Ok, we’re up against the Grammys tonight… its been two weeks since we last saw our group of young, tanned, sweat glistening…who? who the heck are these people and why am I so pumped up to watch this… oh yeah, this is Temptation Island. The show starts out with the traditional opening: rehash the events leading up the final romance and temptation filled dream dates. This week includes a few random shots of stuff we haven’t seen before to spice things up. Was that Shannon dry humping someone on the dance floor? Who are these people?
Ok, its time for Shannon to pick Tom for her date for the final romance and temptation filled dream dates. Oh yeah, Mandy and Valerie get to pick too. Mandy will make the most of her remaining time on the island, and Valerie will merely endure it.
Valerie picks Danno, Huh? Not sure where he came from. He’s obviously the only one left who can deal with her general bitchy and uptight manner. Perhaps the final romance and temptation filled dream date will soften her up. Mandy picks, who? Who is this guy? Something about a triple date play.
Lets check in on Ytossi and Taheed now to fill the air time they would have filled as legitimate contestants. Boring, what a jip. This stuff is just too real and too sad to be entertaining…A not ready for prime time couple somehow joins them for some impromptu couples therapy at the beach bar and we hear Ytossi and Taheed’s commentary on their time on the island. We discover that Ytossi gave the old college try to level the playing field and managed to snog two singles off camera.
Back to the other couples….
The Unchosen guys pack their bags and head out. Again, more discussion of Tom and Shannon’s wedding. Also speculation about Mandy and who? Mandy, in typical squeak fashion “ok, who wants to give me a piggy back?”
And now over to the Pathetic Media Whore Single Ladies (PMWSL) to say goodbye.
That’s right! Your fifteen seconds are up now Alabama! Boo Hoo, lets feign sadness, keep in touch!
A random PMWSL takes the mike in a desperate grab at air time and makes the statement: “Alison is really really into Kaya – and he’s the one who really needs to get rid of the girlfriend.” Yeah, right!!! Does anyone here remember Alison rolling her eyes at the stupefying dumbness that is Kaya way back in episode one? At any rate, I’m wondering if anyone else has realized that Kaya is gay yet? Wait, is that Eminem and Elton out behind the cabana?
Megan, our heroin from last episode, is now crying in her thrown, she says she needs Kaya to know she wasn’t ‘faking’ it with regards to her feelings for him. Don’t worry Megan, he’ll always remember you as one of the ‘two girls who I really had feelings for in this experience.’ We do feel sorry for Megan, don’t we? Just a little?
Day 11
Back with Ytossi and Taheed. Walberg interviews Ytossi and for a moment we see flashes of Chuck Woolery:
Chuck: Ytossi, why do you love Taheed?
Ytossi: He’s charming, and also, he cheats so damn much its sort of a challenge, and not to mention that he has a twelve inch…
Chuck: what do you expect from the future of your relationship?
Ytossi: Taheed keeps me in line by always keeping me guessing, so I’m going to have to go with “up the butt” Chuck.
Lets go over to Taheeds corner now and determine the fate of a five year relationship, never before seen on national television.
Taheed: I’m in the box, this was all Ytossi’s idea….
Host: “Is that your final answer?”
Taheed: Ytossi loves me even thought I cheat… she’s obsessed with me, I dig that.
Chuck: Alright, we’ll be back in two and two with Ytossi.
Now Taheed and Ytossi head to head.
Taheed goes first and its feeling very Jerry Springer…. what’s he going to say? Oh dear, he wants to spend his life with Ytossi, he loves her, that’s right, America, Taheed, although incredibly sweaty at the moment, is really not such a cheating schmuck, well maybe he’s not a schmuck….
Chuck Woolery leaves the happy couple alone for a moment, and Ytossi does a faith healing with the hand to Taheed’s forehead “you are healed!” and we fade to commercial.
Mens’s Resort
Men at dinner. Billy brought his clip-on tie from his days as a safeway bag boy. Vanessa was apparently asked to remove her hat in the dining room this evening. Ew.
There are three final romance and temptation filled dream dates to choose from: a dank cave dwelling adventure, a girls day at the spa, and the nifty repelling adventure leading to the Alter of Fertility Honeymoon Suite. Kaya gets to pick first. Kaya, who has now taken the title of “One who must fulfill America’s dream of stuffing Andy” does as he should and picks the date Andy wanted. We are beginning to really like Kaya.
Billy carries his own weight and picks Andy’s second choice, and Andy and his date are in for a day of pampering at the headhunters resort.
At this point Andy is visibly pouting. HA! Finally! Someone should have done this to this boy years ago. The three couples raise their wine glasses and Andy won’t toast.. someone please smack this boy down! Kaya is too busy checking out his reflection in the window and Billy is tormented by guilt and Andy just goes on unchecked. Big freakin baby. Oh well, maybe humiliation on national television will pierce the arrogant bubble of illusion he lives in where he is loved and admired by all. NOT. Get real Andy, you’re not even that good looking, maybe you picked up the dregs at your fraternity, but Shannon is so out of your league… where was I?
Women’s resort, and three dates to choose from. Mandy, in the manner of a squeal indicates to us that she gets to pick first. The three choices are: Cheech and Chong Lodge, Frances Ford Coppola’s Vacation Lodge, and Lodge Three, which comes with a team of man servants.
Mandy picks the Cheech and Chong lodge, Shannon, starved as she is from 5 years with Andy, picks the team of man servants.
Day 12 Women’s Resort
Mandy: “When I was packing, I just didn’t think I’d need it, so I left my diaphragm at home, and now BOY do I regret that.”
Valerie: “Four hundred and twenty-two, four hundred and twenty-three…. Vitamins are what keep me chipper!”
The final romance and temptation filled dream dates, finally!!
Mandy and Billy’s Dates
Billy: I like Vanessa, she speaks in a normal voice, no squealing
Valerie and Kaya’s Dates
Valerie is with Danno, huh? You got me, I think she just wanted someone who didn’t already hate her who wouldn’t take up too much of her oxygen as she waits for all of this to be over and for her and Kaya to be together and happy once again…. Danno and Valerie stop at the airport – OH NO, the PMWSLs are at the Airport, which somehow leads Valerie to tears. Pass the MIDOL please.
Kaya is going out with Alison, the 28 year old playboy model turned family practitioner. Kaya: “I’m so happy to be here and to be free and open and kind of find my market value, why the hell else would I be dating a log if I didn’t think I was a worthless lump as well?” Alison: “I’m going to just say what I need to say to get through the last few days on this island on fox’s dime. “
Andy and Shannon’s Dates
Andy: “Elizabeth makes a nice arm rest.” Elizabeth: “I can’t really breath”
Shannon: “I love Tom.”
Mandy and her date, who was he again? At any rate, he finally had the nerve to tell her her hair looks whacked.
Billy and Vanessa are now in the caves. Billy’s got his legs wrapped around Vanessa, as they ride their inner-tubes back to the trailer park.
Shannon: Tom is perfect, he’s not Andy!
Andy and Elizabeth at the spa. Andy: “Kaya should be here, fags love this stuff.”. St. Elizabeth consoles him and the two of them are then covered with the blood of the wild boar and ink of island boll weevil jowls. The two of them look ridiculous, thank you Fox! HA HA HA HA this is the best thing I’ve seen so far.
Over to Kaya and Alison repelling. Kaya in a lovely aqua marine wife beater that accents his eyes.
Back to Valerie and Danno. Valerie: “My plan is to wear Danno out today so I can go to my room and mope in private and fantasize about my reunion with Kaya”
Back to Andy and Elizabeth. Elizabeth is swimming in the hot tub with a towel on. Hi Andy, I am a woman who is completely repulsed by you. Andy blames his inability to score with Elizabeth on their age difference. Andy: Sour Grapes, says he’s not into head games (Read: Andy is stuffed once again).
Shannon and Tom: when’s the honeymoon? The two of them go into their room, door closes and lights out! DAMN!
Back to Danno and Valerie where Danno is being shown the couch. Ouch! Danno looks panic ridden at the camera man as if to say “ I have to sleep out here? Do you think I can catch up to the single women at the airport? “ We close their date with a shot of Danno doing his best Kurt Kobain impression.
Back to Kaya and Alison making their way to the fertility suite. Kaya: “I’m too sexy for this headlamp” Candle blows out at the mosquito net falls closed.
Back to Mandy, and who? Mandy: “I’ve forgotten your name, but you’ll do. Lets kiss. Are we going to hell?
Vanessa and Billy in Bed. Billy: “I’m thinking about throwing Mandy out the window.”
Stay tuned for scenes from the final dramatic final episode seven:
The Morning After. Billy is going to hell. Mandy vows to castrate him with a hunting knife. We’ll see the moment of truth. The couples will confront each other. Confessions! Kaya: I fell in love with two girls and my market cap is through the roof! Screw you Valerie. We see a shot of Shannon teary eyed but not regretful – yeah baby! Probably ok because Andy knows Megan is waiting for him back in LA.
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