LAST EDITED ON 01-12-08 AT 12:15 PM (EST)

A Champ, a Chump, and a CWhimp

Celebrity Apprentice, Episode 2

Previously on Celebrity Apprentice

We get some overblown narration: “This season, on Celebrity Apprentice: 14 Celebrities, 15 egos, and more drama than even they can handle. Gone are the agents, gone are the assistants.” It’s the Battle of the Has-beens to raise money for their charities. Didn’t CBS and the NFL give up on this idea a long time ago? How many people can Donald make chimps out of? Circle as many as may apply.

Who’s your Daddy?

The above pic is in case anybody forgot WHO this show is about. Ohsobadda, aka the Black Rose of Hateful Agony (for those of us watching), skated away clean from her horrible project manager performance selling hotdogs on the streets of NYC because TheDonald likes her. The women got whomped by the rich celebrity friends of the let’s-play-name-dropper men – particular Gene Simmons. You know you’re an ego-driven psuedo-celebrity when you get to have just one name. I’ll grant her some smarts: she brought someone-who-cannot-be-blamed in Marilu Henner, and a whimpy Playboy Bunny back to the boardroom table for judgment day. And she interrupted and attacked left and right.

Piers Morgan tried to get her goat, demonstrating he’s going to be the antagonist on the male side. “She’s mixing it with the big boys, and it ain’t gonna be pretty.” I’m sure that’s not the first time he got a drink splashed at him.

Gene held back with his ego for at least one episode, granting Project Manager duties to Stephen Baldwin, who, amazingly, demonstrated competence. TheDon picked as his next victim instead of the deserving Ohsobadda the way too frail for this crowd Playboy Playmate of the Year, Tiffany Fallon, saying “your boobs and airbrushed skin won’t get you through this corporate ego torture chamber. Back to the compfy cushions with you. I know The Hef, and you’re not bimbo golddigger enough for The Hef.” So the men won, getting $69 grand or so for Stephen’s mom’s-named (Carol M. Baldwin) breast cancer charity (as Chairwoman of the Board of that foundation, she gets paid at least that a year, I’d bet). Also Ohsobadda proved she has no chance at continuing her contrived “Reality TV Star” persona on Project Runway or anything where fashion sense is required. She even dressed her team in atrocious red white and blue crap, although the hot dog between the breasts on the front of the t-shirts was a nice phallic touch.

Then Previously on Pimping Celebrity Apprentice

The Donald showed up on Regis Howie & Kelly on rival ABC to promote himself, and by the way, season 7 of his and Evil Producer Mark Burnett’s Apprentice franchise, C-list Celebrity version. He talked about how he’s screwing with ‘em all. (He did everything but wring his hands together and cackle with glee.) He said that there are lots of egos, but none to match his. And that, of course, Ohsobadda is evil incarnate, but he likes her. At least he stopped short of saying it was like looking in the mirror. That Gene the womanizer hit on his daughter or the women opponents team – which he didn’t, unless punches to the ego count. And that they haven’t filmed the final few episodes, either because NBC may cancel the series, or he wants to keep the suspense up and see who he can whimsically fire for no real good reason to keep the ratings up.

In case you forgot who this show is really about. Cue the cool quick-paced musical montage to “Money Money Money.” There are quick-cut shots of money-laden stuff, and faces of the players that tell us they’re really serious about this. "Money can drive some people out of their mind. Money. Boom." By the way, I fell asleep and missed 30 Rock; didn’t miss another Baldwin, though. Got woken up by a kiss a few minutes before the show, which is the last time we’ll see any sexual energy on this channel for a while.

No Calling in Rich Friend Favors This Time

Here’s my ego list

“Who likes animals?” asks TheDon in the lobby of, of course, The Trump Tower, as the egos gather ‘round. This is about dogs. Piers says he’s allergic to ‘em. He introduces Rob Lieb-something, who's in a bad collar tie, who’s with Pedigee, in charge of the $4 million Pedigree adoption drive. What, no mutts allowed? This is for celebrities (sic) only. Gives a new meaning to “papers, please.” TheDon makes the teams choose “project managers right now.” The girl team Emprasario is so wrong it’s silly: it’s spelled wrong, do they think they’re Empresses? And it’s a masculine ending, and nothing to do with Texas land grabs. Maybe they think they’re divas. Prior to the 1823 revolution in Mexico, the old Imperial Law called for the appointment of empressarios, or land agents, who received a land grant from the Spanish or Mexican government in return for promoting settlement in the land grant territory. Impresario, from the Italian impresa, an enterprise or undertaking, is a traditional term still very much in use in the entertainment industry for a manager or producer of concerts, tours and other events in music, opera, theatre and even rodeo.

At least Hydra has a mythic god-like powerful image. When Gene does a KISS reunion, he’ll write the same old 3-chord crap with a title of that name. He’ll sing “The snakes are out tonight,” and he’ll flick his tongue. Well, enough of such trifle nitpicking, we can move on beyond all the bogusness of this show to see how they can lick up to stray dogs.

The girls choose Nely Galán, the experienced TV producer. Makes sense. Gene “sees the big picture. I’ll fire anybody, even Donald Trump.” So he steps up to lead the men in his serial role as Cecil B. Demile in an epic conquest of the women.

Since they’re not raising anything except awareness and blood pressure, TheDon is giving $20K to the PM’s charity for winning.

In case you forgot where all this was going on.

The Teams Get To Working

Empresario, at 12 hours until deadline, and instead of time for working on the project, it’s time for karma and yoga. “Imagine bright light, and bright light coming out of you,” says out of her element Project Manager Nely. Right off we know this is gonna go well. Marilu is laughing, “next we’ll be taking off our shoes.” “Let’s hold hands and pray for animals.” Ohsobadda decides to distance herself from this mess and go UTR. Again, they tank the use our celebrity idea as they waste time talking with the wuss of a client. That worked before, didn’t it?

Gene has a plan down. He’s making an executive decision about immediately going to the studio. “Optimize every single second we had.” Who needs any peon from this dog lover group to put on a commercial theatrical act? I think he even stuck out his tongue at him, but there was no makeup. Stephen speaks in actor sign language as well. He has a vision; he's always wanted to be a director, but you have to be a good actor to graduate to that level. Piers brings up one of his “it’s not my fault if you don’t take it” views. I think he does that just have a CYA excuse. The others, including Trace, chime in and get swatted down by Gene. Vinny gets wide (more of that later), and Trace and others start talking about “visuals.” They may do a three dog night idea. What is this fascination with trilogies? They've only got 30 seconds. Stephen’s worked in film for 20 years, so he’s the expert? Who’d know? At least he hasn’t promised to flee the country. Oh, please do, Stevie. Does the 333 on your neck mean you’re only half-devil?

The men decide to use celebrity as currency again. They decide on Lennox Lewis as the champ with a champion pup boxer. I get all weepy already about the cutesy word play and playful imagery. Do you think the women will learn from last week’s mistake about failure to use their celebrity? No, of course not. Although it is an open question whether their Q ratings come even close to their IQs.

Ahaha, Ivanka comes in, busting into the treehouse of the All Boys Club. Gene cuts the rope ladder off for her. He enjoys her fall, saying “you’re not going to give girly secrets to the girls.” Gene says “go away, or I shall taunt you a second time,” in an imitation of Piers’ accent. Invanka is upset he doesn’t bow down to her because she’s got a nepotism gig on Dad’s show.

Commercial break. I was gonna say something about the commercial types. Did we get a Pedigree commercial for real? Maybe later.

So We’re Into Production

Stephen directs Lennox about petting. Dogs, not pretty girls. Piers has yet another horrible idea to change the idea for the shoot. Stephen takes ‘em out on the street without a permit or crowd control – unless you count Vinny the widebody. Vinny's holding two of the balls the little boxer has been playing with like he's choosing which one to serve in tennis. What a catastrophe. People cut through the sidewalk scenes, the crew cut through stalled traffic in the street. Gene has, in his producer’s voice, a calm, cool, in control executive decision: “let’s go back inside.”

Whatever Ohsobadda’s doing, it’s not anything for the team. Maybe she’s live-blogging the production. Girls cuddling dogs can’t go wrong, right? Yes it can.

Nadia is told to go get coffee. Is this a setup for the lamest contributor (other than Voldemort?). Marilu takes production control, really; Nely isn’t doing much at all. They're deciding who can act and write. “In my day, I was a beauty queen.” Without the sing-song voice. Yep, here we have Taylor in a few years when she grows out of Kid Nation.

Trace does his voice-over with some coaching from Gene; he knows how to stroke the talent. It’s excellent. Writers Guild strike? What strike? Women throughout all country music radio station areas are getting wet. Even my girl sat back and paid attention to this guy.

Peirs complains again (so not a surprise). This is getting repetitive. He’s not nearly as entertaining as Simon Cowel. Many of the guys aren’t getting involved because of dictator team of Gene and Stephen. They’re getting upset. (Still in their workroom, not in the boardroom before TheDon. The women don’t seem to mind having catfights.) This doesn’t bode well for next Project Manager. Is there a term-limit rule about PMs? Speaking of which, hasn’t Fidel gone the way of Federalissimo Francisco Franco yet? Too bad Chevy Chase isn’t on this Celebrity Apprentice.

In The Edit Room

In the edit room with the girls. Slobbering dogs aren’t appealing, says Ohsobadda. Nely says “We don’t have time to whine and complain, we just have to make something up.” There’s a plan for you. Their three-dog-night plan isn’t working, tone-wise. The Dicque Tracy cartoon character from Macy’s (product intro and commercial to come) shows up as TheDon’s other right hand man. He gets more dialogue than Ivanka got with the guys. Did he have to buy the commercial to get his part on the show?

Gene and Stephen cold shoulder the rest of the team as they sit down to edit. Tito gets whiney. Stephen handles it well with some diplomatic tact, basically saying "please don’t bother us while we finish." Tito, it’s better if you’re “left in the dark.” That’s what knockouts are for. Trust factors are arising amongst the men.

Presentation Time

TheDon comes strutting clean and sharp out of his stretch limo on the dirty NYC streetside. The attack of the killer bees commences as the women make their pitch first. They didn’t just make a 30-second commercial, they made a DVD with producers’ outtakes and and a scratch-n-sniff fold out for your favorite puppy and a radio commercial. TheDon says, “what!? I wanna see the commercial!. Come on, let’s go.” Can’t you ditzes read the business plan? Is he always so impatient?

Nely says “we worked like dogs.” Har-har. The commercial sucked. It was a slobbering mishmass of “I like my doggie.” Nothing really on point about adopting and saving dog lives. Watching their commercial took mentally seven 30-dog seconds. Speaking of dogs, is this outfit from that fashion train wreck’s turd collection?

Gene comes in all supercilious and smug. He gets ragged on by the suit, claims he followed Sun Tzu (with the “Manderin” pronunciation) philosophy as PM. Was that a kiss up to Burnett in a nod about the last Survivor? A mini audition for the next one? I just don’t like people who wear sunglasses indoors. I can understand it while playing poker.

“It takes a big heart to be a champion.” That’s the tag line with Trace’s voiceover while Lennox plays with the boxer pup. “Boxer” is never mentioned, but that’s the idea. Good commercial.

The teams sit down in the boardroom to review the commercials. So the commercial will air over some unknown dog show during a commercial break. Oh yeah. Is this Trump material level? I'd've thought only the Westminster Kennel Club show at Madison Square Garden would do for him. The girls start second guessing themselves. Gene explains how it was the right decision to forgo the boardroom and not talk with the empty suits.

They all sit down. “Rob from Pedigree thought that both teams did a real good job,” informs TheDon. Invanka bitches about being dissed by Gene. She whines some more.

Ohsobadda tries to suck up to the Don. Gene apologizes to Ivanka.

It's a Beauty Queen commercial from the girls. Three dogs, all sad, slobbering, and lamenting or lamented. "Except when I kick in the kid’s allergies." Funny. “I’m a good dog.” Doesn’t make we want to by the Pedigree dogfood. Gene is confident about his commercial. “No question. We’re convinced of it.”

“Everyone needs a champ in their lives, someone that loves them and cares for them. Sadly, there are 2 million homeless dogs in America, waiting to be adopted. When you buy a Pedigree, we make an adoption to help dogs find a willing home. It takes a big heart to be a champion.” That’s the killer voiceover.

Ohsobadda shows us once again she’s an idiot. Lennox is a big brother? Macy’s guy is still an idiot. I want him to go to his wrist-tv for a marketing sales update. Pedigree decided on the guys' commercial. “Two wins in a row for Hydra,“ TheDon proclaims.

The Boy’s Club is together back in their lounge. Drinks all around.

Boardroom Bashing Time

“We were working hard” says Nely. So what, what’s the production? The girls get grilled by TheDon. Lot’s of alcohol in the men’s room.

Nely takes full responsibility. Jenny was nowhere. What? What the heck did she do? So obviously a non-fired person. They’re ragging on Nadia. Because she didn’t get food to the set fast enough. Haha. Even McDONald’s delivers in NYC. Whimps and Chimps aren’t gonna last in this Apprentice series. Stand up and fight back, or get beaten down. The editors of this show aren't nearly as good at foreshadow misdirection as CBS' Survivor team.

The Boardroom decides. Why the heck does the DonDaughter warrant any merit for her opinion? Gaack.

Nely “takes responsibility.” “I get Carol, maybe, you shouldn’t be here.” “I do get Nadia, to a certain extent,” says TheDon. He’s so gonna rag on Nadia. She can’t balance on the beam anymore.

“I know a lot about sports and about athletes and everything.” There he goes again.

It’s the blame game again, and those who can obfuscate between TheDon’s interruptions get the pass. BuBye, Nadia. Speak up you whimpering loser. You may have gotten a 10 before, but you’re a 4 now. “I don’t see you able to lead the team,” says TheDon. He gives the “Thank You, Thank You. Your’re great in your own way of leading yourself but I don’t think you can lead others,” speech of death. So now TheDon is a prophet as well.

So Nadia rides off into the night in her limo taxi, and fails to stick the landing in her lame departing confession.

Next Week on Celebrity Apprentice

Haven’t I paid enough attention already? Something happens in NYC. There’s some new project for the teams. Gene is of course in the picture. I’d bet some guy goes, because TheDon doesn’t want it to get too unbalanced bimbo-wise. I think these are the loser contenders who are up for the next firing:

Stay tuned for next week’s adventures of the Champs, Chumps and Chimps. We’re bound to see more, hear more, and speak more evil. You can even repeat the first two lethal doses of this show on Saturday, because NBC doesn't have anything better to fill their air with.

Taxi!