LAST EDITED ON 02-28-05 AT 03:07 AM (EST)-Revenge of the Not So’s-All season long I had intended to watch at least one episode of Wickedly Perfect before getting to this one, but the road to heaven is paved with good intentions, so I must be going to hell. Or am I going to heaven because I procrastinate? Isn’t there a saying “procrastination makes you go blind”, or is it “procrastination makes the heart grow fonder”? Oh never mind, you didn’t come here to read a solo agnostic debate about procrastination and going to hell, you came here to read a summary of the show Wickedly Perfect.
Previously on Wickedly Perfect, Mitch got rid of Kimberly and now they are down to the final 5. Mitch and Dawn on the Artisans team are pondering the ramifications of making it to the final 5, and Dawn doesn’t even want to think about it, as if it is some jinx.
We begin on Day 20 in the estate with Joan Lunden and the two teams. Joan welcomes the Crafty Beavers (Amy, Darlene, and Heather) and the Artisans (Mitch and Dawn). Oh my god, who named them the Crafty Beavers? At first I thought it was a joke. Once I got the brownie I was chewing dislodged from my throat and cleaned up the milk I spilled on the carpet, I realized that they were serious. That really is the team name! Joan announces that the project is going to be the landscaping of a city lot.
Now for the really big news, the TWIST! What’s a good reality TV show without a twist after all. As the music takes on an ominous and portentous tone, Ms. Lunden tells the teams that they will need help in order to complete their tasks in 24 hours. Enter the Not So Wickedly Perfect, rejects that have already left the show. (I’ll call them Not So’s for short) Didn’t they leave the game for a reason? What are they doing back here now? Simple, as Joan explains, the teams will get to take their choice from any of the Not So’s, and since the Artisans have one less player, they get to choose first.
The Artisans choose Tim, and Mitch reveals that it is for his carpentry skills that will be needed for this task.
The 3 ladies of the Crafty Beavers confer; they must decide whom to take next. Heather and Amy ask Darlene if they can pick Tom.
Darlene: I can’t
Amy: Oh please?
Darlene: I can’t, I can’t, I can’t
Thank god they show a flashback to day 3 that tells me why Darlene is so stressed over picking Tom. Way back when they had a conflict, and it seems that might be why Tommy boy isn’t in the game anymore.
Heather: But we need a man.
Darlene: We don’t need a man
Amy: Can we?
Darlene: Oh, OK
And they pick Tom, who resembles Kevin Spacey with a dye job. Heck he even sounds like Kevin Spacey. What a sweetheart too, he walked right over to Darlene and gave her a big hug.
The Artisans choose Mitch’ nemesis Kimberly with their next pick, then the Crafty Beavers select Denise, next is Michelle, and then a woman named Michael only I don’t think that is how she spells it, but since that is what it sounds like, it works for me. The last one standing on the stairs waiting to be picked was Margot, but mercifully she was picked by the Artisans and spared the humiliation of not being put on a tribe team.
Each team will get 24 hours to transform their city lots. They can go shopping online at Sears and get whatever tools they need within a $5000.00 budget. Included in the urban makeover must be a picnic area and a meditation spot. Also, for the individual competition, each person will make his or her own topiary.
What is a topiary? I’m glad you asked, because I had no idea. I thought I had an idea, well actually I did have an idea, but when I googled “topiary” I found out that my idea was way off base. A topiary is a groomed shrub. Traditionally they are round and very meticulously pruned to get into the appropriate shape and size. They most certainly are NOT shaped like a shoe or a mushroom, or Betty Rubbles hairdo for that matter.
But that’s not all folks. Want to know what the really big super duper reality twist of the century? The Not So’s on the winning team will have a chance to get back into the game, all they have to do is help their team win, and then have the best individual project, and voila, they are back in the game. But, if a Not So doesn’t have a better topiary than the real Wickedly Perfect’s who are still in the game on their own merit, then there won’t be anybody new entering the game and they will be gone this time for real. Really.
I have a question. This game is supposed to be Wickedly Perfect right? Why on earth would they force these perfect people into a grueling task of such proportion and give them only 24 hours in which to do it? I have some landscaping and building experience and I know that for all that is expected of these people there is no way in hell it is going to come out wickedly perfect in such a short time, I don’t even think they could get it almost perfect for that matter. I’m sure they will give it the old college try, but even with the wonderful tools they get at Sears, it just seems like too much to ask.
Sorry, I’ll get back to the summary now. After showing how excited everybody is, everybody except the real wickedly perfects who now feel threatened by the very existence of people that they have gotten rid of previously, they show both teams and their shopping sprees at Sears. Wow, I didn’t know that Amy had a fetish for post-hole diggers. The Artisans seemed to think they all needed chain saws, I’m sure that Tim “the Tool-man” Taylor would give his seal of approval on the idea. And speaking of tools, Mitch is really cute. But no matter what tools they got, you know they got them all at a good price at Sears. Did I mention the quality you can get at Sears too?
The Crafty Beavers spend the next 3-4 hours just talking, arguing and planning what they are going to do with the lot. Heather is all into the Zen like approach to the meditation area, with the pagodas it will be so pretty and my god so relaxing, and oh jeez way too bulky to build in time for the deadline. The Artisans are already half way finished their project, they have a foundation of a pool, a pergola in the works, and the general landscaping is shaping up.
Darlene decides to make the picnic table. She has never made a picnic table before mind you, but she has seen a lot of them built. On her bio it lists “watching picnic tables being built” as one of her favorite hobbies. We see her on the saw and she makes the brilliant comment that “saws are just like sewing machines only bigger. Wood is just like cloth only longer and harder.” Um, right.
They work through the night and in a quiet lull, Mitch decides to attack his personal project. Each person gets his or her own boxwood hedge in order to make his or her topiary. He inserts the clippers from one side, and inserts his hand into the other side, and snip, there goes the top of his thumb. Gee he is dumb. And off to the hospital he goes. The rest of his team wonders if he will ever be back (I guess they have done their share of waiting in hospital emergency rooms), and make a plan to continue on without him.
Meanwhile, over at the Crafty Beavers side, Tom is taking down the freshly built pagoda that was Heathers conception and pet project. He explains that it is too big and bulky and not strong enough, in short, it is a “no”goda. Buawahaha, he is so funny! Why the heck did they ever get rid of him? Oh yeah, it was that bitch Darlene’s fault, well I hope the Kevin Spacey look alike gets his revenge.
They show us Mitch on a stretcher in the hospital with blood gushing from his open wound. OK, not really gushing, but work with me here, we need some excitement. He tells the doctor to just do something for his thumb and get him out of there. He needs to get back into the game, he will get back into the game, for the love of god did anybody think that Mitch would be the next Curt Schilling?
Mitch gets back to the lot and lots has progressed in his absence. Oh wait, that is right! It is “absence makes the heart grow fonder”, and that old phrase is right, look at the girls swarm him. He immediately goes over to his Betty Rubble hairdo (the topiary) and gets right back on the horse that bucked him. What determination, what spirit, this man is a mans man, he must not lose!
Morning finds the teams scrambling to finish the details that make everything come together into one wickedly perfect urban renewal. Darlene must now scramble to build a new meditation area because of Heather’s “no”goda, so she schleps together some lattice pieces onto a frame and makes a workable space. Thank god they have a place to meditate.
Enter the judges, who stop by the Crafty Beavers lot first. The bald guy that looks like Doctor Evil says “Wow, who did the slipshod sod job?” Heather admits that she is the brains behind that project, and since she spent 18 hours on her “no”goda she barely had time to slap the sod down and not tuck it in. Has anybody noticed by now that Heather is completely useless? The best part about the Crafty Beavers landscape was the fire pit formed with sandstone and had some burning logs in it. Isn’t there a city ordinance about open flame?
Next the trio of judges saunter over to the Artisans park, and what a beautiful park it is. There was a nice bridge that spanned the reflection pond that was built by Kimberly and Tim. There was some great picnic tables and furniture that was built by Kimberly and Tim. They had a beautiful to die for meditation station complete with fireplace, courtesy of Kimberly and Tim. And, they had one of the nicest pergolas I have ever seen, built by Kimberly and Tim. I think that Mitch and Dawn really maximized their 1st and 2nd round draft picks, what do you think? Margot, who is that? Why she is the token black person that doesn’t speak or do any work. Michelle, isn’t she the blond? It doesn’t matter, and it doesn’t matter that Mitch was gone to the hospital for 5 hours either, because he had Kimberly and Tim to do all the work for him while he was gone.
The judges decide that the Artisans have “hit one out of the park” with their design and everyone is so happy! Well, not everyone, the Crafty Beavers are already eyeing each other trying to figure out who will be the sacrificial lamb and take the fall for this debacle. I bet it’s Heather, she was the most worthless of the entire bunch. The judges also decide that the best topiary goes to the person that made the derby hat, and that would mean that Kimberly is now back in the game.
Mitch is a little displeased. He confesses that “the piece of thumb that I lost last night has more talent than Kimberly has in her entire body”. Well, that may be so, but life isn’t fair Mitch, and neither are reality TV shows, so get used to it.
Now it is time to see which of the 3 Crafty Beavers is safe, and which two will face the vote in the rock garden. Amy’s topiary was a shoe, and not a very good one. Darlene made an upside down mushroom, or was it right side up and I am just tripping? Whatever the case may be, Heather opted to make hers simple and round, and perfect at that. Can you believe this? After screwing up the entire challenge, this woman is safe from being voted out? Where is the justice? Oh yeah, reality shows are not fair, I remember now.
So can you see the showdown coming? Of the four people that will decide the fate of these 2 women, two of them are known adversaries of Darlene. Heather votes Darlene, Denise votes Amy. Two votes left, I can feel the anticipation. Michael votes Darlene and it is almost like a slap in the face as Darlene is visibly shaken up. Her only hope now is Tom, the Kevin Spacey look alike that was voted out at the hands of Darlene weeks ago. Will he have a change of heart? Or will he nail the coffin closed using a 12 lb craftsmen hammer he purchased at Sears?
Tom votes Darlene, and nails the coffin shut. Darlene cries and is upset that she didn’t stick up for herself more. Oh but revenge is sweet, and vengeance is yours Tom, kings to you.
Next week on Wickedly Perfect, they are now down to the final 5. Déjà vu? Only this time, they mean it. The projects will be individual instead of team, phew that’s good, now that skank Heather won’t slip through the cracks any further. By the end of the episode only 2 will remain. Who will be a Not So, and who will be Wickedly Perfect?
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, Laverne
