LAST EDITED ON 10-31-02 AT 04:30 PM (EST)
Meet the folks and frightening roommate
It's one of the scariest times of a relationship -- time to meet the parents of your significant other. As if it's not hard enough to meet one set of parents, our esteemed bachelor has to go through this grilling four times to narrow down the choice for his one and only.
First, we are off to Buffalo to meet Gwen (Jenni Garth's clone)and her family. First impression -- seem to be normal. Nobody would ever say that Gwen and her Mom do not resemble each other. Picture Gwen 20something years older, short hair and several added pounds. Then they sit down to dinner, and the questions begin shooting straight from the hip (literally) as Mom pulls out a neatly written list of questions on cutesy note paper and dissects Aaron. (side note: favorite question was "What makes you think he would make a desirable potential husband for their precious little baby. Aaron did not respond to that question. Does that mean he has nothing to offer, or he just didn't have enough time to think of a BS answer to suck up enough to the parents?) But the parents ended up liking Aaron. And Dad even says that he can picture Gwen walking down the aisle and marrying Aaron -- (Stop it Dad, I'm getting all misty now or is that tears from fighting so hard to keep from vomiting?)
Our lovely couple is off to Niagra Falls since Aaron has never been there before. At the Falls we get the requisite hand holding, making out, and speech of how they feel so connected to each other.
The next stop on the quest for love is the City of Brotherly Love (no, not that kind, I mean Philadelphia, silly). And we get to see Helene and her "fam-a-lee." Aaron immediately sweeps her off of her feet, again literally, and greets her with a hug by picking her up off the ground and a "hey good lookin'". She then takes him to a place that she used to picnic, etc, and they have a somewhat serious discussion. Helene is obviously being an attention whore and Aaron has to reassure her that she has a lot going for her. The girl showing how conceited she is can't even say thank you and accept a compliment. Instead she tells him that he's laying it on thick and that she just can't trust him yet (repeatedly, in a litle kid voice, like she's taunting or is that haunting him). This poor man has already been battered and abused on this hometown visit, and he hasn't even met the family yet, can we cut him a little slack, (oops where did that bit of sympathy come from?) Finally, we get to meet Mom, Dad, and brothers. The brothers are pretty rough on Aaron, but they think he handles himself well, and they end up joking around with them. He seems have an easier time with them than he does Helene. (Warning to Aaron: that is not a good sign for a relationship.) Helene then gives her spiel about how she likes Aaron more every time she sees him -- funny, I wouldn't have guessed that, but that's just me. And of course the mandatory spit swap seesion comes along with that statement.
Sweet Home Alabama
We are then off to visit Brooke, in Albertville, AL. Here we get to learn many interesting facts that Brooke's town is the fire hydrant capital of America, now that is something you can be very proud of, and will do you a lot of good the next time you play Trivial Pursuit. We also learn that for some reason, they like statues of larger than life cows along side the road. Brooke's mother tells us how she encouraged Brooke to call in and audition to be on the show, and how gorgeous she is and that she would make any man happy (really pageantMom, take a chill, and relax for a second) and how you can see the glow on Brooke's face (do you think she meant afterglow?)
The producers then must have had a discussion on how to make this family seem as redneck as possible, because the father, John David, and his brother ask Aaron about NASCAR racing. Aaron admits that he is not in to that. (Now, I am an admitted NASCAR fan, but I do not understand this next statement) The uncle then begins to compare NASCAR to fine wine, and once you taste fine wine you never go back, or some other nonsense (HUH???). Any minute, I am expecting them to light candles and have a moment of silence in honor of The Pettys and Earnhardts.
ABC producers to family: You are still not country/redneck enough, I know, let's discuss hunting and killing
John David and brother: Y'all got it, we reckon we can do that
Aaron is then put into the hot seat and told that they have another brother who is a Marine, likes to hunt and is a 3rd degree black belt in karate. Just remember Aaron, if you break Brooke's heart, and hurt their little princess, he will hunt you down and kill you. There is silence at the table for a minute and then the family begins to laugh, more than just a little sarcastically. (When Aaron left his seat, I wonder if there was a big wet spot under it.)
ABC producers to Mom and Dad: This is still not stereotypical southern enough, we need more
Mom & Dad: Okay, we'll show off the 'Bama room
When Aaron and Brooke arrive at the house, Dad takes Aaron to "God's Country". This is a monument to everything to do with the Crimson Tide of the University of Alabama. (I thought I was imagining things for a second, but it's true, the shelves in the room were shaped in to the letters B, A, M, and A)
ABC producers: Thank you, you finally succeeded in getting us the footage that we wanted to portray you as dumb hicks.
And of course, before Aaron heads out, we get the obligatory
kissing session. Now the vomit is even harder to keep down when Brooke shows Aaron what an Eskimo kiss is and rubs noses with him.
The fianl part of Aaron's trip is to Kansas City, where we meet Angela (a woman that ABC insists is on the show, but the viewers are not sure about this). In the limo ride to her house, Angela warns Aaron about her roommate, Summer. She says Summer looks normal, but is really not. The first thing we see in the house is the dog (raise your hand if you immediately thought of last season with Shannon and her dog, and how awful that was.) It turns out that Angela is not overly attentive to the dog, and that Aaron really should beware of Summer instead. She grills him and Angela harder than any parent usually does.
Anglea also mentions Summer has sabotaged some things, I wonder if she did talk to Shannon, hmmm. I think I hear how the conversation went:
Summer: Hello, Shannon
Shannon: Yes, how can I help you?
Summer: My roomate is on the Bachelor and bringing him to meet me, what can I do to ensure that she won't go any further with this? I want her to be as miserable and lonely as I am, because I can't stand anyone around me to be happy since I am not happy.
Shannon: Well, let's see, pay too much attention to the dog, and fawn over it, undermine the relationship, say how stupid this process is, make snide comments to the effect of why would he be interested in her, call him names such as superficial, etc. I think you will get rid of him. That's how I got rid of slimy Alex.
Summer: Thanks for your help, I'll pass this along to Angela's family also.
Shannon: Good luck
Finally they get out of the conversation from hell, and go to Angela's parents' home. They are not overly excited to have Aaron with them, and several times mention how Aaron is in banking and that would help Angela with her finances (they did a good job of sabotaging also, making her sound like a gold digger will usually work to get rid of the guy). The family really did not include Angela or Aaron too much in the conversations and just went on about their every day life. Aaron decides it's time to say good night, and hugs (yes, shudder, I said hugs) her good night. What has this show come to? How can Aaron go on a date with a girl and not make out with her? I thought that violated his contract. ABC will be looking in to that.
Aaron then gets to go back to LA and make his decisions. At the house, he get to watch videos from the bimb.. I mean, ladies. Gwen promises to get naked for him in the middle of the street(sorry Aaron, that's just you dreaming), and wants to make more memories with him. Angela and Helene's are nothing to mention. And Brooke subtly reminds Aaron of her uncle who will come after him and break his legs.
Decision time ... Aaron sighs deeply and begins talking:
blah, blah, blah ... didn't think this would be so hard ... more bs... blah,blah, blah ... let me suck up to the parents, and tell them how nice they are (Note to Aaron: sucking up to the parents will not work. If it doesn't work out with the final one, the others will not come back to you)... blah, blah, blah
First rose to Gwen: note to Gwen -- get a hair stylist, what was up with that mess of tangles and teased hair?
Next up is Helene: Girl, please wipe that ugly smirk off of your face. And the rolling of the eyes like you didn't expect to be picked and are relieved, is old, overdone, and definitely not cute on you.
Chris steps in "This is the final rose" -- Thanks Chris, I guess these women need some help counting to three, so he earned his money for the day helping them with their math.
Brooke is given the last rose. I guess the reminder of her uncle worked, and Aaron didn't want to find out if they were serious.
Poor Angela, the roommate's scheme worked perfectly. She takes the walk of shame with Aaron out of the house. Aaron trying to be polite says that he just didn't feel like he knew her as well, in other words, she would not make out with him, so he cut her. In her final interview, Angela says she wished she had been more relaxed around him. And that she's not used to affection, and people saying how they feel (after seeing her family, I can understand that. They hadn't seen her for a month or so, and they didn't even hug her or anything. Talk about being cold and standoffish). And that every night before she goes to bed she thinks about how she doesn't want to be a 40 and an old maid, and that she doesn't want to be the cold-hearted bi*ch that she sometimes thinks she is (Don't worry, you are not like Helene.) Honey, you actually seem like a nice girl, I mean come on, you were actually sweet to Christi, get some self-esteem and some confidence. And last but not least, dump the psycho roommate.