LAST EDITED ON 08-16-06 AT 04:58 PM (EST)

{So. Previously on Big Brother, Erika finally won an HoH competition, proving once and for all that the forces of goodness, light, and purity still have a foothold in this game -- not so fast. Janelle didn't like Erika having won. As everyone knows, Janelle doesn't like a single woman in the world, because they're all in competition with her for all the men she intends to sleep with. This happens to translate to 'every adult male on Earth'. Of course you know that. You've been reading our forums, haven't you? So Janelle immediately left the house -- yes, she can do that, she actually stays in the Beverly Hills Hilton during every moment when the camera isn't on her, which still works out to about twelve seconds a day -- and slept with all of the producers. Male and female, because as everyone on the forums knows, Janelle is a complete pervert who's out to destroy the moral fiber of America by any means necessary. Oh, and as long as she was out there, she burned some flags, just because she could.}

{Several deviant sexual acts later -- surprise! The producers had a change of heart! They said they reviewed (altered) the tapes and found out there was a malfunction (total lie) in the isolation booth equipment, which meant the competition would have to be played all over again so that Janelle could win, as was her right. After all, it's just not an HoH competition unless Janelle gets her precious room to herself, is it? Everyone knows the entire game exists only to pamper Janelle and fulfill her every whim. In fact, it's amazing how the producers managed to spot her when she was still a teenager and convince CBS to host five seasons while they waited. Of course, they had motivation. Janelle had already slept with all of them. Twice.}

{So, now Janelle is HoH. What. A. Shock. She did it purely on skill, and if you think faking climaxes when you have no working nerve endings because everyone knows you're made entirely of plastic isn't a skill -- I can point you to at least eighty local experts there -- think again. Janelle is here to crush dreams, and that's her own words from the Diary Room, the evil little doll. How evil is Janelle? She forced the producers to introduce a brand-new power into the game just so she could win that too. The first stage in this sick plan was to bring in a sheep. The other houseguests thought the sheep represented one of three clues to a phrase that would grant the winner this new power. Poor, poor houseguests, making guesses based on that sheep's presence, thinking they actually had a chance... Meanwhile, Janelle, who knew the phrase all along because she'd invented it, used the opportunity to have sex with the sheep, who will hereafter be known as 'HD George' for no apparent reason. Danielle, James, Erika, and our very own George wasted their guesses, but they wouldn't have meant anything anyway, because if they'd somehow gotten it right, the phrase would have been changed to something only Janelle knew. Again.}

{At the nomination ceremony, Janelle continued to display her obsessive hatred of all things alive and female by nominating the last two women in the house: Erika & Danielle. Because they were good, and pure, and true. And wouldn't sleep with her. Twice. James, who has been the voice of reason ever since breaking free from Janelle's mind control -- there's nothing like a diet of slop to break a Kool-Aid addiction -- tried to protect Danielle, really he did, but the evil seductress disregarded his attempt to bring rationality and fair play into the game. Poor Danielle, who only wants to support her children, may go out. Poor Erika, an innocent little girl from the small town of Chill, so poor that a reality show was the only honeymoon she and her new, legally-wed, nearly-blessed-within-the-church (see below) husband Mike could afford, may go out. Janelle is here to crush their dreams. And then kill them all. And then kill everyone on Earth who won't sleep with her, because in her eyes, you're just not a real person unless you're ready to give your body over to Janelle. Also all your money and assets, liquid and otherwise, but that pretty much goes without saying, doesn't it?}

{How will the rough beast of Big Brother, her hour come around three times a week, sloutch through the Veto competition and manage to turn it to her own benefit? If she permits the medallion to be used, then which innocent victim will be sacrificed in place of her latest two offers to her dark lord? When will CBS realize that they've become The Official Network Of The Antichrist? And why haven't people descended on the studio lots with pitchforks and torches?}

{You know the worst thing about this so-called modern civilization? You just can't get a good lynch mob organized any more. Roll opening credits.}

{Six hundred full-sized screen shots of Janelle later, we're back in the house, and our innocents are about to be tortured again. Let's listen to them in the Diary Room, where speech will be noted with a 'dr'. Why? Because Janelle stole my c-t. Be-yotch.}

Danielle (dr): 'I -- I just wanted to support my family...' (weeping) 'I'm making such a sacrifice... she tried to brand me with her mark when she drew me into her acid embrace... it burns so badly... why won't they let me see a doctor? Why won't they let Will treat me? He'd give anything to see me out of pain, but every time he tries to help me, the producers block him! I think the wounds are becoming infected...'
Erika (dr): 'What can I do? I'm faithful! I can't sleep with the producers! I only sleep with Mike because we've been joined in holy matrimony. Well, almost holy. As a former Jew, I once worshiped a false god that has been replaced by my upcoming lord and savior, Jesus Christ. That's right: I'm going to convert. Living in a house with the Antichrist has shown me the true path, and I now know Lee was acting under the influence of evil when he took those days off. I will not make the same mistake, and I will be properly wed within a church so that my wedding will count in the eyes of the Lord, not to mention the proposed Constitutional amendment. I can only hope that God sees that my soul has been cleansed by my time in this holy place. But evil is so close, my Lord, and I do not know if my goodness can stand against it. I thought I had the power to rid us of evil, and the shadow has grown darker over my valley...'
Janelle (dr): 'They will all die. They will all die at my hands. For there is only so much hair product in the world, and it shall all be mine. And as long as I'm thinking about it, peons, I order that the war in Iraq will continue until we have seized control of every ounce of petroleum in that ravaged nation. I don't care how many people have to suffer as long as my hair has extra body.'
James (dr): 'Do I save Danielle, my old sister in faith? Can I save Erika, my new sibling under Christ? The Legion Of Light has to win one eventually, but any victory I achieve will only be partial. I will have to sacrifice one, like that heretic Abraham. How can I choose which to protect and which to let go? And Sophie thought she had it hard? If only I could find out what this mysterious power is...'

{Danielle, Erika, and Marcellas gather in the red room, stained with the blood of Janelle's victims, to discuss their fates.}

Danielle (crying): 'How am I going to pay for that life-saving operation on my youngest child now?'
Erika: 'Maybe she'll take me first. I can always offer myself to the altar -- you know how she likes to hear us scream of our own free will...'
Marcellas: 'No, let it be me. I'm already damned. No matter what I do in this life, no matter how much good I bring to the world or the amount of light I shed into dark corners, I will burn forever because of a foolish choice I made in my sexuality. I realize that now. But if I must die and suffer eternally, let me do so for my friends. My sacrifice may mean nothing in the eyes of the Lord, but perhaps while my soul is being tormented in the brimstone pits, the tears that stream from my eyes as I think of you will bring me comfort. Should one of you be temporarily spared, I will volunteer to replace you.'
Erika: 'Marcellas -- I'm so touched. That's incredibly sweet of you -- no, don't touch me! If you stay in contact too long, Jesus won't love me any more!'
Marcellas: 'I'm sorry. I forgot myself for a moment.'
Erika: 'That's all right. Just make sure you keep that gay-proof bathrobe closed at all times.'

{Shortly afterwards, Will brings Danielle into the bug room, hoping that Janelle will never think to look in the place where she worships the Lord Of Flies. But those tarantulas? Minions. Careful what you say...}

Will: 'I'm trying to save you. I've been trying to save all of us through my God-given intelligence and love of the good, but it's so hard to do in an evil game.'
Danielle: 'I understand. It's hard to fight the inherent corruption of the world.'
Will: 'Well, maybe I can't do anything about the festering blisters, but I can at least try to help you in the Veto. There's so few of us left to play, Mike and myself are almost bound to be in the draw. We're going to throw it to you. Mike understands that he may lose his wife, but they're childless, and replacing every vital organ in your little one's body is so much more important. Anything we can do to help you...'
Danielle: 'Truly, you walk in the footsteps of the Lord.'
Will: 'I am his humble servant.'

{Of course, this means Mike and Erika realize their time together may be short. That night, in bed.}

Mike: 'One last kiss? We may not have a chance for another.'
Erika: 'I don't think we should. We're technically not allowed to touch each other unless we're about to produce soldiers for the holy war. Also, there may be children watching the live feeds.'
Mike: 'As always, you're right. It's so hard when you can't review doctrine every day, and you've done the more recent studies in preparation for your conversion... Actually, should we be in the same bed?'
Erika: 'Oh, good point! As the man, you may keep the bed. As the woman, I will assume my natural low station on the cold floor.'
Mike: 'I'm so glad I proposed to you the other day. At least when we go, we will enter the kingdom of Heaven as man and wife.'
Erika: 'Let's not talk about that.'
Mike: 'You don't want to talk about a glorious afterlife?'
Erika: 'Not when poor damned Kaysar might be watching.'
Mike (dr): 'Truly, the most beautiful thing about her is her compassion for the non-souled. Look at how close she's come to almost touching Marcellas. I will miss her when she is gone, but we will be reunited where all is beautiful and there is no Janelle to stand between us.'

{Meanwhile, Marcellas decides to confront the beast in her HoH room.}

Marcellas: 'You told me that if I took you to the Final Two, you could cleanse the taint of the gay within me and bring me back into the eyes of the Lord again!'
Janelle: 'Guess what? I lied.'
Marcellas: 'That's it, witch! You had better get me out of this house! Although God will never notice my actions in any way, I still intend to honor that which condemns my foolish youthful mistake by destroying your evil! Nominate me, foul one, and sacrifice me on your altar -- or I will find a way to make you pay, even as I fall into the pit with you!'
Janelle: 'I bet you think you're cute when you get fanatical. I know you're just trying to protect Danielle and Erika.'
Marcellas: 'I'm following in the pure light of Will's example!'
Janelle: 'Will? He's my pawn. He may think he has a chance to make goodness hurt my plans, but...' (laughs) 'He's as doomed as the rest of you. I just allow him extra delusions. He's adorable when he believes he had a chance.'
Marcellas: 'This isn't over.'
Janelle: 'Of course it isn't. It's only over when I say it is.'
Marcellas: 'One day, master of this world. One day...' (leaves, but continues talking in dr) 'If I could only win HoH, I would nominate her. I know it wouldn't work -- nothing seems to work -- but at least I would show how willing I am to try. I will sacrifice myself for my friends. I will show the world that even the damned can care.'

{Commercials, and then we go to the next morning, with Will & Janelle speaking in the heart of evil.}

Janelle: 'You don't actually think you can win this new power, do you? I'm just waiting for your hopes to be dashed before I claim it.'
Will: 'If I don't have my faith, I don't have anything.'
Janelle: 'What do I have to do to corrupt you? You're such a puzzle, Will... I can break any man alive if I put my mind to it, but you...'
Will: 'My loyalty to my Erin and my Lord protect me. And yet, I have compassion for you, because you are only following the ineffable plan laid down four thousand years ago. You know not what you do.'
Janelle: 'You are adorable when you're delusional!'
Will (dr): 'Please, my Lord. I ask for so little, but the work is so great and your servant so weak -- if it be thy desire, grant onto me a second clue...'

{Through either the power of Will's faith or Janelle's desire to torment the others, the second clue appears: a giant needle and thread spool sitting in the backyard.}

James (dr): 'Well, needles pull things... I found that in my book, along with the rich man and camel thing... maybe I still have a chance with my 'pull the wool over your eyes' guess. Through faith, all things are possible!'

Will: 'It could be 'you reap what you sow' -- the female sheep as 'ewe' for 'you', the needle and thread for sewing...'
Mike: 'It could. But what if you're wrong? We may need a third clue. Or it could be turned around. As ye sow, so shall ye reap...'
Will: 'I believe in my answer. I think the time is right.'
Mike: 'Will, I follow you in all ways, you know that -- but my faith isn't as strong as yours...'
Will: 'Then have patience, my brother. All is not lost yet.'

Janelle: 'It's 'wolf in sheep's clothing.' The thread represents sewing.'
Howie: 'Are you sure, my mistress?'
Janelle: 'Do you not trust your dark lord?'
Howie: 'Of course I do, mistress!'
Janelle: 'Then go forth and make your guess. I grant this power onto you. And should anyone ask you what you guessed, tell them it was 'spool of lies'. Because that is an incredibly common expression that everyone uses every day.'
Howie: 'Immediately, mistress!' (leaves)
Janelle (dr): 'What a sap. And now the real purpose of the clue: I'm going to go sleep with the giant needle!'

{Which leads to:}

Danielle: 'Oh, look. It's the lap dog of evil. What did you guess, lap dog?'
Howie: 'My mistress has given me a spool of lies.'
Will (nods knowledgeably): 'Oh, yes. I say that every day.'
Danielle: 'You do?'
Will: 'Of course. 'Janelle is weaving a tale from her spool of lies.' See how well that works?'
James: 'Wow. That's almost Biblical. And I should know.'
Howie: 'Watch the language. Ever since I acknowledged my new mistress, some words are starting to burn my ears.'
Danielle (curious): 'What -- Biblical?'
Howie: 'Owie! Owie! Big Boy doesn't like the holy stuff!'
Will: 'Are you okay? Maybe I should examine you before the producers forbid me to help you, too.'
Howie: 'Stay back! The light from your white skin burns!'

{Some time after Howie finally stops screaming, Janelle hosts the Veto player draw.}

Janelle: 'Hello, puppets. Now, last week, I gave up my right to play in this Veto competition, because I knew I'd win HoH anyway and be safe. I'm sure Erika understands my decision. But I still get to draw first from this bag which I have rigged for myself. Let's see -- Will, you're also cute when you're struggling in a hopeless cause. You're in.'
Will: 'I know you can't understand how much you might regret that, and I have only sorrow for your part in this play.'
Janelle: 'Yeah, whatever. Erika, you're getting a houseguest's choice ball, and you will choose Marcellas, because I want to see him suffer in another loss.'
Erika: 'Thank you for thinking of both of us.'
Janelle: 'Danielle, you will pick James, for the turncoat must see that his dark power to win Veto competitions only came from his alliance with me, and now that he has left my side, possibly forever -- he will be killed, of course -- it is gone...'
Danielle: 'Your compassion truly is the stuff of legend.'
Janelle: 'I know! Have you given your food onto me yet?' (everyone nods) 'Good! I'll have the snakes removed from your beds next week. Let's go wait for the set-up! Of course, they're setting things up to make me happy. I'm sure everyone understands.'
Howie: 'Yes, mistress.'
Janelle (gives Howie a dirty look): 'I didn't mean you specifically.'
Howie: 'I am sorry, mistress. Can I go back to licking your feet now?'
Janelle: 'If you must.'

(The Legion Of Light gathers in the bug room.}

Will: 'This is going to be tricky. James can't win -- Janelle was threatening him there, trying to get him back to her side. If he wins and saves Danielle, then she'll know he's lost forever, and she will kill him. Erika and Marcellas may win by accident. Marcellas wouldn't use it, of course, because it would mean he couldn't go on the block in the place of the person he saved, and that's what he really wants... James, you and I will have to throw it to Danielle, and trust in the Lord to do the rest.'
James: 'I'll try. It may be easy for me to lose -- I've been so weak since I left her...'
Danielle: 'I love you all so much for doing this.'
Will: 'And we love you. There isn't a person here who wouldn't give themselves up for any of the others.'
James: 'Group hug!'
Mike: 'No physical contact unless we're married and about to procreate or directly linked by blood. Children may be watching the live feeds.'
James: 'Oh. I'm sorry. I'm new to this goodness stuff.'
Will: 'I forgive you, my child.'
James: 'You forgive me?'
Will (hastily, as if trying to protect a secret): 'It's just an expression.'

{Later that day, the backyard is finally ready, and everyone goes outside for the Veto competition. There are gameshow-style podiums for the five players to stand at, and an array of objects from previous seasons spread around the yard. A mechanical bull. Pink flamingos. A spinning chair. With all the seasons represented in the house, most of them find some recognition, but no one's sure just what Janelle's evil plan is this time. Except for the obvious part.}

Janelle: 'As everyone who watches me knows, I need a fresh supply of souls to keep my coating unscratched, so please welcome, from the second season -- Nicole, our guest host!'
Nicole: 'But -- but I didn't do anything that deserves punishment...'
Janelle: 'Like I care. Kiss the ring. Kiss it!'
Will (dr): 'Nicole! My dear Nicole! I must save her! If I can rush over the wall and carry her on my shoulders... no, I must stay in this house and help the others. I must be strong...'
Nicole: 'Oh, God. It tastes like sulfur... So -- um... this contest is a challenge to -- the taste is in my nostrils... do something better than another previous houseguest. We're going to bring in other people from past seasons, they'll do something, Janelle will devour them, and then you'll have to beat their time. Each person will write down a bid, saying what their best time would be. The one with the largest difference from the actual time will have to prove it. If you beat their time, you can eliminate the player of your choice. If you don't, you're out. Please, Janelle, please eat them first...'
Janelle: 'Aw... but you look so tasty in that outfit...'
Will (dr): 'Can we throw this to Danielle? Yes! All we have to do is eliminate ourselves! Danielle may never have to do a thing! This is perfect! But -- so many victims...'
Nicole: 'Please welcome -- I'm so sorry, I'm so sorry -- April!'
April: 'What? My soul already belongs to Maggie!'
Janelle (shrugs): 'All lesser evils are ultimately mine.'
Nicole: 'April, please eat fifteen pieces of sushi as fast as you can -- there. Five minutes, four seconds. Let's see your bids. Will -- 2:56! Still the valiant one. Please, please save me...'
Will: 'I'm trying...'
April: 'Who are you?'
Nicole: 'You don't know Will?'
April: 'I don't know anything from any season other than my own. By the way, did they ever install cameras in the HoH room?'
Janelle: 'No. Wanna come up there later and see my new etchings?'
April: 'Again?'

{Will dr-recognizes he's in a precarious position -- he has to save Danielle, keep the Legion of Light intact, and make Janelle think she can still dominate him. As such, he actually competes in this one, beating his bid time by twenty seconds while playing around as if he doesn't care about the results -- tossing sushi into the air and catching it in his mouth, joking with the others as he goes. Will then eliminates Marcellas.}

Marcellas: 'I'm so relieved. There was a moment there when I thought I might actually have to do something! Will and Mike's completely platonic love for their fellow man saved me, even though I'm so much less than a true man! If only there was a way I could be with them in the light -- no, I had my chance, I made my foolish choice, and wishing otherwise only leads to Janelle...'

{Time for the second contest: tossing hoops over the flamingos, which are worth one to three points depending on how away they are from the throwing area. This means we're bringing back --}

Scott: 'Yeah! I'm back, baby! A Horseman is riding again! I would so totally do Janelle for a chance to be part of her apocalypse! I'm just going to roll all over the lawn and bask in the glory of her evil! Oh, why didn't I wait a year to send in that application?'
Will (dr): 'I think I have someone new to bring to the ways of the Chill. Before it's too late.'
Scott: 'Watch while I toss some rings! This first one is for Jase! It missed! Because he's a loser! There's one -- and another -- and another -- yeah! Watch me go! There, that's ten points in a minute and fifty-eight! Beat that, suckers!'
Erika: 'Scott? Is that the same brown streak down the back of your shorts that you had when you applied for The Surreal Life?'
Scott (seems to shrink in on himself): 'I have nowhere else to go...'

{Well, since he's already walking down the path of the Janelle-beast, he can always romance Flav.}

{James and Will manage to sneak in a conversation using the hand code known only to true believers, and if you didn't see it, then clearly your faith is weak. James will bid the lowest time, and does: a minute and forty seconds. Scott is incredulous and James is still weak, but it takes very little strength to throw a light plastic hoop. As such, James beats his bid by nine seconds, and eliminates Erika.}

Janelle (dr): 'I thought he wanted to live! Danielle is the bigger threat! Does James actually think turning to Will and his Legion at this point is enough to save his soul? Oh, my silly, silly pawn... I could almost miss him if I had any human feelings at all...'

{Third contest: sit in a spinning chair for two minutes, then get up, walk over to a platter, put a glass of champagne on it, deliver it to a pedestal, and ring a bell. This must mean we're about to see:}

Erika: 'Oh, wow! It's like seeing my father! My grandfather! My great-grandfather!'
Janelle: 'I don't understand this. How can this show keep giving me old people to devour? They're too chewy!'
Jack: 'It's nice to see everyone. I have no regrets about my time here, and I --'
Janelle: 'Oh, shut up, fossil. Everyone knows that anyone who looks their actual age must be worthless.'
Nicole: 'Jack, repeat your performance! -- oh. Oh, you've gotten better at this. You sat in the chair for a few seconds after the spinning stopped to get your bearings before you got up. You're not staggering at all! Thirty-seven seconds -- who can beat that?'
Danielle (dr): 'I'm just going one second under the time for whatever the event is so the others will always beat my bid. Let them win and get rid of people other than me, or lose and eliminate themselves. Sacrifice is so valiant...'
Nicole: 'James with a bid of twenty seconds! Janelle, please stop licking your lips...'
Janelle: 'As if I care what you want.'
Jack: 'I should spank you, young lady.'
Janelle (perks up): 'Ooooh, would you?'
James (dr): 'I have to throw this one. I have to make it look like I was really trying. I hope my acting skills are up to this...'

{They're not. James can't beat Jack's time, but it's very clear that he's trying not to. His staggering as he gets out of the chair isn't strong or quick enough, and he only starts pretending to lose control of his movements when he's handling the glass, knocking it around and finally spilling it when he gets it to the pedestal. He's a very bad actor, and Janelle picks up on it.}

Janelle (dr): 'Swallow his soul! Swallow his soul!'
Howie: 'Did you see, mistress! Did you see what the traitor did! The ultimate betrayal!'
Janelle: 'Of course, peon. Now hush. I'm trying to unhinge my jaw.'
Will (dr): 'I guess it's just hard for a man as honest as James to practice deceit...'

{James is out. Will and Danielle remain. The last stunt is mechanical bull riding. And who was good at that?}

Erika: 'Forgive me, Lord. I just had a sinful thought.'
Marcellas: 'Leave that to me. I'm damned anyway.'
Hardy: '...'
Will: 'Every night, I pray for that man. And every day, he still refuses to use the power of speech.'
Hardy: '...'
Janelle: 'Who needs to talk when your body has such great things to say? Guess what, Nicole? You can wait. I'm getting him first.'
Hardy: '...!'
Nicole: 'Thank you! Thank you! Hardy, ride that bull -- okay! Fifty-nine seconds. What's the bids? Danielle, one minute -- Will -- three minutes?'
Janelle (dr): 'What is this? Even with the power of his overrated god flowing through him, Will can't last half that long!'
Will (dr) 'I said I would give anything to save Danielle and truly, I have. I just gave up my reproductive ability. Again.'

{In fact, Will does take a bit of a mashing when he's riding the bull, but since sex is dirty and bad and only necessary for the production of holy warriors, it's not as if he's done anything wrong. And by falling off at 1:26, he loses the contest and gives the Veto to Danielle -- who wins without having to do a thing.}

Janelle: 'What is this? Vecepia's All-Stars?'
Nicole: 'Danielle, come and get your Veto!'
Danielle: 'I bid one second more than it took Janelle to get her Veto.'
Janelle: 'Oh, you're going to pay for that one.'
Danielle (dr): 'The jyhad is on now, girl. Oh, it is on.'
Janelle (dr): 'James, you can flaunt that Dark Mark as much as you like, but now I know you'll never stop working with Will. Traitors will be punished...'
James (dr): 'Umm... I just teach Potions...'

{Commercials -- over four minutes' worth, because all of the things Janelle demands from CBS in tribute cost money -- and then the Legion of Light, minus James, celebrates in the pantry. Danielle and Mike think Janelle might be angry enough to nominate James in place of Danielle once she saves herself. They should only know what's going on in the HoH room.}

Janelle: 'Do you want to die?'
James: 'I'm sorry, mistress. Did you not want me to get rid of Erika? I thought you had said she was the biggest threat.'
Janelle: 'Oh, cut the peon crap. It's as bad an act as your dizzy waiter performance.'
Howie: 'You should kill him, mistress!'
Janelle: 'As much as it pains me to agree with such a moron, he actually has a point.'
Howie: 'Thank you, mistress.'
Janelle: 'Back to the feet, slave. James, is there any way you can explain yourself?'
James: 'Not really. I'm a very bad liar.'
Janelle: 'I'm not getting rid of you yet. I'm going to make you suffer first. Sometimes, the worst thing that can happen to anyone is staying alive -- while those around you fall...'
James: 'You wouldn't!'
Janelle: 'Watch me. I've had fun playing with your little friends, but it ends now. The Legion of Light is going to lose one of its leaders -- and there's nothing you can do to stop it!'

{The Legion quickly conferences in the exercise room, where Janelle holds her really fun torture sessions. So many smashed fingers, so little time...}

James: 'She's starting to lose it. Her horns came out of her forehead and left trails of blood running across her eyes.'
Will: 'If she gets rid of myself or Mike, our spirits will live on in you.'
James: 'She's thinking of Mike, Will. She still wants to hurt you some more first.'
Mike: 'If I can save my precious spouse by going first, I will.'
Will: 'Don't let your faith weaken, friends. There may still be a way to keep our forces intact for another week. I'll try to confront the creature in its den. This war is far from over.'
Mike: 'What would we do without you?'
Will: 'Someday, I will have to leave you. You have to prepare for it.'
James (sobbing): 'Are you sure?'
Will: 'Yes. But don't worry. I'll be back in three days.'
James: 'That time may start running pretty soon. She wants both of you up there. Now.'

{In the HoH room.}

Janelle: 'Your purity is really starting to piss me off.'
Will: 'You know we have to do what our side feels is right. And if James wishes to be with us, there is nothing more you can do to him.'
Janelle: 'I can get him back.'
Will: 'But can you ever be certain of his loyalty?'
Janelle: 'That's the Marcellas problem, thank you.'
Will: 'Then nominate him. He knows he's doomed, he's embraced his fate -- but it'll hurt just as much when he's tormented. I love him, of course, as I love all people, but he has placed himself in your hands. Nothing I can do.'
Janelle (pouting): 'It's just not as much fun when they know it's coming...'
Will: 'But either way, you'll have someone out that you know you can't control. And you get to torture Mike and myself for another week. Do you see a downside to this?'
Janelle: 'Not much of one. But tormenting you is getting so old... I should do something new to you!'
Will: 'If it keeps my new family here for another week, name it.'
Janelle: 'You, Erika, and Mike are going to take a shower with me. Let's see how your vaunted resistance holds up to something sexual. And I am something sexual. Ask the entire upper tier of the network staff and forty percent of Florida.'
Will: 'I can yawn at anything you can dish out.'
Howie: 'There's going to be boobies? Boobies for Howie? Howie is going to finally see mistress' boobies! Howie was always loyal!'

{Howie is immediately thrown out of the HoH room.}

Janelle: 'Now. Both of you and Erika, in my shower.'
Will: 'I will stay strong.'
Mike (dr): 'That was horrible.'
Will (dr): 'That was loathsome.'
Mike (dr): 'I may be sick.'
Will (dr): 'I was already.'
Mike (dr): 'So neither of us is nominated?'
Will (dr): 'Right.'
Mike (dr): 'Well, we're doing the Lord's work.'
Will (dr): 'I know. But some days, it's really heavy lifting.'

{We draw the curtain of mercy over the shower scene -- there may be children reading this summary, you perverted agents of Janelle -- and go to commercials. When the harbinger of doom returns, we're privy to a pair of quick conversations. And given that Janelle is involved, 'privy' is the right word.}

Janelle: 'Marcellas, I may torture you by putting you up.'
Marcellas: 'Nothing you can do to me can compare to what I have earned from the Lord with my stupid choice.'
Janelle: 'Marcellas, I may torture you by not putting you up.'
Marcellas: 'Were you not listening a second ago?'
Janelle: 'You're not fun any more.'

{And, in the pantry room.}

Janelle: 'Will, what are you doing?'
Will: 'Getting rid of Kaysar's food before the impure nature of his religion seeps into our bodies through his meals. What are you doing?'
Janelle: 'Your concern for others is truly nauseating.'
Will: 'I believe in peace, love, and honesty.'
Janelle: 'I believe I may nominate Marcellas after all, despite the suggestion to do so having come from you.'
Will: 'Just keep thinking about how he'll squirm all week as he anticipates his ultimate fate.'
Janelle (wriggles with delight): 'Oooooh! -- wait. You don't like evil.'
Will: 'As I said, I feel sorry for you. And just because I don't like something doesn't mean I don't understand it. I must know my enemy, or face the same fate a second time.'
Janelle: 'You won last time.'
Will (hastily): 'I was thinking about something else. Never mind.'
Janelle: 'Say, are your palms bleeding?'
Will: 'I cut myself on the packaging.'
Janelle (suspicious): 'Sure...'

{And finally, it's time for the Veto ceremony.}

Danielle (dr): 'I can only save myself. Will says it's right that I do so, because I'm doing it for my precious children. But at the same time, I put the others at risk. I know the evil Janelle is capable of, and she only works within the rules until she convinces the producers to change them. We're all in so much danger...'

{Danielle calls everyone into the living room, where Janelle typically makes people stop living, and conducts the ceremony.}

Danielle: 'By the power of this token and the respect you have granted it, you cannot touch me. Kyrie Elisan.'
All houseguests except Janelle: 'Kyrie Elisan: her soul is saved.'
Janelle: 'For now. So I suppose you want me to nominate someone else?'
Danielle: 'So it must be done.'
Janelle: 'This is the pact. One soul is saved, another must be doomed.'
All houseguests, including Janelle: 'We honor the pact.'

{A rainbow briefly appears in the window for no apparent reason.}

Janelle: 'Marcellas, damned be you, by your own choice. May you suffer eternally with no hope of release, and not a soul to cry for your fate.'
Will: 'We will cry for him.'
Janelle: 'But you can't save him.'
Will: 'Well, it was his choice.'

{Marcellas goes onto the block.}

Marcellas: 'At last! My death can mean something!' (faints)
Mike: 'Is he okay?'
Janelle (disgusted): 'Trust me, he does that all the time. Okay, people. You have until Thursday to decide which of you I'm serving up with a side order of fava beans. Get out of here. I may have agreed to play by the rules of the Great Game, but I'm starting to get fed up with them...'
Will: 'It's ineffable.'
Janelle: 'Oh, shut up,'

Marcellas (dr): 'I see her for what she is now. Will, the Legion Of Light -- I die for you.'
Will (dr): 'Yea, though I walk through the valley...'
Janelle (dr): 'If Erika goes home, I'm happy. If Marcellas goes home, I won't get to hurt him any more until I return home. Really, this is a hard one. It's just so hard to wait to hurt people! That reminds me -- where's that needle?'
George (dr): 'Am I even in this house any more?'

{Who will be evicted? Who will win the next HoH, and how will Janelle taint their attempts to save the house? Can Will continue to protect his people from Janelle's evil? And why haven't you people stormed the set to take out the ultimate threat to the safety of this poor world?}

{Why? Because you're all working for her. Will, Mike, Danielle, and Erika are the last saved souls left, aren't they? Evil! You're all evil!}

{Go pitchfork yourselves, minions of darkness. I'm going to church.}

(Anyone who takes this seriously, deserves to.)