LAST EDITED ON 11-08-01 AT 06:43 AM (EST)
Welcome my friends, to the show I wish would end. Ok..Let's get this out of the way first thing, shall we? Vamp's doing a Summary??... Stop laughing!
Welcome to the tropical paradise that is Playa Tambor, Costa Rica.
Playa..... playa...? Oh my! How appropratie is THAT locale for this show. I can see the producers giggling like schoolgirls now. The possibilities with this one are endless.. And as a side note... why does it make me think of Shakes?
Don't worry folks.. They've cleaned up their act this time, and promised that there will be NO couples woith kids allowed..
"All potential participants must not be married and all applicants must not have or be expecting a child," disclaims Rocket Science Laboratories, the production company behind the show.
No... That wasn't a typo.. go back and re read if you have to. That's right... Rocket Science Laboratories!! ( insert your own joke here)
It further states that this in NO WAY prohibits the couples from concieving one DURING the filming of TI2...in fact, it is encouraged. Producers hope that in the year 2025, they will have a gold mine in .........................."Temptation Island 25.. The Offspring of the Immoral" (OK, I made that up.. but come ON!) Something tells me Danny Bonaduce will have plenty of screwed up people like himself to interview well into his Geritol years.
I almost missed the beginning of the episode actually. I thought it was a Budweiser commercial at first, but then realized it couldn't be because the fine folks at Anheuser-Busch wouldn't wouldn't use a woman with a moustache. They show what women will look like to you after the alcohol is consumed... not before. Anyway....
Yadda, yadda, yadda, and then............
We get to meet the couples. First, in a shower scene that was trying to go for sexy, but only made me long for Psycho, we meet Catherine and Edmundo. My first thought was, Oh my God! Some mad scientist... or IceCat... morphed The Rock and Rob Schneider into one person even uglier than either was alone... and with the advantage of two simple minds merged into one, he realized he had never had any talent, so Reality TV was the logical next step.
His girlfriend Catherine the Phony pulls the stick out of her ass long enough to say to the beast... "You're gonna be in a pool full of..... women are bad, baby." Don't you just love how all women say that women are bad, yet "they" always seem to be the exception? Yeah, whatever...just put the sheath back on that chin, before you cut someone with it, would you?. And I cannot tell you how dissappointed I was when Eddo opened his yap and said that he fell in love with Catherine in three days. Apparently the brains didn't survive the merge after all.
In Phoenix we meet John "I'm not gonna say she's a golddigger.." and Shannon "I'm not motivated by money." Two things. How the hell do you know? and BULLSHIT! This couple has been together a whole 10 months. Great plan Shannanigans...Test a brand new relationship by putting your man out there to be devoured by tons of beautiful women, while you go slutting around looking for a man with a bigger bank account. Both of these people just ooooooze commitment, don't they?
The next contestants submitted for your viewing displeasure are Tony and Genevieve. Together for 4.5 years, the only thing she seems to be concerned about is that he keep that "I got lotsa tongue tricks" in his mouth.. Ummmm, Tony? If this TI thing doesn't work out... gimmie a call.
Finally, we meet Tommy and Nikkole. Tommy's statement at the beginning, "Just another day with Nikkole and the dogs" pretty much sums it up for these two. This couple kinda cleaned up the harshness of their tones for TV.. but don't worry, I speak "What they really mean" so I'll translate.
After a shot of a wave and a plane ride.. our couples hop on their horses while a cheesy rip off of an Enigma song plays in the background. (this is Fox... remember?).. Thankfully interruped so we can hear those wonderful words of romance we all love to have whispered in our ears.. "I mean if we're gonna take it to the next level... and I was to get sick, I need to make sure thaqt I have someone who can pay my bills for me." Says Shannon. Hey John...Pssssssst.... I've only seen maybe 27 seconds of Shannanigans and even I can see she's all about the money, honey. What kind of drugs are you on?
More horse riding and then, lucky us... more romantic sweet nothings. This time provided by Genevieve. "We're here because we've hit a rut. We've had no kind of emotional dispute, argument or any kind of drama whatsoever." Did she really say that?? *rewinds tape* Yup.. she said that. Then she spits out, "I wanna see if the grass is really greener." C'mon toots! You don't give a shit what color the grass is, you just want another snake slithering through it.
And HEY! Check out the way kewl dog collars all of them are wearing as they make their way to the electric chairs to hear old Marky Mark spew his masters words. Heeeeey... Maybe we'll get lucky and they are electric shock dog collars.. Now THAT would be some good TV!
No such luck though, and we are shown something that is only described as laughable. The singles entering in blue grim reaper robes. And for some reason, they added maniacial canned laughter as the singles dropped the robes to reveal themselves. Creepy.. Way creepy.
Blah, Blah, blah, Mark... Blah blah...
More music, more horses, more boredom. Cut to Fox's version of the last supper.
Tommy: You finally got what you wanted.....TRANSLATION: "Thanks ALOT, bitch!! "You're always telling everybody our business and stuff." TRANSLATION: "I wish you would shut the fuck up!"
Nikkole: Ok, baby.. TRANSLATION: "Whatever.. I'm gonna find me a better man than your lazy ass....."
Oh look!!! It's finally time to meet the sluts and whoremongers! Oh... wait, that's CNN. *winks at Supe*
Here they are in all their sluttiness. I pity the poor parents of these people. The first whore we meet is....
Brian: He informs the couples of his size 14 shoe then asks them to do math.
Kristin: The pediatric nurse.. I think she meant that in a different way. This girl looks the same age as Brian's shoe size.
Kevin: Hang out?? Yeah.. hang out of a window and I'll give you a nice push....
Amanda: OMG!! I didn't know that crack whores were eligible for this show too. So nice to see Fox doesn't discrminate against what type of whore one is.
Tommy: NY Firefighter. Hero. Nuff said.
Caneel: Likes to party like a rock star... Wow, bet she knows the crack whore then...
Jeff: A plastic Ken doll type.
Kaine: Aspiring Lawyer... Ooookkkaaaaay.........
Katie: Points to her chest while telling the men that her best qualities aren't on the outside.
Nayla: A teacher... Hard to rip on this one... for now.
Tony: Another victim of a morph.. This time with the kid from American Pie. Ack!
Donna: A Pennsylvania amazon. Yup, we grow 'em tall here.
Juleby: Juleby Bwwaaaahh!! If I can get past the name, I know there's plenty more to make fun of here.
Kishi: Heeeeeey.. now I know who the "before alcohol" model is! Looks like she's still sporting the moustache too.
Omar: He's be nice to have around if your washing machine ever went on the fritz.
Hillary: Likes to ride horses.. and apparently, have her ass slapped.
Oscar: Loves tequila and women....maybe he should hook up with moustache woman after he has a few shots.
Meridith: An attorney who claims she's still fun. Come on! We all know that attorneys are fun!
Ali: A basketball player and an idiot
Tiffani: A beauty with a body. She could come in handy if someone nearby is drowning.
Thomas: Likes rainbows and unicorns??!! And Tommy boy.. That was NO moonwalk... that was a seizure. I'd see a doctor about that. What a maroon!
Kristin: A rock chick. We all know rock chicks are perfect, right? *grin*
Ruben: Kickbox instructor. Hey Rube! You think I could get you to kickbox Kevin outta that window for me?
Linda: dull, dull, dull......
Rossi: I dunno.. I'm still trying to figure out why they scraped the bottom of the barrel and came up with this guy. But he WILL be fun to laugh at.
Anna Maria: Gets paid to party. Wow! First a crack whore from Vegas, and now a regular whore, whore!
Now it's time to see the two who are chosen to get booted right off the bat. The man chosen is Brian.. You remember him.. the guy with the size 14 shoe. Yeah, that line had nothing to do with the men choosing you. The women were so dissapointed too. "Awww, he was nice" "He was a cool guy" EXCUSE ME ladies... all the man said was that he had a dick the size of Texas. Jeeze! The lucky woman chosen to vacate is Caneel. Guess she won't get to party with the crack whore after all.
When the time comes for the "hands off" bractlets to be given. Shannon "Oh gosh you guys are skinny" gives hers to Linda.
John gives his to Tony because he seems "genuine" Yeah, right... that's why.
Nikkole gives hers to Katie
Tommy ( Dude!! what is up with those pants?!) gives his to Rossi. Are you kidding me? He has about as much common sense as fashion sense.
Catherine gives hers to Katie as well, and in one of the BEST parts of the entire show, Katie does a hilarious imitation of Catherine with the stick up her butt! I couldn't have said it better myself! You GO girlfriend!
Genevive gives hers to Amanda the Vegas crack whore because she says that she is the LEAST attractive!! LMAO! Bullshit! The least attractive she is, but the main reason you gave it to her was that you just don't want your man coming back with AIDS or some other nasty sexual disease. I actually didn't see who the rest of the braclets went to because I was laughing so hard at the crack whore. Good thing I taped it.
Edmundo gives his to Juleby. Buwwaahhh! I still can't get past that name!
Tony gives his to Kaine as Genevieve stares daggers at him. I think she wanted some of that stuff.
Blah, Blah, applause, applause, and off to the boat. I guess that other meal was the next to the last supper because here we are around the table again, where Shannon informs John that she puts faith in his hands. Well honey, there's no whore on here named Faith, but I'm sure he'll have a Kristin or a Katie in his hands before too long.
Marky informs them that it is time to go, and Shannon gasps as if surprised. Come on! But first they may have a few minutes in a seedy looking sex room to say goodbye. Just a highlight......
Tommy: "I'll just go on some dates and see what happens" TRANSLATION: "I'm gonna get me some serious booty!"
Nikkole: "You don't have to give a speech.." TRANSLATION: "Just shut your dumb ass mouth. You are annoying the hell outta me, asswipe!!!"
Tommy: "You're always cutting me off" TRANSLATION: "I'm so sick of you and that big trap of yours!"
Nikkole: "Shhhhhhh...." TRANSLATION: "Shut the fuck up, jerk!"
Tommy: "Oh I'll Shhhh, cuz I'll be gone." TRANSLATION "I'll hook up with that crack whore and bring you back a nice disease, baby. By the way... I hate you."
And my friends.. my PERSONAL favorite two lines from tonight's episode of Temptation Island.....
Marky Mark: "It's time to go.."
Tommy: " Thank GOD!!!!"
"Just die, Frank..." - Lindsey, S3