LAST EDITED ON 01-18-02 AT 09:23 PM (EST)LAST EDITED ON 01-18-02 AT 08:39 PM (EST)
"HOlier-than-thou"
Since even Fox realized that that wasn’t what Santa meant when he chanted “Ho, ho, ho”, Ti2 was delayed for 3 weeks until a less holy period could be found for it. Because this show rots our attention span, here’s a quick recap about what happened last. Basically, Fox, desperate for drunken orgy, made the contestants all go on a group date together. Also about half the cast was eliminated as we said goodbye to Bleachhead, The Kickboxer, and Mr. Jack-Off; as well as Chocolate Implants, That Other Black Girl, Tori Spelling and most importantly, Edmundo’s Semen Receptacle. Also some new hos came aboard, which is where we left off…
At the coupled boys’ place, the single girls there are all envious and threatened of the new hos while the sleazy guys there are eager beavers for the new gals. Meanwhile over at Coupled Girls’ resort, a similar feeling is occurring. Wussi (Rossi) feels particularly threatened, since Size 14 (Brian) came back much to Catherine’s glee and I don’t think that’s fair to Wussi. He has a big ##### too. Too bad Wussi’s is on his shoulders. Catherine says she likes “beautiful men” which doesn’t explain why she was with Edmundo.
Time to meet the fresh meat! We have Test Drive (Jocelyn) who says she likes “muscle cars” and wants to be ridden, much to Tommy’s (Nik's boyfriend) slack-jawed excitement and Nikkole’s vocal annoyance. Then there’s Root Canal (Aaron T.) Hilariously, he’s listed as a “Oral Surgeon.” I thought that was Hilary’s job? Anyway, he’s boring so we move to Debbie Does Dallas (Debbie) because judging by the flat way she introduces herself, that’s pretty much the only role this “model/actress” is gonna get. Surfer Dude (Chad) is a property supervisor Leasing Agent and a couple of ringlets away from Love Cruise Bob hair. Finally, someone I recognize as Duckface (Caneel) warms her way into our hearts with the statement “The ##### is back” (No, dear. The bitches have always been here.) A contrite Shannon stupidly says “I didn’t think she was a #####.” Of course not, you thought she was a whore. Because that’s so much better. Legal Briefs (Aaron S.) is yet ANOTHER blond dude (geez with this and all the blonds on Real World XI, this is becoming the Year on the Aryan, huh?). Oh Lord, here we go! Tiffani 2: Electric Boob-a-loo (Magalie) is a Haitian exotic dancer (what, no fancy, made-up job for her?) who shows how flexible she is by bending over in her thong and shows her…whoa! Maybe I should have saved the “eager beaver” description for her. And finally we’re reintroduced to Size 14. Catherine all but orgasms right there, while Edmundo looks upset because the only thing HE has in a “14” is his IQ. Since these singles were specifically “selected” for the couples, each ho is assigned a person. Surfer Dude pairs off with Kelly because 80’s movies taught us that they go with ditzy valley girls. Root Canal, having a job and all goes toward goldigging Shannon. Tall Legal Briefs is hooked up with Nikkole, and Catherine gets to see if a “Size 14” will fit her. Skankalicious T2:EB goes with Mark since Kel says he likes strippers. Duckface and John are paired together. Tommy gets to see if he can work his stick shift with Test Drive. Nikkole revels in how White Eyeshadow Girl (Kristen. And thank you Nikkole for making my job ten times easier) is all worried all of a sudden. Meanwhile Edmundo gets a temporary sperm dumpster with DDD. Shannon points out the irony of the “old hos” getting possessive over their boyfriends. Wow I haven’t seen THAT before. Except in the previous 7 episodes, of course.
Dates:
Nikkole & LB. She thinks LB is too young. Plus Nikkole goes on and on about Fireman (NY Tommy) just like Rosie O’Donnell, but without the lesbian repression. They even shop for his B-day present while Legal Briefs wears the Hangdog Expression of Not Getting Any. Scuzzy Tommy & TD. Tommy lies that TD was the finest girl there. He then tells her how much of a bad boy he is (Really? I haven’t noticed.). Test Drive then says that SHE’S bad too, but she obviously means it in a “Ooh-I-kissed-two-guys-on-the-Mandalay-I’m-so-bad” sorta way, if ya know what I mean. Tommy says she’s “bad” meaning “good.” And Tommy is “bad” meaning, “duplicitous, sleazy, seedy, rotten, unfaithful man-whore.” Catherine & Size 14. Catherine’s all giddy about being with Size 14. They feed baby monkey’s (with some of them mistaking Catherine’s chest for two overripe coconuts). Edmundo & DDD. Another recycled date to the waterfalls. Edmundo looks glazed as usual. Schoolmarm Shannon & Root Canal. They use jet-skis and Shannon bitches that RC has a nice body, but horrible hair. She then adjust herself to make sure the stick is up there further. Duckface & John. She gets reacquainted with the Island with John,. Duckface tells him to “let go” (of his belt) and go with what he feels (And we know what Duckface wants him to feel.) Surfer Dude & Kelly. SD tells Kel what she wants to hear so she will do him. Wait that was cynical of me. I meant Surfer listens to Kelly babble about her boyfriend problems and becomes her affirmation specialist because he’s really concerned about the well-being of her relationship. Sure. Mark &T2:EB. T2:EB gets a message, but Double Earring Mark (Look who’s been shopping at Brian Austin Green’s garage sale!) declines. Indeed, he’s not all that impressed with Tiffani 2: Electric Boob-a-loo. Nor is our accented ho to him. To make up for T2:EB not getting a made-up job, I’ll make one up for her : Interpretive Dancer of the Erotic Arts. This student of dance gracefully spreads her legs and I think what she's communicating to us through this art form is that the whole world is her gynecologist. She then earns a sliver of my respect by suggesting that DE Mark may either be gay (I told you those earrings were trouble) or it ain’t working downstairs. T2: EB may be the biggest skank here, but I like her. Cathy comes back from her date where we discover that Eyebrows (Ali) has become the “gay best friend” of the group, giggling with Cathy about her flirtation with Size 14 and making witty nicknames for the other guys. Then Eyebrows critiques the new Cosmo and he and Cathy bond over the latest Queer as Folk. Ok they don’t. Yet.
On Couple Guys’ Resort, Test Drive and T2: EB stated tramping it up on the pool bridge. The previous sluts turn into the petty bitter bitchy 13 year old girls we all hated in school by giving the new sluts the Stink Eye of Dueling Skankitude. White Eyeshadow Girl actually has the nerve to say that the new girls “lack class” and are “trashy.” Because the previous girls only spend 22 hours with their legs open, and then spend the remaining two having poetry readings or debating the works of Aristotle and Plato and other leisure activities of panache and refienment. I wouldn’t throw white-eyeshadow tinted stones if I were you, WES. Since Tommy responds to the word “trashy” (also “sleazy”, “dirty”, “nasty”) he gets up there and grinds against the new hos. John passes on the party however, and chooses to hang out with Bland Girl (Nayla) instead. She and John start to connect in a “going to the ice-cream-social-after-the-sock-hop” sorta way.
After a toast with the single guys and coupled girls, Shannon notices that the single guys started staking there claim. Fireman hugs Nikkole while Size 14 dances with Catherine. Wussi comes down with a bad case of the “Hillarys” and says that Catherine dancing with Tommy is “disrespectful”, like how DARE she cheat on her non-boyfriend like that.! More jealous looks from toolicious Wussi as he abuses a metaphor about being a tarantula instead of a fly caught in a web (someone quick! Get the Raid!) Then he throws her in the pool and oh how I’d wish she’d return the favor but replacing “pool” with “active volcano.” Because Wussi sucks, people! But Catherine finally joins the rest of the world in no longer giving a rat’s ass about Wussi. She says she here to play, and proves it by having a Cinemax moment with Size 14 right there on the beach. Meanwhile Fireman puts out Nikkole with his big hose. Annoying, ditzy Kelly comes and makes a completely off-the-wall comment (wow, it’s like the Survivor jury is still going on) about Brian’s looks while Nik and Fireman are still in the bed. Huh? She wishes Firefighter a happy b-day, but I think Nikkole already blew out his candle.
Tom Thumb (blond Tommy) tells us that he’s feeling for Kelly. His dumb-ass Pink Hat of Impending Nookie tells us that Gina from Love Cruise got a job as Ti2 fashion designer. Anyway, they get into bed to make it a trifecta of sleaze. Shannon’s sad because no one wants to sleep next to her judgmental ass. She gets all puritanical and upset about the other girls having sex and weeps. I so feel her. I mean what do the other girls think this is anyway, some type of place of temptation or something?
The coupled guys meat Marky Mark around the bonfire. They have to decide whether to watch video of their gals. DE Mark decides to pass and BS’s that it’s because he wants to enjoy his time here, and wants her to do the same (And he hopes that Kelly won’t see his video and this will be his “get out of jail free” card). Edmundo, forced to think with the head on his shoulders for a change just repeats Mark’s spiel. In a pathetic attempt for non-blandness, John decides to watch the video. But he’s dating the puritan so it’s just Shannon dancing in her petticoats and bonnet with Kickboxer. Despite claims of being “hurt” John knows Shannon’s too busy painting red “A’s” on people’s clothes to be too broken up about it. Tommy sees his video where Nikki is doing body shots off Fireman. Pot, I mean Tommy gets all self-righteous all of a sudden and gets all “Emril” on our asses and promises to “turn it up a notch.” Yep, no more chaste Bingo nights and virginal church socials for him! (Do I even need to mention that this hypocritical dork bragged about being a “bad boy” just a few minutes ago?) Edmundo mentions that nothing like that happens here and I’m surprised that none of the 2,000 lightning shots per episode doesn’t strike them right there. In fact with all the hypocritical self-righteousness and judgmental attitudes around this episode, it was like The 10 Commandments as produced by Hustler.
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