The show starts with the girls picking their dates. Shannon goes with Tom, of course. Valerie, the girl with the face that cannot smile, takes the happy-go-lucky motocross guy, because his good attitude will take her mind off all her problems. Just when you thought she could be no lamer. The only interesting spot is where Mandy chooses tall sensitive guy instead of the black guy she made out with. Apparently, sensitive guy is mysterious. Black strawberry guy almost lost it. It was kind of touching.The show immediately turns way south by spending what seems like an eternity talking with Taheed and Ytossie. They’ve been hanging out, arguing, and gaining pearls of wisdom from some guy who lives on the island with his disgusting wife. They decide to give counseling a shot. Who cares? They’ll break up four more times before Christmas! The best part is where Mark Walberg starts talking street to Taheed, who should get an Emmy for not busting up. (“Did you ‘go there’?)
At some point the girls say their goodbyes to the guys. The guys all talk about how motocross guy has a good attitude, and thus deserves the final date. They all realize that Valerie is awful, an at least motocross guy will have a sense of humor about it.
The highlight of the show is where Kaya says he’s finally realized his “market value.” Like anyone who is beautiful but stupid, Kaya is the perpetual victim. Valerie is almost by default way smarter, and keeping Kaya’s confidence down was a smart move, but she definitely dropped the ball by letting her little boy on the show. This guy’s been eating flavorless mush for like a year and a half. Even a dash of salt is going to send him packing. It’s clear that she’s the girlfriend that is an awful lay, but never does anything wrong, so a kid like Kaya will never posse up the three sackhairs necessary to dump the girl and find someone who makes him happy. Anyway, he should move on, sure, but he’ll likely just wind up being controlled by someone else.
As far as his market value, he shouldn’t get cocky. He’s just not bright or tough enough to stay in control of any relationship. That “rodeo” mime ##### from a couple weeks ago just cries out, “I’m very pretty, but I was pretty much a virgin until I turned 23. I’m just shy I guess.” Some people say to me, “Hey, he doesn’t look so dumb,” but it’s way too easy to picture him saying something like, “Tickets? I don’t have the tickets. I thought you had the tickets.” He’s a male model for God’s sake.
PICKING THE FINAL DATES
The guys picked their dates in appropriate order, with Andy going last. Andy, who has been drinking heavily since just about day one, is now about ready to kill Kaya, his nemesis. Kaya picks the cool date, where they get to go rapelling into the jungle and crash in a tent that’s “like an altar,” effectively pissing on whatever embers were left in Andy’s fireplace. Andy is now less man than ever, if that’s possible, spending the whole sequence griping about having to go on the mudbath date, and even declining to toast with the rest of the crew. Maybe he’s a zinfandel man. Five years. Shannon,
please.
Andy eventually feigns excitement about his mudbath date, a date only suited for people who look good naked. Elisabeth does. Andy does not.
Billy is going to some kind of cabana with Vanessa. They could care less.
The girls’ dates all kind of sound the same, I don’t know, I was drinking a lot. They all involve cabanas.
THE FINAL DATES
Kaya is so intent on being a dufus, it’s almost as if he wants to make up for ruining Andy’s life on television by displacing him as the stupidest guy on the show. He opines about his “complete woman” as Playboy chick is sliding down a rope. She’s got everything he wants. Playboy chick on a rope. Yep, that about covers it. Actually, that doesn’t sound all that bad, now that I think about it...
Billy and Vanessa I can’t even dis. No, she’s not hot, at all, but she has a certain moral flexibility about her. Billy’s not so much trying to figure out what he should do, as trying to figure out if Mandy cheated on him yet, and, if so, he’d better get on the job so he doesn’t look like a sucker.
Andy, was it Andy? Saying some drivel about cuddling being intimate, and therefore more threatening than hooking up. Whoever said it should be kicked off the island and not allowed to return to the United States. Then again, Taheed did a bit more than cuddle, and Ytossie stayed with him, so there ya go.
Anyway, Andy and Elisabeth... just more Andy-sucks primetime. During the mud-thing, he spent most of the time trying to keep himself covered with a conspicuously small piece of jungle foliage. Said something about the age difference, f*cking spare me. Even before he let himself go to #####, he was never good looking enough to be seen with this chick. Elisabeth was concerned about looking like a whore (“I’m a real estate broker!”). Though at one point she was concealed only by a couple of flowers, her worries are unjustified, as no one in the country has any doubts regarding her chastity, at least where this tool is concerned.
Bashing Andy is kind of the trend, I realize, but he absolutely deserves it, but not for what a loser he’s been on the show. He deserves it because when Shannon said, hey, let’s go on the show, his reaction should have been, “No, no f*cking way.” You’re that guy, Andy, the guy who’s girlfriend is out of his league. Not that Shannon’s that hot, but Andy, you’re like a solid 3 to her 7, plus she has a tolerable personality. You had too much to lose, and now you’ve f*cked it up so bad that even if Shannon stays with you on as of the final episode, she’s dumping your ass after she sees all this on tv!
Anyway... the dates go predictably. The only highlight is where Valerie sees the singles at the airport. Megan Goodheart is gone, but Valerie is rightfully concerned, as the very, very available playboy chick remains. Valerie cries for the whole date. Eats and cries. And yawns. Motocross guy is just laughing. Valerie crashes at like 9:00. Hope that cabana had television! Oh, ##### they’re in Belize... Do they have Telemundo there? Poor motocross guy. He’s cool.
Billy might have hooked up with Vanessa, probably not. Andy was annoyed that Elisabeth didn’t go out of her way to make him comfortable (“Gimme my fifty bucks back!”). Kaya actually might have copped a feel, but even if he didn’t, he’s gone. Valerie got her 8.0 hours of sleep, which may have been induced by her early-show vitamin overdose. She took like 35 vitamins! What the hell is that? Her piss must have glowed in the dark! Mandy had a lovely time with that guy, who is apparently much more sensitive than Billy (a distinction on par with being much smarter than Kaya), and probably blew him. She’ll stay with Billy anyway.
And finally, Shannon. Shannon has two issues she’s been working out for the last few days. One is how much she can get away with and not technically be cheating. The second is related, though a little more subtle. Tom is obviously a way better catch than Andy, but how can she guarantee that he’ll be there for her after the breakup? That’s a tough strategy call. My bet is the shirt comes off, but the pants stay on. Tom’s call is a little tougher. He’s basically got a seven week infomercial about himself for free, with pretty much everyone kissing his ass. After the show, he’ll never sleep alone again. Does he want to limit himself to Shannon? Who can say? Or care.
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