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"****Official Summary: The Amazing Race 5, Episode 3, Continuation of Episode 2 Title – Don't Cry For Me, Argentina. The Truth Is I Never Left You.****"
dajaki 1454 desperate attention whore postings
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07-23-04, 01:48 AM (EST)
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"****Official Summary: The Amazing Race 5, Episode 3, Continuation of Episode 2 Title – Don't Cry For Me, Argentina. The Truth Is I Never Left You.****" |
****Official Summary: The Amazing Race 5, Episode 3, Continuation of Episode 2 Title – Don't Cry For Me, Argentina. The Truth Is I Never Left You.****Previously on The Amazing Race: Ten teams of Americans involved in a variety of slightly dysfunctional relationships set out from Punta Vallena, Uruguay and traveled to San Antonio, Argentina. Along the way, the twenty contestants pronounced Montevideo in every possible way except the correct one, got fondled by drunken soapy Uruguayans, took a ferry (Donny translation: boat) to Buenos Aires, visited the grave of a charmingly fascist First Lady later played on stage and screen by Patti LuPone and Madonna respectively, walked a passel of pooches or hunted down hot tango guys and stalked formally clad bovines. In the end, one of America’s most reviled couples was eliminated (and I don’t mean Mary Matalin and James Carville because each person in that couple can only claim to be disliked by ½ of the country). Now, after a mandatory 12-hour break which featured eating and sleeping (So thrilling! Really, I wish they would show more clips of that!), the nine teams that are left to carry on the Ugly American International Tour are ready to set out. Our teams are . . .
1. Brandon and Nicole (Team Puff ‘n Stuff- you know she’ll be posing soon - leaving the Pit Stop at 11:50 p.m.) – One is dim-witted and the other is dim-witted and condescending.
2. Charla and Mirna (Team Banshee leaving the Pit Stop at 11:51 p.m.) – One bears a striking resemblance to Evita Peron and the other bears heavy burdens surprisingly well.
3. Jim and Marsha (Team Clueless leaving the Pit Stop at 12:21 a.m.) – One fails to plan and the other fails to plant his feet properly when running.
4. Linda and Karen (Team Pinhead leaving the Pit Stop at 12:28 a.m.) – One is boisterously annoying and the other is annoyingly boisterous.
5. Bob and Joyce (Team AARP leaving the Pit Stop at 12:31 a.m.) – One has guns and the other gums his food.
6. Colin and Christie (Team Intensity leaving the Pit Stop at 12:32 a.m.) – One is a featherbrain and the other has feathered hair.
7. Marshall and Lance (Team FatBoyz leaving the Pit Stop at 12:41 a.m.) – One is a chubby pig and the other is a chubby pig with glasses.
8. Chip and Kim (Team TwinBuster leaving the Pit Stop at 1:08 a.m.) – One wears a bandana for a fashion statement and the other wears a bandana to cover a bald dome.
9. Kami and Karli (Team Blondie leaving the Pit Stop at 1:13 a.m.) – These two are interchangeable in every way, including their names. And while I’m at it and have a bully pulpit, why do some people insist on giving their twins similar names? I kid you not; my pregnant friend is going to name her twins McKenna Renee and McKayla Regan. This is just cruel. As the teams leave the Pit Stop, a gen-u-ine Argentinean ranch called La Portaña, they receive the instruction to make their way to San Carlos de Bariloche in Patagonia (Check out the cheap land in Patagonia at world-homes.net. Your employer will be glad that you have another website to occupy your time). Drives to airports are never terribly exciting, so I’ll just list the highlights.
Highlight 1: Puff, giving a hint that his hair is actually growing into his brain, tells Stuff to stop the car when she’s in a muddy quagmire. Of course, the car is now stuck and requires the assistance of a conveniently placed tractor to tow it out. This is the 3rd piece of evidence that Bruckheimer is controlling the race (remember Team Banshee making the ferry that they were late for and Team Clueless catching their 4:00 flight despite having just over an hour to get to an emergency clinic for 25 stitches).
Highlight 2: Charla pretends to be an airplane in an effort to get directions from uncomprehending locals.
Highlight 3: We learn that Linda and I have something in common; both of our middle names are MarioAndretti.
Highlight 4: Team AARP reveals that they don’t think you need to be physically fit to win the race despite the fact that all previous race winners are.
Highlight 5: Team FatBoyz proves that two fat Jewish guys can change a tire.
Highlight 6: Chip reveals his own name for Team Blondie – The Bad Seeds. As in all episodes, the airport equalizer is in effect. Every team has several hours to jockey for position with ticket agents in order to get on the first available flight to Patagonia. This part of the episode gets a little confusing as teams purchase tickets for one available flight and try to get on stand-by for other flights. In the meantime, feelings are hurt as Team Puff ‘n Stuff “betrays” Team Banshee, Team Banshee ticks off Team FatBoyz, and Team Clueless looks out for everyone but themselves and may have to resort to planes, trains and automobiles to get to Patagonia. Eventually, four flights successfully transport the racers to Bariloche. The first flight, leaving at 9:10 a.m. and arriving at 11:30 a.m., carries Team Intensity and Team Banshee. Colin, while confirming stand-by status for this flight, turns to Christie and says, “You know what? Just stop talking, okay? Because you’re real high strung and it’s stressing these people out.” Yeah, right. I think Colin confuses being intense with being rude. I haven’t a clue what Christie sees in him. Team Banshee convinces the ticket agent to give them priority when Charla states that she needs to get to Bariloche to see the “doctoro.” Okay, a couple of things. (1) Just adding an “o” to the end of an English word does not make it Spanish. Believe it or not, “doctor” in English is also “doctor” in Spanish; just pronounce long “o” sounds. (2) What kind of medical specialist is located in a small town in Patagonia rather than in Buenos Aires, the capital of Argentina? Is the ticket agent stupid or did she just want to get Team Banshee out of her face? The second flight, leaving at 9:40 a.m. and arriving at 12:00 p.m., carries Team FatBoyz and Team Puff ‘n Stuff. Nicole, while waiting for confirmation of which flight they’re on, decides to pray to the Lord who is apparently channeling through the Información display. The third flight, leaving at 10:35 a.m. and arriving at 12:30 p.m., carries Team Pinhead, Team AARP, Team TwinBuster and Team Blondie. That, unfortunately, leaves Team Clueless to take the last flight at 11:30 a.m. arriving at 1:45 p.m. even though Marsha had actually purchased a ticket for the 9:10 a.m. flight. Makes one wonder that if they had been aggressive enough, they could have gotten priority stand-by as one ticket was already paid for. You see why I named Jim and Marsha "Team Clueless", don't you? Upon arrival in Bariloche, teams find big old jeeps waiting for them so that they can drive themselves into town. Destination: Mayor's office. Team Intensity wants the jeep with the best tires so that they can run over Mirna repeatedly. As Teams Intensity and Banshee are pulling into town, Teams FatBoyz and Puff 'n Stuff arrive at the Bariloche airport. Puff, who received useful information from a local aboard the flight, shares with the FatBoyz exactly how to get to the mayor's office. Apparently, Puff has yet to grasp the fact that he's in a competition . . . for ONE MILLION DOLLARS. Team Intensity is the first to arrive at the mayor's office where they are greeted with open arms. Actually, only Christie is greeted this way as Colin is swept aside by the local official. Colin mutters something in Spanish that Bruckheimer translates as an exclamation over the beauty of the town but was probably closer to "Dude, is that a rug?" The mayoral clue instructs Team Intensity, and for that matter all other teams, to del Turista Chocolates. I think it's hilarious that in a town full of chocolate shops, they end up at the one specifically designed for tourists. Makes me think that there are thousands of empty boxes of Ex-Lax in the alley dumpster. Upon arrival at del Turista, teams learn that they have a Roadblock. Now, as all you Phil-philes know, a Roadblock is a task only one person can perform. In this case, the person must bite through pieces of chocolate until they find one with a white center. The kicker is that there are only 20 white-cream-filled pieces among 11,000 chocolate morsels. I think that works out to something like 0.2%. Why would anyone complain about this task? Sounds like a dream come true, or at least one of my dreams. Of course, I am 8 months pregnant and have developed a killer of a sweet tooth. Okay, it's time for highlights again in the order in which the teams finished the Roadblock.
Team Banshee: Charla follows Mirna's orders to bite and spit. Upon finding the white chocolate, she vaults off the chair she was standing on in a move that would make any Olympic gymnast proud. As Charla runs the wrong direction, Mirna yells "Give it to the master!" The master, by the way, is an Oompa Loompa (you think I'm kidding, but I'm not!) and, fortunately, Charla gives him the chocolate and not anything else that can be implied by the word "it" in today's society.
Team Intensity: Colin displays more rudeness (a.k.a. intensity) when he pounds on the glass and orders Christie to "Look at these!" chocolates while he's biting into them. She immediately shouts "Cream!" and Colin gets even more rude (a.k.a. intense) when he realizes she's wrong.
Team Puff 'n Stuff: Brandon believes that he has a better chance at winning the lottery than finding the necessary chocolate. When he does find it, he tells the short chef "Gracias caballero." Brandon, honey, that isn't a cowboy hat on his head. Did I say dim-witted earlier? Yeah, I thought so.
Team AARP: No highlight. Joyce does it without her dentures falling out.
Team Blondie: No highlight and I seriously don't know which one performs the task.
Team PinHead: Linda MarioAndretti BowlingMom (is that a Native American name?) completes the Roadblock while yelling, "This is cr*p!" Despite his culinary artistry being constantly insulted, the master keeps that cheesy grin on his face. Yeah, boxes and boxes of Ex-Lax for sure.
Team TwinBuster: Again, no highlight, but Chip performs admirably.
Team FatBoyz: I bet you thought I forgot about these guys, didn't you? But no. Even though Marshall began the Roadblock just after Team Puff 'n Stuff left, he didn't finish until after all four teams from the flight that arrived 30 minutes behind his flight finished. May I just say, "Ha Ha Ha HA Ha!"
Team Clueless: No highlight, but by the time Jim was able to start the Roadblock there had been 2 shift changes at the chocolate factory. It's time for the Roadblock scorecard. I've been keeping one since Flo (1 Roadblock) and Jaree (0 Roadblocks). I just hate it when one team member has to do all the work. Team Banshee: Mirna 1, Charla 1. Team Puff 'n Stuff: Brandon 2, Nicole 0. Team Intensity: Colin 2, Christie 0. Team AARP: Bob 1, Joyce 1. Team Blondie: No clue, so I'll give them the benefit of the doubt - Kami 1, Karli 1. Team PinHead: Karen 1, Linda 1. Team TwinBuster: Chip 2, Kim 0. Team FatBoyz: Marshall 1, Lance 1. Team Clueless: Marsha 1, Jim 1. After teams finish the Roadblock, they are given directions to drive 14 miles to Villa Catedral, take a gondola up a mountain and search for the next clue. Team Banshee hits the road after a slight difficulty with their jeep and the pleasure of hearing one of Team FatBoyz yell "B!tch!" while passing. This mature display reminds me of something that happened to me just two weeks ago. I went out in front of my house to turn off the sprinkler when a high school kid in his mom's Ford Taurus drove by. All of his windows were rolled down (I'm in Phoenix, kids. Hello! 110° anybody?) and he yelled at me, "You're fat!" Did I mention that I'm 8 months pregnant? That poor boy is just another argument against social promotion in our public schools. Team Banshee and Team Intensity are the first to arrive at the gondola and find the Detour at the top. The choices are Smooth Sailing or Rough Riding. Smooth Sailing is a tandem paragliding jump to a flowery meadow and Rough Riding is a 6-mile mountain bike trek down the same mountain to the same flowery meadow. Hmmm. Now which choice do you think every team is going to make? Have you ever ridden a mountain bike 6 miles? Downhill? People who do that professionally usually end up looking like earthquake survivors, bloody and muddy. Both teams, predictably, choose Smooth Sailing. Team Intensity leads the way while Team Banshee holds back. Mirna is frightened yet doesn't want to project her fright to Charla and freak her out. Got news for you, Mirna. Your little cousin ain't afraid of much. The two teams make it safely to the meadow and read the route marker which directs them another 14 miles down the road to Bahia Lopez, the site of the off-shore Pit Stop. As Team Banshee and Team Intensity race to Phil and his Argentinean love children, the remaining teams arrive at the Detour at various times. All teams choose Smooth Sailing and all teams land safely with the possible exception of Team TwinBuster. Chip wonders if the paragliding has left him sterile and Kim prays that it's so. The most touching moment is when Jim states, "We're not quitting 'til it's over. As far as we're concerned, we still have a chance to win." Yep, Team Clueless. The teams make their way to Pit Stop Phil in the following order:
Team Intensity - They are starting to learn how the game needs to be played.
Team Banshee - They climb all over Phil and he awkwardly hugs them back.
Team Puff 'n Stuff - Nicole forces Brandon to carry her through the 1" deep water.
Team AARP - They give a stupid little "WooHoo!" cheer.
Team Blondie - They strip and swim to the island. I just loved it when Phil mocked them for it. Hee Hee Hee.
Team PinHead - Phil asks them if they wouldn't mind sharing their cool shirts. Sorry Phil, I had to take a poke at your wardrobe at some point.
Team TwinBuster - They are just excited to have moved up a notch.
Team FatBoyz - They celebrate their 2nd to last place finish with "What up! What up!" Uh, I don't know. What up?
Team Clueless - So sad to see Marsha and Jim gone. However, after their touching final words, I was kind of glad it was over. If I had to put up with that sap in future episodes, I really would have grown to hate them. Next time on The Amazing Race: Team Banshee ticks off yet another team (big surprise there!), a bad decision causes a rift between Marshall and Lance (I think the bad decision was to come on The Amazing Race), and Brandon and Colin exact Roadblock revenge on their women by forcing large quantities of poor grade caviar down their gullets. Can't wait to see the Texas girls cry!
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dabo 26942 desperate attention whore postings
DAW Level: "Playboy Centerfold"
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07-23-04, 03:19 AM (EST)
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1. "RE: ****Official Summary: The Amazing Race 5, Episode 3, Continuation of Episode 2 Title – Don't Cry For Me, Argentina. The Truth Is I Never Left You.****" |
Fun summ! Lot of good stuff, I laffed and laffed! I can't tell which Blondie is which either. Excellent recap of an episode that got stuck first in the mud and then on stand-by and finally in chocolate hell, well done. SMILES ARE FREE
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Draco Malfoy 10525 desperate attention whore postings
DAW Level: "Playboy Centerfold"
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07-23-04, 06:30 AM (EST)
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2. "RE: ****Official Summary: The Amazing Race 5, Episode 3, Continuation of Episode 2 Title – Don't Cry For Me, Argentina. The Truth Is I Never Left You.****" |
See, this is why I came back. I needed some summary action!
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geg6 14941 desperate attention whore postings
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07-23-04, 10:25 AM (EST)
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3. "RE: ****Official Summary: The Amazing Race 5, Episode 3, Continuation of Episode 2 Title – Don't Cry For Me, Argentina. The Truth Is I Never Left You.****" |
Awesomely funny summary.
-goes off to find some Sharky wipes for her screen.
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volleygrl 220 desperate attention whore postings
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07-23-04, 11:26 AM (EST)
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5. "RE: ****Official Summary: The Amazing Race 5, Episode 3, Continuation of Episode 2 Title – Don't Cry For Me, Argentina. The Truth Is I Never Left You.****" |
Great job! Well Done! provided by JSlice
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Molaholic 9015 desperate attention whore postings
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07-23-04, 01:47 PM (EST)
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6. "RE: ****Official Summary: The Amazing Race 5, Episode 3, Continuation of Episode 2 Title – Don't Cry For Me, Argentina. The Truth Is I Never Left You.****" |
Yet again, another excellent summary. One highlight for me:Team PinHead: Linda MarioAndretti BowlingMom (is that a Native American name?) completes the Roadblock while yelling, "This is cr*p!" Despite his culinary artistry being constantly insulted, the master keeps that cheesy grin on his face. Yeah, boxes and boxes of Ex-Lax for sure.The bar has been put up pretty high, future summaryers. But I have every confidence. A.S.S. PTB Red Points CONSOLATION winner
 sigpic a GeorgiaBelle creation MMIV
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BOYmeetsREALITY 308 desperate attention whore postings
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07-23-04, 07:45 PM (EST)
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7. "RE: ****Official Summary: The Amazing Race 5, Episode 3, Continuation of Episode 2 Title – Don't Cry For Me, Argentina. The Truth Is I Never Left You.****" |
" The master, by the way, is an Oompa Loompa "HAHAHA! Team Blondie swimming to the Pit Stop while everyone else walked across was truly the epsode's highlight!
God Bless Phil for saying something about it! Great summary DAJAKI! 
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Breezy 18380 desperate attention whore postings
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07-23-04, 09:03 PM (EST)
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8. "RE: ****Official Summary: The Amazing Race 5, Episode 3, Continuation of Episode 2 Title – Don't Cry For Me, Argentina. The Truth Is I Never Left You.****" |
Great job! Thankyou for pointing out Colin's intensity rudeness. 
Save a horse, ride a cowboy.
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I_AM_HE 6123 desperate attention whore postings
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07-23-04, 10:26 PM (EST)
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10. "RE: ****Official Summary: The Amazing Race 5, Episode 3, Continuation of Episode 2 Title – Don't Cry For Me, Argentina. The Truth Is I Never Left You.****" |
thanks dajaki! i always look forward to your summaries i'm not sure why this line in particular stuck out, but the 'God speaking through the Informacion display' bit was one that I thought deserved special mention. of course the whole thing was excellent, as always 
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Sunny_Bunny 5597 desperate attention whore postings
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07-23-04, 11:24 PM (EST)
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11. "RE: ****Official Summary: The Amazing Race 5, Episode 3, Continuation of Episode 2 Title – Don't Cry For Me, Argentina. The Truth Is I Never Left You.****" |
Always a fun time reading your summary's Djaki!!only Christie is greeted this way as Colin is swept aside by the local official. Colin mutters something in Spanish that Bruckheimer translates as an exclamation over the beauty of the town but was probably closer to "Dude, is that a rug?" Hee hee!!
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silverfalcon 11 desperate attention whore postings
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07-23-04, 11:43 PM (EST)
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12. "RE: ****Official Summary: The Amazing Race 5, Episode 3, Continuation of Episode 2 Title – Don't Cry For Me, Argentina. The Truth Is I Never Left You.****" |
FINALLY! After 3 years (five or take a couple of months) I FINALLY can make a comment (didn't have a stable email address until now). Love the summary! Team Blondie...can't stop roflol! 
(BTW How does everyone get those cute signature boxes?)
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J Slice 13166 desperate attention whore postings
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07-24-04, 07:20 AM (EST)
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14. "RE: ****Official Summary: The Amazing Race 5, Episode 3, Continuation of Episode 2 Title – Don't Cry For Me, Argentina. The Truth Is I Never Left You.****" |
I make sigs. Something you'd like? 
You've got the looks, I've got the brains, let's make lots of money. - Pet Shop Boys, Opportunities
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TeamJoisey 3558 desperate attention whore postings
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07-23-04, 11:58 PM (EST)
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13. "RE: ****Official Summary: The Amazing Race 5, Episode 3, Continuation of Episode 2 Title – Don't Cry For Me, Argentina. The Truth Is I Never Left You.****" |
Very funny stuff! Great nicknames (Pinheads is a keeper) and I loved the bullets.Every summary should have bullets...
uh, bullet points. And yes, the Lord often speaks through airport information displays. LOL!!
These reality show contestants need a reality check!
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strid333 2928 desperate attention whore postings
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07-24-04, 12:41 PM (EST)
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15. "RE: ****Official Summary: The Amazing Race 5, Episode 3, Continuation of Episode 2 Title – Don't Cry For Me, Argentina. The Truth Is I Never Left You.****" |
Hillarious summary. I loved it!
Three is the perfect number.
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Puffy 6702 desperate attention whore postings
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07-26-04, 06:55 PM (EST)
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17. "Puff 'n Stuff" |
Team Puff'n Stuff? I resemble that nickname.
J Slice original
enjoyed the summary
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Estee 57126 desperate attention whore postings
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07-29-04, 09:16 AM (EST)
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19. "RE: ****Official Summary: The Amazing Race 5, Episode 3, Continuation of Episode 2 Title – Don't Cry For Me, Argentina. The Truth Is I Never Left You.****" |
The brightest gem excavated from the deep, dark, flooded mine that was this episode: Makes me think that there are thousands of empty boxes of Ex-Lax in the alley dumpster. Oh, if only... 'We'll be right back to see our teams check in at The Amazing Pit Stop. And stay there for twelve hours.' (Oh, yeah: and if they have their window rolled down to yell something at you, it's rolled down for you to throw something at them.)
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samboohoo 17173 desperate attention whore postings
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07-30-04, 03:00 PM (EST)
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20. "RE: ****Official Summary: The Amazing Race 5, Episode 3, Continuation of Episode 2 Title – Don't Cry For Me, Argentina. The Truth Is I Never Left You.****" |
What a way to spend a Friday. Must work, but can't stop laughing.
Slice & Dice Chop Shop 2004
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qwertypie 9776 desperate attention whore postings
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07-31-04, 11:41 PM (EST)
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21. "RE: ****Official Summary: The Amazing Race 5, Episode 3, Continuation of Episode 2 Title – Don't Cry For Me, Argentina. The Truth Is I Never Left You.****" |
Thanks, I had to miss the ep, your recap was wonderful.
Slice & Dice Chop Shop 2004
Good luck with the birthing!
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