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"Be The Survivor: S22 Ep01: 'Rob, Russell and Special Agent Ritalin'"
RollDdice 5399 desperate attention whore postings
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02-17-11, 06:01 AM (EST)
 
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"Be The Survivor: S22 Ep01: 'Rob, Russell and Special Agent Ritalin'" |
LAST EDITED ON 02-17-11 AT 12:56 PM (EST)I Love The Smell Of Ratings In The Morning - Jealousy wears Camo Green this week as our intrepid host Jeff Probst does his best Anderson Cooper impression. The only problem is that he’s walking through a war-torn Nicaraguan helicopter, fresh from the Bilwascarma Hertz helicopter rental desk. The contestants have been pre-Tribed and sit on benches, wearing identical “what the hell have I gotten myself into…?” expressions. As we see the daring Jiffy dangling his legs out of the back of the chopper, we segue into one of the longest main title sequences ever. Are there fifty contestants this time around, or does it just seem like standing room only? Are You Ready For Your Mystery Date? - Once everyone’s standing on their mats waiting for their juice boxes, a smaller helicopter arrives with some human leftovers. Boston Rob and Russell roll out, greeted by cheers for Rob and “Oh, no’s” for one of the sorest losers ever to play the game of Survivor. Jiffy explains that between them, Rob and Russell have 156 days of Survivor experience and short of your humble Executive Producer Mark Burnett producing “Dancing With The Celebrity Survivors As They Go On An Amazing Race And Become Biggest Losers On Their Way To Project Runway” this is the best shot we have at beating American Idol. The two tribes are the Omelet tribe who are mostly egg shaped, and the Zapaterias who, unlike last season’s Dan, thought ahead and packed sensible shoes. Rob goes to the Egg People, while Russell stands next to the Shoe Crew. Jiffy goes on to explain the concept behind Recycle Island. Basically, even if someone is voted out, they’ll have the opportunity to “duel” with the next cast-off for the opportunity to return. No word yet on whether they take the SAT to stay in or if it’s a simple Gladiator battle to the death. (We’re still reviewing the focus group data, but it’s leaning toward blood in the sand. Yay!) Painful Product Tie-Ins Parts 1, 2 and 3 – Jiffy teasing the rules of Redemption Island push us quite naturally into the SPRINT sponsored “Woulda, Coulda, Shoulda…. What if?” spots. They featured Shambo, Brenda and Erik and by the time most people saw all three, the only remaining question was, “What would it cost me to switch to T-Mobile?” Bad Boys, Bad Boys - Over at Zapateria, Russ confessionalizes that during his first two Survivor appearances that he was a “schoolboy” and that on this one, he’s “bringing it.” While Russell was chest-thumping, farmer Ralph “Steel Wool” “Rooster”* Kiser {see Nickname Rule below} swung by the hardware store and grabbed some nails, hatchets, twine, shovels and a blender, conveniently arranged in a wooden box marked “Craftsman” on the side. Meanwhile at the Incredible Edible Omelet, Matt is man-crushing on Rob and calls their living situation “Camp Harmony”. Professional Dancer Natalie says that Rob is “amazing”. That’s high praise for her to heap on any man who isn’t actively putting singles into her G-string. The only crazy, one-winged fly in the ointment seems to be Phillip, the former Federal Agent who is annoying everyone within earshot. During Phillip’s confessional, he compares himself and Rob to lions who are sizing each other up for leadership of the pack. His roar doesn’t qualify him for an off-off-off-Broadway production of The Lion King, but it does allow us the opportunity to see his lower third reads “Former Federal Agent?” Question mark? Wouldn't one phone call have cleared up this pesky question? I certainly know we’ve had some casting problems in the past, but we should at least try to weed out some of the more obvious psychos. Odds are that even if he hasn’t recently escaped from a mental institution and has actually worked for our government, Mr. Phelps is disavowing any knowledge of his actions. Walk Of Shame – Russell asks Stephanie to go check for tree mail with him. After passing Russell’s “can you remember every strategic move I’ve ever made” quiz, Russell says that they should form an alliance.
Russell mentions that if they’re in an alliance together that they should keep their distance so they don’t arouse the suspicions of the others. Winner! Stephanie can’t say “yes” fast enough.
Stephanie confessionalizes that she was using her best prom date moves, but she seems too young to have seen the movie Carrie. Russell is buttered up on both sides, but back at camp, Mike mutters, “Any advantages of having Russell around have quickly evaporated.” Survivor On Fifty Neuroses A Day – Kristina floats the idea of voting Rob out to Phillip in the hopes of forming a voting block. She closes with a simple, “Don’t tell anyone” and is met with medley of “corroboration”, “I’m a process person,” and my new personal favorite, “You have to pipe that.” Paging the Prop Department: We need a hand truck with ATV sand tires. We may have to do a Hannibal Lecter on Phillip. IC: Can’t We Just Go To A Reform Temple? – The Immunity Challenge involves pushing four heavy blocks to form the base of a temple, climbing up them to the next platform and chopping ropes to release more stairs. At the top of the stairs is . . . you guessed it . . . a puzzle. Zapateria, with the superior strength jumps out first, but Omelet, under the leadership of Rob, manages to catch up. It’s close, but Russell’s Zapateria gets the last puzzle piece in place and wins the Immunity Challenge. You’ve Got To Break A Few Eggs - Omelet’s Kristina has found the Hidden Immunity Idol (and a half page of Operating Instructions.) She shares the information with Francesca and her desire to use the HII to vote out Rob. Kristina even goes so far as to show the HII to Phillip in order to secure his vote. While she’s hatching her plot, Rob has booked the famous conference room early and gathered everyone else. He wants to split the votes to force Kristina to use the HII. He has some silly rule about everyone understanding how they’re supposed to vote and then voting that way. Hah! No wonder he hasn’t won this thing. Meanwhile, Phillip is in a “hyper state of arousal”. You’ve been warned. New Patient Intake (AKA: Tribal Council) - The meltdowns continue. Under Jiffy’s laser-like probing, Phillip is cast as the leader and Kristina is called out for wanting to vote out Rob. Inexplicably, Phillip throws Kristina and Fransequa, Fransesa, Fransqueska, San Francisco under the bus. He blames his mispronunciation of her name on ‘dry mouth’, but “I’ve been getting treatment for that.” So it appears that there’s not only a hardware store with Craftsman tools in the area, but also a Pharmacy. Wait a minute . . . is this Survivor or Cityville? Votes are cast and Francesca is sent to Recycle Island. She leaves with a cheerful, “Bye you guys. Don’t trust Phillip.” That’s a better parting thought than Jerry Springer ever laid on his audience. Next week on Survivor:
Rooster out-crazies Russell. Phillip catches crabs and Francesca duels it out on Recycle Island. * The Nickname Rule is in effect. There are no “Superhero nickname” exemptions.
Mark "I'm not responsible when their meds run out" BurnettETF: syntax and meaning
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Scarlett O Hara 2993 desperate attention whore postings
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02-19-11, 09:45 AM (EST)
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33. "RE: Be The Survivor: S22 Ep01: 'Rob, Russell and Special Agent Ritalin'" |
Your'e all amateurs I tell you! Just as long as you can do what your told, we'll all get along just fine. Don't know if you noticed, but I have learned from my past mistakes! I put on the pounds preshow for a reason -- I won't have to eat this island crap any more, so don't expect to see me vomitin' in the bush this season! I'm packin' enough beef to last me at least six weeks ... or until the first reward challenge feast! Just don't know how my quickness will be effected with all this extra baggage ... I've also honed my observation skills and Kristina -- YOU are not to be trusted! I saw you ravaging through that Craftsman tool kit lookin' for the idol! You got nuttin' on the Rawbfadda baby. You'll be sleeping with the fish, Francesca within the fortnight. I knew those two girls were trouble the moment I saw 'em and if you go against the Robfadda, you got real trouble! Phillip, my man, I told you we needed to stick together. Glad you finally decided to join the right team at Tribal Council. Now if only we could get your lunacy to work for us, you might have a shot at stayin' in the game. For the rest of my crew, you just listen to ole Greased Lightnin' and we'll live happily ever after at Camp Harmony just like the Happy Chappys! And Natalie, yes, that is a hammer in my pocket. Why don't you reach down and get it?
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suzzee 2804 desperate attention whore postings
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02-17-11, 11:15 AM (EST)
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3. "RE: Be The Survivor: S22 Ep01: 'Rob, Russell and Special Agent Ritalin'" |
I wanted to pour disinfectant in my ears after hearing "Phillip is in a “hyper state of arousal”....and I'm supposed to come up with a Basher Summary this week? I should just post a link here.... Too funny RD.
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suzzee 2804 desperate attention whore postings
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02-17-11, 11:21 AM (EST)
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4. "Kristina says...." |
Some Federal Agent. Telephone, telegraph, tellaphillip. Nitwit-outplayed-relapse So my two alliance partners threw me under the Redemption Express. I want to go home. 
Picking great alliances since Episode 1!
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RollDdice 5399 desperate attention whore postings
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02-20-11, 05:00 PM (EST)
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40. "RE: The Island speaks:" |
Great to see the Roving Reporters here.Frankly, I see Phillip as more of a FBI agent Barney Coopersmith type. But, uhhh ... coffee with no cream. 
Mark "T-Bone" Burnett
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kingfish 12123 desperate attention whore postings
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02-17-11, 03:14 PM (EST)
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10. "RE: Be The Survivor: S22 Ep01: 'Rob, Russell and Special Agent Ritalin'" |
LAST EDITED ON 02-17-11 AT 03:42 PM (EST)
Friends and fellow spoilers , it is I again. And, although I am a straight man, I am dodging the US Marshals Office (they have a subpoena for me) so I once again I have to disguise myself as MissyPissy, a trisexual 18YO nymphet. I am writing, naked, skin dewy from ocean spray and a heavy application of coconut oil, in full view of the beach road down below, on the sundeck of my penthouse apartment overlooking an ocean which cannot be named right now due to security concerns. However if I were to look Northwest, and could see several thousand miles, I would be able to see Russia.
For those of you who read last week’s MissyPissy spoilering and might have been concerned about the Feds catching onto my disguise, you should be reassured. If they are all like Phillip, well, dude can’t even find his pants. And I bring you glad tidings of a spoilering nature. I have it on good authority that Mike’s man crush deepens, and he will be caught by the night shift camera man running his fingers thru the impressive pelt of a slumbering Rooster (aka *Steel Wool). Also, Rooster will decide to go sin ropa (ala Richard Hatch), and no one will notice, although they will ask him why he decided to wear fur overalls in Nicaragua. Fortunately for them, they haven’t a clue. And fortunately for him, the monkeys haven’t noticed him yet. On to Spoilering: Clue #1 – Blurring. There will be blurring. This week there will be asscrack blurring, and my source hints at a possible "nip" blur as well. Unfortunately, there is also a possibility of a Phillip "tip" blur, so be prepared for an involuntary gag reflex. Clue #2 – Reward Challenge. There will be two teams involved and they will struggle mightily against each other, one team will edge out the other and earn a reward for their camp. Clue #3 – Rob and Russell will be featured. Russell’s baby fat will still be evident, and he will talk about his bitches and how he’s going to run them. Rob will be featured running his mouth, and no one will steal his Boston Red Sox cap. Are there no Yankee fans with balls this year, you ask? The source says no. Neither is there anyone with the snap to realize what that cap would being on EBay. Clue #4 - On Redemption Island, Francesca (or Fracksa as it’s listed in the local FBI files. Actually, that’s the phonetic spelling, the actual pronunciation contains consonants that have no representation in the English or French languages) will be digging punji pits and setting dead man traps in anticipation of her upcoming duel. The next evictee should also be anticipating a thin neck high wire stretched across the entrance to the Island. She will develop a training program that will involve bayonet dummies named Phillip. Clue #5 - Phillip will attempt to talk coconuts out of palm trees, citing his expertise in coconut profiling. He however will be frustrated by the constant interruptions from the Howler monkeys. Even the monkeys are rolling on the floor laughing their asses off at this dude. For those of you who might have been afraid that someone would steal his briefs, never fear, it will be safe to watch this episode. Finally, concerning Phillip. It will be revealed that as part of his preparation for Survivor, Phillip attended a strategy and sanity refresher course given by Coach. In his own private Idaho. Clue #6 – Steve will still be searching for his helmet. (week three sneak peek – There will be Yeti and Sasquatch references) Until next week (and if the Feds are all as clueless as Phillip I’m pretty sure I’ll be here), this is your not-Russell inside source wishing all a Good Spoil!
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Spanky68 8052 desperate attention whore postings
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02-17-11, 05:31 PM (EST)
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14. "Where are the little red lights?" |
Um...excuse me...
***Tosses hair over shoulder carelessly***
...excuse me... I can't find a camera man.
Where are the camera men? I was told that I would get lots of time to be on camera. Was I even IN this episode? Hello? Anyone? 
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kingfish 12123 desperate attention whore postings
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02-18-11, 10:39 AM (EST)
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24. "RE: Be The Survivor: S22 Ep01: 'Rob, Russell and Special Agent Ritalin'" |
LAST EDITED ON 02-18-11 AT 01:22 PM (EST)UPDATE! My source (definitely not-Russell) tells me that Jeff P. will question Rooster about how, with a full body of hair to choose from, how did he manage to find the only two spots (his cheeks)to shave that would actually make him seem goofier. And he coins the term Goofy Savant.
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Molaholic 7050 desperate attention whore postings
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02-19-11, 10:38 PM (EST)
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37. "RE: Be The Survivor: S22 Ep01: 'Rob, Russell and Special Agent Ritalin'" |
Maybe I missed the Pre-Boot Production meeting, but wasn't it planned that this first TC would be the calm before the storm? We were going to have a little drama, but for the most part it would be Jiffy talking about the new and improved Exile Death Match 2011 Redemption Island (soon to be seen with our secondary host, Julie Chen).So what do I get -- my buddy HII getting outed, and some Fed* spewing more crap than the facilities at the RNC. In the end, I get my first taste of Phrnychsa. No doubt there will be more to follow. 
Tribe’s double duty 2011*Notice that Fillup didn't say that he was a U.S. former Fed. Maybe he's from someplace else -- perhaps he's a Secret Agent man from Ming the Merciless. Or possibly one of those guys from THRUSH. Who knows, maybe his red underoos are really a coded message to their allies at KAOS.
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kingfish 12123 desperate attention whore postings
DAW Level: "Playboy Centerfold"
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02-20-11, 10:49 AM (EST)
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38. "RE: Be The Survivor: S22 Ep01: 'Rob, Russell and Special Agent Ritalin'" |
LAST EDITED ON 02-20-11 AT 07:43 PM (EST)Hear ye hear ye! 'Nother piece of spoiled Survivor! I woke up this morning and padded out to the hallway to fetch my USA Today, and found a note from my inside (* Not-Russell) source. And as your dedicated servant, I will pass it on. "The reward challenge this week is a "Country Square Dance-off". It will be dedicated to Jane, the Survivor AARP union rep. After Rooster gets help from an obviously crushing Mike with his bib coverall zipper, he manages to stomp out a fine 'Dosie Doe, he found his partner, and promenaded him home'" (Ed note - code). "Steve will annoy the heck out of Russell by continually audibling the play then asking for a hike." (Ed note - Obviously code, right?) "Robfadda will be caught (again by an alert night shift cameraman) whispering into Kristina's ear "Your fadda wants some HI, your fadda wants some HI" long into the night" (Ed note - ah, nevermind) "Francesca will stumble upon a bazooka left over from the Sandinista rebellion and will carefully etch "Phillip is a dork and he must die!" with coconut acid on it before attaching a trip wire stretched to the entrance to the island." "The charming and talented Natalie will show some crack. But it's not what you think. She managed to smuggle a small stash past inspectors in her ***** uh, er, her underwear!" (Ed note - Think about what that would fetch on EBay! I'm starting the bidding at $50!) ETA - After reading the above spoiler, I realize that mentioning the crack in Natalie's underwear might be misconstrued. Therefore I will not refer to the crack in Natalie's pants again, even if given a spoiler that refers to it. The crack in Natalie's pants is therefore definitely off limits from here on out. No doubt there are some that will giggle uncontrollably with the subject of Natalie's crack comes up, but that is unseemly and they should just grow up and stop thinking about Natalie's crack. If I can stop thinking about Natalie's crack, then everyone else should stop thinking about Natalie's crack. (* Legal disclaimer).
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kingfish 12123 desperate attention whore postings
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02-22-11, 11:35 AM (EST)
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48. "RE: Ahem." |
LAST EDITED ON 02-22-11 AT 11:39 AM (EST)This Just In! *Not-Russell tells me Sarita had some great crack in her underwear too. She and Natalie and the night shift camera man (there really ought to be a "Be the Night Shift Cameraman") were caught having an underwear crack party. It was hushed up, of course, but you can believe this spoiler because it comes from me and *Not-Russell. (* legal disclaimer. Those pesky marshals should actually read these disclaimers before they try serving those malicious lying subpoenas, dang it!)
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suzzee 2804 desperate attention whore postings
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02-21-11, 09:07 AM (EST)
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42. "The island speaks....again. " |
Francheesepuff finds me easily because they dropped her at the beach and told her "This is the island. Follow the yellow line to the fuchsia line until you get to the camera crew your camp.Gah! I haven't heard so much whining since I hosted that bunch from Oceanic Airways. 
Hey! Who moved the island?
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kingfish 12123 desperate attention whore postings
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02-22-11, 12:08 PM (EST)
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49. "RE: The island speaks....again. " |
Since we don't have a "Be the cute native doctor", my *Not-Russell source on the medical team provided a description of the scene on the beach that morning after. "It was like nothing I'd ever seen before! Oh the Humanity! The tide ran red with BBQ sauce (the vinegary kind), the palm trees were slathered in red, and the natives...if you can call them that,,,they were lying, strewn about like leaves scattered in a Autumn breeze, gorged on Little Smokies and hush puppies (Francesca can deep fry an mean hush puppy). Even the land crabs were full." One native survivor that was conscious enough to be interviewed had this to say. "The dipping sauce for the Little Smokies had a rather piquant flavor, not quite as spicy as I like, but still rather robust and full of a hickory smoke flavor reminiscent of some I had once at a road side stand in Georgia. Overall, three thumbs up."
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suzzee 2804 desperate attention whore postings
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02-23-11, 11:18 AM (EST)
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61. "mmmmmm weenies...." |
gaarrgrglgrrr...........  Hey! I though size didn't matter.
Hey! Who moved the island?
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kingfish 12123 desperate attention whore postings
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02-22-11, 04:18 PM (EST)
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52. ""ATTENTION ALL BE THE FANS!!!" |
LAST EDITED ON 02-22-11 AT 04:21 PM (EST)Go vote in Dabo's "Time to Vote" thread in spoilers. Vote early and vote often. But most importantly, attribute your vote to "Because MissyPissy, Sourced Spoiler to the Stars, says!" Vote for whomever you like, but say it's becasue I said so. This is very important to me. My subscription list is pretty meager right now, and I need to boost readership. Please. Do it for the Kingfish, do it for MissyPissy, and most of all, do it for God and country. It doesn't matter which God, or which country. Just do it! You know in your hearts that this is the right thing to do. Thank you.
Tribal Art
(This is national "Be the hammiest DAW you can be!" day, right?)
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kingfish 12123 desperate attention whore postings
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02-22-11, 06:46 PM (EST)
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54. "RE: That's MISSY PissyTYVM" |
Dabo's right folks, it is illegal to vote often. So don't (wink wink) do that.It is especially wrong to vote more than 20 or 30 times, that becomes a little obvious, and frankly, we have enough lawsuits as it is. It also seems to be frowned upon to cut and paste {start cut/paste here:} Because MissyPissy, Sourced Spoiler to the Stars said so! {End Cut/paste here.} into the message part of your vote post. Wink wink (get it? Wink wink? Which means do it anyway? Don't let me down now).
Tribal Art
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p l a c e h o l d e r t e x t g o e s h e r e - p l a c e h o l d e r t e x t g o e s h e r e - p l a c e h o l d e r t e x t g o e s h e r e -
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p l a c e h o l d e r t e x t g o e s h e r e - p l a c e h o l d e r t e x t g o e s h e r e - p l a c e h o l d e r t e x t g o e s h e r e -
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