***Completely Unofficial (But I Couldn’t Resist) Project Runway Summary - Episode 3: I’m Going to Style You, My Pretty, and Your Little Dog Too!***

Be warned: Not every aspect of the show is reported accurately. Artistic license is a terrible thing to waste.

Previously on Project Runway: Stacy was released to continue her tour of Ivy League grad programs when her shower curtain dress didn’t wash with the judges, while Keith’s non-innovative IKEA sheet dress won the Innovation Challenge. Then Malan was deported when he tried to demote Miss USA to Miss Hershey, PA, while Kayne’s glamazon gown was chosen for viewing on the universal stage.

It’s early the next morning and the designers are reflecting on the last challenge. Kayne assures the faithful viewer that he won’t send a pile of poo down the runway now that he has immunity, and Katherine is sad that Malan is gone for sending a pile of poo down the runway. At 6:00 a.m., a note is shoved under the doors of the Atlas apartments informing all that they are to meet Tim somewhere along Central Park West to get details of their next challenge. The designers already know that it involves a hot accessory and now horses are added to the brainstorming list alongside shoes and belts. Horses? As an accessory? In Wyoming maybe.

While the designers shiver, Tim comes over the grassy knoll (Note to Self: Add Tim to list of conspirators in the Kennedy matter. Is it a coincidence that his last name is Gunn?). Our intrepid mentor is being dragged along by a gaggle of Hilton sized pooches with nametag tees. To the delight of all but dog-o-phobe Laura, the instructions are to select a dog, pet it, cuddle it, let it lick your face and sniff your privates. Laura, reflecting my position exactly, states that with so many kids at home, she just doesn’t have the emotional energy to commit to an animal. That, and animals are filthy and cost way more money than they’re worth. Keith, in the only moment of honest insight he’s ever had, states that each designer has chosen him/herself in their dog.

Once back at Parson’s, Tim tells everyone that the task is to create a narrative of each dog’s owner and design an outfit for both woman and dog. They sketch (and the term is used loosely today) before heading over to Mood. The highlight of this foray into the fabric mecca is Angela repeatedly passing by Vincent and whispering, “We only have 21 minutes left . . . We only have 12 minutes 37 seconds left . . . We only have T minus 4 minutes left . . . Tick tock, Vincent. Tick tock.”

At this point, the designers start revealing their stories. To sum up:
1. Allison is designing for a young Japanese fashionista who travels as a buyer with a dog named Pepito. I’m okay with that.
2. Keith is designing for a sophisticated woman who wouldn’t dream of dressing her dog Morgan in anything but a collar. Okay, but it’s not quite the challenge, is it?
3. Bradley is designing for Stanley and his owner, an architect who appreciates simplicity, style and B.S.ing when confidence is lacking. We’ll see how this pans out.
4. Katherine is designing for a simple girl who believes her dog Talulah should be better dressed than herself. I’ve seen how Katherine dresses herself. I’m sure her dog is better dressed after he has rolled around the yard.
5. Robert is designing for a Park Avenue Princess of either the J.A.P. or W.A.S.P. varieties who is entering rehab and needs someone to care for the appropriately named Chanel. For a guy who hates stories to explain design, his is remarkably believable and true to his design.
6. Jeffrey is designing for a rock and roll star with a dog named Flex. Predictable.
7. Michael is designing for a 38 year old mom in Phoenix who wishes she could fit into his dress, though the canine accessory (Carly, by name) would be sent off to the Humane Society over the teary protestations of her children. Yep, that’s me.
8. Laura is designing for Sophia and her owner, a 42 year old New York architect with 5 children who loves classic design and frou-frou stuff around the neckline. Yep, that’s her.
9. Uli is designing for a young, hip girl who loves to party and drag her dog around to lunches with the other young, hip girls and shop with daddy’s credit card. Her dog is improbably named Einstein. We can be sure that the young hipster has no clue who Einstein was. Again, I’m okay with it.
10. Vincent is designing for Lil’A, the new love of his life, and maybe he’ll throw something together for Lil’A’s owner. The less I say about this guy, the better.
11. Bonnie is designing for someone with a dog named Sparkle, but as she was MIA this episode, I’m not sure what her story is. That’s okay. If she was in any danger of leaving or going through a psychotic episode, she would have had more camera time.
12. Angela is designing for a naughty British expatriate headmistress of the Jubilee Jumble Art Camp for Gifted Children outside Paris. Parents are not invited onto the grounds of the camp. Her dog is named PattyCake because that is her favorite game to play with the boy campers after the other counselors have gone to bed. Shhh! Don’t tell. What the heck? As soon as she said Art Camp, I knew that the resulting design would be a mishmash of fabrics and styles. High on eccentricity, low on taste. God help us all.

The designers have 2 ½ days to realize their visions and they fill nearly 60 hours with snarky comments. Loved it! There is a bit of a confrontation between Bad Mommy Laura and Bad Person Keith over Good Designer Michael’s sewing machine rights. This is resolved when Keith realizes the error of his ways and, with Laura’s guidance, drafts a motion to guarantee sewing machine rights for all citizens of the workroom.

Most of the concern in the workroom during the task is reserved for Bradley. Judgment day is also his birthday. He is clearly at loose ends with his garment and suffers constant haranguing from Tim. Vincent states that Bradley likes to jump off bridges and find things as he falls. Been there, done that, eh Vincent? Laura saves the day with Bradley when, in an attempt to give him a little bit of a neurological boost, she passes him some Ritalin that she nicked from her sons’ medicine cabinets. Come on people. You’ve seen her video! Those kids have definitely qualified for meds. Robert notices that this perks Bradley up and he is suddenly running around like crazy, like “a man without a country.” Is the INS chasing him? Men without countries don’t run around. They sneak into their country of choice, get work using false documentation and lie low so as not to attract governmental attention.

It’s now time for the runway show. All the models, 2 legged and 4 legged, are dressed. Even Bradley managed to piece together something for his model. Heidi announces the fabulous prizes (are prizes ever anything but fabulous?) and the judging panel. Michael Kors is still out, leaving Vera Wang to sub and Ivanka Trump, who presumably has great taste despite the fact that her father lives in the most garish apartment in New York, is guest judging.

I’m not going to give a rundown of each look that came out on the runway for a couple of reasons. First of all, I cannot describe any of them in such a way that would do them justice. And secondly, I’m too much of a computer doofus to be able to figure out how to include the pictures of them in this summary. Refer to bravotv.com or maybe one of you peeps can put them in this thread.

I will, however, comment on a couple of the looks that didn’t make it to the secondary judging session. Robert’s design is a pink plaid skirt with an ivory top. Add in the jewels and accessories and he practically screams “Chanel!” Of course, if he does, his dog will come bounding to him. Very literal interpretation of the task.

And then there is Laura. Laura starts with “la”, as in do-re-mi-fa-so-la-ti-do. Now take that “la” and belt it out as long and loud as you can. Don’t go down to “so” or up to “ti.” Do you get where I’m going? Laura is starting to seem so “one-note” (Thank you, Nina). It’s a lovely note, but it’s only episode 3 and I’m already getting bored. Branch out Laura. Make something new. Might I suggest a tacky little balloon skirt that is hopelessly inappropriate?

After scores from the runway have been tallied, the following designers are asked to stay behind: Allison, Bradley, Keith, Angela, Katherine and Uli. Tension builds as we all wonder who will win, who will lose, and who will tell Nina to shove it.

Uli is up first to defend her garment. She goes through the whole young girl with money scenario. Ivanka, big surprise, likes Uli’s story. It works for her. Of course it works for you Ivanka; it is you! You are the young, hip girl. You go to fabulous parties. You enjoy lunch with friends before heading out for more shopping. Would you have liked her story so much if she designed for the young, tired woman who spins Blizzards for Dairy Queen, picks up her kids at day care, heads home to the trailer park and makes a TV dinner for the burping lump on the couch?

Katherine, whose dress is supposed to reflect a simple modern woman who dresses up on occasion, is next. She endures a barrage of criticism that the dress is too simple, it’s blah, the hem is weird and the dog is dressed better. Katherine blames it all on the machines.

Allison is up next and is quick to invent Vera Wang’s life story (plus dog) as the inspiration behind her garment. It works from head to tail and most judges agree that Allison’s design is modern, chic and cool.

Angela draws the #4 spot on the grill. Her model is wearing a short purple balloon skirt (Angela’s particular specialty) and a miniature top that shows all but the nipples. Though she should go with the whole young, modern woman story that everyone else is milking, she buries herself with the art camp headmistress story. It doesn’t help that we know Laura is eavesdropping from backstage as we hear her whispering, “When my sons see this they’re going to want to go to France every summer for a month of art camp. Thank you, Jesus.” Though Vera Wang is fairly kind on the technical details of the outfit, everyone else rips Angela and her lack of taste to shreds.

Bradley, who just may cry (though not as dramatically as Andre), must defend his outfit next. He paints a pretty picture of a simplicity loving woman. That’s code for “I have no idea what I’m doing so I’m trying to fool you into believing that this whole lot of nothing is modern and profound.” It works! Happy Birthday, Bradley! The judges love your version of simplicity and find you daring and amazing. Now go get a massage to rid yourself of all the fingernail biting tension of the last 2 days.

And last but not least, we come to Keith; the head rolling, egomaniacal a-hole of Season 3. Keith’s woman is modern, sophisticated and elegant and wouldn’t dream of putting any stupid clothing on her hairless dog. That’s code for “I fart in your general direction. Now let me taunt you a second time.” Yeah, Keith. He’s a piece of work. Unfortunately he didn’t produce a piece of work for Morgan the Dog and Heidi calls him on the carpet for it. Keith blows off all the judges, knowing that the work he put into the dress that matters will make up for the doggy cape that really doesn’t.

After dismissing the designers then calling them back for final judgment, Heidi reads the results as follows: “Congratulations Uli, you win.” “Allison, you’re in.” “Bradley, you’re in. Now stop sweating so profusely.” “Keith, you’re in. You’re a complete putz, but you’re in. Now get out of my sight.” “Angela, you and your tasteless clothing are in.” “That means, Katherine, you’re out. Good-bye in German.”

Next week on Project Runway: Someone’s getting kicked off! Who will it be and why? Kayne for sleeping with Miss USA to get her vote? Uli for forcing her roommates to say “Heil Uli!” on account of her win? Robert for sending death threats to PR-2s Nick over jealousy of his superior Barbie design? Allison for smuggling Pepito back to her Atlas apartment? Bradley for going medieval on his sewing machine? Keith for plagiarizing the work of other designers? Bonnie for demanding the camera time that she deserves? Michael for removing the coffee filter dress from PR’s proprietary closet so he can finally get a decent cup of joe in the a.m.? Vincent for being Vincent? Laura for letting her kids invade Mood and wreak havoc? Angela for wearing a balloon skirt with combat boots again? Or Jeffrey, for forcing Tim to get a neck tattoo exactly like his? Hmmm. What will it be?