If you're really worth a hundred million dollars, then give Pootie a loan! It helps prove you've got the cash, it does wonders for his life, it makes you look like a great guy in Tiffany's rapidly-glazing eyes -- basically, we're looking at a free pass good for at least four episodes. Talk about your obvious moves...

If you're really worth a hundred million dollars.

Meanwhile: not coming next season on VH1, The Flavor Of Bones. (Crunchy!) But he's going to have women lined up around the block waiting for a chance to talk to him, so he can probably look at this as a good experience. Escape from this travesty with a positive edit? Miracles happen.

Minor props to Tiffany for realizing (at least for a few seconds) that there are things more important than her, and stronger ones to Whiteboy for hanging on through that, plus some moderates to the men in the house who tried to comfort him. I wouldn't have blamed Whiteboy for walking out on the spot -- and I think that if the funeral hadn't taken place yet, he just might have.

Pootie. What can we possibly say about Pootie? How about 'I keep telling you people: do not go near Voldemort!' Imperio, anyone? 'Lose your mind. It'll be fun!' This is not a man with issues: this is a man with a full subscription and the special padded jacket free with his order. Major clue for anyone's life: if Tiffany thinks you're crazy, it may be time to seek help. Or start laughing. Either way.

Oh, and congratulations to 12-Pack, who is now the only contestant to ever play a reality show's drinking game while still on the show. 'Take a shot every time Tiffany and the universe are not on speaking terms.' Here's hoping those abs contain extra livers, or this man is going to die. Remember, he's getting the unedited version.

This is not my beautiful house. This is not my beautiful wife. And this sure as hell is not my credit report.