DISCLAIMER: Anyone who actually likes this show or, in the alternative, claims that they don’t like the show but still cares about certain members of the cast.....is an absolute fuccking moron and should no longer be allowed to drive, converse with people, be out in public, vote, reproduce or breathe ever again. This has been the worst series in the history of television...it is so bad it makes “The Bette Midler Show” look like “MASH”.
And there are absolutely NO LIKEABLE people on this show.......Billy is an idiot.....Panzy Andy is the biggest loser to appear on television since Hitler....Kaya is...well, Kaya is confused, let’s just leave it at that.......Shannon dated Andy for 5 years, nuff said.......Mandy is a predictable whore.....and Valerie is, simply put, a miserable cunt.
Now, on to the show!!!!!!!
Here comes the narrator..... “WOULD YOU DO IT? A NEW TEMPTATION ISLAND STARTS NOW” Hold, on, let me brace myself considering that, to date, nothing has happened on this show.
Previously on this horseshit show..........ABSOLUTELY NOTHING HAPPENED
I’ll be going as quickly as I can through this summary to make this has painless as possible...so now, we’re back to where we left off two weeks ago, when the girls were about to select their “dream dates”. TIME OUT: Didn’t we see this scene already??? Why is this show backtracking and showing us the whole scene over again?? Could it be because this series was originally scheduled for 6 weeks, but since FOX (read: WHORE) wanted to stretch it out for an additional 7th episode, the producers are forced to play scenes over again, use a lot of slow-motion shots, basically do anything they can to somehow construct an extra episode since we all know from watching this crap that there hasn’t even been enough interesting material to fill up one episode, let alone 7. At this point I invite anyone who is offended by my “rants”, yet for some reason is still reading this summary to feel free to visit the “DISCLAIMER” one more time. Thank you.
Let’s see. Mandy doesn’t have enough “johns” to choose from so she gets permission to add one more. Shannon the drunk goes first...she has to choose from Tom, Tom, Tom or Tom. Shannon chooses “Big fish, little pond” unemployed Tom. Miserable Cunt goes next....the guys she went out with step forward including Dan-oh, who apparently never quite mastered the “Hokey Pokey” and puts his right foot in anyway even though he never dated the Miserable Cunt. Good move by Dan-oh cause MC picks him anyway. MC reasons that she picked Dan-oh cause he is upbeat so maybe he can compensate for the fact that she doesn’t even have a pulse. The whore picks next.....Johnny looks apprehensive as he senses that the body shot might have been the apex of his relationship with the whore......Mandy “shocks the world” and picks John who apparently IS on the show.....and John reveals that although he hasn’t actually “spoken” to the whore, they have a great bond anyway.
On to commercial....I thank god as I watch each commercial filled minute sweep by secure in the knowledge that with each minute of commercials that is one less minute that I have to spend watching this crap. Oh look, there’s a commercial for a new reality show by FOX, “Boot Camp”......great, this one looks even dumber than Temptation Island....16 people in boot camp...that sounds really fuccking entertaining. What happened to that show “Love Cruise” that was supposed to be on next that I heard so much about....where they ditch the couples and just have the hot singles go at it...now, that sounds like a show where ##### actually happens, unlike this piece of crap...FOX probably decided that it was actually “too good” and decided to scrap it for all these crappy shows...thanks. If it wasn’t for The Simpsons, I would never watch this network again.
Damn, the commercials are over. For the sake of my sanity, I am going to skip the next 15 minutes of the show....which were without a doubt the worst 15 minutes in the history of television.....I am, of course, talking about the much anticipated reunion b/w Yat-zee and
Tu-Pac. It was so damn bad I found myself yelling at the TV to move on to the next scene....and Yat-zee’s got a fat ass.
Cut to a scene of all the rejected singles leaving the island.......Megan starts crying cause she found out that Kaya is, well, Kaya is confused.
More commercials...thank you lord.
Back to the final meeting b/w Marky Mark and Yat-zee and Tu-Pac. We’ll be skipping this segment as well, thank you very much.
Okay, back to the show.......a dinner to decide what each couple gets to do on their final dream date (I just came “this close” to throwing up on my keyboard) Damn, is Vanessa ugly. Marky explains the order in which the couples will draft....Kaya and Alison pick first, Billy and that ugly heap of shitcsitting next to him pick second, and Panzy Andy and “Not Megan” draft last. Oh, this is good....I can’t believe I had to wait this long for Panzy to make an absolute ass of himself on national TV, usually he accomplishes that before the opening credits have finished rolling.
There are 3 choices....Jaguar Paw is a rustic resort w/ intertubing through caves...big deal. Maruba resort is a private island w/ a spa where you get pampered all day long....cut to foreshadowing as Panzy grimaces his displeasure at the thought of getting “stuck” with the spa resort. The last date is called caves branch adventure which Marky characterizes as an “extreme date where the couple start by repelling down a mountain to a private campsite located in the middle of the rainforest...”very romantic”.
Cut to a voice over w/ a pissed off Panzy who claims that “everyone kind of had an idea of who was gonna choose what. I actually talked to Kaya about it and talked up the repelling and told him how excited I was about it.” Then a shot of Panzy sitting at the dinner table in utter agony as he awaits Kaya (who is confused) and Alisons’ decision. Kaya, of course, picks the repelling date....”definitely the repelling one!” JUDAS!!!!!!! Panzy, stunned, slams his fists into his head. Said Panzy, “Kaya knew that that was the date that I really wanted so to have to sit there and watch him choose it in front of me made me furious, I was pissed.” Let me get this straight you little worm, because YOU really wanted the date and because YOU told Kaya that you really wanted the date, that means that YOU have a right over the others to have that date. What about what Kaya wants??? Wait, time out, I’m not even going to go there. So, Billy and the trash heap choose Jaguar paw and Panzy gets “stuck” with the Spa/Luxury resort. Panzy sits there for the remainder of the meal with a frown on his face only lifting his eyes off the plate to shoot dirty, hateful glances at Kaya......the rest of the couples toast each other on the final dates, but Panzy refuses to lift his glass and join in............he IS 9 years old. In another minute, he is gonna take his ball and go home. What a fuccking loser.
On to the whores...same deal, different resorts....no Panzy so it is quite uneventful. Cut to the Miserable Cunt in an interview and just like Pavlov’s Dog I am conditioned to fall asleep the second she opens her mouth so I missed the rest of the segment and woke up during the blessed commercials.
Back to the girls and the morning of the big dates. Miserable Cunt says that “ today I am feeling just kind of blah.” Oh really, just today...I tell ya, you look up “blah” in the dictionary and there’s a head shot of this miserable cunt right there. “Blah” ought to be her name for christ’s sake. Then she proceeds to try and O.D. on vitamins to cure her “blahness”....girl, all the supplements in the world couldn’t save you...try genetic re-engineering instead. “All I can think about is Kaya and what’s gonna happen when I see him tomorrow.” I’m sure that Kaya feels the same way...yeah right.
Next, some shots of everyone leaving for their dates...Panzy makes another 10 year old remark about going to the spa. Billy says that “it’s not fair to our dates to thinking about our girlfriends right now.” I don’t think it’s fair to the rest of us for Billy to so loosely throw around the word “thinking”. A shot of Vanessa running across the mud drenched road...oh wait, that was a pig.....I’m sure you can all understand how I could make the mistake. SO Vanessa, who is a perfect 10 out 8000, has this to say about the Total Package...”I’m going on THE date with Billy, THE most favorite guy. I am going to be THE coolest kid at recess tomorrow.”
And then it happened
Yes it happened
And she felt so bad
Cause she really tried
And she felt so bad
That she cried and cried...........
Oooppps, Valerie ruined her date
A simple dream date yet she ruined itttt
opps Valerie ruined her date
That miserable cunt is never fun
You guessed it, what would a date with the MC be without her running into someone or somebody or something that reminds her of Kaya. This time it’s seeing all the rejected single sluts at the airport.....”You can see the single girls here and then narrow it down. I have a pretty good idea of who he picked.” Then she starts crying, of course. Followed by this gem..”I again have a vis..visual in my head of who he’s spending two days with and I’m just tired of having to have that.” Uhm dumn bitch.....THEN WHY THE FUCCK DID YOU GO ON THIS SHOW???????? Have I told you what a miserable cunt she is?
Then we see Kaya, who is most likely equally distraught.......no, not quite, but he’s confused so he might not really have a grasp on what is happening. As long as he gets his hair right in the morning, everything else that happens throughout a typical day is just “frosting” for him. Says Kaya, “I came on this Island to be free and open and kind of find my market value which I never really knew before.” Excuse me???? What the fucck was that “market value” load of crap he was talking about. This guy’s an idiot.
Then Alison sets the medical profession back about a 1000 years with this statement about Kaya...”He’s really smart too though which people might not guess.” Are you kidding me....people have a better chance of “guessing” Einstein’s “Theory of Relativity”.
Now on to Panzy vs “Not Megan” and Shannon and Tom. Panzy is still making sarcastic (hardly) comments about getting stuck with the spa/luxury resort. Has anyone else noticed that “Big fish, little pond” Tom really hasn’t said ANYTHING funny or interesting or intelligent yet. What do these whores see in this loser...all he does is quote one tired cliche after another...today he even threw in the old trusty “kid in the candy store” analogy...talk about clever.
Now on to Mandy the whore and John Doe...they’re swimming in a private pool and then in a voice over we get this load of crap..”he helped me take my braids out, and he was just so sweet the way he was touching my hair. When you’re taking out braids you’re releasing...I felt like I was releasing myself a little bit. Billy never helped me take out my braids, and he’s my boyfriend. I love John Doe.” Who ever told her that she was allowed to analogize? That’s like giving a baby a gun. Billy and Fugly Vanessa go tubing through a cave..boring. I’m starting to get the feeling that the threesome w/ the butterfly from last week is as far as these two are gonna go. Now Tom, “I think this relationship that Shannon and I share has grown larger than we expected it to when we first met.” Uhm genius, you’ve known each other a week and half, and she has a boyfriend even if he is the biggest loser in the free world...YOU DON’T HAVE A RELATIONSHIP!
Panzy getting a mudbath....still bitching and crying about how shitty his date is.
Now, Kaya and Dr. Stupid Whore go repelling down the cliffside. Kaya, in an interview, describes the date as “physically extremely challenging, emotionally taxing and I was pushed basically to the limit.” What the hell are you talking about? Do us all a favor and stop stealing your “material” off the bottom of motivational posters.
Moving on, the Miserable Cunt is trying to suck the life out of Dan-oh. They're on a nature walk.....weren’t you following along Dan-oh. this nature walk ##### is the kiss of death with this bitch, just ask Charlie, who likes to cook and Evan, who by the way is a really sweet guy who hasn’t been on a date yet. MC refuses to do anything fun, or even acknowledge dan-oh’s attempt at idle conversation in the van on the way back to the resort.
Back from more commercials, Panzy is talking. I’ll paraphrase.....Panzy is pissed that “Not Megan” won’t let loose and let him get some....he blames it on the presence of the cameras....gee, call me crazy, but maybe it has something to do with the fact that, just like every other girl on this show, “Not Megan” loathes you. When it becomes apparent that Panzy is going to get any, he scowls at “Not Megan” and asks her “Do you think you fulfilled my dream date?” She rolls her eyes and responds “You do have a girlfriend.” 10 year old Panzy storms out of her room making sure to leave her door wide open on his way out. “Not Megan” follows him to the door and closes it as she yells after him “What, did you grow up in a barn?” Then we hear in a voice over that it would have been nice if Panzy treated her like a lady.....if this guy EVER gets another date for the rest of his life, the woman who agrees to go out with him should be put to death for being so stupid. Andy the next day is still pissed and feels like “Not Megan” was obligated to sleep with him on the date since he did her the honor of selecting her. “I think I’ve been more than accommodating to make her feel as comfortable as possible and she hasn’t reciprocated the favor.” I’m ready to get on with it and go back.” Isn’t it ironic that NO ONE has tried harder to cheat on his/her significant other than Panzy, and EVERYONE has rejected him.
Scene of the Miserable Cunt and Dan-oh having dinner. She WON’T stop talking about Kaya....this girl is in serious denial as she assumes that Kaya won’t have sex with another girl...probably has more to do with him being confused than anything else. Then she starts crying of course. Then she runs back to the room where Dan-oh has to chase her down to get a hug...why even bother. Dan-oh collapses on the couch and places his finger in his mouth to simulate a gun and fakes pulling the trigger...hey buddy, I don’t blame you. You, Dan-oh are the true hero of this show....just for putting up with that miserable cunt for as long as you did.
Now back to Kaya who states, “When Alison and I were left alone it was kind of a strange moment” Gee, might’ve had something to do with the 3 person camera crew in your face...that’s really “alone”. Then he mistakes a tent for an alter, almost as priceless as last week when he thought a manta ray was a bird.
Back to Mandy the whore, who of course, is falling in love with John Doe. They hug and kiss and sit in a hammock waiting for the camera crew to go to bed so they can “get down, get down”. Billy and Vanessa in bed, and Billy admits to being a bed wetter when he was little...then he starts talking about how much he likes “Frosted Mini-Wheats” so you know that nothing is gonna happen there. So we go back to Mandy, who admits that she would love to whore it up with John Doe. They exchange sweet nothings in the hammock, and then they start kissing...and Mandy realizes that the show is almost over and she hasn’t’ offered her patented line so she jumps in with “Am I going to hell?” No hon, it’s even worse and its called “syndication”.
Scenes from next week. The only hilarious moment was the Miserable Cunt, who is the poster child for girls with absolutely NO self-esteem or self-respect. When asked how she would handle the news that Kaya cheated she responds “If he did do something and he feels complete regret, I could live with that.“ You are a complete disgrace to people, grow a fuccking spine. And then we see a shot of Kaya telling MC that “I have NO regrets for a single thing that I did here”. YEAH!!! I can’t wait to see her get “Heismaned” next week.
WORST SHOW EVER