LAST EDITED ON 03-15-04 AT 05:45 PM (EST)

Official Mad Mad House Episode 2 Summary – My Big Fat Obnoxious Virgin Strikes Back

Previously on Mad Mad House:

Ten little TOPs in over their heads,
Doing voodoo and in a pool blood red.
Brent won immunity and so he said,
“No more Hamin jumping on the bed.”

This week, nine little TOPs remain. Who will be voted out tonight?

Returning from the Elimination Ceremony, Brent discusses with the other NOP’s how much it sucked having to break the Alts’ tie and choose between Loana and Hamin, two of his best friends in the house. Of course, he’s got the hots for Loana, so it wasn’t that hard.

Kelly comforts Loana, who is upset because she received two necklaces. Loana confesses that the elimination was a wake-up call for her, because she thought she had been open to the Alts. Except for the not participating in anything bit, you know. She says hopefully now she’ll have more time to learn about them and they’ll get a chance to know her.

Meanwhile, Kelly whispers to Eric that if they get rid of Nichole, she can get more attention. She hates how Nichole’s always taking the damn stage and will never shut her fat mouth. Pot, kettle, black. About the fat mouth, and the never shutting it part. Of course, there’s all kinds of other fat jokes I could make, about how it’s not Nichole’s fault Kelly’s so big that she can’t fit on the stage when someone else is on it, but that would be rude, so I won’t.

MBFOV is drunk and getting in an argument with Nichole about how she’s a b!tch and just keeps talking, and talking, and talking, and talking. Kinda like she is right now. In MBFOV’s defense, Nichole does talk. A lot. Jamie stirs the pot…or the kettle…or whichever Kelly is, by saying she talks a lot too. Kelly is shocked that anyone would say such a thing. Jamie says you can’t live in glass houses, and you can’t judge a book by first impressions. And you can’t make a summary without breaking a few aphorisms, but fortunately, DAWs will always comply.

Eric confesses Kelly’s crazy with a few drinks in her, and if her boyfriend wants to wipe the V off MBFOV, he just needs to get her drunk. Kelly says she doesn’t think it makes her any less of a Christian to get drunk every once in a while, and it doesn’t hurt anyone, and it’s no big deal. If you say so, but I’ve always contended that God invented alcohol for the entertainment of those of us who don’t drink. Case in point: your getting down on all fours, barking, and chasing the dog around.

The Alts enter, and Don announces that it’s time to choose new roommates. Basically, everyone that wasn’t chosen last time will have to spend the night with an Alt this time. Don chooses Noel, who looks uncomfortable. Avocado chooses Jamie, because they both like to get naked. Ta’Shia chooses Tim, Fiona chooses Loana because they have most of the same letters in their names, and Art chooses Bonnie, who gives him a hug and kiss. They all retire to their chambers at Don’s word, but this group apparently wasn’t as entertaining as the first, because we see very little of their interactions and sleeping arrangements.

The next day, Tim goes out to the pool to eat his lunch to find not only Art, but also Avocado, lounging around naked. He asks them if tomorrow they’ll have Don out there with them. Avocado says no one wants to see that, but anyway it would have to be under the full moon, which is still a few days away. Tim says when they get Ta’Shia and Fiona out there naked, he’ll join them.

Later, the NOPs are gathered on the lawn, and Fiona, apparently the only Alt allowed to dress normally, hands them each a pen and scroll on which they are to write something that makes them very angry or scared. That night, they bring their scrolls with them to Fiona’s Wiccan ritual. Wearing a white, feathery, low-cut dress with a pentagram inscribed in an open circle baring her midsection, she intones “I conjure thee circle, so that you may be a boundary between the everyday and the eternal flame.” Oh great, now she’s talking to circles.

“The breath that we share, we call on the element of Air in the East. The molten core of our planet, we call on the element of Fire in the South. The rivers, the lakes, the oceans, we call on the element of Water in the West. The mountains, we call on the element of Earth in the North.”

Fiona tells them that if they are prepared, she wants them to join her in a circle within the circle – an inner circle, if you will. I think she’s been listening to too many of Don’s microcosm/macrocosm spiels. But once they enter the inner circle, they cannot leave. Eric looks like he can’t wait to enter her inner circle. She threatens those who enter the inner circle with a sword, which seems counter productive to me, but who am I to question? Brent and Loana are the only ones that decline to enter.

Fiona instructs the seven remaining to place their scrolls in the basket, and she declares that they have to share with the rest of the class. That’ll teach them to pass notes on her watch. She reads the first scroll, “I’m afraid of everyone making fun of me. I’m afraid of being left alone because the whole world is laughing at me.” She asks who would like to step forward and claim this scroll, which is entirely unnecessary, because even the dog knows its Kelly’s.

MBFOV joins Fiona and explains that she feels this way because she was made fun of as a kid, and is afraid people here don’t like her. Perhaps someone should tell her that going on a reality television show is NOT the way to not have people make fun of you? Maybe its just me. Fiona asks Kelly to release her fear, and she begins to shake, contort her face, and finally lets loose three primal harpy shrieks. Fiona hugs her, throws the scroll in the fire, and says her fear is released. Eric says Kelly is trying to win an Academy Award and just wants attention, and that he feels sorry for her.

The next scroll belongs to Eric, and reads “Being able to stand on my own two feet.” Apparently he feels that telling everyone else to F*** off will somehow solve his problem, so he raises his hands to the sky, flips a double bird, and shouts “F*** off!!!” Fiona is not impressed, and tells him to do it with feeling this time. Eric, in confessional, says that he feels this is all ridiculous. But Fiona won’t proceed until he does it. He gathers himself and lets loose a dozen F-bombs. I bet he feels so much better now.

The next scroll reads, “Hypocrisy, cruelty, child abuse, hatred.” Nichole claims it and explains that her parents are divorced, and while they were trying to work things out, people from her church came and counseled them, and that she hated those people. Trying to save a relationship is certainly an ignoble thing to do, isn’t it? How’s this: I hate you because you spell your name with an H. Oh, look, H stands for Hypocrisy. Now shut up and snivel off camera somewhere. Fiona says she needs to forgive those people, even though we still haven’t discovered what they’ve done that needs forgiveness. Anyway, Nichole oh so graciously does so, and her scroll is burned in the fire as she gets her release.

Noel is next. He fears people discovering a six-inch scar on his stomach that resulted from life-saving surgery on his kidneys as a child. Fiona asks him to show everyone his scar, and wow, it’s a serious scar. His stomach looks more like his back, with a deep vertical scar up the middle. Fiona asks, “Wouldn’t we all agree Noel’s scar is beautiful?” I wouldn’t go that far, but I give him major credit for making himself vulnerable like that. The others do a half-convincing job of saying it is beautiful, and we get a creepy (as always) shot of Don nodding enthusiastically. Seriously, it wouldn’t make me shudder any more if he were licking his lips. Noel’s scroll goes into the fire.

Bonnie and Tim’s scrolls, by some mysterious Wiccan magic, wind up on the cutting room floor, and Fiona next addresses Brent and Loana, telling them that they are trapped by their fear, and if they let fear rule their lives they will miss out on all the wonders the house has to offer them. Oooh, see them tremble in fear! See them miss the wonderful wonders!

Ta’Shia confesses that Brent and Loana have historically (since twice makes history) bowed out of rituals when they get too intense, and that one of them should be eliminated.

Fiona then brings the ritual to a close by singing the names of goddesses (which may be legit, but seemed kinda goofy), and leading the NOPs (I guess the SOPs in this case) to throw their hands in the air and shout “Wheeee!”

Back in the house, MBFOV says she’s afraid people might have thought she was being fake, because she’s a screamer (I hope her boyfriend is still taking notes). Art reassures her that he felt it was genuine, and that he thought something primal came out of her. She confesses that she feels she is right for this house because her mind is open. I think that her open mind, like her open mouth, is only attracting flies.

Brent awkwardly tries to convince Fiona and the other Alts that them watching is a sign of respect. Eric makes fun of his and Loana’s “pity story.”

Around the dinner table, Art is discoursing about piercings, and says that males can have more because they can pierce their scrotums. Kelly is shocked that people actually do that. Tim tells her she’s not that naïve and that she’s a bad actress. Kelly leaves the room, comes back, and goes off on him about who is he to judge her, and that he shouldn’t judging people and she thinks it’s wrong. My impending-irony meter just broke.

Tim asks, “How did I judge you?” Ummm, maybe by saying she was pretending to be naïve and was a bad actress? He goes on to say she shouldn’t jump to conclusions, there was no judgement, and when Kelly says she’s not going to argue with him, that he never was arguing to begin with. That was fun.

Art counsels her to let it go, but the confrontation is not quite over before Tim is an a$$ again and sends Kelly over the edge, screaming at him that she doesn’t want to talk to him, she doesn’t want him to talk to her, or about her behind her back.

Avocado says he thinks it shows she’s not quite stable (haha) but that Tim also has a problem controlling his mouth. He and Art conference and say that she just threw the ritual right out the window. You know what they say, what happens in the circle stays in the circle.

Kelly goes outside and tells those of the NOPs in the hot tub what happened. Nichole, for once saying something sensible, says she controls how much she lets people get to her. She’d rather not talk about it, and storms off. Jamie thinks she’s just really high strung for her age. Dr. Eric’s prescription? “She needs to get laid,” and he tries to get Brent to take one for the team.

The immunity challenge is a naturist’s twigs and berries match game. Twenty of Avocado’s friends stand naked on the lawn, save loincloths which hide pictures of tasty raw snacks. Each contestant in turn must ask two of them to show their goods and try to make a match. Avocado says, “If God had meant us to be nude, we would have been born that way.” The winner will be the person who can best concentrate in the presence of nudity.

Kelly says she doesn’t think they’ll let her back in the convent. Loana makes the first match. Eric quite eagerly participates, but Bonnie refuses to take part and will not be safe from the Elimination Ceremony. Brent, Nichole, and Tim tie Loana with a pair apiece. Eager Eric picks Wheatgrass, but can’t remember where he’s seen it before and fails to match. Kelly and Noel get on the board with a pair each. Nichole makes her second pair to take the lead, and Jamie gets her first to move into a tie for second. Tim gets his second pair to tie Nichole, but makes fun of the size of the blade of wheatgrass one of them is sporting, which rubs several of the NOPs and Alts the wrong way. Eric finally gets a pair, but only because they’re the last two left.

Because Nichole and Tim both have two pair, we go to a tiebreaker. Avocado’s friends retreat into the forest where they swap loincloths, and ten of them return and form a line. They have to take turns trying to find the person with the avocado under his loincloth. Nichole guesses correctly on her first try to win the challenge and immunity.

The Alts begin their deliberations with Nichole. Don begins with Loana and more brak brak brak about opening oneself to wonders. Fiona says it’s hard because she’s incredibly conservative, which is okay though. Avocado asks if that is what they are looking for, and says he thinks people should let it all hang out (apparently quite literally, hehe).

Fiona says she was shocked that Bonnie didn’t participate in Avocado’s challenge, and that it makes her wonder what else she won’t participate in.

Ta’Shia commends Noel’s courage in sharing his personal pain with the world.

Avocado and Art discuss Tim’s overbearing conversation, and how he won’t let anyone get a word edge in wise (sic). Avocado says he’s slip-sliding into the danger zone.

Eric, Jamie, and Brent (I think, though it’s hard to tell in the dark) discuss Kelly and how no one’s really getting along with her. They think the Alts might keep her because they see her as a project. Art says she’s “drama, drama, drama” and that he thinks this is a struggle for her. Fiona thinks she’s doing the best she can with what she has and would like to keep her a bit longer. Brent and Eric discuss what Nichole might do if it comes down to a tie. Eric wants her to cast a vote for Kelly. Brent is afraid it might be him and Loana.

Don says he’d like to see more out of Brent. Ta’Shia wonders who Brent is, that she doesn’t know much about him except that he comes from a pretty good family, he’s the oldest, he’s a Christian, his favorite color is blue, his birthday is October 9th, and his social security number is 456-78-9123. She gives him the “hammer” – he has to grow or go, which is quickly becoming this show’s “The tribe has spoken,” or “You are the weakest link. Goodbye”

Avocado says that whoever wins the prize is going to walk out transformed at their soul level. Ta’Shia smiles and nods agreement. Don (creepily, of course) says “Oh yes they are.”

The clock strikes midnight, and the NOPs file out of the Mad Mad House for the Eviction Ceremony. Ta’Shia leads tonight. She casts the first vote by placing her necklace around Kelly’s neck, going all Galadriel on her, saying “May these beads be a light for you when all other lights go out.” That’s one vote Kelly.

Don gives his necklace to Brent, saying “When I place this necklace upon your neck, may it serve as an embrace.” Whatever. Brent rightfully looks like its more a kick in the teeth. That’s one vote Kelly, one vote Brent.

Avocado psychs Bonnie out before voting for Loana, saying “May this necklace be a symbol to you of the transformation that is possible in one human soul." That’s one vote Kelly, one vote Brent, one vote Loana.

Fiona votes for Tim because he imposes himself on others and doesn’t listen enough. That’s one vote Kelly, one vote Brent, one vote Loana, one vote Tim!

And the second person voted out of the tribe…

Kelly! Art gives her his necklace with more brak brak brak about light and hoping they lead her to find the inner beauty within herself. She just can’t do it here.

Kelly glares at him, saying in her final words that she cannot believe he would do that to her. She breaks into hysterical tears, but sorry honey, that ain’t gonna change anything. Bonnie and Brent give her a hug. These are the BEST.FINAL.WORDS.EVER. OMH! “Bleeping freak with tattoos! These people are freaks of nature! They have no right to tell me how to live my life.” Maybe (Don at least for sure), maybe not, but wow. I really can’t improve on something so over-the-top.

She tells them she doesn’t want their little ceremony and would like to leave with dignity. Which she might have done had she not just bawled her eyes out. Or gotten drunk and barked like a dog. But I won’t tell you how to live your life. Ta’Shia asks her to step forward. More from MBFOV’s final words: “Iya Ta’Shia, she’s a freak. I’m not interested in her stupid Voodooism.”

Ta’Shia says they will honor her request not to give her a releasing ceremony, but that they ask her to give her necklaces to Nichole. She does so, glaring at Art. If looks could kill… Ta’Shia asks her to leave at once, and she storms off. “Getting eliminated makes me paranoid, like I’m back in school and no one likes me, waah! But (and finally she’s coming in off the ledge) I know it’s something I have to work on and let go.”

Farewell, MBFOV.

- Edit to say thanks to Swami for sharing with me, and for the TOP and MBFOV acronyms.