LAST EDITED ON 01-10-04 AT 09:30 AM (EST)

Previously (I mean before the reruns), Paris proved she's smarter than ANYbody thought. She memorized a credit card number. Woo! Sneaky or what?

We open without fanfare in the “beauty parlor.” Curly is having her hair done, and Janet and “Our Girls” are on hand to provide moral support. Obviously all has been forgiven for the stolen birdcage. Having checked out all sorts of other recaps around the 'Net, I realize I missed the fact that (a) Paris & Nicole were having manicures and (b) Janet Leding was getting a pedicure. Damn, they really pack a whole lot of activity into the first 30 seconds of the show. I re-watched what I had on tape 3 times, and didn't see any evidence of said 'cures.

Janet wants to know about the girls’ taste in men. Paris wants her guy to be nice, sweet, smart, good-looking, fun, honest. I guess it would provide a yang to her yin. Although I have to say, she is attractive in her way. But I like skinny.

“Do they have to be good looking?” Ah, Janet is trying to matchmake her own sons. However, just because “good-looking” wasn’t first on the list, doesn’t mean Paris is willing to compromise on that issue. Janet is definitely trying to figure out how to organize a permanent connection to the Hilton fortune.

Nicole announces she doesn’t like good-looking guys. She prefers skinny pale guys who look like they’re dying. Someone ought to introduce her to Ryan Shoulders from Survivor. Getting down & dirty in the produce section would probably be a step up for Nicole.

Janet gets in the spirit, “Oh you mean guys who look like they’ve got no blood in them.” Nicole nods sickly, like she is disgusted to realize that Marilyn Manson is who truly meets these specifications. I guess it doesn’t seem so glamorous when everyone in the room is healthy and as far from keeling over from an overdose as you can get.

Janet wonders what Lionel would think if she brought someone home like that. “Oh I already have,” says Nicole and Paris laughs. Janet gets a close-up gawp. “Oh mah god, what did he do?” “He cried.” Paris laughs and rolls over on her beauty parlor chaise, showing off her jean-clad ass. Her laughing makes me think Nicole is making the whole thing up or at least stretching the truth about her dad crying. Or maybe it’s because she can’t believe Nicole is telling the truth. These girls laugh so much at the most inconsequential of details that I’m quite beyond knowing the reason.

Next, the theme of tonight’s episode. Yep, let's blame Janet. She just had to know about their love lives, didn’t she? “Do you think you could ever fall in love with a guy from a small town?”

Paris’ contribution is: “She likes dirty ugly boys.” As if to say, Nicole should be totally into farmhand goombahs such as they’ve encountered thus far. Nicole says she doesn’t like those guys, and Paris laughs again.

Wang-a-wocka-twang-twang, over we go to The Farm. On the Ledings’ sofa, the girls are all spruced up for their interview. More likely the cameramen flagged them down on their way out to paint the town blue. At least two different sofa interviews provide footage that is interspersed throughout this episode. From the Dolled-Up Footage Paris tells us there aren’t a lot of cute guys in this town, “Maybe 2 out of 1000.”

Math that doesn't involve money isn't Paris' strongpoint. The whole town of Altus has only 817 people. With roughly half of them female, Paris must be counting some guys 3 times. Or she isn’t being reminded of the population the way we are.

Beauty parlor. Nicole has suggestions for Curly’s new ‘do. “How about a big afro with blonde streaks, like Scary Spice?” The Spice reference must go right over Curly’s head, because she wouldn't have the sense not to admit it if she recognized it.

Curly's concerned with the repercussions and ramifications of getting a wild makeover, which is what she considers anything other than “her usual.” -- “What would my husband say?” Nicole keeps a straight face, “He wouldn’t say anything, he’d just drag you off to the bedroom.” Big laugh from everyone, Curly most of all. Hmm, I wonder if that's why we don't see her for the rest of the episode. D'ya suppose...?

Opening credits. The girls stretch their legs, do their shopping, ride in their car, all as the hick hillbilly song plays. Twang twang.

“Two simple girls
beyond belief.
They are so dumb,
they’ll come to grief.
Hillbilly dweebs, we don’t know sh!t,
But we look smart, next to these twits."

Catchy song, aint it? As she lays out, Paris really looks like she hasn’t a functioning brain cell in her head. But I know better now. Looks CAN be deceiving. She memorized a credit card number! So shut up all you naysayers.

Ads. Shilling The Daily Show, Jon Stewart reports breaking news, “Paris Hilton no longer wants to party.”

Back with Voice Over Dude a.k.a. Hillbilly Jed, who twangs it’s Day 20, and Paris & Nicole have jumped at the chance to work at Buffalo Leding’s Lakeside Food Mart & Gas Station. Yeah, Ledings pretty much run this town. There are cousins and siblings in every important business. The girls reckon they’ll find cute guys here. After all, they’ve looked everywhere else.

Just because they’re interested in doing the job is no reason not to look their best. And looking one's best takes time. They can't throw on any old outfits. Although it looks like they did.

They arrive fashionably late. “Good Lord, girls, you’re 2 hours late,” says Buffalo. “We had to make our costumes. Our work outfits," say the girls. "Good Lord."

I think by “make” they mean assemble, piece by piece, from underwear to jewellery. Everything in the wardrobe had to be tried on, mixed and matched, until just the right combination of sexy skank had been achieved. “Good Lord,” says Buffalo for the fifth time since they arrived. They aren’t even inside yet.

Paris is wearing a brown fur over a mini Indian Squaw Chic dress, and Nicole has a white fur over some ugly-ass ensemble. Two hours ... for that?

Still, they are there, and ready to give it their all. Buffalo instructs them to also clean windshields. As they head together to attack the first car, they argue over who is going to pump the gas and who is going to wash the windshield. Nicole says she shouldn’t have to wash windshields because of her white coat.

Sofa interview. Paris ribs Nicole because she doesn’t know how to pump gas. She never leaves the car at gas stations. They bicker. Do they even have self-serve gas stations where Paris & Nicole drive?

Gas Station. As Nicole pumps gas, she quizzes an average joe in a white t-shirt, baseball cap with (hopefully) functioning equipment. “Are you 18?” “17.” Scratch him.

Nicole reports from the sofa that after feeling cow udders and walking in cow poo, doing all these jobs is fun. Plus the cute guys make it all worthwhile. Who? Where? Oh right. Nicole doesn’t like good-looking guys. So she must be as happy as a pig with the selection. She looks it.

Another guy asks for some special kind of gas and we get that “D’oh? Uh oh?” weird little noise to signify “corny hi-jinx.” Nicole doesn’t have a fricken clue. She studies the array of gas pumps until the guy points to the one he wants. This is some high-tech gas station, with all that selection. How do we know this bit wasn't shot in El Lay?

Not one male gets by without being asked his age and, if he’s 18 or older, whether he has a girlfriend. Even the 85 year-olds get the “how old are you?" “you’re hot” and "we love you" treatment.

Paris and Nicole are definitely working on their schtick. This is the best training for those later years when they’ve spent their way through daddies’ millions and need some old geezer with a healthy bank statement and dodgy prognosis to make it through to the next financial quarter.

One of the girls notices some guy in a blue tie-dyed shirt, and it turns out it’s “Buffy’s” nephew, Anthony. (And already with the nicknames for Buffalo – Buffy!) Ooooh. “He’s cute,” says Nicole from the sofa. Tinkerbell joins them for this portion of the confessional. Aww, hey Tink, how’s it goin’, eh?

At the gas station, it’s time for the Most Important Moment of Truth. Nicole comes up to a group of guys standing around inside the gas bar, hand out-stretched to introduce herself. Paris soon sidles up to join them. The camera swings round. And here he is. Here is “The Guy.” Idle chit-chat about fishing, and other ice-breakers has Paris shifting shyly from foot to foot, but she’s quite interested. At first I didn’t realize it was “him.” Those teeth are blinding. You know, you can overdo those white-strip things.

Paris tells The Guy he should move to L.A. and become a model. He says that everyone says he’s pretty. Uh oh. Like, “you’ve got a purty mouth” kind of pretty? That’s not good.

Nicole tells us that she’s responsible for naming him “Chops” cuz of his super-white teeth. Not cuz he’s good enough to eat? Like a lamb chop?

Paris gets phone numbers.

This job has worked out. The girls get paid – looks like $80 for their time. That’ll buy a few rounds of beer. They had a lot of fun, met lots of guys and if there are that many guys every day, they’d do this job for free. Oh, let’s not go overboard, girls.

Buffalo tells them they can come back and work there anytime. Woohoo – a first for Paris and Nicole. Actually NOT fired! And ‘come back any time.’ They did it. They finally successfully completed a job. Only took 3 weeks. Their daddies will throw them big parties when they get back to “Complicated Life.” They sashay off to the wolf-whistles of Buffy and his co-horts. These guys were never hot. They’ve been hanging around that gas bar for 40 or 50 years. This day has been their most exciting. Ever. It’s sad.

Back home, Nicole informs Janet that she and Paris are both in love with this guy “Chops.” Janet laughs as Nicole demonstrates his big wonky smile. Paris comes in the room and somehow it’s worked out that Chops is actually Trey Linley. Uh oh. Not Trey Linley. Not him. He’s the town pump.

Janet explains to us she’s really worried about Paris & Nicole hanging out with these local boys. Right. More like worried about somebody bedding one of these chicks, catching some STD, then passing it on to a local girl who passes it on to one of her sons. Albert adds that they need to watch what circumstances come up. Uh right. I don’t think the girls want to actually have sex with you Albert, but that must be part of your problem.

Paris is on the phone, probably calling Chopsicle. Nicole says hanging out with the guys is the only escape, when the only other thing to do is “these stupid jobs.”

Gas Bar. Somebody brings a camera, so it’s photo opportunity time. Days 21 through Day 25 pass in a blur of hanging out with the guys at the gas bar, while Janet & Albert do chores at the farm and check their watches and stare out the window at all hours of the day and night looking to see if the girls are coming.

They’re not, because here’s Paris making out with some guy. Hopefully it is Chops. As Paris told us in Star, she is NOT a tramp.

Ledings. Finally the girls are there, and Janet takes the opportunity to tell them it’s good to not see the boys every day, cuz the boys are breaking up with their girlfriends to be with them. See, now that doesn’t make any sense, does it? If true, then the girls OWE it to the guys to hang with them every day, giving them some loving. The girls laugh, cuz they know that’s bullshit. They asked every guy if he had a girlfriend and the answer was always “no.” *Gasp* you don’t suppose the guys were *gulp * lying, do you?

The girls are sitting there, looking like they just got out of the shower. Paris' hair could use some conditioner, but she looks really cute without makeup.

Janet is a little less friendly as she asks how many people they think they’re taking to L.A. with them. “All these people” think they have a modeling career etc. etc. Nicole looks dumbfounded – she doesn’t see what Chopsicle has, but Paris reckons he’s cute enough. Well he’s more “Teen Gap” than “GQ.” He should pose for a Dentists’ Association pamphlet.

Montage of Chops doing his stuff, and with an appearance on Extreme Makeover they could turn him into somebody who models. But he needs to grow into those teeth. He’s just got too many teeth for his mouth. It's rather unsightly.

Kissing. More scenes of the two girls kissing their guys. Paris always kisses without putting her arms around Chops. The most touching she does is a finger under the chin. Nicole throws her whole body into it.

More scenes of Janet telling the girls to calm down and stay away from the boys for a little bit. Nicole & Paris look unhappy with that idea. One of them makes a stifled noise. No way is that happening. More hanging out kissing the same guys again. Are these different days? Just the same night, cut up to look like it lasted a week? They do work their way through their wardrobes, so different dates anyway. No way are these girls going to stop meeting with their boys. These girls need their frolic.

Ads. Hey, coming in January is a show called Corner Bar, about the doings at a gas station. Coincidence? I think not.

Hillbilly Jed voices-over that even though Albert & Janet have forbidden the girls to hang out with the boys, but when have these girls ever done what they’re told? Roll. Eyes. Stupid Jed just loves poking and making fun. The girls are with the guys. Again. Not surprised, are you?

Chops flashes his million teeth. There is such a thing as too much White Strips. Oh did I say that already? All the repetition is infectious. Paris really likes Trey, he’s a really nice guy. Well, best on offer, anyway. I wonder how he’d stack up to the best on offer back in El Lay?

Chops and Sticks chat about what they did that day. Chops went shopping and went to the dentist to get his teeth cleaned. Haha. Maybe Sticks really has found a guy she can relate to. He likes all the things she likes. You know, shopping, clean teeth. Then she tells him all about the premise of the show, er, her purpose in coming. You know, the “making it living on a farm” thing. I guess she’s earned a self-congratulatory comment or two, because she has indeed “made it” on the farm. She hasn’t died or anything, so bravo. Well done, Paris. She tells Chops if she hadn’t met him she’d be going insane.

Nicole is with Anthony, who is also a Leding. He’s Buffalo’s nephew. He tells her there aren’t many girls as crazy and outspoken as her in this town. Oh but there are some? I guess they’re locked up in jail or the loony bin. Nicole calls him “you b!txch” and grabs him for a tongue-down-the throat. She looks ready to rip off his clothes and do him right there on the bench. There aren’t that many crazy outspoken girls anywhere.

Chops tells Sticks he’s seen her in magazines and never expected to meet her. She tells him he’s the hottest guy here. Which, from the looks of the rest, isn’t saying much at all.

Nicole calls a halt to the snogging, because Anthony smells like onions. Damn, after all that trouble he went to, to make himself more attractive, just for her.

More with Chops & Sticks. He says everyone thinks she’s a stuck-up super model but he thinks she’s so sweet and polite and nice. All people have to do is get to know her. She didn’t know she’d like him. She tells him that he’s made this bearable for her. Awww. She tells him she’ll call him. Awww. Yeah right.

Sofa, dressed down. Paris says it was special and she felt like she was 15 again.

Back to the good byes “Bye get home safe.” “You too.” How sweet. Okay, who needs insulin? She sashays away.

Another day at the HickVille Farm. Albert tells Janet that the girls are out and about, not here “getting to know us.” It’s Day 25 or 26. Prior to Day 20, the girls spent a lot of time “getting to know” the Ledings and pretty well exhausted all they had to offer. Too bad, Albert, you and your “gruff, be scared of me” attitude alienated them. You should have been sweeter. And younger. I think what we have here is a case of the Raving Jealousies. Janet responds that for 22 years the girls have gotten to run around and do what they want.

And you think YOU’RE going to stop them? Haha. Albert is adamant about laying down the law. Yep, he’s jealous. He wants those girls right where he can ogle – I mean see – them. “Just like we’ve always done, with the boys.” I don’t think it’s the same thing, here, Pops. In case we missed it, the Ledings make another confessional to reiterate the same thing. Is there really nothing else to show us? And for a half-hour show, the repetition is over the top.

“They don’t hang around with us much,” Albert whines. “And people in town are talking,” adds Janet. At this point, people in town will talk no matter what they do or don’t do. Certainly A & J aren’t convincing me the best thing is for the girls to be at the farm. I’m siding with Paris & Nicole on this one. You want them there, you need to provide incentive.

Paris fiddles with her wardrobe as Albert leans on the door to their room, trying to be easy going as he tries to get them to agree to hang around the house more instead of going bowling. He totally is ogling. I bet he misses those sex quizzes. Nicole says they’re not going to Fayetteville “tomorrow” so they could “do the family thing” then. Always promise something for “tomorrow” and do what you want to do today.

Albert goes to confer with Janet and they agree to make the girls hang around the house the whole weekend but let them go out tonight. They return to the girls’ room followed by the drunken cameraman from The Amazing Race. Whoa, hillbilly moonshine is powerful!

As Albert lays down his “plan,” Paris looks ready to have a fit. She is mega-pissed. Some hick-hillbilly farmer gonna tell her what to do? No way. She’s through with hanging around the house to please the stupid Ledings. It sure feels like time is drawing to a close, with this ham-fisted attempt on Albert’s part to get them to spend time with the host family.

Albert figures telling them that the boys’ mamas are running around talking about the trouble the girls are getting them into, will somehow make them contrite and want to stay home. HA! What part of “tabloid publicity hounds” doesn’t he get? If anything, "boys' mamas talking" would make them even more anxious to get out. Albert tells them he makes the rules and the girls are no exception. “Like what trouble? We aren’t doing anything,” Paris whines. Hey, no whining, Paris!

They’re 22, 21, “adults” and blah blah blah they should be able to do what they want. Albert says they’re right, they are adults but he’s not treating them differently from how he treats his boys. “Bullshit,” says Paris. “It’s not fair.” Either the producers are behind this – why would Albert & Janet care all of a sudden? -- or Albert really does miss ogling them.

Albert: This is how we always do it.” Paris: “Miserable?” Heh. She has a point.

More sofa interview time from everyone Blah blah, repetition. Doesn’t Albert realize how stupid he sounds? He has to keep going because he doesn’t have any other producer-approved dialogue.

In their room, Paris tells Nicole she’s going crazy in this house and can’t sit here all the time. Nicole says to tell them “okay.” “But?” “He said, ‘We’ll discuss it over the weekend.’” The realization dawns that they’ll just do whatever the hell they want. They burst out laughing, and the next thing we see is the blue truck tearing off down the road, away from the farm.

Down at the gas bar, Nicole interviews she has to be happy to work and she is only happy seeing Anthony. And Paris is only happy when she’s seeing Trey. Everything happens at the gas station. Even Tinkerbell is at the gas station! So the girls are down at the gas station, with their guys. And not at home. Janet phones the gas station.

One of the fat guys answers and tells Janet who all is there: Trey, Anthony, and there’s that SFX of a record being scratched. Paris comes out of the bathroom, followed by Trey who is grinning like a complete idiot. Paris gets on the phone. She goes, “Lakefield” like she’s answering professionally. She promises to be home in half an hour. Paris has learned – just say “Okay.”

1 hour 10 mins later, per screen info, the girls are working out what to tell Janet. Paris phones and tells Janet they’re on their way. “Okay love you bye.” How sweet is that? Paris says “love you” to Janet.

Next morning, Albert is pissed. Or rather, still pissed. He’s been pissed the entire episode. I did enjoy him more when he wasn’t being all stupidly parental. Every moment the girls are there is spent arguing over the time they plan on not being there. Whether it was a producer-plan or not, I reckon at first he was happy to go along with it because he totally wants to ogle Paris & Nicole and really is unhappy that they are spending so much time elsewhere. But now it’s dumb.

Janet asks about plans for the day and Paris says Anthony will drive them to mumble mumble. I guess it’s the mall or wherever it is they’re going.

Albert reminds them what they talked about. “Keeping us informed.” Now it’s just getting annoying. Janet’s sister Becky is willing to run them wherever they want to go. The girls don’t want to go out with Becky the housefrau lump. Enough already, Albert. Forget it, Janet. Girls just wanna have smooch-time!

All of a sudden, Albert wants to “run everything through the family.” Since when? Whose idea is this, anyway?

“It’s not like it’s a club,” says Paris. “We’re just going to the mall for an hour, what’s the big deal?”

“Run everything through us first, make plans.” Paris talks back, “I thought you meant at night, not going to the mall at noon.” What, like their night plans are ever “run by the family?”

While this discussion is taking place, Paris & Nicole are doing up some dishes. Amazing! Paris continues to put on her spoiled brat face because she’s 22 and they won’t let them go to the mall by themselves. "I’ve been going to the mall since I was 12! " "Well my boys haven't." Albert is probably also pissed off cuz the girls won't even look at him much. They are mad!

Paris has obviously gotten past needing to spend time with parental figures to feel good about herself.

Albert, Janet, Cayne & Abel are outside standing around the truck discussing how upset the girls are. Albert says “I don’t think I’ve been too mean.” Abel says he’s seen worse. Janet is happy because for once Albert is the bad guy and she gets to be the good guy.

Abel interviews that his parents are having to do all the girls’ chores. Right, like those chores weren’t done by them before? This is b.s., because this family is so getting paid to be on the show. The only reason they’re bitching is they’ve been told to.

Doom notes play as Albert says he won’t make them stay home. That’s odd. Oh move on, this recap is long enough already. They’re lally-gagging on the sofa as he give them yet another stupid talking to, covering the same material we’ve been hearing from him all episode long. Enough Already!!!

Albert interviews it’s not about going to the mall, it’s about rules. RULES! Goddamit, rules will be followed. Okay I get it. You’re freakin’ jealous and all of a sudden it’s all about the dumb “rules.”

The girls look forlorn while Albert tells them all the fun they could have doing chores around the house. Who doesn’t live to sweep floors and wash clothes? Personally, I like vacuuming, but you have to have one of those powerful vacuums for it to be worth staying home instead of partying.

The girls go to their room to sulk, but they make their bed while backwoods hick music twangs. Wow, look at all this work they’re doing. Must be a record. It’s the most I can remember seeing in all the episodes thus far.

"Later," Paris goes “I’m so bored. We’re going out. I could care less. We’re adults and we should do whatever we want.” In next to no time they’re out of that house. Whoa! What happened to needing 2 hours to get “just the right outfit?” By the magic of editing they meet up with the boys seconds later.

After hello smoochies, Nicole tries to get some geezer to do a dance step in the street. He does. These girls have it made. Then they go to a bar.

At the bar, they get beer. Quick-edit shows us lots of drinking, funny faces, hanging around. Paris signs an autograph for someone named Tony.

Shannon the Bar Manager gets an interview to utter the same “oh my god, what have we here” crap that everyone says their first time onscreen on this show. Oh what a wacky night.

Then tragedy strikes. Nicole Can’t Find Her Purse. Did she even have a purse? On my third rewatch, I didn't see her carrying one? Oh my god. Paris goes off to help her look. “Someone stole it?” Hysteria. Nicole goes running through the place, screeching and squawking, swearing and throwing a temper-tantrum. So much for “22.” Everyone in the bar looks resigned. Oh well, the fun is over for tonight.

She finds a bottle of bleach out back and commences pouring the liquid onto the felt of the pool table, ruining it. Her squalling is reminiscent of a five year old who dropped her ice cream. The missing purse is probably in the truck, or under her chair. And will we even learn what happened to it? Not tonight.

Paris is trying to calm Nicole down, “They’re gonna kick you out.” Heh. Not “us” but “you.”

“I wanna go home,” squeaks Nicole. I think she means it. I think it’s time, too. Between them, they’ve done enough damage to this town, its cows, its girls, its boys. Everyone. More than enough for one lifetime.

Onscreen are the dreaded words, “To be continued…”

Next Time On The promo shows Shannon the Bar Manager telling Nicole, “No one else will get away with this and you won’t either.” “Fine,” says Nicole. “Let’s get out of here.”

Back at the Farm, Albert inquires next morning if they remember what they did last night. Paris pouts, “You act like we killed someone.” Why is that the measure of appropriate behavior here? There are points on the hierarchy of bad behavior that warrant consequences, which don’t involve somebody ending up dead, Paris.

A voice in the background, possibly Janet’s trying to get little Braxton to say goodbye to the girls, because… dunh dunh dunnnnnnn: it is Time To Leave…

Damn, I'm gonna miss them too.

Thanks to Angelfood for my lovely pic!