Survivor v22.1

Tooooot tooty tooooot >cymbal crash< >rimshot<

Is everyone ready for another season of blowhards, bumblers and Burnett? Or am I being redundant. Well who cares. Survivor is back in Nicaragua with Robby and Rusty. >toot< (no that is not a blast from the Death Star, although… )

Here we go with part three, chapter 22, paragraph 1 in Burnett’s Jungle Book Trilogy. This is not to be confused with Lucas’s Star Wars Trilogy regardless of the fact that they both have a Wookie on board.

In the Nicaraguan version of Air Force One we are swooped and banked over the Nicaraguan landscape enough to make you wish you’d ordered a double Dramaminetini, your hero and mine Jiffy, >toot< tells us we are going to just have to sit there, take it,like it and thank him for it for another 39 days, 18 daws and one dumba$$.

We’re treated to sound bites from a multi layered federal agent (most layers consisting of a really dense butter cream, Fabio v2.0 (Dumb is too a strategy!) and a redneck covered in moss or yak fur.
>I bet mosquitoes can’t get through that pelt, I bet he hasn’t had a sunburn since he was in grade school, I wonder if it works like an umbrella or is it absorbent enough to hold a day’s worth of water, he could lay down on the ground and nobody would see him. Just random thoughts, sorry.

By the way, if you just can’t take the time to read this long summary scoot on to this little gem Rolldice’s BTS but hurry back, I need the attention.

San Francesca is in awe at really being on Survivor, don’t worry dearie it’ll all be over soon.

But wait!!

It’s another chopper!

What could it be?? More Sears stuff? No just product placement from the Nicaraguans.

No way, yes way!

It’s none other then the Real Stars of Nicaragua fresh from Jiffy’s wet dream. It’s those two bad boys with the noise from most of those other seasons, the great and powerful BRob and that Hobbit from Heck Russhell cheers and mortification ensue. Jiffy say’s these two have been around since the volcano’s pushed the islands into existence.

The amateur contestants realize that they’ve just kissed their 15 minutes of fame or post-Survivor recognition bye-bye and Stephanie, the witless waif is gonna just stare Russhell into obedience. That’s right, you just watch! bwahaha poor noob, she’s scorched toast and I can’t wait for that massacre. Besides michel pointed out somewhere that the name Stephanie has a curse or something. Wiggly fingers @ michel

sidebar: Is there anyone out there who believes that that blind buff pick out of Jiffy’s lunch bag wasn’t rigged? Anyone? >>crickets<< Exactly.

They all hug and sing Kum By Ya , Jiffy points them the right direction (you guys follow the orange line and you guys follow the purple line) and off they go to find their camps. Much love, construction and product placement ensues.

Hey, let’s play a game. Which one do you think is the real Agent?

On with the rest of the stuff that happened at Okeydokey and Zabadabado:

Kristina decides to poke around the sewing kit and sew a big target on her back; BRob will assist her since she’s new.

San Francesca whines and tries to get her NaOnka on. Fail.

Note to future contestants: Never leave base camp without several layers of unmentionables preferably ones with some elastic left, I’m talking to you Captain Underpants. shudder. This is the second time I’ve had to remind Survivor players of this. Get with it people.

Hey who was the contestant that actually did that, Todd in China? Michel will know.

Note to production: New suggestion for buffs

Russhell’s confessional is a non-veiled death threat of beheading to anyone that sends him to Green Stamp Redemption Island! I bet he scared you too

Russhell’s here to win folks, apparently he wasn’t those other times. He’s not going to mess with your sox or pharmaceutical stash. Get your waders on folks this Russhell is all grown up and back for his title. OMG, what if the real Russhell is really reading this right now, like IRL? OMGOMGOMG, just kidding Mr. Hantz. You da man, my real name is tribephyl. Wiggly fingers @ Sir Tribe

Happy music over at OkeyDokey and Matt (the blond non surfer) grills BRob until he breaks him and forces him to admit actually being from Boston. Clever, very very clever. I guess playing dumb is now a valid strategy. Thanks a lot Fabio v1.0.

Much paranoia ensues with Captain Underpants (the former federal agent?) and Ms. Hidden Immunity Idol discussing some major strategy while over at Zabadabado Russhell stalks another girl with an “i” at the end of her name to be his Hantz puppet. He’s playing different how again?

It’s Challenge time (toot-toot) “Come on in guys,” yells Jiffy, as if they are shy or something.

Everyone is playing for immunity since we jumpstarted you with tools, booze, futons and a gift card from Ikea. You have to push blocks, chop ropes, build a puzzle and win a statue (available from Sears spring catalogue) and some flint. Zabadabado beats the baggy briefs off the Chokeydokey tribe and we’re supposed to worry for BRob’s longevity in the game. Oh no!

Random thought: Does anyone think that if BRob gets sent to Radon Island his duels will consist of trivia questions like:

What is Amber’s middle name?
What is Amber’s favorite color?
What is Amber’s mother’s name?

You know, really hard questions like that?

There are more stealthy moves from Ms. Hidden Immunity Idol, San Francesca and Eliot Ness. Kristina cleverly asked BRob who they should vote off. Thus cluing him in, yup that’s the way to sneak one by Boston Rob. Rooster ain’t the only dumba$$ on this island.

BRob figures out what’s what and tries to explain to the newbies how to vote so he doesn’t get screwed again. Explaining s l o w l y for them but the blond non surfer guy is still trying to catch up. Over at Zabadabado we find out that Captain Underpants is hyper aroused and Kristina is gonna show him something. boom chuka bow bow

She explains that she’s got the HII, tries to school the federal spaz on what the HII really means according to her it means that their 3 votes out cancels out all the other 6 votes. It’s a magic HII I just knew it

Mayhem at Tribal Council

“Fire means barbeque life!” says Jiffy. BRob proceeds to breaks a land speed record making Phillip look like a legend in his own mind the camp leader. (Strike 1) Kristina babbles about how she is prepared to go home (see I have my bag and idol right here) and BRob nods knowingly. (Strike 2)

San Francesca wants to let BRob know that he’s not getting voted off which ignites Phil’s bloomers and we’re off to the races.

“Point of order!” shouts Phil, “They lied to me Francheesepuff, Fran>gak<queso. Gak , I’m under a doctors care for my mouth! Krustini, Karrot-top, she’s got an idol.” San Francesca dodges and parries, Kristina grabs her jaw off the floor and tries to stop the tidal wave she’s about to be flattened by. BRob gallantly offers to remove the offending object from her possession. (Strike 3)

Kristina will have none of that since she’s discovered that the HII means 3 more days not 3 votes. Forehead slap. Further scrambling until Kristina begins to feel the wheels on the bus go round and round.

BRob is thanking the Survivor gods for amateurs. Voting ensues, San Francesca heads for the Isle of the Damned and all is right with the world.

Next week: The Hobbit and the Wookie square off. Captain Underpants catches crabs and San Francesca gets Lost.

Thank you for reading, hope you enjoyed the summary. Fade to black………

I love a Tribe siggie