Alright boys and girls, are you ready to see the sexiest, most exciting Temptation Island yet? Well, I think you’ll have to wait a few more weeks, this week was pretty tame. However, I think we’ve got some good potential so let’s get started!First we should actually take a moment to learn everyone’s names, as I’m tempted to call them things like “Tattoo Angry Guy” and “Man Whore”.
Stephanie and Anthony: She’s a pretty brunette who seems a bit shy. He’s a short guy with deep set eyes here to have some fun.
Kara and Jason: She’s smiley and she’s got a big nose. He’s huge and angry and covered in tattoos. He’s a massage therapist. Scariest.Massage.Therapist.EVER!
Kristin and Eric: She’s blonde and cute looking. He’s tall and doesn’t look too bright. Both from Farmville. (Farmville?)
Melissa and Michael: She’s a beauty queen with brown hair. He’s blonde and talks like he’s been hit on the head.
And we’re off!
Boy’s Island
We get a taste of last week, including the Jason/Single Jeff confrontation. Then the guys find out from host Marky Mark that they have chosen their girlfriend’s first date. Single Jeff laughs in Jason’s face. Then the guys get to see their first dates, chosen by their girlfriends. No one looks too happy, especially Michael’s date, who looks like she’d rather go out with Marky Mark than date Dumbass Michael (and that’s saying something!). After the meeting, Jason goes and rocks on his bed.
Girl’s Island
Jeff and Kara meet and he smoothes over the crap with Jason. We then get a voice over of him saying “He might be scared ‘cause now it’s more of a challenge for me. I love challenges!” Guys like Jeff love to “save” girls like Kara from jerks like Jason. And he’s not bad looking, Kara and her nose should really give him a chance!
Kara and Jeff’s Date
They go on a boat ride. He gives her a massage, she tells him it’s better than her massage therapist boyfriend! Ooooooo, that’s gonna come back to haunt Jason. Jeff foreshadows that Kara will leave this show as a single. Kara says “I can’t imagine anyone having a bad date!” Fade to…
Jason’s Date
He is miserable. They hike up to a gorgeous lagoon, the same type that Catherine and Edmundo both got horny and whorey in last year. They go back and have lunch. He freaks out about everything while his date falls asleep. “Dude, I swear this is f***ing mayo. This water tastes fishy!” Wow, I want to shoot myself just watching this date. That poor poor single girl.
Anthony and Tiffany’s Date
Whitewater rafting followed by a lunch with Anthony talking about his girlfriend Steph. Tiffany is understanding, because, as she puts it “He should be worried, Steph is out with a really hot guy right now.” Ouch.
Stephanie and Derrick’s Date
Steph gets fun and dumb all in one with Derrick and she is loving it. Derrick says “We were letting free on the jet ski.” Wow, letting free. That sounds… well, dumb, but fun! Derrick also says he hopes that Steph finds what she’s looking for (preferably down his pants!).
Kristin and Ryan’s Date
They swim with the dolphins. Ryan seems like a nice guy, pretty smooth too. Not much excitement though.
Eric and Maria’s Date
They swim with each other. Maria said the water is warm when she got in. Eric said he was nervous when she got it. (Eeeew, did Eric pee the lagoon?). Their date is as nice and lacking in excitement as Kristin’s. Yawn.
Melissa and Ian’s Date
Melissa’s got a date with a young cutie. He’s 23 but he looks like he’s still in highschool. And she’s into that! He gives her a massage. Tells her he’s never dated an older woman. She takes her top off. It’s all good.
Michael and Tanaya’s Date
Tanaya gets to sit on Michael’s lap. Over and over and over, as they go tubeing. Although she flirts a lot with him, this girl looks like she is in serious pain on their date. She figures out that if he likes her, she’ll say for a while. Michael says she’s playing coy. What? He’s hoping she’s going to come right out and say “Do me now, you blonde god!” After she doesn’t yell this during lunch, he figures he’s gonna have to help her out and says “I’m giving you the go-ahead” for whatever she wants. She tells him she’s easier when she’s not drunk. (Note: Foreshadowing)
After-date parties
The girls get “Tribal” which appears to mean limbo contest and pool chicken. Jeff and Tara go back to her room. He tells her she looks cute and as she has no pants on, that’s the nicest thing he could say. They hug and he tells her “Te quiero siempre – I love you, always” Um, whoa. He’s spreading it on thick and she’s lapping it up!
The guys dance it up on their side. Michael shakes his thing at whoever won’t run away when he approached. Anthony gets a hard-core spank dance, with his ass shoved out and a grin from ear to ear. (Note: More foreshadowing). Eric shakes it a little and looks like he’s having fun. Jason watches and glares and flexes his scary tattoos.
Next Day – Women’s Vote Off
This is the most boring part of the show at this point, as we don’t know any of the single guys anyway. Three guys leave, one who was “looking for love” of all things! Guess you’ll have to go back home and break up someone’s elses relationship, buddy. We don’t get to see the guys vote off, which is fine by me. Get to the damn bonfires already!!!
Women’s Bonfire
Yes! Finally. Marky Mark gives them the bonfire speech while I take a quick nap. Then he gives them the “You looky, they looky. You don’t looky, they don’t looky” speech. Finally he shuts up and off we go.
Tara: Refuses to look. NO! We WANT you too look, then your freakjob boyfriend will have to watch you getting rubbed by his worst nightmare. Damn it!
Melissa: Sees Michael and the fake flirting date. Sees Michael trying to whore himself off to the girl. Sees Michael and the girl kissing (apparently she is easier when she’s drunk after all). Calls the GIRL aggressive. Oh dear. She’s going to blame all his encounters on the women! This is going to be funny!
Stephanie: Gets a taste of the date saying “He is physically attractive, but those eyes, there’s something about those eyes.” What? He has the eyes of a killer? A nutjob?
Kristin: Says her and Eric have a no-see policy. Hmmm, they’re smarted than I thought in Farmville.
Kara: Gets one more chance (yes!) and decides she will see her’s, so Jason knows she’s not hiding anything! (oh girl, you are so screwed, do you even remember what you did yesterday? Have you even met Jason?). Sees Jason being a total ass on his date. Says “Well, it was Jason. I didn’t get any surprises.” So that’s what a date with Jason is like? He must be a DAMN good massager to get any play, ‘cause it’s not the personality!
Men’s Bonfire
Anthony: Goes first and has a look at Steph letting loose on the jet ski and in the pool. He has a little cry (seriously) then says that “It’s not a good tape, the Steph I know isn’t open like that.” Hmm, maybe she should get together with Jason, they can be boring and unfun together. But wait, I think she WANTS to be fun, just not with Anthony. He says that he hasn’t even danced with a girl (Um, yo! Ass spanking dance? Just last night? Remember?) He huddles in a ball and hands back the tape.
Michael: Anthony says he can’t watch. Michael cordially says “Ah invite all of yous to watch my tape.” He get a shot of Melissa, with her top off and her boob censored, getting massaged by Ian. Anthony, realizing that Mike’s tape is WAY worse, turns around with a huge smile and says “Ok, I wanna watch!”. Poor, dumbass Michael says “Well, she was put on the spot to receive a massage and she received it.” I can’t wait to see what else she’s going to be put on the spot to receive!
Eric: No tape for him and that’s cool. “I don’t want to react to what she is doing. I want to act the way I would act on my own.” Damn, these Farmville kids get smarter and smarter!
And now… the moment we’ve all been waiting for….
Jason: Sees Jeff holding Kara’s hand. Blurts out “B!tch!”, to whom we’re not sure. All the other guys laugh and he yells “Shuddap!”. Sees Kara getting a massage, sees them in her room. Hears the “I love you, always” comment. His face goes scary. Marky Mark asks “How do you feel?”. Jason is so scary looking that Mark actually backs down and ends the meeting. Cool!
Aftermath: Boys Island
Jason; “They were holding hands and she didn’t pull away!” Dude, they were also in her room alone in each other’s arms, but ok, if holding hands is what sets you off.
Anthony: “She was on some guys shoulders! I don’t even dance with them!” Ah hem, ass spanking dance? Hello? Damn it, won’t someone mention the ass spanking!
Next Week on TITee
“The Mood on the Island takes a dramatic turn after bonfire”
-The guys get a sexy lingerie party. Jason smiles and cheers. Whoa. That is dramatic!
-The single are fighting over Michael. Michael? Seriously? Ladies, think it though, please!
-The single men are fighting too. Looks like Jewels and Jeff. Hot guys, stop fighting. I don’t ant my eye candy voted off!
-Melissa sees Michael getting slutty. Takes off her necklace. Oh god NO, not the necklace take off move. It’s early in the game for that!
Keep your eyes glued and your mind dirty. This is going to be a good season!
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