We open. A shot of a bird and some huts fades into our title cards. Smoky red background, whitish letters cutting through the red. Somewhere, some 15-year-old’s mother is proud of the graphics her son came up with in the basement. “No Games
No Gimmicks”
No gimmicks? I might not be the world’s foremost authority, but I’d say splitting four couples up and trying to tempt them with fourteen members of the opposite sex is pretty gimmicky.
Another shot, this time of clouds passing by as a woman’s voice says “Oh my god, this is very real. This is about to happen.”
“No Millionaires
No Prizes…”
What? No prizes? Then why are any of these people subjecting themselves to this? For the acting career promotion? Realistically, isn’t a Cinemax After Dark movie the best possible career highlight for someone who appeared on Temptation Island? So what else is there? Basically, it comes down to a chance to have sex with a complete stranger. Strangely enough, this was the main reason I went to bars when I was a college freshmen.
And now a shot of a hot gal in a swimsuit, as the same female voice says “I just don’t want somebody like that around my boyfriend.” Uhm, should you have thought of that before you signed up to be on this show?
“Just Four Real Couples”
“When these two weeks are up, what we learn will be worth the hurting and the crying.” Yeah, because the only way you can learn something worthwhile about your partner is by being tempted on national television.
“Willing To Risk
EVERYTHING!”
Cue clip montage. Long clip montage. Long, lengthy clip montage. In fact, calling it a long lengthy clip montage doesn’t do it justice. By the time it ends, I think we’re already at the end of the first segment of the show. The montage (finally) ends with the man we will come to know as Michael (or else doofus) saying “Everything was completely innocent. But now it’s not going to be so innocent.” Completely innocent? You mean, the innocent grappling with people NOT your significant other, as compared to the non-innocent grappling with people not your significant other? Does Fox really want anything to be completely innocent? Sex is as important to a Fox reality show as it is to a 16-year-old boy. The only difference is that the 16-year-old boy approaches the subject in a more mature manner.
We meet our couples. First stop, Long Island, New York. Melissa and Michael, together 2 years. It was instant attraction for Melissa, who apparently doesn’t need a man with brains. Melissa was Miss New York. We see a shot of Michael and Melissa, and she’s wearing a tee-shirt, sash, and crown. It must be her room, cause there are dolls everywhere. (I can hear Michael saying “Put on the crown, honey, please put on the crown.”) They both live with their parents, and Michael thinks he has it made. No rent, no food. What more could a 25 year old guy want? Melissa, at 29, is starting to long for a little something more. “Why am I not engaged to Michael already is a question to me and myself.” Uhm, Melissa. Perhaps you need to ask Michael that one. (I can hear Michael saying “Why buy the cow when you’re getting free milk?” I can hear Michael saying a lot of things, few of them putting him in a favorable light.)
Farmville, Virginia. (Farmville?) Kristin and Eric. Together three years. When Kristin first met Eric, he was a frat president and a big man on campus. Eric did a kitty kat voice for Kristin that made her fall in love. Kristin is obviously easily amused. They are discovering for the first time that Eric only seriously dated two women before meeting Kristin. This takes Kristin somewhat aback, as she thought Eric had dated far more girls. He says he dated a lot, but only two others seriously. I recall how the word “dating” means something different to working women, and suspect that Eric is using it the same way.
Chicago, Illinois. Stephanie and Anthony, together three years, living together seven months. Anthony is teaching Stephanie how to iron, cause she never does. Yeah, he’s a prince. Stephanie says she starts fights just cause she likes to fight. Yeah, she’s a princess.
Las Vegas, Nevada. Jason and Kara, together one year. Our first shot of Jason is of him flashing as the two of them drive down the street. He has tats that I know make him think he looks like Vin Diesel. It really makes him look like Vin Unleaded. Kara thinks Jason will remain faithful. I think he looks like a horndog waiting to be unleashed.
Cut to the four couples arriving at the airport, with a voiceover from our host, Mark L. Wahlberg (the L is for Love). The couples agreed to come to a tropical paradise to see if their love could survive the ultimate temptations. We finally see Mark, walking the beach, looking like he had to borrow some clothes to get the gig. The music cues up, pure Survivor rip off, with a closing crescendo as the logo appears surrounded by fire. Oooooh.
The plane lands, and the couples are greeted by Mr. Rourke and Tattoo. Man, wouldn’t that have been a better show? The couples say nice things about each other, including Michael saying that he would rather see Melissa happy with someone else than unhappy with him. What a sport! Unspoken is the fact that he would rather see himself happy with someone else than unhappy with Melissa.
Our host, Mark L. Wahlberg (the L is for Lazy), greets the couples, takes them to the beach, sets them down, then sits down himself. Let me repeat that. He sits down himself. Has Probst ever sat down? Phil on TAR? Hell, Phil’s whole gig involves standing in front of landmarks and greeting racers at pit stops. Phil never sits. But Mark does, as soon as he can.
The couples all talk about their reasons for being here, the rules they’ve given each other, etc. Stephanie says she wants to have a lot of broken hearts, because that’s how you grow. Uhm, Stephanie, perhaps you might want to check out the self-help section at Borders?
The himboat arrives, and the himboes unload. Next comes the bimboat, and the bimboes unload. I think Michael checked out the men far more than he checked out the women. Could someone have identity issues?
All this time our host, Mark L. Wahlberg (the L stands for Lactose Intolerant), has been sitting. He sends the men away, and tells the women that the bimboes are going to come up and give the women a trinket. The trinket will signify which men the bimboes were most attracted to. Cut to commercial.
Now, I know some summary writers talk about the commercials. I’m not going to do so. If you’ve ever watched television in the Midwest, you know that inevitably there will be a soybean commercial. I’d rather not have to mention that. I will make an exception for David Spade, however, because if we can’t make fun of David Spade, then the terrorists have already won.
We return. Our host, Mark L. Wahlberg (the L stands for Landru) is still sitting. Trinkets are given. Kara gets seven, Stephanie gets four, Kristin gets three, and Melissa gets none. NONE. So much for first impressions…
The men come back, the women leave, and the men give the men trinkets. Our host, Mark L. Wahlberg (the L stands for Legs Not Working), is still sitting. Trinkets are given. (Why don’t they just call them bracelets?) Anthony gets six, Eric gets four, Michael gets three, and Jason gets one. Jason says he’s not disappointed that he only got one “trinket” because the one guy who gave him a trinket was the best looking guy. Jason is really miffed, however, about Jeff. Jeff first approached Jason as if he was going to give him a trinket, but did the old fake handshake move and gave his trinket to Eric. Now I see why Kara isn’t worried about Jason. He looks far more interested in beating up Jeff then meeting any women.
The women are brought in, and they compare notes on the number of trinkets they got. Michael is rather dismayed to find out that Melissa didn’t get any trinkets. So is Melissa, because now what will she trade to the natives to buy their island? (Sorry. Early New York joke.) The couples are given five minutes to go off to say goodbye. Each couple is given two matching necklaces to wear, to remind them they are part of a couple. And the title card said no prizes! First, trinkets. Now, necklaces!
Finally the five minutes ends, and the men are sent off with the bimboes and the women are sent off with the himboes. Jason says “This wasn’t a goodbye, this was a badbye.” Jason has a way with words. As they walk away, our host, Mark L. Wahlberg (the L stands for Lost), is still sitting…
Cut to commercial break, where we learn that David Spade has a new movie coming out. Why, oh why, does Warren Zevon get terminal cancer and David Spade gets movies greenlighted?
We come back and the men are partying with the bimboes. Michael is getting drunk, and opening up about all the problems with his relationship (namely that Melissa wants to get married and he doesn’t think she should). (I stole that from Rita Rudner. I probably didn’t need to credit it, but hey, she always mentions me when she uses my material.) The girls are taking notes, like vultures watching a stumbling man in the desert. Michael is not going to last past the second segment of the second episode. Not that I’m going to watch to find out.
Fade to Day Two. The women are ordering breakfast. A dog crosses the porch. The women want omelets. They talk, and decide the whole thing will be tougher on the men than the women. Cut to another scene. A bird flies overhead as the couples walk separately to lounge chairs by the pool. Our host, Mark L. Wahlberg (the L stands for Lonely), stands and greets them. Mark stays standing the whole time. Apparently Fox execs, having seen the first day footage, we’re wondering why they were paying him to sit around all day and sent a memo to the director.
The bimboes and himboes are brought in to introduce themselves. They are:
Bimboes
Tanaya (26) – She tells the couples she’s looking for someone to put out her flames. She tells the camera she’s ready to attack. (Next on Fox – When Bimboes Attack!)
Erryn (21) – Apparently Erryn’s parents had spelling problems.
Eve (27) – She’s from Minneapolis, and she sets herself on fire for fun. I think this says everything that ever needs to be said about people from Minnesota.
Ida (24) – She’s from Toronto, where every night is a Saturday night, which certainly explains a lot about the legalized pot. (Not to mention gay marriage…)
Kaileen (25) – She’s from California. That’s all she gets to say.
Kristin (22) – She’s here to make sure the men have a wonderful time. I get the feeling Kristin has said that to a group of men before.
Maria (25) – She represents Miami, Florida, and she was born to party like a rock star. I guess that means that Maria quite frequently wakes up in pools of her own vomit.
Ashley (21) – She believes everything happens for a reason. I think bad personal decisions qualifies as a reason.
Melanie (23) – It’s her birthday, and she wants her birthday present.
Kelly Anne (24) – She lives in West LA. She has the voice of Betty Boop.
Amy (23) – She loves the outdoors and she makes a chicken noise, turning Anthony on immensely…
Sandra (23) – She may be a blonde, but don’t judge a book by its cover. Someone told that to her once. It took three hours to explain it.
Corie (30) – She looks like Angie Dickenson in Dressed To Kill. I doubt she’ll suffer the same fate, although she may end up wishing she did.
Tiffany (23) – In her life there is never a dull moment. Until now.
Himboes
Derrick (21) – He’s a model from Minnesota. He tells the crowd that he’s there to date the guy’s girlfriends. Anthony says he hopes he can kiss his azz goodbye. Anthony has a way with words.
Ian (23) – He’s unique and adventurous. Whew. I had him pegged as comforming and shy at first.
Mike (29) – “I’m here to help you find the answers to the questions that led you here.” I think Mike is a far, far funnier guy than this show deserves.
Jon (25) – He’s a professional in-line skater from Minnesota. What’s the deal with all the folks from Minnesota? There used to be the St. Paul pipeline of teenage runaways going into prostitution. Is there now a pipeline to cheesy reality shows? To his credit, Jon also seems to have a sense of humor.
Jerome (26) – He loves his mom. I’m sure she’s relieved.
Ryan (22) – Surf photographer.
Scott (25) – He wants to be in LAPD and eventually SWAT. I’m surprised he can spell them.
Sterling (25) – He’s a model from Nashville. He loves his mom. Or maybe he loves Jerome’s mom. It’s not clear.
Jeff (23) – Jeff is sincere, and an artist, and he has nothing but love. Jason is still glowering at Jeff. Jason wants to beat Jeff up. So do I, now that I think about it.
Ryan (26) – Another Ryan, with the worst accent ever.
Ryan (23) – From Santa Monica. Apparently Ryans were on special the week they cast the show.
Keith (28) – He works in construction and he knows how to use his tools. It took him weeks to come up with that line.
Chris (27) – He knows how to treat a woman right. Colonel Sanders knew how to do chicken right. I think there’s a connection.
Giulio(29) – He’s from Queens. He says “How you doing?” He’s watched Friends too much. He says he’s been practicing for this his whole life. He doesn’t add that he’s been practicing at home, in his basement, by himself, with video aids.
Our host, Mark L. Wahlberg (the L is for Lutefisk), tells the men and the women that they will make a choice. A choice that will change absolutely everything.
After commercial, our host, Mark L. Wahlberg (the L is for Listen Closely), asks the men and women to choose the person they feel most threatened by. Anthony goes first, choosing Derrick. He says he isn’t worried about him, even if Stephanie has to date him.
Stephanie chooses Tiffany.
Jason chooses Jeff, after faking like he was going to hit him. He says he isn’t intimidated by him, he just didn’t like what he did yesterday. Kara chooses Amy. Jason says Kara shouldn’t be threatened by any of the girls, cause none of them look like Kara.
Eric chooses Ryan cause he seems like a nice guy. Kristin chooses Maria, cause she has a good personality and great confidence and that is threatening to her.
Michael chooses Ian. I think Michael likes him. Melissa chooses Tanaya because of the whole put out the flames things. Our host, Mark L. Wahlberg (the L is for Loser), sends the four himboes and four bimboes away. Either Fox is concerned about production costs and has decided to toss eight people out right away, or there is a “BIG TWIST” coming.
(If you lived in the Midwest in the late 80s-early 90s, and you hung around blues clubs or places that had live blues acts, you probably saw Big Twist and the Mellow Fellows. Big Twist’s signature song was “Too Much Barbecue”, which proved prophetic when he died of a heart attack. I was working as an assistant manager at Country Kitchen at the time. Twist used to come in whenever he came to town. Twist always ate at Country Kitchens, wherever he went, because of the chicken fried steak. Those of us on duty when he showed up always got put on the band’s list at the club where they played. Just thought you would like to know.)
In voice over, Jeff says that he did the psyche move just to get under Jason’s skin. He adds that he wasn’t interested in Kara, cause he only likes intelligent women, and any women with a big monkey like Jason for a boyfriend can’t be intelligent. I start to hate Jeff as intensely as Jason does.
Day 3. Michael is doing aerobics with the bimboes. He feels like Hugh Hefner. He’s living the life. Jason, on the other hand, is missing Kara something fierce. Anthony says Jason is having the worst time of the four guys. Anthony is also missing Stephanie. Michael has forgotten he even has a girlfriend. Eric is nowhere to be seen, having somehow gotten away during the night.
Nighttime. Our host, Mark L. Wahlberg (the L is for Laconic), leads the men in, including Eric who was captured during the day. Anthony says he thought they were going to have a twist to send the himboes selected as threatening to go out on the first date. They are relieved that they sent the people away. Our host, Mark L. Wahlberg (the L is for Least Surprising Twist Ever), brings in the himboes that were sent away. He tells all eight men that the himboes will be the first dates for the girls. Jason is glaring. Jeff looks like the class clown looks just before he gets beat up. I’m rooting for Jason, and hope that after he takes out Jeff he gives Michael a punch or two. Thankfully, the show ends.
Next Week: Jason is unhappy, Anthony gets jealous, and Michael gives Tanaya the go ahead to flirt with him. Apparently Eric and Kristin were able to escape again, or else they are doing time in the Box for trying to get out. Our host, Mark L. Wahlberg (the L stands for Look, If I Had A Career Would I Be Doing This?), is still sitting.
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