LAST EDITED ON 09-13-03 AT 03:11 AM (EST)
Official Temptation Island 3
Episode III – Nothing Important Happened Today
Wednesday, September 10th, 8 p.m.
24 hours ago, in an apartment not too far away…
Realizing the unspeakable torture that is another hour of Temptation Island of Lost Souls is but a day away, your humble summary writer begins to plot a way to avoid watching this episode. Hours into the night, and a wastebasket full of crumpled up and discarded ideas later, a smile slowly creeps across his face as a (not so) brilliant plan hatches in the depths of his mind. He knows the perfect man for the job. He sends an urgent missive to the mysterious Lady in Blue:
This is a matter of utmost importance. The FOX network is conducting insidious mind control tests on an unsuspecting populace by means of a show intent on the destruction of the newkular family known only by the codename: Temptation Island. I know of only one way to subvert their evil plans. Please send Station Manager Bubba to:
Help me Bebo Wan Kenobi, you’re my only hope.
P.S. I will pay for shipping.
Sending the droid carrying the plea eastward, your summary writer can only hope and pray it reaches her in time…
Thursday, September 11th, 7:55 p.m.
Despair begins to set in as Station Manager Bubba still has not arrived to put an end to the suffering of the three people still watching this show. I sigh and check the clock, realizing that I will have to watch afterall.
A black screen appears, with the following warning:
This episode contains discussion of sexual behavior. Viewer discretion is advised.
Translation: No one on this island is actually getting any.
Now, I know this may turn off 33% of the viewing audience, the one dirty old man who is tired of watching scramblevision, but me? I’m overjoyed. It assures us that for today, anyway, the world is safe from even the accidental offspring of these losers.
For some inexplicable reason, the producers decide that we actually care enough about this show that they should spend half an hour (it feels like it anyway) rehashing the first two episodes. Cue voice over of host Mark L. Walberg (the L is for…oh, nevermind) explaining, with all the gravitas that only Mark L. Walberg can lend it, that the sadistic bastiges at FOX have stranded four supposedly committed couples who, for reasons unbeknownst to all rational human beings, volunteered for this, on an island and will tempt them to break up with a gaggle of dime store incubi and succubae. The couples’ angst-ridden faces (which surely cannot express a depth of pain greater than mine at watching this show) are displayed with ominous (yeah, right) graphics of flames in the background. Who will stay together and who will have a Change of Heart? Does anybody care?
Cut to host Mark L. Walberg striding purposefully along the strand of the seashore. Gesticulating wildly ala John Madden, he promises/threatens that we will find out HERE (and by HERE, he means “in my pants,” but sorry Marky, we’re not fooled; the producers have already told us that nobody gets any. This presumably includes you) on Temptation Island. He then, in a maneuver too comical for words to adequately express, throws his arms loosely to his sides, puffs up his chest, and makes a quarter turn as the camera flies up and around him.
We then get a montage of some nice scenery, women rubbing themselves, boats, some guy swimming with the fishes, Kara and her nose…oops, that’s a toucan…islands, sunsets, and the One Ring, flaming with the wrath of Sauron, and the title of the show, which, in case you forgot, is Temptation Island, which is hosted by, in case you forgot, Mark. L. Walberg. Mark then informs us that last week, the couples got their first taste of singledom on their first dates. We see whitewater rafting, jetskiing, massages, and Tanaya spreading her legs for Michael (go check, it’s right there on the tape). Mark tells us Kara fell for Jeff’s seductive charms. What?? Were we watching the same show? I didn’t see Kara “falling” for anything, and at any rate, that would presuppose Hyena Boy actually HAD any seductive charms. Besides acting like a jackass, I mean. Jeff smugly tells us he truly believes Kara will leave the island as a single. Hello braniac, that means without you too! Meanwhile, Jason finds only “misery in paradise.” Very romantically, he tells his date he wants to “get the hell out of here.” You sweet-talker, you. At their first bonfires, jealousies rage! Melissa, having found out her boyfriend, Man-whore Michael, is comin’ on to the ladies, confesses “I don’t know what I feel right now.” I suspect that none of you know much of anything, but I’m sure that’s just the editing. Jason, as chipper as ever (which is to say almost as upbeat as he would be at a funeral), is angry at the video of Kara’s date with Hyena Boy. Anthony is likewise enraged at Stephanie’s misadventures. “She had a choice!” he declares. I’m hoping that choice is for assisted suicide.
And then, finally, our episode begins.
Luna Beach Resort, Coupled Guys and Succubae
The sun breaks through the clouds, and some guy with stalkercam enters Anthony’s room. We are treated to the same clip of Anthony’s frustration (sic) that we saw not 15 seconds ago. Anthony decides that if she can have fun, so can he, so up her nose with a rubber hose! Jason, brooding as usual, goes out to the pier and stares at the sea. He states that if Kara can have a good time, so can he (geez guys, can’t you pay the writers enough to give them different lines?). Jason is either a very good actor or a very bad one, as this statement belies his pouting demeanor. It’s going to be exciting, he says. You could have fooled me, Jason.
The guys get to choose their dates this time, rather than being set up by their girlfriends (how awkward is that?)
Michael and Sandra
The two lovebirds go out on a boat. Michael says he chose Sandra because she’s wild and a good time, and he hopes she’s a good something else. Sandra says they had good conversation (yeah, I can imagine it right now; Michael: you pretty. Sandra: like, thanks!). Sexual innuendo abounds, as Michael asks her if she likes her sandwiches thick, and to “shake it up,” meaning the mustard, of course. Sandra says the two of them definitely have good senses of humor (maybe you should let someone else be the judge of that? Just saying, is all). Big Mike (and you know what they say about guys with big nicknames, right?) says he is sure she can adjust to the size of the sandwich. I don't know, making their mouths smaller seems to be a problem for half the people on this island. Anyway, I’ve never heard it referred to that way before, but hey, whatever floats your boat dude. Incessant giggling serves as evidence of their good conversation. Sandra says they had fun and discussed some things on a deeper level. It was like, transcendent, man. Apparently, questions like “Why me?” and answers like “I can see you’re a little wild” are the deep end of the pool for these two. Michael tells Sandra she might take her up on the offer to use her weapon. Is it just me or does the following possible scene from their role-playing just sound wrong?
Michael: Is that your gun in your pocket, Officer Sandra, or are you just happy to see me?
Uhhhh. Anyway. In all fairness, they seemed to have fun, so good for them. I guess.
Anthony and Ida
Their date consists of speeding down zip-lines, which, apart from the wedgie inducing harnesses, looks like a lot of fun. Ida informs us that a couple times she almost slammed into some trees, which was great. Okay… Now, apart from the obvious weirdness in that statement, the happy-go-lucky tone of voice in which she delivers it makes me like her. The two of them then get to do a “Superman” (I know you’re all jealous ladies, but it’s not that Superman. Or that “do”), which consists of Ida going down (keep your minds out of the gutter) horizontally (yeah, yeah) with her legs wrapped around Anthony’s waist, so she looks like she’s flying (well, except for the guy between her legs – stop it!). Apparently Anthony peed his pants on the way down, prompting Ida to ask if he was scared. He says, unconvincingly, “no.”
Afterwards, they have a romantic lunch on the beach. “You could see the ocean,” Ida informs us. From the beach. Like, no way, man. Maybe she hit a few of those trees on the way down, after all. Anthony asks what her ideal date would be, and she responds, “this one.” Good answer! Anthony also says this is one of the nicest dates he’s ever been on (yeah, like that won’t make it on the video). These two also seemed to have fun.
Eric and Amy
They go out on a sailboat. Eric informs us that he picked her because, paraphrasing just a bit, she’s feminine but she’s not. Eric flexes for her, and she says in confessional that Eric is definitely cute and that she would like to get to know him better. This, however, may or may not have been a line fed to her by the producers, because that is basically all we get to see of the date.
Jason and Erryn
Moody Tattoo Freak and Spelling Impaired Erryn ride a jetski on their date. Erryn informs us that the Grinch’s “huge, sensitive” heart grew three sizes that day! She says he is finding out things about his relationship that he might not like, and that he’s coming out of his shell. She asks him if he’s going to want to spend time with his girlfriend, and surprisingly maturely, our emotionally-stunted guy responds he will hear her side of the story first, because he doesn’t want to make assumptions when he’s not fully informed.
Back at the ranch, Sandra and Erryn discuss Jason. She says they bonded, which is apparently true, as she starts flashing gang signs, that I can only assume she learned from him.
Mercifully, we get a commercial break. I would love to tell you about the commercials, but I spent this time running to the mailbox. Alas and alack, no Station Manager Bubba. Dejectedly, I return to the apartment to serve the rest of my sentence.
That night, the girls decide to have a lingerie show for the guys. Anthony acts as the host, bringing the noble profession of reality show host to an all-time low. Hyena Boy’s incessant laughing is apparently a communicable disease, as neither Michael nor Jason can stop laughing their heads off. I fear they are going to have to quarantine the island. And maybe it’s just me, but if I was a girl, and if I was slutty/liquored-up enough to traipse about in my underwear for some guys I’d known for all of six days, laughter is NOT the response I’d be looking for. But I could be wrong. One of the girls declares “Mama would be proud!” as she takes off her top and cartwheels off the stage. Or maybe she’d be mad at you for taking away her customers, who knows?
Jason and Anthony decide to have chicken fights in the pool because their girlfriends did it the night before. That’ll show ‘em. Kristin, who must have slipped through the cracks in screening, because she shows an ounce of perception, says Jason’s girlfriend needs to watch out because he’s getting close to Erryn. Michael’s girlfriend needs to watch out too (the producers threw this in for the, oh, NONE of us who weren’t able to figure that out for ourselves). Michael admits he’s having a great time, and Sandra is jealous because he’s spending too much time with Tiffany. She doesn’t want to make any enemies, she says, but they probably are in competition. No. Really? Geniuses, every last one of them. Yes, the shocking part about the whole conflict is that there is competition for Michael. Man-whore Michael. I can’t believe it either.
Palmetto Bay Plantation, Coupled Gals and Single Guys
Melissa informs us that there is tension this night. Everyone wanted different music. Those rabble-rousers. Kristin, however, confirms this, saying they are all trying to be the Alpha Male. Still, this group is putting me to sleep. The guys tried to think of something fun they could do, and want to play Truth or Dare. Guess they failed. Don’t hurt yourselves with that there thinkin’ boys. Their dares consist of such scandalous behavior as jumping in the pool, which is refused (!?!), and rolling around in the sand. Those dare devils. Evil Knievel they ain’t.
But wait! Things do heat up some, as Jerome and Hyena Boy get it on. Jerome says he’s going to get back at him for talking trash to Ian. Jeff, while Jerome yells at him from the pool, yells back “I’m not stupid!” in an incredulous tone that must have matched the look on my face at the thought that even Jeff himself would be stupid enough to call himself not stupid. Stephanie, when her name is brought up, wisely wants no part of it. Jerome tells Hyena Boy to go get a dictionary and learn the word real, cause “that ain’t you son!” Oooh, good one. The girls discuss the matter and want to vote off the trouble makers.
Cut to commercial. They are all entirely unremarkable, although I am eternally grateful that annoying Burger King one where the guy asks what his three dollars can buy, which would be put to better use buying two more brain cells to double his mental capacity, was greatly shortened. And Kara is on a new sitcom that asks the important question, “Who would have ever said I do to this woman?” Wait, that’s Wanda Sykes. They have the same nose, so it’s easy to understand my confusion. But either way, my answer to the question remains the same: I have no idea. Maybe that guy from the Burger King commercial.
Palmetto Bay Plantation
Kristin says there was a ton of immaturity the night before, but everyone was Mr. Manners at breakfast the next morning for fear of being voted off. She says she is “perfectly confident” that the people who cause the drama are the first to go, and that’s definitely the case with all the other girls too. Ohhhhh, look who so smart!
The Vote Off Ceremony, a.k.a. Addition By Subtraction
Kristin gives Marky a hug (not a chance big guy). He tells the girls that they each get to take one of the guys off the chopping block and declare them safe from elimination. Kristin saves R.J. because he’s the most laid back and doesn’t cause drama. Kara save Hyena Boy. What happened to kicking out the drama starters?!? She believes him that he never said anything, because she believes him. Impeccable logic there. Jeff, upon hearing this pronouncement, cackles like an idiot for the next ten minutes (as he is wont to do). Stephanie saves Giulio because he’s like a big brother. I quickly check to make sure that they aren’t from Arkansas, but still don’t feel any less disturbed by this comment upon ascertaining that they aren’t (no offense to those of you who are from Arkansas. I’m sure you’re perfectly nice people). Melissa decides to save…
wait for it…
wait for it…
JEROME! Much to the chagrin of the other girls. All I can say is Melissa is my new hero, since Jerome seems like our last best chance for Hyena Boy to leave the island in a body bag. On a side note, don’t Jerome and Jason look a lot alike? And they both have the good sense to hate Jeff? And both their names start with J!!! It’s almost X-File-y man. Queen Kristin declares Melissa’s actions have upset her and much of her harem. Melissa is obviously blinded by Jerome. Or it could be the rest of them are blinded by Hyena boy, whatever.
Two of the remaining guys will fall through holes in the floor, never to be seen again. Wait, that’s that other Mark L. Walberg show. Well, if they won't be playing Russian Roulette, I'm ready to volunteer. A heated discussion ensues among the girls, and Kristin refuses to break the news to the two “un”lucky guys, because she disagrees with both. Work that hissy fit, girlfriend! Melissa gets the duty, and places the Necklace of Death by Humiliation on Jon, and, after declaring it unanimous, Ryan. Let’s recap, shall we?
Kristin: I disagree with both.
Melissa: This one’s unanimous.
Riiiight. Anyway, Melissa gets a pass because she saved the Hyena Slayer, so no evil word shall be spoken of her tonight. Ryan is royally miffed, and Jon, He-Who-Shall-Nevermore-Get-A-Date, professes his confusion at his ouster, because his testosterone level just wasn’t high enough to impress the girls. You do know you’re on national television, right Jon? Host Mark L. Walberg tells the girls he appreciates their “hard work”. I know I sure don’t envy them their “hard work”. Sitting in the shade and voting off two losers is much too difficult for me. Boy am I glad someone else had to do it. Phew.
At the pool, Giulio is upset at Melissa for saving Jerome. He “felt” it, dammit, and he doesn’t believe in fake people. I guess he has a lot of experience in feeling fakes. Melissa says she wants to give him a second chance. Giulio says she’s giving him the wrong idea. Melissa says in confessional that she sees something in Jerome’s eyes. You know, besides the homicidal tendencies. Jerome and Melissa go for a walk on the beach, and we go to commercial.
Back from commercials, the producers feel the need to remind us again that nobody’s getting any. Way to turn off the horny 16 year-old male demographic guys. Back at Luna, Michael and Eric discuss some SERIOUS matters. You can tell because the music is very dramatic. Michael expresses concern that Sandra has been crying because he has been paying too much attention to Tiffany. He doesn’t want anyone to fall for him. Ummm, wasn’t that the point?? Sandra says she has no idea what’s going through the guys’ minds. Yet another person who knows nothing.
Host Mark L. Walberg welcomes the boys to Elimination Island. “How ya doin’ big guy?” he asks Jason, “Watch your head.” Holy crap, either Jason really did scare Marky last week at the bonfire, or Marky’s got a thing for him. Like the girls, the guys get to each save a girl. Michael chooses Tiffany, and amazingly, Sandra has not broken into tears yet. Eric chooses Kailee, Anthony chooses Ashley, and Jason chooses Erryn (surprise!) Marky says, “Very good Jason!” What? He really is kissing his ass!
The boys get another round. Michael passes Sandra once again and saves Melonie, Eric chooses Ida, Anthony saves Maria, and Jason chooses Amy. Six women left, and Marky springs a surprise on them. Round three! They all have to choose another girl to save. Thankfully Mark does the math for them, telling them that four of them will be safe, which means two of them will be eliminated. 6-4=2. Got that? Wouldn’t want their widdle brains to be too tired to make this decision, would we? A ponderous silence stretches out as Michael attempts to choose who to save. He saves…
wait for it…
wait for it…
just a few more seconds…
SANDRA! Proving he’s not a total jerk. Eric chooses Eve, Anthony Kristin, and Jason gets the choice of Tanaya, Kelly Anne, or Corie. Corie gets to be the last person on the team. Tanaya and Kelly Anne are gone. Anthony says Tanaya is a trouble maker. Tanaya says they voted her off because she is a threat. In what way, exactly? Kelly Anne gets the boot because, according to Anthony, she is a weird, crazy nut.
But wait! They have to choose one more person to go home! In a cruel twist of fate, Corie is saved from the fire only to fall right back into it. Somebody ought to put the poor girl on a suicide watch. The guys say she is coming on to them too much. Again, I ask, isn’t this the purported purpose of this show, no matter how sickened it may make us? Corie, proving once again that they need to spend more money on writers, decides she was voted off because they thought she was a threat. What-ever.
Girls’ “Bonfire” a.k.a. Meeting Place of Really Great Big Exaggeration
Kristin says she looks forward to “bonfire” because she leaves in a better mood, and the other girls leave in a worse mood. Sadistic much? Kara says she’s not sure if she’ll watch the video, because it’s disturbing to watch your boyfriend with another girl. But, everything happens for a reason, she tells us. Remember this. Hyena Boy says if something bad happens he’ll be there to pick up the broken pieces. He’s sure of that. He’s sure of a lot of things. That he’s a small, pathetic excuse for a human being unfortunately appears not to be one of them.
Anyway, finally to the “bonfire,” host Mark L. Walberg tells them fire is life and, oops, wrong show. Last time the videos were of the boys’ dates with their biggest threats, this time it is with the girl of the boy’s choice. This time though, their decision to watch or not is not tied to their boyfriends’. Kristin once again declines to watch.
Stephanie considers. And considers. And considers. Finally she shakes her head. Mark asks her why, and she decides she does want to see after all. Not fickle at all, this one. Mark steps over the “bonfire,” but his pants leg, much to my dismay, does not catch flame. Okay, I can’t take this anymore. Nailbone, get down there and teach them how to make a real bonfire, would you? I mean, that’s what you Aggies are good at right? Starting really big fires? Sheesh, I’ve started bigger fires on my kitchen table. Back to Anthony’s video. Steph gets to see Ida’s Superman and Anthony’s comment that this is one of the best dates he’s ever been on. Oops. The girls tell her later that maybe he meant one of the best dates so far. I’m not sure exactly how this is supposed to console her, but oh well. Kristin hides one of her sadistic smiles behind her hand. Stephanie takes it surprisingly well, however, given the track record of past contestants to exaggerate every little thing, and says he was just talking to her, getting to know her, and was experiencing what he was there to experience. You keep telling yourself that.
Kara reluctantly decides to watch Jason’s date, and sees him on the jetski with Erryn and the chicken fight. Kara says he seems to be having more fun and being nicer to the girls, so that’s good. Dammit, where’s the exaggeration, the overblown reactions, the crushing of emotionally insecure spirits?!? To top it off, Mark once again did not catch on fire as he stepped over the fire pit. I want my money back.
Melissa also decides to watch. She is less than pleased with Man-whore’s actions, saying she hasn’t touched any of the guys like he touched Tiffany, or been touched by them. That just might be a bad sign. Nevertheless, she lies and tells the group she’s alright. I can’t even call her reaction exaggerated though, since it’s completely understandable. She wonders aloud what he’s thinking.
INSTA-POLL! Is Michael thinking:
D) Nothing at all.
WHICH IS IT? PLACE YOUR BETS!!!!
<cue cheesy music and animation>
If you said choice C, you are WRONG!!! He can’t even count to three, AHAHAHA!!!
If you said choice D, you a WINNER!!!!! CONGRATULATIONS!!!!
BANZAI! Will continue after these messages with more betting games!!!
Host Mark L. Walberg tells the girls they can leave. Jerome comforts Melissa after bonfire. Melissa takes off her necklace. This is symbolic. Jeff comforts Kara. She tells him she doesn’t ever want to be with anybody like that after seeing that tape. Woohoo! FINALLY, someone goes overboard emotionally. Jeff says, “I know you are sad. Everything happens for a reason.” What the heck??? These are the same words Kara used before bonfire! Is Jeff hypnotizing Kara? Is he really number 17 from that Monica Lewinsky reality show? (what was that called anyway? Mr. Personality?) And get this – there is NO BOYS’ BONFIRE!!! (I know, I’m just as distraught that I didn’t get to see their self-immolation), and NO GIRLS’ DATES! Clones, hypnotism, and now missing time which, as Fox Mulder would tell you, is a classic symptom of alien abduction. This is clearly an X-File. And Mark L. Walberg (the L stands for Lifeform, Extraterrestrial) is clearly an alien. I’m putting on my tinfoil hat right now.
Next Week, on Temptation Island:
* Stephanie and Kara fight over Hyena Boy. What?? First Michael, and now Jeff?? This show officially makes no sense.
* Michael’s head explodes.
* Jason pops a cap in someone’s ass.
* Melissa gets pissed at Michael’s video (didn’t he say just two previews ago that he wanted to marry her?), and hooks up with Jerome.
* And Anthony makes a play on the girl that tempts him most.
And, I’m spent. I’m going to go take a shower now, I feel dirty.