Previously on Surreal Life:

The Surreal Life cast members are going to screen test their own talk show pilots. The audience will judge which show is best and the winner will get to host the SL finale show. Each Q-list cast member was supplied with a list of local bumpkin celebrities to interview for their shows.

Sherman can’t get hold of Marla Gibbs and has to resort to the Surreal Life guest list.
Alexis, yet again rejected by family and friends, runs out of human guest possibilities and has to resort to interviewing a Muppet
Tawny mistakes Florence Henderson for her ex-husband Chuck Finley and promises to slap her if she refuses to answer her hard-hitting questions.

The whole cast is nervous backstage as they await their talk-show screen test. Who wouldn’t be, after all, they all lack the Oprah-esque talent to pull this off.

Now, you may ask how the audience will be able to judge each pilot from the comatose state they will all be in. Each audience member is wired with 120 volts delivered through standard automotive jumper cables. The Positive leads of the cables are attached to bolts that were surgically implanted into the necks of the audience members. The negative leads are attached to the iron shackles on their ankles that prevent them from leaving the SL Motel. In their hands are small control units. The audience was told that the only way to eliminate the pain of watching the train-wreck test pilots is to self-electrocute. Turn the dial to the right to increase the mind-numbing voltage and turn the dial to the left to decrease the voltage. Immediately upon receipt of the devices by the audience, Southern California experienced one of the largest electrical brownouts in the history of the state.

Show Me What You Got! hosted by Steve Harwin with Mavin, aka. “Mr. Mocha” as his Kevin Eubanks

Awkward Silence Moment #1

Steve: How many single ladies in the audience tonight?
Audience: Silence
Steve to Mavin: Well it looks like you’re masturbating tonight.

They bring out their guest, Bingo the Bearcat. No folks, it’s not a bear and it’s not a cat. It’s a Monkey. Go figure! “Show Me The Monkey!” The Monkey crawls around the stage and the Audience turns up the voltage.

Welcome to the Future hosted by Sherman Hemsley wearing a large Afro wig.

Sherman does a little song and dance.

Sherman’s guest is none other than Paul Miller. Yes! That! Paul Miller. Paul Miller? You know, the Paul Miller who has been growing his mustache for over 30 years. Can it get any better than this? Can it? Hey, pass me a voltmeter cuz I’m ready to fry!

Wait, hold on, what’s this? In barges Marla Gibbs, peeved that Sherman would even think about having another guest. Sherman tells her that she missed the deadline. She informs him that she “don’t care “ about his deadline and She’s His Guest! She snatches the Afro wig from his head and walks out of the soundstage. Voltmeter ratings let us know that Sherman’s show was semi-entertaining, in a “Wha choo talking bout Willis” kinda way.

Too Much Information hosted by Andrea Lowell
Andrea comes out on stage all bouncy and perky. She notices that the audience for the most part is made of women; therefore, they’ll probably hate her because she’s so beautiful and she was in Playboy and therefore she’ll get low ratings. What? Women don’t like perky Playboy bunnies bouncing their goodies on stage? Well, That! Revelation just killed all my fantasies. I thought this was going to end up in one big tickle fight with everyone in his or her undies.

After a lame Vagisil joke, and an increase in audience voltage, Andrea introduces her guest, the famous adult film star, Bridgette the Midget. Andrea lets Bridgette know that Sherman Hemsley told her every man’s fantasy is to be with a Midget. They are small and can be thrown around easily.

Camera cut to backstage where Sherman is giggling like a schoolgirl. Steve gives him the whole surprised “Sherman? Every man?” And Sherman changes his comment from every man to “Well, a lot of them”. **Evil Glares from Flo and Jealous Looks from Tawny**

Apparently Bridgett has the reputation for doing gross stuff in her profession. She can hard-boil an egg in her loins, or thereabouts. Once she was a stunt butt for an actress with an aversion to hardboiled eggs. Bridgett was more than happy to hard-boil them in her nether regions.

**Evil Glare from Flo**

Well time is up. How can an aging porn star end the interview with class? Flash us some tattooed midget oobies. (Sorry this is where I briefly lost consciousness and nearly drowned in a pool of my own vomit as I thanked the inventor of the pixelator.)

Flo, upon her high horse lets us know that Andrea was trying to bring a raunchy side to the stage and she thought it was vulgar. All right Flo, quit the act, we all know what you’re really like, or we soon will when Tawny gets done with you!

CC is a nervous wreck and isn’t used to doing this kind of thing sober.

Next up “Cooking With Cecil” with your host, CC Deville.

CC performs like a natural and introduces his guest Johnny J Hupman. A 90-year-old body builder? Johnny is in trouble; he forgot to wear his gympants. Don’t gasp, he’s sportin his white Pat Boone slacks with his red wife-beater.

Alexis backstage questions why they let CC show Scrotum on stage, until she realizes that its only Johnny’s face.

Apparently, Johnny suffers from CRS – Can’t Remember Sh!t Syndrome. The audience loves this guy. CC gets Johnny to take off his shirt and pose for the ladies. I didn’t know the California Dried Plum Association had a spokesman. He next shows off his machismo by doing pull-ups for us. Ever see a dried plum do a pull up? Very impressive. Overall, the audience loved the show, which is a good thing. They now have a surplus of electricity built up in their voltmeters which they will desperately crave in a few minutes.

Next up we have “This Is My Show” starring Alexis Arquette.

Backstage, Marla Gibbs must have asked Sherman WTF that was on stage and Sherman explains that he/she /it is David Arquette’s brother/sister/pet rock.

Awkward Silence Moment # 2

Out he/she/it walks. Opening monologue bombs and the audience looks bewildered. Not since Anne Ramsey got thrown from the train have they witnessed such rare beauty. They all rub their eyes because clearly someone has covered them in a thin film of gauze, which casts an angelic haze over Alexis. The gauze is removed and the voltage starts flowing.

Well moving right along, Alexis introduces her guest, Pepe, the King Prawn. Okay, what is this? The Muppet Show? Here’s this supposedly prawn Muppet, speaking with a gruff Spanish-American accent. First up, an audience question, cuz the audience surly has a question of the Muppet? Dead silence from the audience. So quiet you can hear the electricity flowing through the voltmeters into their brains. Alexis is sure that someone must have a question so she decides to go into the audience and force them to ask questions. That should work. She approaches a guy, shoves the microphone in his face and asks him what he’d like to ask Pepe. He’s got nothing. This is going to be a hit folks. What’s that smell? Is someone cooking? Nope it’s just the smell of brain cells being fried.

We do find out that Pepe likes queens and Alexis has had crabs so all is good in the world.

Offstage, Alexis realizes that her biggest mistake was not pre-interviewing the audience. That is just what I was thinking. Right Alexis! THAT! was your biggest mistake. CC believes that the audience may have had a slight case of homophobia. I think they all need glasses cuz they must have missed the prawn Muppet fiasco somewhere.

Finally, “Throwing Down” with Tawny Kitaen.

Tawny is a big sports fan. Bad Joke #1. It’s amazing that the best golfer in the world is a black man. What’s next?, an Asian winning the Indy 500? Groans from the audience.

Tawny confesses that she was accused of beating up her ex-husband with a $60 pair of high-heeled hooker shoes. {What? Tawny?, the poster child for all that is pure and wholesome, once owned hooker shoes?) Yup, well just to let you in on a secret, she tells us that if she was going to kick some man’s a$$ its going to be with a $700 pair of (OK, not female here and have no idea what kind of shoes she referred to, Minola Bulonics?). At least the audience knew what she said and they loved it.

That leads us to her guest, Florence Henderson who doesn’t even have a shoe collection worth $60. (Moans from Backstage, this is going to get rough)

Starting off Tawny tells Flo that she’s read her Bio and the DaVinci Code was a thinner and easier read cuz she’s done so many things, even back to age 2. Flo explains that her Mother says that age 2…..Tawny cuts her off to tell her that she’s met her mother and she’s sorry but her mother is such a huge liar.

Groans of disapproval from the audience. Backstage, the cast is horrified. Andrea however has a huge smile on her face.

Tawny tells Flo that instead of six kids on the Brady Bunch she really had five kids and one boyfriend.

Groans/Boo’s from the Audience.

F: That is Soooo Old.
T: Explain your willingness to hook up with a cast mate, like, whatever his name was?
F: I don’t, I don’t know what….
T: Hook Up, (hand gestures illustrating boinking)
F: That means nothing to me..I don’t speak sign language
T: You know what? It is so fun interviewing a virgin…
F: But see you are assuming something…
T: I’m a talk-show host, I have to assume..
F: No you don’t, you must know your facts when you are a talk show host…
T: Which leads me to my next Freakin question…
F: I don’t think I answered the last one did I?

Chuckles from the audience.

F: Okay, let’s go.
T: Sometimes, you can be a royal pain in the a$$…

Boos from the audience

T: See people, you’re looking at the Brady mom, I’m looking at Florence, and she can be a little pushy.
T directly to Flo: I just wanted to tell you that in case you didn’t know.

Music plays and Flo starts dancing in her seat.

Backstage, Andrea tells Tawny that the audience didn’t like the Florence Bashing. Tawny doesn’t give a F**k cuz she’s a F**ckin human being. Andrea is happy that Flo was put on the spot for once, even though it didn’t go the way Tawny planned it.

Steve tries to talk to Tawny but she calls him a Mrs. Brady lover and walks off.

CC consoles Flo and tells her that he’s sure she’s been called a lot worse by a lot better than Tawny. Nope, Flo has never been called worse. Never!

Steve, Mavin and CC remark about how Flo didn’t break her cool at all during the interview.

Tawny heads off to the bathroom to get ready to fake an illness so people will pity her.
She comes out whining like a little baby that her nose hurts her soooo bad. Yeah? Well stop snorting coke in the bathroom and you won’t have that problem!

The winner of this whole disaster is……..Cooking with Cecil!

Tawny continues to rub her nose cuz it’s burning so bad. Steve suggests she takes Flo-naise. ROTFLMA Flo-Naise.

Tawny goes to bed cuz she’s burning so bad.

Next Time on SL its battle of the bands, and guess who is the producer? Yup, Tawny. Get ready for the drama.