LAST EDITED ON 07-31-04 AT 09:22 AM (EST)

TSI Episode 4: Fish Eggs, Fish Eggs

(Apologies to SNL for changing the lyrics to this classic):

Fish eggs, fish eggs
Roly poly fish eggs
Fish eggs, fish eggs
Eat them up…Yum!

Production meeting:

Jerry Bruckheimer: Hey, let’s have one option in the Detour be a hockey matchup, and the other is a chance to star in a porn video. We’ll call it Puck or…

Les Moonves: Don’t go there.

JB: Why not? We’ve got The Twins.

LM: We’ve also got Marshall & Lance.

JB: Ew. Good point. I guess I’ll just stick with what got us the Emmy in the first place. I’ll edit in a foreshadowing quote from one of the teams early on in the episode. Then we’ll have a whole bunch of manipulators and backstabbers claim that God is on their side. And of course, an episode of TAR wouldn’t be complete without a team getting the wrong plane tickets. We’ll make it look like they still have a chance, but they’ll still lose. Then they’ll get all mushy as they talk about how great they are. After all, this cheap editing made us the top-rated reality show for CBS.

LM: Actually, Survivor’s the top-rated reality show for CBS.

JB: Hmmm… how about I throw in a gross food challenge then?

In the Blue Offices

Webby: Bebo, I’d like to talk to you about the TSI. Could you put the baby and the chocolate down for a few moments?

Bebo: Webby, I’m sorry last week’s column was late. That’s why I got you the draft for this week’s so quickly.

Webby: Um, yeah. That’s what I wanted to talk to you about. It’s…short.

Bebo: I decided to go for brevity.

Webby: Beebs, you’ve got to write more than “Yeah, whatever.” That’s not a column.

Bebo: I just put in the same amount of effort on my column that the production staff of TAR put into editing the show.

Webby: Well, I’d like you to flesh this out a little more, K?

Bebo (shrugging): Whatever. I need to complete my version of the TAR Detour first, though. As a University of Virginia Wahoo, I completely approve of the drink a shot option. As a sports fan, I also enjoy the block 5 hockey shots option. Which one would I have done? Duh.

One Fleshed-Out Version Later…

I’m so ashamed. I didn’t think that the TAR production staff would start phoning in the editing of this show until at least Episode 6. I’ve watched enough reality TV that I should know better. Can I blame my optimism on being a sleep-deprived new mom? Well, I think I will anyway.

Scoring Summary

There’s not a whole lot of movement in the standings this week. That’s what happens when one team is eliminated for having ticketing problems. Look folks, there’s only so much I can do when the base material is so scarce. They didn’t even show Mr. Exposition Hands at the Detour and Roadblock – scandalous.

1. Colin & Christie (2nd in Race, T-1st in last week’s TAR) – Colin’s strategy of helping other teams so that they’ll help his team later has already paid off. When he bought the bus tickets for the other teams, it led to the Doughboys nominating C&C Music Factory to take the earliest flight when there were only 2 seats available. They get a Trump for getting the others teams to step aside and offer them the lead. I will penalize this team (actually, I’ll penalize Colin) for letting his hatred of Mirna drive him to goad his struggling lady as she fights to eat the caviar. If you’re so smart about getting all of that stuff down, why didn’t you do it, big boy? He did redeem himself with his emotional admission at the Pit Stop of how proud he was of Christie.

Priceless Quote:
“If you have the motivation to do it, you’ll get it done.” Oh Colin, you could have such a bright future writing greeting cards if you can come up with more gems like this one.

This week: 1 Trump, 20 Omarosas
Overall: 2 Trumps, 50 Omarosas

2. Brandon & Nicole (5th, 3rd) – I’d like to see which translation of the Bible Brandon’s been reading. I think it has a strange translation of the Golden Rule – do unto others before they can do unto you. He drops alliances faster than Ricky Williams can retire from the NFL.

Surprise, surprise. God’s chosen one and his Miss Texas invoked their Christianity at the start of the episode. Brandon, in the last episode you bragged about your bigger stomach, yet you made Nicole tackle the caviar. Wimp. You’ll make your beauty pageant girlfriend block hockey shots even though she hasn’t ice skated since she was 5, but you can’t handle some fish eggs. I laughed every time Brandon got nailed trying to block the pucks. Served him right.

Priceless Quotes:
“I want to live a life that’s an example to others.” That’s right folks – to be a true Christian, you can lie, you can backstab, you can manipulate…but you better not touch a drop of alcohol.

Brandon: “We’re committed.”
Nicole: “You’re an idiot.” Hello, Obvious Award for Nic.

“If this hurts, you’re in a lot of trouble.” Must.not.comment.

“You have a taste for the good life, you were Miss Texas!” True, but she’s slumming with you now.

“Do you want to go in there and take another bite to see what it feels like?” Must.not.comment.again.

“Just punish that. We are at the goal line.” What is it with these guys and their pithy motivational speeches? I expected the Notre Dame fight song to play in the background as Brandon told Nic to win one for the Gipper.

This week: Ah, why bother? I'll stab them in the back later, since that's the style they can identify with.
Overall: 1 Trump, 130 Omarosas

3. Chip & Kim (1st, 4th) – At the beginning of the episode, we hear Chip commenting about wanting to be in the lead instead of a bottom feeder. Who did not catch the foreshadowing? Shame on you. Bravo to Chip for handling the caviar so well.

Priceless Quotes:
“We can’t be mad at them because they’re playing the game.” Hold it. A team that actually remembers this is a game and keeps the actions of the other teams in perspective? I must have imagined this.

This week: Nothing.
Overall: 140 Omarosas

T-4. Linda & Karen (6th, T-5th) – Were they even in this episode?

Priceless Quote:
“We beat the twins in an eating contest, imagine that.” Show of hands…who was surprised? Anyone?

This week: Nothing.
Overall: 160 Omarosas

T-4. Marshall & Lance (3rd, T-5th) – Sigh. Last week, they were at least good for a few quotes. This week they were just boring.

Priceless Quote:
“We can’t be mad at them, but they’re scumbags.” Nice to see you’re not holding a grudge for being outplayed, boys.

This week: Nothing.
Overall: 160 Omarosas

6. Kami & Karli – They didn’t even have any interesting quotes this week. I think I liked it better when they were swearing at each other and being generally annoying.

This week: Nothing.
Overall: 180 Omarosas

7. Charla & Mirna (4th, 8th) – Mirna has an interesting strategy – act annoying to motivate the other teams, then hit on Phil at the Pit Stop. It’s working so far, but I doubt it will be effective in the long-term. After all, she’s already proven to be so annoying that teams will help out other teams just to keep her away. Case in point: Colin buying all the remaining tickets so that they couldn’t ride on the bus with him. Speaking of tickets, they lucked out when their stupid mistake of relying on standby instead of securing reservations worked out in the long run. They could have ended up at the back of the pack, but a lucky cancellation put them back up front. At some point, their luck – and emergencies and pleas to let them have plane tickets to get to the doctor – are going to run out.

Priceless Quotes:
“Being a lawyer, I have to deal with people I don’t like.” Mirna, looking in the mirror, you have to deal with people you don’t like.

“We have God, and we have ourselves.” Mirna, you’re not sticking to the script. Brandon & Nicole have been cast as the God Squad. You’re playing the part of the Obnoxious Shrew. Please, don’t read anyone else’s lines.

Mirna talking about Colin: “He’s a criminal.” You keep using that word. I don’t think it means what you think it means.

“My ass is too big.” And your brain is too small.

“I give you kiss if you take it easy.” I was extremely disappointed that the hockey players weren't sending high-speed slapshots at Mirna’s head after this comment.

“Put the damn thing in your mouth. Shove it.” Mirna, the audience would like for you to put some damn thing in your mouth so that you stop talking for at least 2 seconds. Maybe even stop talking permanently. We can dream, can’t we? And stealing Teresa Heinz Kerry’s catch phrase is not going to earn you any points either.

This week: 60 Omarosas
Overall: 1 Trump, 275 Omarosas

8. Bob & Joyce (4, T-1st) – We hardly knew ya. Obviously, you’re better at communicating via the Internet rather than making an impression in person. And you committed one of the major TAR sins by not realizing until too late that your reservations were in business class instead of coach. Am I the only person on the planet who checks the accuracy of my airline reservations at the point when I actually make the reservations? You would think that these folks would learn, and would make sure they got these reservations right while they’re dealing with the ticketing agents. But for the second week in a row, poor plane ticket purchasing dooms a couple early in the episode. Thanks for boring us as much with your method of exit as you bored us throughout your time on the show. They couldn’t even come up with original quotes in their farewell, stealing from Jerry Maguire and Josh Groban:

“Bob completes me.”
“She builds me up.” …So I can stand on mountains…oops, sorry, not time for my dramatic aria.

This week: 300 Omarosas
Overall: 1 Trump, 330 Omarosas

Next week – Everyone hurts. Marshall’s hurt. A twin is hurt. A bowling mom is hurt. My brain hurts. The only thing worse than watching these folks run is watching them hobble and whine. Please, please, please let something interesting happen.

edited to add B&N score - thanks for catching that!

Have whip, will travel.