If you can lose your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you;
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
Even though you are going in the wrong direction too;
If you can bunch and not be tired by bunching,
Or, being lied about, and deal in lies,
Or, being yielded, and not give way to yielding,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise;

If you can run quickly - and not make speed your master;
If you can read - and not make the directions your aim;
If you can meet with Romber and the Guidos
And treat those two imposters just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth Phil’s spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for tools,
And watch the roadblock or detour lengthen,
Later teams arriving to prove you wornout fools;

If you can make one heap of all your clues
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and search while burns the fuse
And whine continuously about your loss;
If you can force the brain and wits within you
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on?";

If you can talk with taxi drivers and keep your virtue,
Or walk with the native greeter – and not lose the common touch;
If neither superleg nor non-elimination can hurt you;
If Bolo counts with you, but two too much;
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With fifteen seconds' worth of distance run -
Yours is the Race and everything that's in it,
And - which is more - you'll (70%) be a Man my son!

With apologies to Rudyard Kipling

Do you like Kipling? I don’t know I’ve never Kipled

Well it sort of worked

I was going to write this in the style of Kipling, however I then realised that it is about 20 years a long time since I have read any of his books, or even seen the Jungle Book, and so decided against it.

Where I got bored things may not be as you remember them

If you are not offended by any of this summary then I apologise.

So to the race…

First up, what happened last week, I could tell you this, but Dajaki does a much better job. Go and read her summary now

I mean it, I’m not starting until you read the summary from last week

So last week Lance and Keri ran around with no idea of what they were doing 90% of the time, however Ron and Marcy either were caught by a very uneven detour, or proved that the over 70’s are just as illiterate as any other generation and received the beach holiday they so richly deserved.

So on to leg 3? Well 4 really, however let us not go against the omniscient network and pretend it is leg 3.

Setting off from the mat are:

1/ Nathaniel and Herbert – There is something so wonderfully Victorian about those names, Herbert Algernon Fortescue-Smythe esq., and Sir Nathaniel Percy I dub thee Phileas Fogg & Passepartout

2/ Meghan and Cheyne – Clean cut, and good racers, not sure how much time they have had on the show yet. In my youth I used to go and watch a lot of live bands, one of the bands I saw a couple of times supporting other people was called The Invisibles, which lead to the joke “What did you think of the Invisibles?” “Oh I didn’t see them”. So Team Invisible it is.

3/ Gary and Matt – Not that clean cut, Bill Bryson has a wonderful quote about farmers, which goes something like “They aren’t stupid, just out of practice, it doesn’t take Einstein to outwit a field of wheat”. These two are physically strong (farmers), and have common sense (farmers). However because of the introduction I think this can be Team Cat (mainly because I cannot be a*sed to type Team Cat’s in the cradle whenever they appear.)

4/ Brian and Ericka – A bickering couple, she has won an award for her beauty, he, to be fair, hasn’t, for some reason I am seeing them as the reincarnation of Team Wilma. So Team Beauty and the Beast

5/ Sam and Dan – Two brothers, one is relatively calm and controlled, one is relatively impetuous and impulsive, does this sound like the premise of a sitcom to anyone else? Everybody welcome Team Two’s Company

6/ Maria and Tiffany – Two very good poker players, who were called on a very poor bluff earlier in the season. Trying very hard to come up with a PG13 name Team Derrière it is then

7/ Mika and Canaan – Country song writing and singing God botherers, he doesn’t do sexual things with her, which leads to two questions 1) Does he use Bills definition of sexual? and 2) Does he visit Vegas with Zev instead? Team Gods chosen country .

8/ Zev and Justin – If any friend of mine revealed on national TV what Justin revealed about Zev there would be an accounting… That said they get on very well together, and (not to be too obvious, however I am on page 3 already and haven’t started the race bit yet) therefore they are Team Dirac & Heisenberg

9/ Keri and Lance (‘cos it is the only time she is ever going to come first) – What can I say about this team that hasn’t been said before? Very little, and that may not be original either. She cannot navigate, he flies off the handle and seems unable to think in a stressful situation, are these my parents taken forward in time? Team Lake

And now comes the voice of Phil telling us that the nine teams are leaving from Reunification palace in Ho Chi Minh city Vietnam.

1. Phileas Fogg & Passepartout depart at 6:53pm and are told to fly to Phnom Penh in Cambodia (now with added Hs) where they have to hgo to the forheign correspondants cluhb and ask an out of work actor the assignment editor for their next assighnment in a whisper.
Apparently they are getting closer by cleaning each others socks and underware. I didn't need that image TYVM.

2. Team Invisible depart at 06:54pm and apparently they only have to fly to Phnom Penh in Cambodia
3. Team Cat depart at 06:58pm who have to fly to Nom Penh in Cambodia,
4. Team Beauty and the Beast depart at 06:59pm who aren't told where to go, but they and their whistle have 91 dollars to get there, apparently they want to be called team Jungle Fever, erm, no.
5. Team Two’s Company depart at 07:06pm who are told to go to Cambodia
6. Team Derriere depart at 07:16pm and also have 91 dollars for this leg. Does this mean that teams are going to be swapping money and directions at the airport?

So teams Phileas Fogg & Passepartout and Team Invisible make it to the airport to find out that there are no more flights with Vietnam Airlines today, and they are the only company that flies the route, and the first flight is at 12:25pm...

Does this make the start of the show:
a) Pointless
b) Only of interest to people playing in Jims casino
c) A big bunch
or
d) Paris, France?

7. Team Gods chosen country depart at 07:25pm. they also have 91 dollars and are busy going to a long wait at the airport fast, although we learn that they also have to go to the foreign correspondants club and ask an out of work actor the assignment editor for their next assignment in a whisper. Meghan says she is good at whispering, the taxi driver and I share an incredulous look.
8. Team Dirac & Heisenberg depart at 07:31pm who are also off to Cambodia, although they seem to believe that they are going to visit Sean Penn.
9. Team Lake depart at 07:32pm they says something, but I cannot get through the accent, and then instead of yelling at each other they decide to yell for a taxi instead. And then let us know, well Lance lets us know, that they are getting married after the race.

That's exactly 60 minutes Jims

And soon all the teams are hanging around the Air Vietnam ticket office, however *gasp* there aren't enough tickets for Team Dirac & Heisenberg or Team Lake they are told that they will have to take the flight at 02:15pm, which is helpfully subtitled, however why the ticket ladies who I can hear and understand are being subtitled, and Keri who I cannot isn't I don't know.

Morning comes, and the teams all rush to be first on the aeroplane, I'm just waiting to see who is going to be standing behind the pilot yelling RAPIDO.

Dash it Asrai is stealing wool from my sheep again, huh, oh yes, after much begging teams Dirac & Heisenberg and Team Lake are allowed on the same flight as everone else.

Still bunched then...

The teams land in Phnom Penh and all leap in Taxhis who know where the forheign correspondants cluhb is

The assignment editor gives them a paper which contains a photo of Jackie Kennedy-Onassis and tells them that she has an hotel suite named after her. It is actually a clue! They have to find the hotel, and when they find a photograph of JK-O on the wall the attendant will give them their next one.

No-one seems to recognise American royalty, however most of the locals recognise that the photo was taken just outside the Royal Hotel, although to be fair even if they had identified her how much use would that be? If someone were to ask me where the Barbara Bush suite was then I'm sure (if there were more than one hotel in my home town) that I wouldn't have a clue.

Meanwhile Canaan is yelling at the editor that he wants his next task, and the editor just shakes his head in disgust, finally he remembers to whisper and ask for his assignment, and they set off heroically in last place.

Meanwhile going across town some people start to recognise Jackie (not Dajaki just a Jackie, you did read the summary right?) others say that she is a generic Cambodian Queen, or even Queen Elizabeth (who must be in good shape for having been dead over 400 years)

Team Dirac & Heisenberg are the first to the hotel, they ask their driver to wait, and are given a detour. For some reason we are not told that a detour is a choice between two tasks however the two tasks are:

Cover - Teams must sell motorcycle helmets to a family of four for 10 Cambodian dollars, as no-one seems to be wearing helmets on their motorcycles, and are happy to have a family of four on them this could be a tough task.

or

Wrap The teams must go to the Russian Market and find stall 980/1 where the proprieter will give them an intricately patterened Silk scarf, they must then run around the market and find a lady wearing the same scarf, on returning both to stalls 980/1 they will be given the next clue.

Team Dirac & Heisenberg are ecstatic that their driver Terry has waited for them, and are off to the Russian market.

Teams Cat and Beauty and the Beast decided to do their own detour to the royal palace, and although it does appear they were thinking of breaking in wiser heads prevail, and they leap into Tuk Tuks and head off again.

However everyone decides to do Wrap, excepting Team Lake who are going to threaten to talk to the locals until they buy helmets in sheer self defence.

Team Dirac & Heisenberg find their lady and are given the next task, travel on foot to "hwa hu ugly Betty" (or so Zev would have us believe), Phil says that they are travelling on foot to "What a tool tom pongs", I think I prefer the other version. A beautiful looking temple, which contains a clue box in one of its courtyards. As Terry their driver has proved so good for them they let him drive and jog along behind. They are so far ahead it is amazing, he really must be one of the best taxi drivers in Sean Penn.

Other teams arrive at the Russian market and start grabbing scarves, and locals with abandon, except Team Gods chosen country who amble around wondering if they are still in Nashville, and Phileas Fogg & Passepartout who enlist the assistance of two ladies from Pennsylvania. Second team away from the market are Two’s Company, who go with Phils pronunciation of their destination.

Meanwhile team Derrière are in the back, stuck in traffic.

Team Dirac & Heisenberg arrive at the temple and retrieve the clue to find out that it is a Roadblock, which member of the team wants to go bananananas. In Cambodia monkeys are revered so much that the royal family employ a monkey master who trains dancers to act like monkeys just in case the supply should run out. One person from each team must pull on a mask and tail and, so Phil tells us "literally go bananas", apparently "literally go bananas" means walk across a pole in three different ways, looking like a money all the way, Lance is going to be disappointed, he has been going bananas since the start of the race, however so far this has not involved poles. Zev volunteers, and we get a flash to show us that there is an entire circus there (plus many people dressed as monkeys) it looks like great fun. Either when they arrived, or now Zev and Justin went into the temple where Justin put on his head flashlight. Zev appears to complete the first two bits of monkey business very quickly.

And we move to team Lake, and I swear Keris voice sounded just like a motorhorn as she was trying to persuade bewildered locals into buying motorcycle helmets.

Back at the market and Team Beauty and the Beast are the third to grab some poor lady with a questionable taste in fashion and head off to be as one with their inner monkey, closely followed by Phileas Fogg & Passepartout. and the Derrières finally arrive at the market.

Zev is having problems with the third monkey walk, Justin helpfully tells us that Zev has the body of an eighty year old man, strange thing to have in your rucksack, and it could cause some trouble at customs, but there we go, Two's Company arrive and one of them agrees to do the roadblock. Zev starts chanelling Marge and collapses from the heat, however he is made of stronger stuff than she was and recovers after Justin tells him to focus. (To be fair he is waaaay out of his comfort zone and doing really well, does that mean I have to cut him some slack in a summary?) Justin is his usual supportive self (whilst I am in honesty mode Justin is my favourite racer this time round, controlled, having a good time with his friend, and supportive).

Whilst Zev recovers one of Two's Company completes the monkey task (what I'm supposed to be able to tell them apart, it's only the third show) receives the next clue and are told to go to the pit stop looking for Wat Phnom, a Buddhist shrine built over 600 years ago which is the tallest religious structure in the city (presumably Mammon can build higher) and is where the (very) beautiful native greeter, the mat, and Phil await them.

Phileas Fogg & Passepartout arrive third at the monkey walk, and one of them starts moving in a strange manner across the pole, Zev finally masters his inner monkey and Team Dirac & Heisenberg & Terry head off for the mat, Team Beauty and the Beast arrive fourth at the roadblock, and Ericka volunteers.

Team Lake finally persuade some poor family to buy the helmets, and they are off to do the monkey as well.

Flight Time has no problems with the roadblock, I really thought long legs might be a disadvantage too, and so Phileas Fogg & Passepartout are the third team Philward bound, Ericka has even less trouble and they are fourth.

The Invisibles arrive at the roadblock fifth and Meghan volunteers, closely followed by the Cats for whom Matt volunteers, Cheyne lets us know that Meghan is a monkey and a half, which needs no comment from me.

Meghan finishes quickly, gives herself a little scratch and they are off to see the wizard, still closely followed by team Cats, Team Lake arrive seventh and Keri is going bananas, as presumably is the monkey master as she tries to talk to him. The last two teams in the russian market finally find their scarfmates and are heading for the monkey poles.

Zev and Justin arrive at the mat, and are greeted by Phil, whose mansierre has not yet arrived, and are told that they are team number 1! No holiday though, I guess even the gnome knows there is a credit crunch. They high five each other, Phil, the greeter, Terry, and almost everyone withing a hundred yard radius. Teams Two's Company arrive second and high five no-one. Phileas Fogg & Passepartout arrive seconds behind and are team number 3, and do a little fist bumping in celebration.

Hang on? The camera is showing us Zev and Justin again, Is this to make up for the lack of a holiday? No, they have lost Zevs passport Phil drags them back to the mat and makes them unpack all their stuff, then tells them that they are eliminated unless both of them, and both of their passports make it back to him before the last team does. They call Terry and ask for his help.

Meanwhile back at the monkey business Maria is monkeying around while Keri finishes without swearing at Lance and Lake head off in seventh position, but where are Team Gods chosen country? Ah here they come sauntering to the clue, Canaan informs Mika that he is doing the roadblock before she even gives him a hint as to what it is, they may well have trouble with the Lazy ##### Kim rule later, however Canaan is amazingly good at being a monkey, whilst Maria... well she isn't.

Team Beauty and the Beast arrive and are told they are team number 3 so Zev and Justin are officially back on the course and I have a second weeks perfect bet at the casino, Team Cats arrive in fourth, the Invisibles come in PAT, which seems appropriate. Lance proves he is an idiot as Team Lake come in sixth, Team Gods chosen country stroll to the mat in seventh place, and Phil plays a little game with Team Derrière telling them that they are the last team to arrive, before mentioning that one team had not some in with their passports and so Maria and Tiffany are team number 8.

Team Dirac & Heisenberg can't find the passport and are eliminated by Phil, a sad end, however everyone else hung on to their passports From the Elimination Station we learn that when Justin took his headlamp out in the dark temple Zevs passport fell out of the bag, neither of them spotted it because of the dark.

Next Week - Dubai where it appears Mika doesn't like heights. Cheyne does like driving, and Brian walks through the desert whilst Ericka slides down a ski run, plus Kidflash.
.

And not one joke about administering corporal punishment to the apes