 22 year old college student, what the #####’s wrong with this kid? I’m already liking this show cause they’re making it very easy for me to figure out who I like (Meyer of course) and who I hate (everyone else but especially Weasel).
So Meyer stands up and delivers the greatest speech since FDR pulled us out of the Depression.....
“As I was thinking about things last night it made me realize some of my actions and some of the things I’ve done. When I was a kid and 4 years old my mom left us and my dad was always away on business and I had no discipline. I pretty much had the run of the house and that sort of thing. If everyone would give me a second chance and look at my improvement today then thank you very much.”
And then he sat down right away and started eating his cereal again....but he wasn’t finished, no not by a long shot cause a few minutes after that he started crying like a baby, and crying and crying some more. AND IT TOTALLY WORKED! The girls all ran over to comfort him as Lennie looked on nodding his head slowly in approval.
Said Brown, one of the female tempters, “Meyers really impressed me with his speech, to me anyone can be given a second chance if they want to improve themself.”
Echos Morettyyyyy, “A lot of people said it was all fake but I just don’t believe that...I think he deserves a second chance.”
Weasel walks away from the table in disgust as the tears start to fall, obviously a non-believer.
In an interview, a smiling Meyers lets us know what was going through his mind at the time, “I said my little speech and then I sat down and I was like damn, I should’ve cried because there gonna think I’m just faking it. So then I was sitting there and I was thinking about something sad and I was like okay you can do it you can do it and I just started crying.” Time out, Julia get your ass back in here with that award, I think we found the more deserving recipient. Pure genius, I love this kid, too bad’s he too stupid to stick around more than a couple episodes. Better enjoy him while you can cause after he’s gone, this show is gonna suck...mark my words.
Now, on to the mission training....
Let’s see, a lot of running around with sandbags, cleaning the latrines, some occasional yelling and then the grand finale, the treacherous MILE AND A HALF jog. Okay, so Lennie makes a spirited attempt and then nearly has the first ever reality TV cardiac arrest. Everyone else finishes alright, but wait there’s only 14 of them....someone is missing. Who could it be? So, five hours later we see Pigg reaching the halfway point.....I swear to god, the process of erosion could get you there quicker. So, here comes the sad, inspirational music, DI San Fran reads her a poem about sunsets and flowers and then Weasel scurries out there to cheer her on. Soon, all the recruits are cheering her on and then the whole town joins in and it really looks like the Cutters might actually win the race and beat the frat boys this year, but I just couldn’t get into the moment cause I kept screaming at the TV over and over again, “It’s a god damn mile and a half ya fat b!tch! You’ve probably run further than that each day of your life just chasing down the friggen ice cream truck!” So, of course she eventually makes it to the finish line as trumpets blare and Piggy starts crying, “Recruit Pigg feels great.”
Sh!t, even Brown starts crying. Oh wait, she’s an aspiring actress, of course she’s crying, do you really think she’s gonna let some two bit pig farmer steal her spotlight! In an interview she explains the real meaning behind her tears, “Pigg breaks my heart because she is putting out more than anybody. And i don’t know how she can do it but she’s putting out more than anybody.” Sounds like somebody is starting to realize that maybe she should be “putting out” as well if she wants to actually be a part of this show. I recommend Balloon Animal Boy cause you know he’s got rubbers....of course you may end up getting screwed by a poodle in the process, but hey what are you gonna do, this is Hollywood.
Red-Ass briefs Weasel about the mission....basically, they have to take a boat ride and then they have portage the two boats over a bunch of obstacles and then get back in and take another boat ride to the finish line where these wonderful prizes await you..................ONE EXTRA HOUR OF SLEEP TONIGHT. Wow, FUX is really pulling out all the stops with this show. Anyway, the whole thing has to be done in under four hours.
Before we get started we learn that yet another alliance has been borne as Recruit Token Bald Blackman Named Jackson tells us, “There’s a core group of male recruits who are definitely allies, me, Park, Weasel and Morettiiiii.” Echos Park who looks a lot like Curtis from Big Brother so we’ll just call him that, “The four of us, we know were on the same page, there’s no hurt feeling, we don’t step on each other’s toes, there’s no egos there.” Oh really, how’s this for ego as Weasel yells at everyone at the start of the mission, “Jackson, Curtis do you know what your orders are at....I am the leader, we will only be following what I say.” I’m really starting to build a hatred towards this little asshole. Alright, let’s call this group of young Nazi wannabe’s something that distinguishes their alliance from all the rest, how about “The Fascist Four”....that seems to fit.
So, during the mission mass confusion erupts as Steven and Jim take turns screwing things up in order to convince the others that they are in fact, the Mole. Manuel falls for it again and is promptly executed by Recruit Kel Gleason...hey no fair, get off the show buddy, you had your shot.
Anyway, the ladies are non too happy with The Fascist Four and the way they are bossing everyone around. Says Drama Queen Brown, “The women were really angry, I have a problem with Curtis and Jackson that they feel the need to tell everyone else what to do.” Then we see Curtis yelling at Brown on top of an obstacle as he tries to persuade her to jump off.
Says Curtis, trying to explain his actions during the mission, “they got sort of mad cause the men took the lead position and took charge, but we had to based on the parameters of the mission......you know, I think I’m actually skating on thin ice with the female recruits and I have hurt feelings, but I totally don’t mean to. I’ve got a lot of smoothing over to do.” Gee really, see those eight people over there, the ones without dicks, well here’s a news flash for ya smart guy, they get to vote too. All 8 of them, you might not want to piss them off moron. I got a feeling The Fascist Four is not long for this game.
So, the Road Rulers complete their mission in the required time, Weasel is named “Mission MVP” and gets to spin from the Wheel of Good Stuff. And here comes one of the most ridiculous quotes in Boot Camp history, straight from the Weasel’s mouth, “I proved to the squad that pre boot camp = pretty boy, post boot camp = disciplined and ready to play this game. They all understood and realized that I’m a leader and what I’m saying is best for the squad and not one of them had a complaint.”
And now, on to the complaints......”I felt left out” says Alphabet Soup, “ I think most of the women did.” Agrees Hutak, “There are some strong women here, I have no doubts whatsoever that we could’ve carried that boat just fine.”
Now we get the inevitable call home to mom/dad/wife/kids...except there’s one glaring problem with this, someone better explain to the producers that this scene is more effective and believable if it’s done towards the end of the show when you might actually miss somebody, instead of the 3rd fuccking day, are you kidding me???? And one of them, FF member Morettiiii actually cried. You know as much as I loved this show when I watched it, now that I’m starting to actually think about it, this one sucks just as much if not more than the rest of them. What next, the inevitable “Someone’s gay” episode?
Pigg goes to the medic after pulling a groin muscle...gratuitous shots of her groaning in pain trying to put on a sock. I just got to say that FUX has sunk to an all new low with this casting choice. I mean, they couldn’t have found a more fat, disgustingly out of shape piece of trash to exploit if they exhumed the bodies of Chris Farly AND John Candy.....and then sewed them together into one giant heap of.....fatness.
At lunch, the girls are on to The Fascist Four and their plan for genocide and eventual world domination. Of course it wasn’t too hard to realize since they sat together, whispered throughout the meal in a strange foreign tongue and then ended the meal by becoming blood brothers and burning a picture of the Virgin Mary. Says Brown, “those four have a plan to weed out the weak. The weaker people are realizing what’s going on and trying to get rid of the bossy people.” So, sensing his opportunity our hero Meyers starts to work the room. Says Coddington, “When Meyers was at lunch today he told a couple of the other recruits that he had four people that were gonna vote out Curtis.”
Says Meyers in an interview, “The only key for Meyers to not get kicked out is to get the girls to get to vote for somebody else.” Okay, so he talks in the 3rd person, I’m still sticking with my earlier observation that he is the coolest person on this show. He’s so dumb that maybe he needs to talk that way cause pronouns confuse him...either way, I’m willing to overlook it.
Curtis catches wind of this, gee wonder why since Meyers was running around campaigning against him right in front of his face in the mess hall. So Curtis confronts Meyers out on the pier. Meyers tells him what’s what, “Were the good guys, it should be us against them, it shouldn’t be us against us.” Curtis yells at him for going behind his back and I’m thinking what, should he have asked your permission to try and get you voted off? That’s what this game is all about, going behind people’s backs or maybe you didn’t learn that on Big Brother.
DAY OF DISMISSAL
All the recruits are given a notebook to use in evaluating all of the other recruits on a scale of sucks-to-great. Now this makes no sense at all, since these evaluations have nothing to do with the eventual vote but I’ll humor them for another week or so and play along. So the recruits separate to fill out their notebooks. Weasel predicts that Meyers is gone, “Unless some god awful miracle happens between now and dismissal, Meyers is gone”. How’s this for a miracle, midget boy....people don’t much care for Nazi’s, especially when there’s only four of them.
Meyers agrees with me, “I’m voting off Curtis cause he’s turning into this crazy Nazi basically and I think he’s sexist.”
Coddington also is voting for Curtis cause of the Fascist Four alliance and their plan for Boot Camp domination.
Jackson is voting for Pigg so we know that not only is the Fascist Four a bunch of Hitler Youth Wannabe’s, but they’re stupid as well since they can’t even figure out the one basic rule of an alliance.....VOTE TOGETHER. Amateurs.
Curtis is voting for Meyer, duh. Hey I just realized that his name is Meyer not Meyers...oh well, if you think I’m going back and changing it throughout the summary, you’re crazy. I wear my laziness like a badge of honor.
Meyer delivers the line of the night in his final interview before Tribal Council, “What’s about to happen is either Meyer’s out of here or Meyer orchestrated one of the biggest upsets in military history.” That’s right folks, not since Ethiopia sunk the Italian navy has the world seen such a shocking military surprise.
Only one person gets tossed cause Ramona quit the other day, remember? The DI’s give the rules and then Red-Ass plays the role of Jiffy Probe and torments a few of the “endangered” recruits before the voting. Everyone goes up the front of the hill to vote and the funny part was the way they all got up there and looked around like they weren’t sure who to for even though they already decided when they did those pointless evaluations.....I tell ya, someone better iron the wrinkles out of this show before we are inevitably subjected to Boot Camp II.
Fuhrer Weasel addresses the squad before the votes are read with this not so subtle swipe at Meyer, “Although many people say that they have made improvements, someone must go. This is a grueling grueling boot camp and without the strongest survivors the weak links will bring us down as a squad.” Easy there Hitler, I have a question......who cares if there are weak links in the squad, how does that affect ANYTHING in this game?? It’s not like the Mole where they have to complete their missions to raise the prize money. In theory, they could sleep in and blow off every mission and all it will cost them is that extra hour of sleep a night and some asshole like Weasel getting immunity.
So, now Red-Ass gets to deliver the dismissal notice. To build drama he plays the old “It’s Meyer, it’s Curtis, It’s Meyer, It’s Curtis” game as he walks back and forth between the two telling them that they are gone. Ho humm. And then the music stops and Red-Ass starts whispering in Meyer’s ear, “Guess what Meyer?” Meyer ain’t buying it and he refuses to accept the bait so Red-Ass moves on down to Curtis and delivers the bad news....the one-legged guy with cancer is getting the money. Just like they always do.
Curtis is thrown out of the line and then all the recruits who voted for him are told to take one giant step forward, put their left leg in and shake it all about. (BTW, did you ever notice how I always manage to get the word “shake” into all of my summaries....that’s my version of the Alfred Hitchcock cameo). So, it turns out that the “Of Mice and Men” alliance of Lennie and Meyer teamed up with five of the women to deliver the needed seven votes to get rid of Curtis. The Facist Four all voted for Meyer along with Lauder and some broad I didn’t recognize. Pigg voted for Pua from Road Rules Semester at Sea and Balloon Animal Boy forgot to vote cause he was too busy trying to master the elusive 8-tentacle octopus balloon animal.
In the previews for next week’s episode we see that Meyer is up to his old bag of tricks as he fakes a shoulder injury to get out of training and low and behold, SOMEONE’S GAY!