SAVE THE DYING FOR YOUR MAMA AND PUSH!
Alright, I know what you’re all thinking......why should we read a single word this maggot has to write. Where was Shakes last week when brave, courageous and completely out of shape Private Pigg was receiving a shocking discharge up on blood soaked Dismissal Hill? Who was there to recite her eulogy? Nobody , that’s who. And who PROMISED to be there to eulogize Recruit Babe: Pig In the Barracks? Shakes the @sshole Clown, that’s who! This is Boot Camp, you ego driven attention seeking pussy birthday party clown! This is FOR REAL! This is serious! This ain’t some walk on the beach Slut Island or fancy shmansy “Idiots on Parade: The Mole”! If we can’t trust you to write a lousy summary then how the hell can we trust you to charge a fox hole? The answer is....we can’t! And quite frankly, after last week’s display, we’re not sure we even want to.
Okay, you guys happy, you all got that off your chest....can we get back to business now? Actually, before I continue I’d like to thank Hazemonster, of hazemonster.com for providing me with a copy of last week’s episode. The problem is that my computer froze up later on that night so I had to shut it off....and I never bothered to save the BootCamp.mpg so I lost the whole thing... So yes, to answer your question....I am still making excuses like the non-motivated, non-disciplined recruit that I am. If I promise to never do it again will you give me back my most prized possession in the whole wide world, a wallet sized picture of my kids from 80 years ago. Ohh, to think of the tears I’ve shed looking at that.
Alright, enough procrastinating...let’s get this sh!t over with.
LAST WEEK on Boot Camp................
Denise Austin led the squad through a grueling session of Dancerobics down on the beach. Recruit “you’re a man, baby” Hutak was elected Squad Leader, but despite the fact that she sleeps with sailors on a regular basis, she was unable to lead the squad to a successful mission. Actually that’s being nice.....to be honest, the last person to fvck up this bad was probably the guy in charge of athlete security at the 1972 Munich Olympics. It was THAT bad.
Also on the big un-summarized show from last week, Recruit “Any colour I choose to be” Brown somehow managed to shock her fellow Survivors with the news that she is (drum roll please) M-O-O-N, that spells “gay”. I don’t understand why the other Temptors were “shocked” by the news. Haven’t they ever seen “reality (hardly)” TV before?? There’s always a gay person....it’s practically required by law. In fact for all these shows, on the pre-production check list it’s right up there at the top, even ahead of “film”.
Oh wait, apparently even more wild and wacky stuff happened last week. The narrator tells us that “Pushing his body beyond its limit, Recruit Thomson was sidelined with a mysterious medical condition.” Uhmm, mysterious???? I don’t know about you guys, but I don’t think you gotta go to Med School to figure out that:
Fat + Grossly out of shape + 10 hours of grueling exercise a day = better dial 9-1- just in case.
While on the Men’s side of the Island, Meyer decided to actually start trying a little when he figured out after a week that this whole thing is basically an extended Gym class....and that was by far his bestest subject growing up.
Also on the show, “Pigg’s medical condition drew resentment from the squad.” Medical condition?? How stupid does this show think we is? Hold on, let me once again pull out my Fat-to-Hurt conversion chart and see where this little piggy stacks up. Okay, after reviewing the numbers I gotta say that there comes a time in everyone’s life when you gotta ask yourself, “Am I farming the pigs or are the pigs farming me?”
Let’s see, what else....oh yeah, the lawyer’s a b!tch.....shocker.
At Tribal Council, Pigg got poached and she took Pupo the token b!tchy lawyer down with her just for sh!ts and giggles. Now on to the show............
Day 9: Wake up call
It turns out that the women have their sh!t together as opposed to the men who are all over the place. Then I lose my train of thought as we see a shot of Balloon-Boy cause he’s wearing his pants “gangsta” style and his @ss ain’t “ghetto” enough to pull it off. Just as were about to be scarred for life with an image of Balloon-Boy’s “special balloon animal”, you know the one that he likes to show the kiddies, but only after the birthday party’s over and no adults are around....we are thankfully saved by a quick merciful pan of the camera.
During the lineup, DI San Fran pulls Thomson aside and asks him how he’s doing. Cut away to an interview with Thomson where he says, “The did a bunch of x-rays and determined that it might be something to do with my ticker. The other doctors are concerned cause they don’t understand exactly why I’m 29 years old and I seem to be in exceptional shape and I’m having these problems.” Uhmm, I don’t know what you’re idea of “exceptional shape” is, but I think it’s a little lower down in expectations from my idea of what it means. Jackie Joyner Kersey, she’s in exceptional shape. You, you look like a cross between the lead singer from “Midnight Oil” and Wimpy from “Popeye”.
At breakfast, Thomson tells Coddington that he will vote with the girls, even if he has to do it from his grave. Then in an interview he states, “I have Meyer on my side for life, which unfortunately might only be another 45 minutes. If, by some miracle of modern medicine, I live to see the end of this series I’m in good shape cause Meyer won’t discharge me when he gets the boot.”
Meyer agrees in his interview, or at least he tried to agree, but it’s hard to understand what he says cause apparently he’s been on the wrong end of a life-long losing battle with the English language. Here, see for yourself, “ Thomson helped orchestrate, uhm, me staying in the first round cause without him, me would’ve been outta here.”
Recruit Melissa Ethridge Brown is shaping up to be the big gay leader of the entire big gay world. She’s not buying Thomson’s act for one minute....”Thomson is completely playing everybody. He seems like the big nice guy, but I feel like its all a big act.”
Thomson calmly retorts in an interview, “I don’t really manipulate people, but I read people really well. If I can explain myself and make people understand they usually see that it’s in their best interest to do what I say. If not, I kill them, simple as that...and my pulse never goes above 65.”
Later on in the morning, the squad is informed that Morettiiiii will wear the coveted orange jersey this week. Says Morettiiiii...”I em zee leader. You vill do vhat I say!”
The team goes through morning exercises and much grunting and sweating is heard and seen. Then, we receive further proof that FOX just doesn’t get it as we see the Network’s take on the famous “Baywatch Babe running on the beach” shot.......a flat chested Recruit Coddington vomiting into the surf while stumbling and clenching her stomach. Classy.
Thomson finishes the jog and somehow manages to NOT have a heart attack, but comes very very close. I swear to god, this guy is so “one foot in the grave” he shouldn’t even leave the house to pick up milk at the store without a defibulator (sp?) on hand.
And then the moment we’ve all been waiting for! The famous “line of the show”, you know, the one from all the previews. Let me set the scene for you. Meyer is down on the ground doing push-ups, it’s 1:30 in the afternoon and DI Red-Ass is bent over right in his face...and as Meyer struggles to do another push-up, Red-Ass gets right in his ear and growls, “This could RIPPP two people apart.” Oh wait, wrong show...sorry about that, too many summaries this season, I’m getting confused. We all know the line, it was “Save the drama for ya mama and push.” Uhm Red-Ass, didn’t you listen to Meyer’s heartfelt confession from Episode #1..his mom left when he was five. It makes my eyes water up just thinking about it.
DI Mc tells Thomson that he isn’t allowed to participate in Gym class anymore, “you don’t do sit-ups, you don’t do push-ups, you don’t do anything. The last thing I need is for you to keel over and do the funky chicken.” Thomson is sent once again to the medic tent for testing and observation. Thomson explains that, “the tests that I passed I came out fairly normal...those tests were in English, Algebra and Social Studies. However, I failed every test related to the condition of my heart. But, overall I think I got a solid GPA. I thought they were just gonna give me some medication, slap me on the ass and send me back into the game, but apparently FOX doesn’t want anyone to die on one of their shows. Now who would’ve ever thunk that?”
DAY 10: Mission Training
The recruits spend the morning learning how to carry dead bodies...gee, that’s gotta make someone feel good about joining the army. Next up is Hum-Vee training, which seems entirely unnecessary later on when you see the mission. DI Mc tells the recruits, “today you will be driving a hummer. Has anyone here had any experience with hum-vees?” As if by instinct, Coddington yells out, “No Sir, but I know all about hummers!” 10 bucks says Recruit Coddington ends up doing a lot of late night one-on-one punishment with the DI’s.
All the recruits take a spin with DI Don’t Have a Penis and another recruit in the back seat. Hutak used to race trucks before her sex change operation so she is pretty adapt with the Hum-Vees. Recruit “Mmm, Mmm Good” Whitlow drives so fast and reckless that she nearly shakes the “gay” right out of Recruit Brown. DI Don’t Have a Penis, apparently of the “old school military”, encourages her, “Shake it off Brown, shake it off!”
During the next stage of the training we are treated to a brand new feature on the big show, the Official Boot Camp Weather and Traffic Report. As the recruits begin the vehicle repair training a graphic flashes across the screen letting us know that <*><*> it’s currently 89 degrees and sunny with a light breeze coming out of the Northwest<*><*> Meyer agrees with the thermometer in his own cute sort of English language challenged way, “the heat thing going on here is making Meyer hot and wearing these stupid fatigue things only makes it worse for Meyer. So I did what any rational person would do, I faked a seizure and fainted.”
The other recruits aren’t buying Meyer’s latest Oscar clip. Said Recruit Weasel, “Meyer’s getting a little crazy, it seems like the whole Boot Camp thing is getting to him.” Hello Kettle, this is Pot, you’re black.
During the tire changing exhibition, SL Morettiiiii accidentally (wink wink), and repeatedly, clocked Recruit Tracy Chapman Brown in the face with a tire iron. DI mc asks Brown if she wants to “hit him back”, to which Brown replies “no thanks, Sir” and then runs off into the bathroom to vomit (don’t worry, the camera caught up to her...god forbid we should miss a vomit shot on a Reality TV show). Morettiiiiii, ever the compassionate human being that he is, shows sincere remorse for his actions, “My feeling on Brown is I don’t know her well enough. She’s an actress, that’s what she does. That’s her profession. But, give me another couple of weeks with her and I’m sure I’ll be crying at the first sight of her photo.”
Later in the afternoon SL Grampa Walton assigns chores to everyone....Lauder and Hutak must sweep and dust, Brown, Morettyyyyy and Balloon-Boy must gather firewood, Meyer and Coddington must clean the bathrooms, Jackson has to rake the sand and Weasel and Mmm, Mmm Good have to, get this, build a sand castle. Whatever. Weasel tells Whitlow that Meyer is gone at the next Tribal Council. Yaney says the same thing to Brown and Morettyyyyy.
Then came one of the funniest things I’ve ever seen on a TV show. As the recruits were gartering sand bags, Weasel took off his shirt, struck a profile and froze for the camera in his best runway pose. Is this guy for real? Hey Weasel, the camera adds pounds, not height! You’re always gonna be too short to be taken seriously so you might as well just give it up...it ain’t working. SL Meyer agrees, “He is just so into himself and his body and he thinks he’s so cool, but he’s no fun and most people don’t like to be around non-fun people and the girls don’t like non-fun people, and Meyer isn’t non-fun.”
Weasel reveals in an interview that Whitlow has agreed to NOT vote him off. Whitlow has a different take on the “agreement”....”I’ve decided to go with the group...Weasel is up.”
Back from commercials, we are told that today’s reward for a successful mission is that each recruit will get to retrieve one personal item from the box of goodies the DI’s took from them on Day 1. Everyone wants a photo of their family except Balloon-Boy, who wants his balloons of course, and Weasel, who wants his razors. What a tool.
Then, Morettiiii gets briefed for the upcoming mission, Operation M.O.T.H. Basically, it’s the same crap they had to do for the last couple of days of training.....drag some dead bodies and fix a jeep. And they have one hour to do it or else no photos. Yawn. So, in order to make a long, boring summary shorter I’ll jump to the highlights. The only interesting part of this mission was that we finally got to learn the answer to the age old riddle...How many media-whores does it take to change a tire??? And the answer is eleven, the one old guy with half a brain to do the work and ten others to stand around with a dazed look of awe at his efforts and accomplishments. So, everyone stood around and watched Recruit Rudy chang all four tires by himself. In an interview, Rudy expressed his displeasure with the younger generation, “They’re all asking stupid questions..what do I need the wood for, what do I need the tire iron for, what’s a jeep? It’s common sense you MTV lovin’ punks!”
Balloon-Boy agrees, “Lauder was the mission MVP...well, either him or Cyrus, but he was definitely in the top two.” <*><*> it’s currently 76 degrees, wind out of the Northwest and the barometric pressure is steady. Travel and weather on the hour, here at Boot Camp<*><*>
So, blah blah blah, the mission is successful and everyone returns to the barracks to find their personal items on top of their bunks.....the inevitable “ridiculously over-dramatic crying scene” ensues which I won’t bother to write about out of protest...if you really want to know what happened feel free to visit any of my previous summaries, I am sure you will find plenty of carbon copy crying scenes to choose from. In a shocking twist that would make even Mark Burn-it jealous, Recruit Hutak, who sounds like Marlon Brando from “On The Waterfront”, breaks down and admits that if she hadn’t convinced her sister to go out to the store to pick up Hutak’s hormone medication, she would’ve been safe at home instead of out playing “instant-convertible” with the underside of a semi-truck.....”It’s been five years since I inadvertently caused my sister’s horrific death, but I still cry about it sometimes, you know, when the camera is on me. It’s a shame she’s gone cause...she coulda been a contenda, she coulda been a contenda.”
Later on that night in the Rec Room, Balloon-Boy demonstrates that what Van Gogh is to a jug of paint, BB is to a bag of balloons. Seriously, did you see the stuff he put together....I was impressed, professionally speaking that is. He made a huge 10-balloon heart for Coddington, a batman suit (not really) for Fuhrer Weasel who the girls have started referring to as “Mighty Mouse” and of course, what would a balloon sculpting demonstration be without stereotypical racist undertones.....Jackson gets a basketball hoop...figures.
Back at the barracks, a touching moment reminiscent of “Stanley and Iris” is developing between little Lauder and DI San Fran as Lauder is just learning how to read. Here is a sampling from this tender “after school TV special quality” moment between Lauder and his personal tutor:
Lauder: “Recruit Lau...laud, Recruit Laud,”
San Fran: “Lau-der”
Lauder: “Lauder requ...requ”
San Fran: “requests”
Lauder: “requests, Sir”
I was laughing too hard to actually hear what he was talking about so I’ll just move on....
Now, on to the strategy part of the program. <*><*> it’s 68 degrees and cloudy, we have noticeable delays on the interstate as well as on the freeway. And the wind is out of the northeast.<*><*> Apparently, Meyer has been whoring himself to the women. Says Whitlow, “Meyer has made himself accessible and willing to vote with the women.”
Says Meyer, “I’d rather kick out Weasel instead of any of the girls, cause I think I can really score with some of these chicks, and that would be fun and Meyer likes when stuff is fun.”
Fuhrer Weasel reveals the modern day location of the 3rd Reich in an interview, “It’s Jackson, Morettiiii, Lauder and myself. Those are the four right there, and they are all living somewhere in the jungles of Argentina.”
Jackson, who is a film maker which is a fancy way of saying that he holds the camera, has this to say about Meyer...”Meyer is dumber than......than......than....hmmm...oh I got it, a bag full of dry leaves.” With such a brilliant wit it’s obvious that the term film maker does NOT encompass “screen writing”. This guy probably couldn’t even write a porno.
And now the moment we’ve all been waiting for, yet another half @ssed recruit quits and leaves the show. This time the obvious candidate is Thomson. Thomson tries to deny the fact that his heart works about as well as one of those old Coleco “Adam” computers. Then, he gets to address his former recruits at which time we get to see even more gratuitous crying, this time from Meyer. Said Meyer, “Thomson was the only person keeping Meyer alive...now I’m kind of screwed.” Oh, nice to see you’re so concerned about Thomson’s health, @sshole. You know, I just realized what a hypocrite I am considering my Hutak comments from earlier in the summary....oh well, Do as I say, not as I do.
Day 12: Dismissal Day
Fuhrer Weasel reveals that he might be a target for dismissal tonight, “the ladies are getting together and they want to get rid of all the leaders which means me or Jackson. This is kind of a shock cause I’ve been nothing but a misogynist pig since the day I first put on my fatigues...and I thought chicks loved that kind of sh!t.”
Weasel tries to save his ass by going for a walk with the power player of the tribe, Recruit Meyer. Here is the transcript of the summit between these two great military minds:
Weasel: “I have saved you time and time again....remember Kasserine Pass?”
Meyer: “What are you talking about, you just admitted to Meyer that you tried to vote Meyer out before.”
Weasel: “That was before we became such good friends.”
Meyer: “Are you telling me I should trust a guy who voted for me.”
Weasel: “You got on my nerves then, we weren’t cool then. You got us in trouble.”
Meyer: “Is that bad, it’s humor.”
Weasel: “No, but if someone was going to get voted off it was gonna be you.”
Meyer: “Fine vote out the funny guy who makes us have fun cause who doesn’t like to have fun...Meyer likes to have fun.”
At this point Weasel storms off to try his luck arguing with a brick wall. On the way he runs into Recruit Indigo Girls Brown and the rest of the “Pink Ladies”. Weasel confronts them that he can’t believe that in a game where people get voted out, someone would have the nerve to actually vote him out. Then he accuses Brown of using Meyer as a pawn in her evil plan to take over the world. An argument ensues with much hair pulling and name calling cumulating in a “No you’re a big liar’ debate, before both sides politely agree to disagree. Then in an interview Weasel concedes that, “the girls are a lot smarter than I thought they were, not that I ever said that they were stupid, just that they were as dumb as cows....but, I always meant the smarter cows.”
Weasel continues in a later interview, “Every hour there’s a new rumor around here....in fact, I just heard that Lauder is dating Bjork and that Tom Cruise is, get this, a homosexual.”
When Weasel returns to the barracks, Morettiii is there to confront him, “What did they say, what did the girls say? Did they say anything about me? Did any of them say I was cute cause I’m thinking of asking Coddington to the Officer’s Ball...I hear she’s easy.”
The Pink Ladies return to their barracks to reassess their strategy at which point they decide that although they want to get rid of Weasel, they are afraid to trust Meyer to vote their way cause he’s been acting like a big mouthed idiot ever since his soul mate Thomson checked out of the game (and almost life). <*><*> its currently 64 degrees and raining, wind out of the southnorth<*><*>
Alright, as we all know the only reason to watch this show is because of the cool voting dismiss/discharge voting twist....with Thomson dead, this makes two out of three episodes where they won’t even get to use it...what a joke.
In honor of the show’s motto, I’m gonna save the drama for your overdone, over-dramatic TV shows and just tell you who goes.......in a closer that it looks 10-1 vote, Meyer is off to seek his fun on any number of new FOX shows, such as “Birth Defects: 23 years later” and “Cops Special Edition: When Drunken Frat Boys Have Too Much Fun With Underage Passed Out Coeds.”
In his parting words Meyer says, “to my fellow recruits, goodbye and uhm, good luck and uhmmm SAN DIMAS FOOTBALL RULES!!!”
Next week on Boot Camp, Lauder plays the “dead wife” card to garner sympathy and air-time, BB blows up more than just balloons, and yet another Survivor is voted out of the tribe. Who will be the Ultimate Survivor?