LAST EDITED ON 09-24-03 AT 01:54 AM (EST)Temptation Island 3
Episode 4 Summary
“I Know He Likes Nice Girls”
The wind blows. The rain pours down. The power goes out. Hurricane Isabel is in town. No, wait, that’s Hurricane Survivor over on CBS. Poor Temptation Island Three – with Hurricane Survivor blowing through, nobody’s going to watch. In fact, I think even I’ve forgotten who’s on this show. Let’s see, there’s the woman in the Boy Scout uniform, and the guy who looks like Hagrid, and the … oh, no, it’s starting to come back to me now. Rats.
For the rest of you who may have forgotten (in other words, for everyone outside of the handful of hard-core fans), the whole idea of Temptation Island is to tempt couples to break up their relationships. The first time, one couple was kicked off the show after it turned out they already had a child together, and all the other couples chose unity. The second time, one couple left the show to get married, one couple stayed together, and the other three blew apart with Hurricane Isabel-like force. This time, we’ve got one couple with little future (Melissa and Michael), one couple that could go either way (Stephanie and Anthony), one couple that’s on vacation (Kristin and Eric), and one weirdo couple (Kara and Jason). SO WHY ARE WE WATCHING?
Maybe it’s to see how these couples will stick it to each other.
Right now, the drama center is Michael and Melissa. Michael is getting in touch with his inner bimbo. He’s remembering that he loves women, as long as he can ignore everything above the neck except for the lips. Melissa is a former beauty queen who has launched a new career as a drama queen. Currently she’s broken up because no one likes her boyfriend of choice, Jerome. But even if everyone liked Jerome, she’d be broken up. The producers love her.
The producers hate Eric and Kristin, though. These two should be picking out dinnerware patterns together, not visiting Temptation Island. So far, neither has watched video of the other. Kristin says it’s because she’d be too crushed if she saw Eric acting like Michael. But we know better. It’s because these two are more boring than Ma and Pa Kettle. The chances of Eric acting like Michael are about the same as the chances of him bending it like Beckham.
Jason, aka the Tattooed Man from the circus, made it clear right off the bat that he hated Jeff. Anthony made it clear right off the bat that he thought Derrick was his biggest threat. So, naturally, Kara has been dating Jeff and Stephanie has been dating Derrick. I could probably get a tame psychologist to explain it, but there’s no time – a new episode is beginning.
Kara says that she and Jeff are connecting on an intellectual level. Right. She’s upset that Tattoo has been going after women on a physical level. Well, Kara, I’m sure Jason would like to connect intellectually with some of the single women, but I expect that most if not all of the women have moved beyond “Hooked on Phonics.” Melissa is upset that Michael was engaged in some physical touching in the last clip she saw. (Uh, Melissa, I think the word you want is “foreplay.”) Naturally, Melissa wants to make sure that everyone knows she’s unhappy, so she takes her “couple” necklace off, twirls it around like a lasso until she gets every eye in the house to look at her, and then casually – but dramatically – drops it on the bar, so that all of the guys can see how available she is. Think Glenn Close in Fatal Attraction, guys, and stay clear.
Meanwhile, Michael and Jason are hoping for catfights. At that point, the producers unleash two hungry tigers, who rip Michael and Jason’s bodies into shreds. No, wait, not that kind of catfight -- that was just a power surge from the hurricane. Michael and Jason are still there, intact. Rats.Women’s Second Dates: Reshuffle
Like the men, the women get to choose their second dates. Kristin goes first. Maybe the producers asked her to “shake up” the dating arrangements in return for some camera time (since she’s not about to be tempted), because she chooses Stephanie’s beau-du-jour Derrick. Stephanie is ticked, but Kristin doesn’t have a beau, so she chooses … Jeff, Kara’s boy toy. Then it’s Melissa’s turn, and she picks Sterling, not Jerome. Finally, it’s Kara’s choice, and she whines about the prior picks. Still whining, she picks Giulio, whom she looks upon as a friend … and not “friends with benefits,” either.
Kara and Giulio go kayaking. Nothing happens. In confessional, Kara says she’d pick Jeff for a romantic date. Stephanie and Jeff also go kayaking. They discover that they have a lot in common. Jeff seems to forget that he ever knew anyone named Kara. But Stephanie still seems to be thinking about Derrick. Do we even need second dates when the women have already made up their minds? Let’s just have ‘em share a bedroom.
Kristin and Derrick go horseback riding to a picnic. As most women know, most men are only interested in talking about themselves; women through the years have grown accustomed to being good listeners on first dates and speaking only enough to avoid lulls in the conversation. A woman who talks as much as a man is “too chatty.” But Kristin doesn’t care. She talksandtalksandtalksandtalksandtalks. She talks on horseback. She talks during the picnic. She clearly isn’t looking to win any dating points here. I’d like to make fun of her, but I found the role reversal to be delicious. Like most men, Kristin thought the date was lots of fun. Like most women, Derrick didn’t. Ahh, poor baby.
Finally, it’s Melissa and Sterling, who ride … a banana boat. Day-O! Dayyyyyyy-O! Daylight come, and me wanna go home! Nope, the show’s still on, so you’ve got to stay on Temptation Island. They fall overboard. No crocs. Darn. Melissa wants to talk about her favorite subject: Jerome. Sterling encourages her, saying that Jerome is his friend, while wondering how, in just a few short days and one prior date, three of the four coupled women have already “paired off” with single men. Good question. Even though the dates were a reshuffle, they were a waste.Men's Party: Changing Partners
The men, meanwhile, create their own drama while partying with the single women. Especially Michael, who has already found himself a new drama queen: Sandra. Sandra wants more attention from him. He brushes her off and tells her he’s not attracted to her. Instead, Michael nuzzles Tiffany, who says there must be something wrong with Michael and Melissa’s relationship if he’s so interested in her. Very self-aware, Tiffany – you’re right; no normal guy would want to touch you with a ten-foot pole. She says she could definitely see herself with Michael. Well, yeah, if the alternative is to continue a string of one-night stands, then Michael probably looks pretty good. We see Michael rub her stomach … and maybe points south.
Meanwhile, Anthony switches his focus from Ida to Ashley. Ida is OK with the change – she’s probably had to put up with being known as “Ida-Ho” all her young life and isn’t about to give people a good reason to start it again. Ashley and Anthony hop in a hammock together and start testing the rocking motion, as Anthony uses a pillow to hide some lip action. No slurping noises, though.Elimidate
The coupled men have to eliminate two single women from their camp. They huddle. Will Michael have Sandra dumped? No. The men vote to eliminate Kristen and Melanie, whom they say don’t fit in. Translation from menspeak: “fit in” = “put out.” Kristen looks disappointed and a little hurt. Looks like she would have done some serious lap dancing if she’d known. Melanie, on the other hand, looks relieved. She should be. Nice vacation in a tropical paradise, and no greasy Michael or Anthony paw marks … or Jason tattoo tracings … on her.
Now it’s the women’s turn. We see Jerome and Ian telling Melissa that some of the other guys have it in for Jerome. They tell her to pick whomever she wants to stay, because you can’t bring someone back once he’s gone. Melissa loves it; she has plenty of camera time to play out her “inner agony” over her choices. Hey, Ethel Barrymore, save it for the close-ups, OK? Geez, didn’t they let her bring her Prozac on this trip?
OK, to the pool. 9 guys. Each woman picks 2 to stay. 8 stay. 1 goes. Why bother? Here’s why: to get another dramatic Melissa moment. Kara picks Jeff – surprise (not). Stephanie picks Ian, which is a surprise; I guess she wants to see if Kristin picks Derrick. Melissa picks Sterling. Kristin picks … Giulio. Back to Kara, who saves Ryan. Stephanie now picks Derrick, apparently being convinced that he means nothing to Kristin. It’s Melissa’s turn. She hems. She haws. She stutters. In the time it takes her to pick, you could fly from Temptation Island to China ... and back again. She whimpers. She whines. And she picks … wait for it … here it comes … any time now … here it is … it’s … it’s … it’s … Jerome, naturally.
Melissa says she feels like a fool. Kara shakes her head derisively. Melissa cries.
Kristin picks Mike, and Chris goes home. He’s OK with it. Maybe he’ll hook up with Melanie.
Melissa cries. This woman has more water in her than Hurricane Isabel.
Melissa and Jerome find their own hammock and cuddle. In a confessional, she says he’s quieter and calmer when he’s not with a group of people. Considering her own theatrics, how can she tell?Bonfire: Fun versus No fun
The men head to bonfire. Eric, as usual, chooses not to watch. Apparently he thinks bonfire is too early to fall asleep, and Kristin hasn’t done anything to keep us – or him – awake.
Anthony watches. Stephanie is with Derrick. Anthony starts to trash Derrick, but Mark Walberg stops him, saying “She’s obviously chosen to spend her time with him.” Anthony may not be the shiniest apple in the basket, but he can actually put two and two together: if she picks losers, what does that make me? A rare intellectual breakthrough for this turkey. It’s one of the first times on this show that Wannabe Marky Mark seems to be right on top of things. Maybe he finally realizes that if TITee fails, his career will fall just like one of the losers on his show Russian Roulette on the Game Show Network, so he’d better try to spice things up.
The put-down of Anthony seems to affect Jason, and he passes on watching the clip of Kara. Or maybe he doesn’t remember who Kara is any longer. But Michael won’t pass, because he craves drama. Why else is he with Melissa? Why else is Sandra still around? If it doesn’t work out with Melissa, he could always join a community playhouse.
Michael gets to see Melissa with Jerome, and there’s a voice-over by Ryan talking about Melissa not wearing her necklace because her relationship with Michael is failing. However, all we see is Jerome whispering in her ear – maybe sweet nothings, or maybe macroeconomic theory, we can’t tell. Michael says that he’s “the Iceman” and that he doesn’t believe she took off her necklace. He also doesn’t believe that the Earth is round or that there isn’t a Santa Claus.
Now it’s time for the coupled women’s bonfire. This time it’s a “Must Play Clip” from the coupled men’s party with the single women, featuring all the men, and all the women have to watch it, even Kristin. We see … Eric smoking, Michael draped all over Tiffany like a cheap suit as his hands rove over her body, Jason in the hot tub with a partner, and Anthony in the hammock with Ashley. Stephanie says that she’s happy that Anthony’s with a different girl. She says, “I know he likes nice girls.” Then why is he with her? Apparently she doesn’t realize that Anthony changed from Ida to Ashley because Ida wasn’t "Ida-Ho." Although he got to first base with Ida, his success rate with Ashley makes him look like Bobby Bonds.
Kristin is irritated … that Eric is smoking (!), not about his conduct. She fires off a zinger, noting that Eric isn’t as “connected” to a single woman as the other three coupled guys are. OK, so now we know why the producers picked her – she’s the smart one, the one who can see the obvious. The other women are, to put it politely, stung by her comment. Bzzzz.
Kara thinks that Jason is having a good time. Guess she doesn’t mind when he heads over to the strip club, either. Hey, maybe she can hook up with Ben Affleck – he’s supposed to be available now. Bet Kara won’t insist on a “no-cheating” clause in the prenup, unlike his ex-fiancée.
But, of course, the drama torch finally passes - as always - to Melissa. To be honest, this time, it’s not out of place. Despite her big show of dumping it before, she’s still wearing her necklace – but now she dramatically drops it in the sand and says she isn’t going to wear it again. She cries. She whimpers. She says he’s a jerk. Then she describes the show: “One minute it’s a lot of fun, and then it’s not.” Right. It’s a lot of fun when Jerome is hitting on you, but it’s not much fun when Michael is doing the same thing with some other bimbo … one who might be more willing to drop her bikini bottom for him than you are for Jerome. She’s still moaning about the tape as she leaves without her necklace. Another whine mess she's gottten us into.
Kristin, the smart one, picks up the necklace and brings it along. The Drama Queen will need a prop again soon.
NEXT TIME: The only hurricane is named Jason. Lots of flirting. But ... no action? We shall see.
Soylent Green: recycling America, one person at a time.