LAST EDITED ON 04-13-04 AT 07:45 PM (EST)

Official Mad Mad House Episode 6 Summary
Fasten Your Psychic Seatbelts
and Return Your Trays to Their Upright and Locked Positions;
We’re In For a Bumpy Ride

Previously on Mad Mad House:

Dude hangs in living room.
Rainbow makes Alts happy.
Everyone hates Nichole.
Loana wins immunity.
Tim goes bye-bye.
Five little monkeys are left.

(What? I can’t go free verse this time?)

We Hate You, Redux

After Tim’s elimination, Nichole wonders what Don meant by a ‘psychological cat fight.’ Loana deduces that it must have meant her feeling that Nichole wasn’t genuine. Noel says that when she was in the kitchen with Avocado and he and Eric came in, she wouldn’t shift her attention to them. Now we see the problem, she has been spending too much time with her lips locked on the Alts’ collective a$$ and not enough on Noel and Eric’s! I mean it’s not like her mouth’s not big enough to provide ample coverage to them all, right? Loana says the way Nichole is talking is so shallow that she doesn’t even need floaties to have a conversation with her.

Eric confesses that in a perfect world Nichole would have left in the last Elimination Ceremony and not Tim, proving that his idea of a perfect world is as far out of the mainstream as the Alts’ lifestyles.

To her face he tells her that she puts herself on a pedestal above everybody else and that being an actress/singer who was in a beauty pageant she definitely fits the demographics of a reality show contestant and that she’s just treating it as a beauty pageant. Nichole says she’s sorry he feels that way and that she doesn’t feel like she’s been mean to him at all. He says various Alts have brought it up and they’ve brought it up and there’s a pattern here, not just him. Nichole says she doesn’t think Eric wants to get to know her and that she got to know Jamie really well today. Eric asks her, “It took you ten days to finally have a conversation with somebody that was meaningful? But when it comes to the Alts, it’s like this: <blabbermouth finger motions> everything’s meaningful!” Ziiing! Eric 1, Nichole 0!

Eric confesses that he wants to kick Nichole while she’s down, spit in her eyes and rub her face in the dirt. She has a pulse right now, and it’s time to slit some throats to put an end to that.

Eric: I feel like you have it planned; when you’re happy you have this story to say <moving hand as if in a puppet’s mouth>, when you’re sad you have this story to say <same puppet mouth> (dammit Eric, stop making hand motions, don’t you know how hard this is on summary writers?!?)
Nichole: That’s fine, you can think whatever you want.
Eric: Everything’s fine. Ziiing! Eric 2, Nichole 0!
Nichole: What am I going to do, Eric? Pull my hair out because you guys have a different opinion of you than I do of myself?

Good thing nobody asked her what her opinion of herself was since the Alts weren’t there to tell her! Speaking of the Alts, here they come, right into the middle of the storm. Ta’Shia says, “That sounded like an interesting conversation. Don’t stop on my account!” She sits down as the other Alts come in behind her and asks them to share where they are right now and how they’re feeling. Eric says there was a lot going on before they came in, and he’s not sure if they were able to sweep the carpet clean or not. Well of course not Eric, because you keep piling sh!t on it!

Nichole: Basically we were talking about how they didn’t feel like they really knew me and that I didn’t really know them.
Eric: I feel like she doesn’t really want to get to know us, or actually she said she didn’t have the time to get to know us, and all we’ve had here is time. Ziiiing! Eric 3, Nichole 0!
Fiona: Do you want to know them?
Nichole: I do!
Fiona: Why? (uhoh)

Nichole fumbles around for a bit and finally says we all have deeper parts of our personalities that make us intriguing and make up who we are. Fiona says that she didn’t answer the damn question and repeats “Why do you want to know them?” Nichole flails again for an answer other than ‘because that’s what you want me to do’, trying out “Why wouldn’t I?”, repeating the question “Why do I want to know them?” to stall for time, and finally says that maybe she could learn something from them. Loana smirks, confident in Nichole’s inability to learn anything. Fiona, not about to let up with blood in the water, asks her what she thinks she’s lacking that she needs to learn about. Nichole repeats “What am I lacking?” trying to come up with something other than the obvious ‘nothing, I am the perfect Queen of the Universe’ and says maybe being caught up in herself a little bit too much.

Fiona confesses that she’s still not convinced that Nichole’s being sincere, and is testing her to see what she’s made of and if she’s worthy of the prize they’re offering. I guess it is no surprise that Fiona hasn’t been able to tell yet that none of them are worthy.

Ta’Shia breaks the tension and announces that it’s time to select new roommates. She selects Eric. Avocado selects Loana. Don hums a bit and says they already know whom he’s going to pick. No, we don’t! How would we? Whatever the reason, he picks Jamie, who laughs happily. Art winks and tsks at Noel, who rolls his eyes bashfully. Fiona says she enjoyed Noel staying with her so much that she thinks she’s going to pick Nichole. No, the reasoning makes no sense, but consider the source. She confesses that she picked Nichole because she wanted to find out if she was fake. Considering she was the last one left, I guess it was lucky that she got to “pick” her.

Eric says he hopes Nichole digs her own grave while she’s rooming with Fiona, and that if she can win her over, he thinks he’s screwed.

The next morning, Fiona comes out by the pool to sunbathe with a naked Art and Avocado. The latter says Loana told him that the guests really didn’t want Nichole to win because she was the least altruistic and would use the money selfishly. Fiona says that’s not necessarily a bad thing. Avocado agrees and says she can use the money however she wants.

Fiona says if she’s just an L.A. girl and is comfortable and happy with that she doesn’t want to burn her off, but if she’s not comfortable and happy and is trying to hide from that then, as they all agree, someone’s going to walk out with much more than the money. I try to sort through the tortuous reasoning for the Alts’ eliminating Bonnie for growing too much and keeping Nichole if she’s happy being a fake, shallow girl, and fail miserably. I suppose this is just one of those secrets that we uninitiated to the higher realms of enlightenment inhabited by the Alts are just doomed not to understand. Somehow, I survive nonetheless.

If this stimulating philosophical conversation wasn’t your cup of tea, you can watch this chick in a bikini sitting between two naked guys and rubbing herself with suntan oil.

Fiona confesses that they’re down to five guests and it’s a real core group. She says they’re raising the bar higher and higher and higher every time. I have no idea what this had to do with anything, but there it is.

Just Say No

Avocado has gathered several of the guests and Alts on the lawn to do some yoga. Poor Brent, he would have been okay with this. He says to inhale and come up in the swimmer’s position. Unfortunately none of them decide to give themselves a concussion by diving headfirst into the ground. Noel, Don, and Ta’Shia appear to be the only ones missing. I can see Ta’Shia sitting out, and Don’s probably asleep, but where’s Noel? Also asleep, but more on that momentarily. Eric and Fiona, among others, are apparently hoping for a part in Karate Kid 18 from their forms. You know, the crane, wax, on, wax off, and all that.

12:10 pm, and Noel is still asleep. The other guests are giving each other massages out on the lawn. Fiona’s massaging Avocado, Nichole’s massaging Art, Jamie comes over to massage Fiona while she’s massaging Avocado.

3:00 pm, The yoga marathon is over and Noel is still asleep! Eric says he’s not going to wake him up, and will just let him be.

Ta’Shia, in what appears to be a bumblebee costume, comes to confront Noel. She confesses that she is worried about him because she noticed he had been using cold medicine to help him sleep, and she hates to see someone as talented as Noel not be able to realize his goals.

Ta’Shia: How long have you been using this stuff?
Noel: How did you know?
Ta’Shia: Spy like a butterfly, dress like a bee!
Noel: Umm, right…I don’t use it very often. It’s just that Art snores, and I can’t sleep when someone’s snoring.
Ta’Shia: That’s really not normal.
Noel: I suppose you all are the judges of what’s normal, huh?

Okay, he didn’t really say that. And Ta’Shia? Didn’t really paraphrase Muhammad Ali. But what’s with the animal costumes, really? First a duck, now a bee? Is she compensating for the lack of standard animal imagery in reality television?

Noel (confessional): If the Alts think I’m addicted to cold medicine, I’m not stupid, I’m going to take advantage of that.
Ta’Shia: Do you think you could just totally stop taking everything?
Noel (rubbing chin thoughtfully): I think I can slow it down to moderation. I do want to quit. But I do want to let you know that I’m aware of what you’re saying and want to use this environment in a lot of ways to cleanse my actual physical body.

Ta’Shia nods and mmhms throughout, pleased with the intervention. Noel holds a pad of paper, apparently outlining his twelve-step program with her help.

Noel (in confessional): They’re under the impression that I’m a drug addict. (The fools! I can quit anytime I like!) I can show some ‘remarkable change’ here about how I’m conquering my demons. If they want to perceive it that way, then I’m going to play their misconception right back at them.

Reply Hazy, Try Again Later

We come back from commercial to the following warning: Janet Jackson is entering the Mad Mad House. Parental discretion is advised. Oh wait, it’s something a little less disturbing than Janet Jackson: Don and his creatures of the night. Nevertheless, the scene may be disturbing to you, so make sure it’s okay with your parents for you to read this summary.

But first, Fiona does a tarot reading for Nichole. The first few cards indicate other people putting out her flame (Sorry Nichole, the tribe has spoken). Fiona tells her she needs to let people criticize her and listen to why they do so. The next card is the Hierophant, which she says she hasn’t pulled in a long time. It indicates a trustworthy person, and Fiona takes it as a message to her that Nichole is indeed trustworthy with a strong set of morals and beliefs. Ooh, sorry Eric, we’re going to have to take away a goal on that one. That makes it The Star 2, The Hierophant 1. Fiona? Still at zero.

Nichole gushes with joy and relief and assorted brak brak brakage in confessional.

Ta’Shia comes into the dining room and tells the other Alts that Noel has been taking cold medicine to go to sleep. Avocado says he thinks he needs to help himself. Oops, don’t you hate it when the person you’re gossiping about comes in and overhears? Avocado says Noel is right on time though, and asks him to sit down. Fiona asks him if he’s having trouble sleeping. Lady, in this house, with this bunch of freaks (not to mention you Alts), that’s only natural! I’d be more concerned if he wasn’t having trouble sleeping!

Noel says he’s been taking something he’s aware that he should not to help him sleep. Fiona tells him that time here is relatively limited, and it would be a shame if he slept all day because he out of everyone could get a lot out of this. I’m not sure if this is a backhanded compliment or what.

Noel assures them that he really does want to get a lot out of the experience, and that’s why he shared with Ta’Shia, who confirms that he came up to her before she had even really gotten into it. That’s not what it seemed like to me, but oh well.

He confesses again that the Alts have gathered the impression that he is addicted to a nighttime medicine to help him sleep. Since they are looking for change and growth, all he has to do is show them that he’s not taking it anymore. “It’s not going to be too hard to quit, let’s put it that way.”

He tells the Alts that he’s using this as a detox. Fiona says “physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.” It sounds like Welcome Week back when I was a freshman in college. Except with Vampires and stuff. Noel agrees, saying “The whole thing. The whole nine yards.” He assures them that he is really trying.

Cut to a full moon. Where is this house, that the moon is always full? By tracking these moon phases over the course of the show, we can establish either they haven’t really been there 10 days, or they’ve been there several months. Whatever the case, this oddity in the space-time continuum only reinforces that this house is indeed both mad and mad.

I Vant To Suck Your Blud

The guests enter the living room, where the Alts, including Don and his sycophants have already gathered. Don welcomes them to their first glimpse into his lifestyle and tells them he’s going to get back to what they’re probably expecting from him – things like bloodletting and energy manipulation. He asks for anyone that wants to enter their circle to please do so now, but not to take it lightly. They all do so, some more hesitantly than others. Don introduces his goth fangirl assistants from the scifi.com forum, Anthrax and Smallpox. Well, I’m not really so sure Anthrax is a girl. But they both have really bad hairdos, even worse than Fiona’s nappy mop. Do they think they’re gorgons with their snake-like braids? Actually, between the white makeup and the way they don't say anything, they resemble really scary mimes more than anything else.

He asks if anyone would like to volunteer to be drained completely. Noel confesses that he was skeptical of the whole thing and wanted to figure it out for himself and so volunteers. Eric confesses, “better Noel than me.” Don circles around him predatorily and summons his minions. He tells him to relax, but if he wanted that, he might have tried to look a little less like, well, a bloodthirsty vampire. Don lunges forward and I can’t decide if he wants to be Bela Lugosi or Leonard Nimoy. I think her was trying for the Vulcan Mind Meld, but ended up with the Vulcan Nerve Pinch, making Noel collapse as if his knees were jelly.

Loana confesses that she was scared for Noel because she thought it was real. She says she’s not sure if all of his energy was drained or what, but something had made him collapse. Ta’Shia looks on with an intent glower, shaking her whupass voodoo staff.

Don asks someone to grab him a soda and Eric runs to obey. Hey, if soda will replenish lost energy, why doesn’t Don try drinking that instead of blood? I’m sure he could get a great promotional spot. “RC Cola: The vampire’s soft drink of choice! When even blood’s not enough!” Or how about Don saying “Gatorade: Is it in you?” and licking his lips?

Don prances a bit and says he has such a rush. Meanwhile, poor Noel’s stuck with what looks to be a Diet Sprite. Diet? Come on Eric! Even the real thing has no caffeine!

Don returns to his seat and broaches the subject of blood, rubbing his hands together in glee. Fiona nervously bites her fingernail. He tells them they will be witness to a bloodletting and that he will be ingesting actual human blood. He summons Smallpox and drools over her nice, juicy veins. Pulling out a syringe, he separates the parts and exhibits them dramatically as if a magician. I need an assistant from the audience. Please confirm these are real and that there is nothing up my sleeves.

He informs them that they will see a “whole new me” for a few days, which is how long the charge will last him. He inserts the needle and draws Smallpox’s blood. Jamie confesses that it was disgusting and that she thought she was going to throw up. Don squirts the blood into a cup, describing it in a disturbing falsetto as rich and creamy. He passes the cup in front of the guests’ eyes so that they might confirm that it is indeed real. The Amazing Don declares that for his next trick he will make the blood disappear! By drinking it! He tells the kids not to try this at home because a normal person would vomit it up.

He quaffs the liquid, holding the cup inches over his head and letting it drip into his mouth, and then licking the glass clean with his tongue vigorously.

Don confesses that when he was drinking the blood, he could feel what Smallpox was feeling, that her excitement transferred over to him. He says that certain chemicals within the bloodstream actually promote certain feelings. I’m as disillusioned with Vampires at this moment as I was in The Phantom Menace when they used midichlorians to demystify the Force. Oh, the humanity!

Don whirls around and heads back to his seat. Fiona is giggling hysterically and can’t even look at him. Nichole says that if someone had done that during her ritual she would have freaked out. Eric said that between Fiona laughing, Avocado doing “God knows what,” Art watching very seriously, Ta’Shia wearing a look that could kill, and Don drinking blood, it was all very intense, yet very uneasy. Penalty for improper use of conjunction!

Don says this concludes their ceremony and asks them to leave. The guests file out, followed by the Alts, while Don and his cronies sit around drinking blood and necking. The human version, not the vampire version, at least I think so.

The Alts, sans Don, congregate in another room and discuss what just happened.

Ta’Shia: He opened the gateways of Life and Death. There was a lot of energy in the room, and when he opened up her vein like that, that’s like a sacrificial rite. (Uhoh, gateways of Life and Death. I think I read this in a bad fantasy novel)
Fiona (sighs): I don’t know what to say to Don anymore.
Avocado: It’s part of Don’s trip that he doesn’t hold the space. It’s like releasing energies into this dimension and he doesn’t care how they spin off. (hehe, he said “trip”)
Fiona: It’s so messy and so irresponsible. (yeah, bloodstains are so hard to get out)

Fiona (confessional): I’ll be blunt, I disapprove. I think it was irresponsible and reckless what he did to Noel without setting a sacred space (I’m sure having Noel lay down on an altar or something would have made him way more comfortable), I think it was irresponsible and reckless that he didn’t tell the Alts what he was doing (because how were we to know what he meant by “drinking blood” and “draining energy”?).

Art: It defeats everything that we’ve strived so hard for. He shouldn’t have done that to that person.

Meanwhile, the Norms are having their own little powwow.

Noel: It’s hard enough they’ve been calling me lazy, now I got my energy drained by a vampire. It’s not going to help my image. (because the unkempt hair, five o’clock shadow, wrinkled clothes, and those huge aviator sunglasses you were wearing at Don’s ritual? Are so in)
Jamie: Oh my God <click>

Loana says she doesn’t know why Fiona started laughing. Noel and Nichole agree, the latter saying maybe she was nervous. Eric says it made him really uneasy and that if Don had done that during her ceremony she would have been wild. If one of them wasn’t taking it seriously, they would have been gone.

Back in the Alts’ room, they are also addressing the issue.

Avocado: You were like hilariously laughing.
Fiona: That was not natural laughter, I don’t laugh like that. I don’t! You know I don’t laugh like that, you know what my laugh is. I don’t laugh like that at all. (That’s it, deny it a few more times, maybe it will stick)

Fiona (voice over replay of Don twirling and Fiona laughing): Now at face value, that might look like I was laughing at Don, or thinking what he was doing was ridiculous, which was not the case. Was I channeling some kind of spirit energy? I don’t know, I just…things have been very, very, very intense here recently.

Oh, I guess that spirit just popped by to say “Haha, look at this ridiculous goth kid playing at vampire, and not even as well as Brad Pitt!”

The other Alts conclude that they need to smudge everything in the house with sage to dispel the negative energy.

Avocado (confessional): Herbs are a psychic seatbelt. They help to control the energy that is going on. (hehe, he said “herbs”)

They smudge each other, they smudge the hallways, they smudge the door posts, they smudge the candelabra, the bathroom, the beds, the couches, the fish tank….the fish tank?

Avocado says “There was such an intense dimensional doorway of chaos brought right into the middle of that house that just to walk away from that and go to sleep would be totally absurd, and actually inappropriate. So we just decided we needed to smudge the whole house.” They smudge the Norms and a good-natured Don while Noel skeptically voice overs that they were smudging everyone because they didn’t want anyone to take away any negative energy. Since Noel didn’t have any energy, I guess he got to skip the whole thing.

The four alliance mates walk by Fiona, standing in her bedroom, acting like a little upset princess, as Eric puts it, pretending like she didn’t know what happened. The girls stay, but Eric and Noel keep on walking, refusing to listen to her halfassed story.

Outside, Noel tells Eric he’s told Fiona off at least 17 times in his head today. He hates that she claims to be so perceptive and so psychic, and she’s not even observing correctly! That sound you heard was the collective snicker of all of America in agreement and appreciation that there are reality contestants that aren’t total morons. Even if the hosts continue to be. Eric confesses that things are starting to boil, boil, toil and trouble, and Noel says if he gets eliminated, he’s going out in a blaze of glory.

Let’s Get Naked

The next morning, Noel tells Ta’Shia that he doesn’t think he really has an addiction and so he doesn’t need the medication anymore. He thinks that if he can prove he’s not addicted and say “here, take it” that will help his Honesty Stock, which is the one thing the Alts really want. Ta’Shia says if he’s not addicted, he doesn’t need to give it up, and so lets him keep it. Noel thanks her, and she says she is proud of him and tells him good luck tonight.

Avocado comes and gives them each a bag of clothes containing four garments, instructing them to take everything else off, including bras and underwear, and then put on the new clothes. Noel is late to the party but assures them all he wasn’t sleeping. Nichole, very uncharacteristically for her L.A. persona, says she’s never happy to get new clothes here, because it means they’re going to get jacked with.

Reconvening outside, Avocado welcomes them to his trial as fellow cult members. Okay, that’s just a little creepy. In his first trial, they got comfortable being around nudity; in this trial, they are going to get comfortable being nude. He cheerfully says “Let’s Get Naked!” And Noel asks if he should whip it out right now. Nice.

The winner of the trial gets the usual three things: immunity from elimination, inclusion in the Alts’ deliberations, and the tie-breaking vote should it be needed.

The trial is basically a strip scavenger hunt. Avocado will show them several species of plants, and the guests will have two minutes to find that item. Each time they find the correct item in the allotted time, they will have to take off an item of clothing (an honor and a privilege, he tells them), to continue to the next round. The winner will be the person left standing completely nude. Of course the challenge isn’t designed to be difficult, with all the items about ten feet from them and within plain sight, so as to have as many naked people as possible, one could assume. Why wasn’t there a special advisory warning for this segment?

The first item is, appropriately, a fig leaf. A much bigger fig leaf than the one Eric offered Avocado a few weeks back. Avocado strikes a cowbell and the contestants race off and down a set of stairs into a lower level of the yard. They all pluck a leaf from the tree at the base of the stairs and return.

Avocado instructs them to remove their hats, and does so himself as well. Eric is jumping around, staring at Noel’s a$$ (okay, that was just an unfortunate pause of the tape), basically looking like he’s on some of Avocado’s “herbs.” The second item is a bay leaf plant, about 18 inches tall. Noel returns well ahead of everyone else, moonwalking back to the starting line. The others take a bit more time, but manage to find it as well.

The next item of clothing they remove is their pants. The next plant to find is blue aloe vera, about 6 inches tall. They all run off holding their robes to keep them…and certain other things…from flapping in the wind. Nevertheless, a few blurry circles have to be deployed already. Everyone completes this stage of the trial as well, and Avocado instructs them to remove their cloaks, leaving them completely naked, but he will allow them to use their fig leaves.

One by one, he goes down the line asking them to get naked. Nichole and Jamie throw off their cloaks, the latter saying she is comfortable with her body, but it was still a little hard to get nude. Loana decides she doesn’t want to do it. Avocado tells her $100,000 is on the line, and she says she understands, but, in confessional, says it didn’t matter how much money it was for. Noel thinks it will be interesting to see how that effects the Alts’ decision. He and Eric also doff their cloaks.

The final plant is a horsetail. The blurry circle department is earning their keep even with the assistance of fig leaves. Jamie says she didn’t look down at the guys. Nichole says they were so focused that no one cared they were running around in the buff. While they are all searching, Avocado yells that the first person to find the horsetail will win the trial. Nichole grabs a plant, but it’s not the right one! Everyone resumes searching – don’t get your ding-a-ling caught there Eric! (as my girl Sandra would say (except without the “don’t”)) – but Nichole is the first person again, this time with the correct plant. She dances naked in celebration.

Back at the house, Eric and Nichole jump in the pool naked, and Eric confesses that during the trial he didn’t get a good look at the girls naked, but at the hot tub, they didn’t look too bad without their clothes. Don approaches the group in the hot tub, declaring it the best day ever (you act like you’re surprised that’s the first time he’s seen a girl, or a guy, or whichever way he swings, naked), and Jamie and Nichole flash him. The guys tell them to do a “connect four” which consists of them pressing naked breasts together. Sheesh, I feel like I’m writing soft-core porn here.

Jamie and Nichole go into the house, and Loana confides in the boys that she thinks by the way the Alts reacted to Nichole’s victory that they think she’s going to win it all. Eric is concerned that it will come down to a tiebreaker between he and Loana, with Nichole casting the tie-breaking vote against him. Uhoh, The Star 2, The Hierophant 2. We’re going to overtime!

“Meaningful” Indecision

The Alts and Nichole gather for deliberation. They begin talks with Jamie. Ta’Shia says she hasn’t done anything to make her say “Wow, look at this growth.” Fiona says she enjoys having her and would miss her terribly, but wonders if she has made as many breakthroughs as some of the others, and wants to honor what they have done. Somewhere in America, Bonnie just threw her television out the window.

Moving on to Noel, Avocado says that he would put a neckalce around his neck if he saw more procrastination, laziness, or sleeping in from him, but today he looked great, and so won some favor from him. Ta’Shia says she was concerned about him going through the draining ceremony, but thinks he needed to be emptied out completely in order to be reborn. Don nods in agreement and perhaps appreciation. Fiona of course disagrees. She says he didn’t need to be emptied the way he was and that it was irresponsible, and that it didn’t have any positive effect on him at all. Don says he’s going to be sure not to knock anybody for anything that they do. Oh, snap! He sneers at Fiona as he says that like it or not, everyone knew and was agreed upon what was going to happen, and that whether right or wrong, things happened, but that Noel had persevered and kept himself intact. He says that was his test, to give him a chance to feel his soul. Fiona shakes her head throughout.

Loana laments that the four unsafe guests are so close and that one of them will have to go. Jamie says she wishes one of them were immune and not Nichole. Eric thinks he’s going, but if so is going to make sure the Alts know he thinks Nichole is fake and try to make sure she doesn’t take the money back to Malibu.

On the subject of Eric, Ta’Shia thinks that he has a spiritual connection that he didn’t have before entering the house, but the question is what he’s going to do with it. Art thinks that if he was to win all the progress they have made with him would be put on the back burner. Fiona disagrees again, saying the opposite may happen, and that she thinks tremendous progress has been made and that while he enjoyed being the life of the party before, he’s enjoying being the life of his own party now. Whatever the hell that means. I almost feel sorry for her; she’s still so obviously smitten by him, and is completely oblivious to the fact that he is so over her. Fiona asks Nichole what she thinks. She says she does think he’s made a lot of progress, but she sees Art’s point about possible regression. Flashback to Loana last week telling the Alts that Nichole’s opinion was whatever the Alts wanted to hear. Way to disprove her Nichole!

Fiona moves on to Loana, perhaps disgruntled with anything less than total agreement in regards to her boy toy. Avocado says he’s done with goody-goodies, and some other stuff about being a soul and taking it on. I thought he wanted her to take it off? I’m so confused. Don says she made a choice not to take her clothing off, and was unwilling to see the money go to a child who is not living for themself. Since taking your clothes off is a prerequisite for living for yourself. Fiona disagrees again, saying she respected Loana for not taking her clothes off, that it was just not what she’s about.

Fiona asks Nichole who she would like to see leave, and Nichole says it sounds like Loana would be the one to leave, but that’s just listening to all of them. Think for yourself much there, Nichole?

After kicking her out they all bemoan how tough, tough, tough, tough, tough this decision is. Ta’Shia says she is torn because they all have come so far and have something sacred inside them. She doesn’t know which way to go this time. Fiona says this is the toughest decision yet and thinks maybe they should consider doing something a little different. Art says they need to get inside their heads somehow.

The clock strikes midnight, and the guests line up by the pool in the rain. Avocado tells them tonight’s Elimination Ceremony will be a little bit different. The Alts will not cast their votes for elimination by putting their necklaces around the neck of their target. He tells Nichole to join the group, and then calls the Alts forward. Each Alt lines up in front of a Norm, and takes their necklace off; Don in front of Loana, Ta’Shia in front of Eric, Avocado in front of Jamie, Art in front of Noel, and Fiona in front of Nichole. Avocado tells them that they will be voting to eliminate a fellow guest. Nichole looks about to break into tears, but unfortunately she is still immune.

Avocado tells Loana to cast her vote first. She regretfully approaches Noel and puts her necklace around his neck. Eric is next, and he steps forward, kneels down, and puts his head in his hands before Avocado again tells him to cast his vote. He slowly stands up and adds his necklace to Loana’s around Noel’s neck. Jamie steps forward at Avocado’s instruction, pauses, and casts the third vote against Noel.

All three look quite tortured by the decision, but it was the smart thing to do. Loana, going first, made the smart move by voting for the last person in line, who wouldn’t be able to retaliate in time. Eric, by following, assured that only one more vote needed to be added to keep himself safe. Jamie made the logical move by striking the death blow, saving everyone that went before.

Noel, his fate already decided, casts his vote for Eric, clapping him on the shoulders. Nichole steps forward and tells Noel she won’t put her necklace around his neck, because she never would have done that to begin with. Jamie narrows her eyes and shakes her head in disgust at Nichole’s obvious play for approval with the Alts. She tells them that she doesn’t want to vote anyone off, and Jamie snipes back with “none of us did, you fake beeyotch.” Nichole, saying it’s only for decoration, places her necklace around Loana’s neck. Fiona responds with a whispered, overly dramatic “My God!”

Avocado tallies the vote: Loana 1, Eric 1, Noel 3. He asks Noel to step forward, and the Alts step forward to meet him. He says he has received three necklaces from his fellow houseguests and asks how he feels. Noel says “I feel okay. It’s a game; they had to do what they had to do.” Avocado pauses and tells him he has NOT been eliminated. Noel looks around wide-eyed. “We are the Alts. We are the only ones who can select who will be eliminated and who will stay.” He tells Noel to rejoin the group. No one will be eliminated, but he thanks everyone for telling them how they feel about each other. Uh, no. See my rant above, Einstein. And the one below:

What?! A freaking non-elimination episode? No meaningless pap from the Alts while bestowing their necklaces on a woefully too-normal Norm? No bitter final words? How am I supposed to work with this? To leave you with Jamie’s very apropos final thoughts on the matter: “****!”

On the other hand, I have been inexcusably lax in including Bebo in my past few summaries, so a brief aside to conclude: first I get to join your Hate Mail Club, now I’m in the Non-elimination Club! I’m so proud! *tear*

- going for the record for longest summary title ever
- edited for typos that will never entirely be eliminated