Official TAR Summary Episode 8: Dumbass, Meet Fat Ass

Tonight’s dinner recipe is Cheesy Crock Pot Lasagna. No biggie – just layer sauce, noodles, beef and cheese in the crock pot and let it cook for a few hours. So what happened?
- Used way too much sauce on the early layers, and didn’t have any for the top layer.
- Did not divide up the noodles properly and had way too many for the top layer.
- Oh, and if that’s not enough? One key step was omitted – the crock pot was not turned on.
Tonight’s dinner has been brought to you by Kelly and Christy.

This is Delhi India, the 7th pit stop. Can anyone stop Nick & Starr, who won for the fourth time? At 10:14pm, they read the clue and learn they are to fly to Almaty, Kazakhstan. So Nick, how does it feel to be winning The Amazing Race? Bleaker and bleaker – he’s waiting for someone to blow them away.

Bet he’s a fun one at parties. He’ll probably point out how that lovely homemade cheesecake is a heart attack in disguise.

Toni & Dallas leave next at 10:24. Mom points out that they’re not seen as strong, not a threat. Dallas says the only thing he knows about Kazakhstan is Borat. Mom plays Captain Obvious and tells him not to mention that.

I really need to give her a break. Being Captain Obvious is part of every mom’s job description. Think about the times you’ve heard a mom say stuff like “Don’t touch that hot stove, you’ll burn yourself” or “Don’t eat what the cat threw up, it will make you sick”. She’s just good at her job.

While booking flights, Dallas and Starr are flirting. What else is there to do late at night in a foreign airport while your mommy is buying plane tickets? Dallas says that he won’t let a girl get in the way of winning a million dollars, and he quite practically points out that if he won the millions dollars, he could afford to take her out to dinner. Dallas may be young, but he has learned an important Lesson of Manhood: You have a better chance of getting laid if you buy the girl dinner first.

Terence & Sarah leave at 10:43, while Ken & Tina leave 5 minutes later. But they can’t head to the airport without the Obligatory Relationship Check-In. Dr. Phil takes over the camera as Tina explains that they are doing better on communicating, but are not where they need to be. Where they need to be is in a rubber room for ever getting together in the first place…but don’t ask me, I’m no Oprah.

At midnight, Andrew & Dan bring up the rear as usual and tell us that teams should not be counting them out. What do these people think this is? Mr. Pessimism is in first place, while the Losers are hyping themselves up. Welcome to the Bizarro Edition of The Amazing Race.

Now we’re treated to Foreign Airport Fun, which just translates to people standing in the way and staring as Americans run around like idiots. One of Ken & Tina’s bags broke, Tina keeps walking while Ken looks at the mess. I think Dr. Phil could read a lot into that – Ken standing their staring at the mess, while Tina moves ahead cluelessly. This moment is just screaming for a Carpenters medley. Ooh, the suspense of watching teams stand at ticket counters and watching tickets print out! Three teams made the Lufthansa flight, poor Terence and Sarah didn’t make it. I’m sure Terence will find some way to blame Sarah for this. Andrew and Dan tell the ticket agents use the Obligatory “It’s An Emergency” quote, but Terence and Sarah snag the last seats on the plane before they do.

When the teams land in Boratland (I’m tired of spelling the real name of the country), they all run to the chicken factory. Ken & Tina providing the Obligatory “Counting Chickens Before They Hatch” joke. As the teams arrive in the middle of the night at the mandatory bunching point route marker, Andrew and Dan try to catch up before the place opens. The producers try to generate the Obligatory Fake Suspense via the Obligatory Clueless Cab Driver trick, but their failed attempt just lays an egg. I added that joke as a Bonus to make up for the stupidly named Roadblock. Welcome to a Close Encounter of the Bird Kind. I did not make that one up. Not even my jokes are that bad.

*Obligatory Wave To Mr. Exposition Hands*

One member of each team must search for one of seven golden eggs in the factory by picking up chickens and checking out their asses. Look closely, we’ve found A Theme. There’s also a Fast Forward, where a team can eat fat from a sheep’s ass. Nick & Starr and Terence & Sarah decide to go for it.

@%&)#(*^W&FHEILK%

Is this another freakin’ non-elimination episode???? I should have known as soon I was scheduled to write this week’s summary. Rule #1 of TAR Summary Writing – Bebo always gets the non-elimination leg.

I’m still trying to wrap my mind around the concept of the Fast Forward. Seriously, who thinks of this sort of stuff? I’m picturing the concept meeting with the show creators now…

Moron #1: Hand me another shot of that Cuervo. Speaking of Phil, did you see that episode of The Sarah Silverman Show where a guy got the fat sucked out of his manboobs?

Moron #2: Hey, I’ve got an idea! Let’s do liposuction on a sheep and make the racers eat it!

Moron #3: Are you interviewing for that open writing spot on Survivor or something? I need another drink.

Tina, Toni, and Andrew are looking for eggs, and Toni plucks hers out first.

I now formally apologize for all of the lame chicken jokes. I will try to find Another Theme. How about ass?

Then they have to travel by giant crane truck to Kotobe Arch to find one of two “Mongol warriors” who has been looking for work ever since that nice Borat left the country.

Andrew and Tina find their eggs and are making their way back through the birds. Of course, they do give us the Obligatory “Fly The Coop” joke before they leave the factory.

Why did the Racer cross the road? To eat a sheep’s ass!

Starr saw at the bottom that the ingredients were listed and vowed not to read it until they had finished their two portions of whatever. That’s how most Americans can manage to eat hot dogs, so I applaud her.

At the Fast Forward, Terence realizes it’s “frickin’ meat”. He’s been a vegetarian for like 15, 16 years. So he declares that he can’t eat it. But in typical Terence fashion, once he’s had a chance to complain, he then makes a feeble attempt to begin the task. Sarah correctly solves the puzzle that they’re eating “sheep’s butt”. I don’t even want to think about how she recognized it. Starr’s just shoveling it in without thinking about it.

And we Survivor fans thought it must be bad to live in a shelter that smelled like ass…just think, it could taste like it too.

Toni and Dallas are the first to the “Mongol warriors”, who stumble into a Nature Channel special and show us both a man riding a horse and a man beckoning a hawk. The bird is bearing their next clue and two passes to the soon-to-be-released comic masterpiece, “Borat 2: Asses and Chickens and Racers, Oh My!”.

It’s Detour Time! Time to play two games made popular this country and copied in New York City. The teams have the choice of playing music on the street corner for tips or playing Kazakhstan’s fastest growing game, Can A Team In A Cow Suit Find A Butcher? Toni and Dallas decide that there is nothing Oedipal at all about getting into a costume together and having one of them stare at the other’s ass for an extended period of time.

Sending a team to the butcher dressed like a cow? I’m all in favor of reducing the Stupid People Population, but this just seems a little unfair.

Ken and Tina arrive at the warriors. Poor Andrew and Dan are lost and ask for directions, and show us the real reason why men don’t ask for directions – they don’t understand what they’re being told anyway, so why bother?

Meanwhile, back at the Ass Eatery, Sarah is trying to be supportive, while Terence is acting like he’s going to puke. He doesn’t think he can get through it.

Terence had a little lamb
His face was white as snow
And every time that Terence whined
I wished a pair he’d grow.

Meanwhile, Nick is struggling slightly, but Starr says it’s OK he pukes.

Yes, the TAR editors have been reading their Highlights magazines again. Goofus threatens to puke if he eats the ass fat, while Gallant figures out a way to get it down and vomit without offending citizens of the host country.

Terence finally gives us when he realizes that Starr is almost done eating the ass. Nope, won’t go there. I’ll consider it, but I’ll step back at the last moment. They wimp out, wish Nick & Starr luck, and pause so Terence can barf by the side of the road before they head back to the route marker. Yet another shining upchuck in Amazing Race history.

Ken & Tina get to the Detour decide to have a cow. Ken asks the Obligatory Rhetorical Question “Guess which part I am?” Dude, I’m writing the ass jokes here, back off.

Andrew and Dan are STILL asking for directions. They have again tried the Obligatory “It’s An Emergency” quote, and they were again met with the Obligatory Blank Stares.

Nick finishes off his piece of ass and they get sent to the Pit Stop at Old Square.

Andrew and Dan are STILL asking for directions. They have now added the Obligatory Throw Up The Hands And Act Disgusted.

Sarah goes for the golden egg, since Terence is of no use whatsoever. And this is a surprise because…. That doesn’t stop him from offering his Obligatory Useless Advice, which at this point has been his sole contribution to his team. He’s in amazement that Sarah is actually talking to the chickens. Given the choice between talking to chickens and talking to Terence, yeah, I’d choose the chickens too.

Andrew and Dan are STILL asking for directions. This time, they add the Obligatory Insult The Natives For Not Helping. Meanwhile, Terence & Sarah find the golden egg. Andrew and Dan now give us the Obligatory “We’re Gonna Lose” Pretend Give-Up. Finally, a woman takes pity on the crane driver and gives them directions.

Back at the Pit Stop, Phil sounds like a broken record as he tells Nick & Starr they are Team #1 and win wave runners. Nick says their Never Give Up attitude is what gets them ahead. Um, let’s go to the videotape and listen to that “waiting to get blown past” line from the start of the episode.

Dallas is so excited to make his mom be the ass. He’s mooing and taking advantage of getting to call his mom an ass without getting sent to his room. Tina makes it to the milk place and drinks the milk, but then wonders why they haven’t been given the clue. Dallas and his mom walk past the stall and have to head back. They get their lead back, though, when Tina & Ken leave the stand without reading the clue on the bottom of the glass. Guess they’re having so much fun dressing up and role-playing that they’ve forgotten what they’re supposed to do.

Andrew & Dan give us the Obligatory Griping About Being Teammates as they huff and puff to the “Mongol warriors”.

After drinking the milk, Dallas and Toni make up a lot of momentum by Reading the Clue. Meanwhile, Ken & Tina have gone back and dropped off their cow costume before heading to the butcher. Mom and son are nice enough to tell them that they need to have their costume as they head to the Pit Stop, and they immediately regret being nice to Ken & Tina. As, I’m sure, many people have felt over the years. Both of these teams consider taking a cab until they realize that the clue says they must go on foot.

Foreshadowing.

Andrew and Dan are meandering through the stalls without their shoes, which they’ve left in the theater. After they get the clue at the butcher, they hail a cab. When they arrive at the Pit Stop, they are told they are the fourth team to arrive but have to go back to the Detour and follow the frickin’ directions this time. Translation: Get off your ass and walk to the damn Pit Stop.

I must formally apologize for throwing in Yet Another Ass Joke.

Will the frat boys make it back in time, or will Terence & Sarah pass them because of their mistake? Is this Just Another Obligatory Moment Of Fake Suspense, or this is an Obligatory Stupid Fatal Mistake?

As Terence & Sarah walk around in the cow costume, Terence keeps yelling MOOVE. Yeah, a fake cow yelling MOOOOVE is really going to make a difference. While Andrew & Dan gripe and complain about how slow each other is, Terence is yelling supportive comments to Sarah as they run to the Pit Stop.

QUIZ! Which team is going to finish last?
a) The team that is beating each other up
b) The team that is trying to psych each other up

Hint: Obligatory Editing To Make The Race Look Close By Cutting Back And Forth Between The Teams. That’s never a good sign for the team that’s been behind the whole time.

Sure enough, Andrew and Dan celebrate in their own special way when they realize they have finished fourth (since they are not athletic enough to jump for joy), while we are submitted to the Terence Wail Of Agony when Phil informs he and Sarah have been eliminated from the Race.

It’s not a non-elimination episode? I finally get to summarize an elimination episode? I feel all sunny and gooey inside.

After the Obligatory I Have The Most Wonderful Partner Farewell Speech, I join the many fans struggling to reconcile my joy at Terence’s departure with my frustration of having to deal yet another episode with the frat boys.

Next on The Amazing Race...Dan shows that walking with shoes is just as bad for him as walking without them, while Nick and Starr meet the Obligatory Clueless Cab Driver.

Time to hatch this summary. I’m running out of poultry jokes. Besides, it smells like ass.