*Summary writers note: I chose to use italics this time for my own snide comments and opinions so as to not offend or confuse those who might not otherwise appreciate my wit or sense of humor. And if I thought my last summary was long, I apologize for the length of this one even more. But it had to be done for the full affect, IMO.

A Tribute to Everett and other mayhem

Lat week on Joe Schmo: Everett has gone to the great beyond, another message from above for Piper from Bryce, and Eleanor told off Austin and quit the show.

First up is our morning production meeting and Rhett Reese telling everyone that “Tim and Amanda are really into this now, too into it in fact, so spread the wealth of affections today and don’t focus on Tim and Amanda as we don’t want any broken hearts” ummm, exsqeese me? Shouldn’t we have thought this one over before bringing them on a show where the goal, supposedly, is to find love?. And as always the comedy will come out of the reality don’t even get me started on this statement so keep it real. Uh huh.

With the group all gathered outside for lunch we discover that Cammy doesn’t wear any panties (as often as possible) and has nothing on under her short little skirt, which opens the door for TJ to bring up the “Porked and beans” video. There is discussion over the word beans or is it (anal) beads (this from Ingrid). Cammy fesses up and says she did it. Now can we all just get over it and move on with our lives?

But wait, what is the engine we hear yonder in the sky? And why does this excite Amanda? Ahh, yes, yet another banner from our outcast phsycho stalker Bryce. This time it says “LOOK BEHIND U” which is not what I would want to hear from a phsycho stalker type person, but that’s just me and everyone looks behind them obedient bunch that they are and lo and behold Bryce is back.

To some Monty Python-ish trumpet blast Derek states that everyone must remember how Austin asked for Ingrid to be reinstated after the whole “grandfather incident” and that they decided to extend the same courtesy to Piper and since Bryce has shown such devotion to Piper, sending banner after banner after banner that he too has been reinstated. Derek, as he is leaving says “oh, one more thing. Derek giveth and Derek taketh away. There will be an eviction ceremony tonight and one of you gentlemen will be gone”. Well alrighty then.

They catch Bryce up on the game but not the death of his frog and Tim tries to make a pact with TJ that if one of them gets booted to send airplanes with banners to Piper. Good idea Tim, you are well on your way to becoming a creepy guy Oh, and let’s not mention the frog okay?

Back from commercial and we have the group assembled below the “window perches” that Austin and Piper will be on above as each has an opportunity in their own unique ways to profess their love from below in a Romeo and Juliet fashion. Austin and Piper will each pick a winner and get a one on one date with said winner(s).

Gerold is up first and sings a song called “Blonde Buddies”, a cute little ditty that speaks of his feminine side and how they could be great girlfriends. Tim is up next with a bit of poetry “My knees are weak, my palms are sweaty, maybe she’ll arrive just wearing a teddy. Holy jackpot, she’s a beauty, I can only hope she thinks I’m a cutie. What tickles me most is your sweet Irish smile, your voice from the heavens, no one here in denial. For the recipe of love could not be much riper, just add a pinch of T-dubs and a beauty named Piper”. Well isn’t that special?

TJ is up next and does a rap song that was bleeped in the beginning and is filled with sex (Amanda says TJ is very sexual nah!! and she keeps thinking there must be more to him than that but she isn’t able to see it). Moving right along Amanda, in her little cheerleader outfit, does a cartwheel and tries a little poem which she can’t seem to get through without direction from Tim. Bless her heart anyway

PhsychoBryce is up next and explains he saw a program on TV about the early communication of man before he begins screaming his lungs out gee and I thought that was what was going to happen when he learned of Everett’s demise, not a love thing and everyone seems pretty amused by it. He tries to climb up to Piper and Derek keeps telling him to stop, which he finally does.

Ingrid is going to paint a portrait of Austin (with her toes, mind you) while reciting the Preamble to the Constitution of the United States, which she had never read, to kind of make fun of her supposed WTF? supposed?intellectual capabilities. OMG, splendid job girl, it looks just like him!!

Cammy is going to make balloon animals and what she does with the air pump looks like it belonged in her video. The first one is a ??????? a dog maybe? But the next one is special, it is a frog? And she says “it’s Everett” as the looks of gloom and doom spread on the other faces around her. We then see a candid shot of Everett with his name and 2001-2004, a fitting tribute.

Austin selects Cammy and Piper chooses TJ. Derek informs them they will have a dinner date and hopes everyone doesn’t wind up like Romeo and Juliet. Back to the shot of Everett 2001-2004.

Around the table now it is impression time: Amanda does a hilarious but on the money impression of Dereks’ impression of whoever he is impersonating. Cammy does an impression of TJ while looking directly at Gerold who is confused for a second, along with everyone else until she explains it is an impression of TJ. Whew! Bryce does an impression of Gerold and everybody loses it, laughing hysterically. This ends as we focus on Cammy’s boobs and whether they should rest on the table or under it and goes right into a contest in guessing Cammy and Ingrids’ bust sizes. TJ wins.

But now it is time for dessert and we get to view Cammy’s video at TJ’s request with never before seen intro and though Tim doesn’t understand the fetish, talks about tingling, which he says he will explain later. Ingrid gets up and pops the “Everett” balloon, apologizing for stepping on Everett, so of course we go to the picture of Everett 2001-2004 and Cammy offers what is left of it to Bryce. who knows, maybe she feels responsible for being a crappy caretaker and ultimately for his death.

It’s time for TJ and Cammy to go on their dates. However it will not be a normal one on one date as all the other suitors will be watching and listening to their dates via a closed circuit spycam and to make it more interesting not to mention rolling on the floor laughing funny everyone will be wearing an auditory relay thingie I kid you not, that is what was printed on the screen that will allow the suitors to give TJ and Cammy advice and suggestions on what to say and do. The bad news is they cannot let Austin and Piper know that they are being told what to say and do. The good news is that the voices in their heads will be real. BWUHAHAHAHA!!!! Now let the hilarity ensue

Before TJ can get out the door, Tim has some brotherly advice to be cool since Piper’s dad will be watching and that is what will be on her mind. What a pal

TJ and Pipers date:

Piper: Hi! How are you?
TJ: Wow, you look lovely
Amanda: Start turning the conversation more towards her
TJ: You look good
Amanda: Not so much about her looks, find out about HER
TJ: You work out?
Amanda: okay, not physical, find out about her mind TJ
TJ: (unintelligible)
Amanda: see if you can feed her a grape, feed it nice!
TJ: can I feed you a grape?
Piper: sure
TJ: can I put it in my mouth and feed it to you that way?
Amanda: That wasn’t the idea I had in mind
Bryce: Stop him, stop him ruh roh then takes the mike and says TJ, TJ, it’s Bryce, you’re invading her space, back up just a little bit. TJ, it’s Bryce, you’re gonna turn her off with your hand on her like that. (So TJ backs off)
Piper: You don’t seem like yourself
TJ: I gotta use the bathroom
Amanda: (to Bryce, in all seriousness) you’re not allowed to use the microphone
Bryce: who said?
Amanda: Me. We’re trying to help him out.
Tim: TJ, it’s Tim
TJ: What’s up Tim? (ROFLMAO) and I am not alone in my laughter.
Tim: Sorry pal.
Cammy: This is Cammy, go ahead and talk to her about how great the color yellow is cuz it goes with her hair and it reminds you of rainbow bright.
TJ: Ever heard of like uh blondes, their hair’s yellow like rainbow bright, remember rainbow bright?
Cammy: start talking about remember when you were little and you couldn’t pee and you use to turn the water on and it would help you pee? Well it looks like you’re by water, so talk about that. is she trying purposely to mess up his date or what?
TJ: Hey remember when you use to be by water and by running water and you had to pee real bad and you would hold it and you didn’t want your boys to know you had, or your girls know, you had to pee.

At this point Tim becomes upset since TJ is on his first date with her and is getting really pissed off at Cammys stupidity.

Cammy: Tell her how much you like her roots and it reminds you of your favorite porn star Will somebody please take the mike away from her? Are you forgetting you have the next date Bimbo? What goes around comes around ya know?
TJ: I like the roots (playing with Pipers hair) you got the roots like a classy porn star
Piper: Classy porn star? That’s one that I have gotten.

Tim reprimands Cammy for being so idiotic and hanging TJ out to dry because that is the last thing that will be stuck in Pipers brain. At least she has one where Cammy seems to have misplaced hers

Cammy is up next hehehehe

Tim: Okay, the theory that it’s all about you is false right now, it’s all about him
Cammy: (to Austin) Hey
Austin: Hi, I got your champagne here.
Cammy: Oh good
Austin: Make yourself comfortable, right here (points to seat)
Cammy: Yeah
Tim: You wanna get to know him, so tell him you wanna get to know him
Cammy: Yeah, I really wanna get to know you
Tim: Where’d you go to college?
Cammy: Where’d you go to college?
Austin: Uh, Boston College
Gerold: Ask him if he has a cowboy hat to go with that urban cowboy look
Cammy: Do you have a cowboy hat to go with that (pause) urban cowboy look you have going on?
Gerold: Or cowboy boots or
Cammy: or cowboy boots or
Austin: No I have a limited wardrobe
Gerold: well tell him it fits in all the right places
Cammy: Ya know what? it fits in ALL the right places
Gerold: now put your hands on his forearm (which is over Cammys shoulder) and say “gear down big trucker, look at you, ya little tank”
Cammy: (giggles) gear down big trucker, god you look like a tank
Gerold: no, look at you, ya little tank
Cammy: look at you, ya little tank
Austin: You’re so fun tonight, maybe it’s the champagne, you look incredible by the way, so many men must feast their eyes on you all the time
Bryce: You don’t notice any of those men, tell him you don’t notice any of those men
Cammy: I don’t notice any of those men at all
TJ: except TJ
Cammy: except TJ
Austin: What?
Bryce: Tell him you notice TJ cuz he’s especially unattractive
Cammy: Um, what was that?
TJ: TJ’s hot
Cammy: TJ’s really hot
Austin: I forgot you kinda have a sense of humor
Cammy: See
Tim: That’s all it is
Cammy: that’s all it is
Tim: forget about it
Cammy: forget about it
Tim: cool?
Cammy: cool?
Tim: give me a two time, a two time slap
Cammy: give me a two slaps, slap two times, oh that was about ten
Tim: pound me
Cammy: pound me (giggles uncontrollably)
Gerold: Cammy, it’s Gerold in your head, just say this directly “Austin, somewhere in the world there is a guy who is ugly and not that smart cuz you are the whole package
Cammy: Somewhere…..
Gerold repeats himself, slower this time “somewhere in the world”
Cammy: somewhere in the world
Gerold: there is a guy
Cammy: there is a guy
Gerold: who’s not good lookin
Cammy: who’s not good lookin
Gerold: and isn’t smart
Cammy: and isn’t smart
Gerold: and can’t fill out an outfit like that
Cammy: and can’t fit, fill an outfit like that
Gerold: cuz you got the whole package mister
Cammy: cuz you got the full package
TJ coaches Gerold to say: and I’d like to see it
Cammy: and I’d like to see it
Gerold: like right now even
Cammy: like right now even
Gerold: if that’s not weird
Cammy: if that’s not weird
Gerold: or would that be cool?
Cammy: or would that be cool?
Gerold: or no
Cammy: or no, I’d like that
Austin: tell me, after the show, what would you like to happen between us?
Amanda: I would like to be able to see you more
Cammy: honestly I’d like to see you more
Amanda: And for you not to pull my earring
Cammy: and for you NOT to pull my earring
Austin: Sorry. It hurts me that you don’t wear my necklace, you say it doesn’t match, but..
Gerold: speaking of necklaces, did you shove Eleanors pearl necklace up you’re a$$
Cammy: speaking of necklaces, did you shove Eleanors necklace up you’re a$$?
Gerold: and if not do you plan to?
Austin: are you okay? Maybe you shouldn’t drink any more. It may be going to your head a little bit
Cammy: Do you plan to? (she is trying hard NOT to lose it here)
Ingrid: Cammy are you with me? This is Ingrid
Cammy: Hey Ing
Ingrid: Which do you prefer more?
Cammy: which do you prefer more?
Ingrid: a woman with a really hot bod
Cammy: a woman with a really hot bod
Ingrid: or a woman with a bright mind?
Cammy: or a woman with a bright mind?
Austin: Ah, I’d have to say honestly, a woman with a bright mind and I feel you have the brightest mind of all

Ingrid tries not to vomit here

Austin: and luckily you have the body to match so
Amanda: aww you say the sweetest things
Cammy: you say the sweetest things
Amanda: too bad you’re full of sh!t
Cammy: too bad you’re full of sh!t
Austin: specially after Eleanor shoved the necklace up my a$$

I thought that went well

We are back from commercial and a serious topic. The Jenga moment, as Tim refers to it. It is time to clue Bryce in that Everett is no more. Deceased, demised, expired, dead. Bryce does not take it well, but then we didn’t expect him to, even though he has not inquired about his beloved up to this point mind you. As they try to make sense of it for Bryce, TJ repeats it is dead and it was just a frog so he doesn’t care, sending Bryce into a fit and vocally spewing like a person with tourettes, because Everett was “not a frog, it was a human fvcking being”. can we say “get a grip here?” Pan to picture of Everett 2001-2004. Bryce and TJ almost come to blows before Gerold sends Bryce to his room. He vows to take up the issue with the producers and the falcon.

Bryce is in his room pouting (not) and we see Gerold/TJ do the ESPN recap with Bryce and before long they are laughing and playing the guitar and being totally out of character they just had a fight for pity sake and quite unexpectedly, Tim walks in. Busted! Some improve between TJ and Bryce and it is said they talked and worked it out.

This brings us to the eviction ceremony. There is a staredown between Bryce and Montecore. Derek tells the men to put down their candles as Piper will not be evicting one of them tonight, Austin will be sending a male suitor home and tonight the guys will be having a pearl necklace ceremony. The falcon has spoken I believe for the very last time sadly and the ritual begins. Each gets to plead their case.

Tim says he had something planned but not for Austin and he would love a pearl necklace, just kidding, tells Piper she looks beautiful and Austin he’s not too bad himself.

TJ says he doesn’t know how to tell Austin he will be a better man for his ex-girlfriend but thinks he can reach places in her that Austin could never touch.

Gerold says there is nothing he would rather have than a pearl necklace from Austin.

Bryce wishes to talk to Piper but Derek says no, you must address Austin. Undaunted, he says he went away and came back and feels strongly that there is nothing that can keep two people apart who are meant to be together. (pointing at Montecore) “There’s nothing HE can do, nothing anybody can do or Piper can do or I can do to keep us apart”.

Austin addresses the group and says whoever doesn’t get a necklace, it’s nothing personal Austin gives the first necklace to Gerold and says “you don’t get a kiss” but gives him a hug.

The second necklace goes to TJ and Piper doesn’t look happy. The third necklace, with much drama and panning people and objects in the room, goes to……………Bryce! Tim looks disappointed and everyone else looks stunned. Austin tells him that he is a great guy and all the guys are well suited for Piper who seriously looks devastated and about to burst into tears but that his connection wasn’t as strong with her. Tim says “ain’t no thing pal” and Piper’s eyes now look like she has been crying for at least an hour. Tim shakes Austin’s hand, gives Piper a hug and kiss and addresses the group to say his goodbyes.

Derek is telling him he must go now as the decision is made and Tim in a very FU manner says “I’m saying goodbye pal”. So Derek tells him to take a few moments and bid his adues, to which he replies “of course I will, I’ll take every damn second I got”. Once that is done he is walking to the door and says “no tears, tho Piper can’t control hers nothing personal. IF I have stressed the IF, Tim did not stress it but did say it I don’t see you guys, good morning, good afternoon, good evening, goodnight” and saluting “take care”.

Derek gives a little speech about how hard it is getting with the numbers dwindling and tells Austin and Piper to follow him. On her way out Piper is shaking her head and mutters a very pissed off “oh Jeezus Christ” and Amanda’s eyes get big just before becoming almost mournful.

The group says tonight should be “club T, club T-dub”, except TJ who goes up the stairs saying “waaah” and Bryce who is giving Montecore the evil eye.

Tim’s personal interview and his words are “if I had a blank canvass to draw on tonight I’d have a lot of black on it. Would I like to stay? Yeah, I think Piper had a lot worth fighting for. So, here I stand. All by myself”.

Next time on Joe Schmo 2: Bryce gets caught, Tim is back asking Bryce if he killed the fricking bird and undoubtedly more mayhem.

Fish and Game Officer of G.A.W.K.U.R's of OT

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remember to say only things that, if it were the last words another person were to hear, would not have caused harm