LAST EDITED ON 01-26-08 AT 12:29 PM (EST)

Official RTVW Summary
The Amazing Race 12: Finale Episode
“I’ve Already Forgotten Their Names”

Before I begin, this summary is dedicated to my TAR-watching partner, the one and only Ladycub (Mrs. Cygnus, for those who don’t know). Without her, I couldn’t have written this, mainly because she built my new computer after I trashed the old one by removing a memory stick while it was still plugged in AND then reinserting it backwards, causing smoke from my motherboard! So, your Thought for the Day: don’t DO that!

And now let’s hear it for Ladycub.

#crickets#

If I DON’T hear it for Ladycub, I won’t post this summary.

#more crickets#

And I’ll post images from ALL the Innertube videos into Fanatics.

(applause)

That’s more like it.

#smooch#es Ladycub

(“Get a room!”)

Thank you.

We begin with what you’ve been waiting for: a review of the DAWs whom you won’t be seeing competing in this leg, but picking splinters out of their collective posteriors at the Huge Finish Line Mat instead. (Dern you, Nate and Jennifer, for not lasting until the Final Three so I could bash you! But I have my ways nonetheless):

ARI and STAELLA, friends
Likes: Will and Grace, hairdos that were in style back in . . . never
Dislikes: Donkeys, bugs, lesbian ministers
Eliminated by: The smartest donkey we’ve ever seen
What they’ll do after the Race: Get kicked out of every straight and gay bar in LA

KATE and PAT, lesbian ministers
Likes: Quiet dinners, watching the sun rise
Dislikes: Pope Benedict XVI, those robes they have to wear on the altar (they’re soooo uncomfortable!)
Eliminated by: Absolutely no sense of urgency whatsoever
What they’ll do after the Race: Convert to Catholicism and join the Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence

MARIANNA and JULIA, hot Latina sisters
Likes: Dancing, partying, anything male and heterosexual (almost)
Dislikes: Britney, Paris, and Lindsay (they’re always getting in the way)
Eliminated by: Dry camels, the wrath of God in a West African storm
What they’ll do after the Race: Pole dancing (strictly for exercise, of course)

LORENA and JASON, dating
Likes: Yoga, high places, screaming, marriage (Lorena only), Marianna (Jason only)
Dislikes: Milking camels, commitment (Jason only)
Eliminated by: Dry camels, Shana and Jennifer thinking they were Rachel and TK
What they’ll do after the Race: Keep Jason from Marianna, shag Marianna (respectively)

SHANA and JENNIFER, friends
Likes: Flirting, molesting the Roaming Gnome®
Dislikes: Anywhere that isn’t SoCal, driving a stick in Lithuanian traffic
Eliminated by: Bickering at the Midsummer Festival, not to mention the will of just about every TAR viewer
What they’ll do after the Race: Shop with Kendra on Rodeo Drive, wonder why Starting Over got cancelled

AZARIA and HENDEKEA, brother and sister
Likes: Each other (a little too much)
Dislikes: People thinking they’re husband and wife, microscopes that are out of focus
Eliminated by: Sibling rivalry, a ticket agent conspiracy
What they’ll do after the Race: Change their names so people don’t think they’re a Simpsons cast member and a Hawaiian island respectively

KYNT and VYXSIN, dating Goths
Likes: Marilyn Manson, yoga, the Renaissance festival, freaking people out
Dislikes: Makeup remover, sweat, Italian roads
Eliminated by: Not using a rear-view mirror at the U-Turn
What they’ll do after the Race: Wait tables at an eastern Kentucky Cracker Barrel with David and Mary

NATHAN and JENNIFER, dating
Likes: Sex (never mind with whom), arguing, whining
Dislikes: Each other
Eliminated by: Each other
What they’ll do after the Race: Definitely NOT each other!

Read about Nate and Jen's sorry exit in dajaki's fine summary (the Second).

So it’s come down to this, the Finale. Some TAR Finale episodes have been memorable, such as Chip and Kim leapfrogging Colin and Christie to win in Dallas, the train that cost Kris and Jon a chance to catch Freddy and Kendra (ick) in Chicago, Frank and Margarita’s excitement at returning to their hometown of New York only to find Rob and Brennan waiting at the Finish Line ahead of them, and the infamous American Airlines flight with Rob and Amber that returned to pick up Uchenna and Joyce and take them to Miami.

Others have slipped into the crevasses of our collective memory. Quick: who won TAR 10? Who won TAR 9? You’ve already forgotten their names, I bet. Where were their Finish Lines, hmmm? What was so moving about Eric and Danielle’s win in All-Stars, other than giving Nate and Jennifer a relationship blueprint? And then there was the Fami—er, That Season We Don’t Talk About.

(If you said Tyler for who won TAR 10 and 9, you’re right: Tyler and James in 10, and BJ and Tyler in 9. Now, without looking it up, who were their fellow Final Three competitors? Gotcha.)

So let’s see which category this finale falls into.

Phil Keoghan, who has been more under the radar than an A-10 Warthog this season, starts off this leg in the Chiang Kai-shek Plaza in downtown Taipei, Taiwan (Republic of China, recognized by just about no other country because the ROC doesn’t have intercontinental nukes). But these days, instead of being known for the Chinese nationalist leader who was banished to the island of Taiwan by Mao Tse-tung and his ChiComm company in 1949, Taipei is the home of Little League baseball teams that seem to win perennially at the World Series in Williamsport, PA (a lovely place this time of year) with rosters of boys ranging in age from 10 to 38. It’s also noted for a parliament that more often resembles WWE Smackdown than a legislative body. Now, c’mon; don’t you occasionally wish Congress or your parliament was like that?

When the all new and improved Ronald v. 2.1, his Hernia 1.0, and Christina (Daughter 2.0) get their clue at 9:47 AM (hey, they might have gotten a decent night’s sleep!), they learn that they must fly 4,500 miles to their Final Destination of Anchorage, Alaska and then make their way to wake up the Guidos in their cabin (hey, you never know, they just MIGHT still be there). Or, failing that, they have to head to 6th Avenue Outfitters and pick up some overpriced outdoor equipment and their next clue. What, Bruck couldn’t sign a PP deal with REI? Fortunately, they’ve been given $392 for this leg.

Christina says that her competition is strong and smart, but they’re stronger and smarter and that they’ll keep their spot at #1. BTW, has anyone noticed how either Ron or Christina always has a hand on the other’s shoulder when speaking in confessional?

Ah, the miracles of modern surgery. Or superglue.

Next out of the plaza are Rachel and Thomas Kyle, Team Granola, at 10:30 AM. If they were any more laid back, they’d be running the Race upside down. They talk about how important it is for them to relax and do one task at a time. I bet the producers had a hissyfit over that one. I can hear new TAR EP Hayma “Screech” Washington (who? I didn’t know either) saying, “Bring back Nate and Jennifer now! We need DRAMA, dammit!”

Actually, that was me. Sorry. Where was I? Oh, yes.

And then Nicolas rolls his grandfather Donald out to the start mat in the plaza via wheelchair. Like Guy Caballero from SCTV, he just uses the wheelchair for respect. Don stands up at 10:37 and they learn of their Alaska destination. In confessional, Nick says he’s gained respect for Don and how hard he’s worked. Don shamelessly smiles and gives a thumbs-up as he says so. That’s what I’ve liked about these two; they don’t take themselves so damn seriously. At least until now.

Like Rachel and TK, Nick says he’s always wanted to go to Alaska, where there may be some hunting and fishing challenges. Don replies that he’s hunted and fished before, so he’s in charge. Sheesh, what HASN’T Don done in his lifetime? He’s worked with animals, panned for gold, done masonry work, helped Marconi with his first radio, shtupped Marianna (well . . .), he’s the Total Entertainment Package!

Or not. (You KNEW you had to see that just one more time.)

Anyway, they all head to the Fancy Schmancy Sparkling We’re Not ChiComms And We Don’t Have To Spruce Up Our Country For The Olympics Nyahh Nyahh Nyahh Taipei International Airport. All the teams get the same (only) China Air flight from Taipei to Anchorage. TK can’t remember the last time he and Rachel shared a flight with another team. Ron asks for, and gets, a free upgrade that allows him and Chris to use the Internet inside the China Air lounge. They scout out 6th Avenue Outfitters.

For once, TK stresses. Along with Rachel, Nick, and Don, he wonders where the heck Ron and Chris are, possibly on Another Flight? There’s a great camera shot of those four on a moving walkway right past the lounge where Ron and Chris are. “We’re gonna keep our lead,” Chris boasts.

I hope I need not teach you what foreshadowing means, nor how the producers work it into this show.

Ron and Chris appear at the gate where the others are waiting. After Rachel revives TK with CPR, they head off for Anchorage. On the plane, TK earns me a space on the old TAR Buzzword Bingo card when he says he and Rachel are “in it to win it.” Preparing to exit the plane in Anchorage, he says Ron “runs like a ninja.” I cover a space on my Non Sequitur Simile Bingo card. Ron 1.0 files a discrimination suit.

The cab shuffle outside Anchorage International Airport ensues. TK and Rachel say Ron and Chris are doing a good job of staying in front, “but not for long.” One by one, the teams arrive at 6th Avenue Outfitters, which must be known for not costing as much as 5th Avenue Outfitters. Maybe Bruck knows what he’s doing after all.

Ron and Chris leave the outfitters with their clue and their yellow bag o’ gear (which looks like an old Erol’s Video bag) in first place and have their cabbie take them to the next clue box, which is on the waterfront at Ship Creek Water Launch. Perhaps the Roadblock there will involve beating up Marlon Brando or something.

TK and Rachel leave next with their clue and their stuff and a cabbie who isn’t quite sure where Ship Creek is. At this point, TK and Rachel start wondering whether they’re up Ship Creek. #rimshot#

Actually, the ones up Ship Creek at this point are Nick and Don (well acquainted is Don with Ship Creek, if you dare look upward again), who leave the outfitters in third with their clue . . . and nought else. Somehow, they got the clue and forgot the bag o’ gear, which the cameraperson conveniently pointed out, accompanied by the sound of Phil Collins banging on a bunch of trash can lids.

Time now for Uncle Cyggie’s First Rule of TAR Success: When in doubt, folks, READ THE FINE CLUE (RTFC). It keeps people like me from having material with which to mock you in a summary on an Internet board like this.

Let’s move on now to the waterfront, where the teams that are up Ship Creek face a Detour, a choice of two tasks, neither of which is going to show up on next season’s Deadliest Catch anytime soon:

Cut the Cod. Here, the teams get to listen to Kip Adotta do his “Wet Dream” routine while filleting several 50-pound cod (or Kip Adotta) to find a capsule full of mercury their next clue in miniature.

Grab the Crab. Teams have to find the one out of 500 crabs in a vessel’s holding tank that has the TAR flag mark on the craw. All the while, Sig Hansen and the crew of the Northwestern will laugh at them.

Ron and Chris opt for Cut the Cod, as Ron believes that crabs might crawl up their bodies and pinch them. Hope he never visits the Chesapeake Bay anytime soon! Or, for that matter, Christmas Island. So when is EPMB going to have Survivor: Christmas Island, hm? If the castaways could endure the onslaught, they wouldn’t be very hungry! But I digress.

Ron and Chris are overwhelmed at the size of Kip Adotta the cod, and he adds that filleting it might be tough for a city slicker like him. I bet he doesn’t know who played third base for the Pittsburgh Pirates in 1960 either (Don Hoak).

Speaking of Pittsburgh, it looks like TK and Rachel’s cabbie has taken them to Point State Park where the Three Rivers meet. Okay, that’s not exactly what it looks like, but for our one remaining non-familial team, it might as well be there. After Rachel inquires of some fishermen, it turns out they’re a few miles away from Ship Creek. (Sorry, I’ve beaten that deceased equine of a pun into the permafrost.) As their cab pulls away, TK is as distraught as he’s appeared this whole Race. Guess he couldn’t pay Buddha any more overtime.

Nick asks his cabbie if he knows where Ship Creek Boat Launch is. His curt reply: “I’m a cab driver. I know stuff like that.” I reckon he’s had Mirna in his cab a time or two.

“Just get out of my way; I’m not very good with knives.” That may be the best advice Ron has given Chris on this whole race as he extracts the cod’s innards. He initially misses the clue capsule, but he sure has a whole mess of unprocessed Omega-3 on his hands now. Just as Ron asks for Chris’s help rooting through the fish, and Ron 1.0 threatens to reappear, and the entrails start reminding him of his hernia, Chris finds the clue. Ron tells her to shush, lest the other teams—who aren’t there yet!—hear them. As an encore, he then decides to U-Turn Nate and Jennifer.

Now, Hoosier Daddy and Daughter 2.0 get to take a 60.0-mile cab ride to 20.0 Mile River, then a high-speed boat ride to 20.00001 Mile Glacier where their next clue awaits. I can’t find any of these places in my Rand McNally atlas because the map of Alaska is on only one page, while Texas, only half the size of Alaska, occupies four pages. Hey, if I can’t find them, these DAWs shouldn’t be able to either!

On their way out, Ron and Chris pass both Nick and Don and Rachel and TK coming into Ship Creek. Pop-Pop and grandson get there first and decide they want to grab crabs by using the gloves in their . . .

. . . missing BAG O’ GEAR! Cue the Price Is Right "You Lose" sound.

Maybe if they get the cabbie to drive them back to the outfitters in reverse, then time will go backwards, and they’ll pay less of a fare, and then they would never have forgotten the bag, and no one would have seen Don in his drawers, and the Family Edition would never have happened, and Bush would never have been elected, and . . . They have the cabbie start the trek back to the outfitters with their faces drooping lower than John Kerry.

TK and Rachel will gladly take advantage of this fumble to move into second place during the first commercial break.

On the other side of the break, Don reams Nick for not reading the clue properly. Nick counters that “hindsight is 20-20.” Don won’t have any part of that, saying that because Nick didn’t understand the clue, they’re now up . . . you know. (His actual adjectival reply was bleeped out. In fact, the producers had to bleep a lot of Donald-isms this year. Wonder if Don will next try out for Hell’s Kitchen? There wouldn’t be enough FCC officials to keep track of that show.)

Nick looks like he’s been crying once he gets the bag back from the store. Considering that his chance at a million dollars was inside that bag, I’d say he’s got something good to cry about. Collecting themselves on the way back to Crip’s Sheik, Team Tool-less decides that Don should fillet the fish.

TK and Rachel have long since opted for the crabs, with Rachel predicting she’ll just “tear through them.” No, dear. You only do that with crabs during summertime in a Baltimore back yard on a folding table covered with last week’s Baltimore Sun, wooden mallets, and lots and lots of Old Bay and Natty-Boh.

Keep that in mind when the Detour is Steam ‘Em or Pick ‘Em.

So into the holding tank go the Granolas. “We just need to pull one,” says an overconfident TK. Well, with the water being murky at best, it’s entirely possible that they could pull out the crab that they just dropped! Only 499 to go. And quelle surprise, the crustaceans are clawing and snapping them. They immediately think they made a mistake with their choice. Considering how there’s no Old Bay involved, I’d say so. Rachel tries another tank and finds a bottom-feeder trying to take her shoe off. Guess it must like filet of sole (oh, cut that out).

It seems like TK and Rachel decide to stop three times, but they’re still increasing Band-Aid® stock while in the tanks. Then TK finds a marked crab, and they escape. Hope Rachel doesn’t have crabs later (whaddya want for nothin'?).

Just as they leave, Team Wrongway has started filleting the ginormous cod. As both Nick and TK predicted, Don makes short work of the cod and asks Nick to start looking around its innards.

“With my hands?” he asks.

“Nope . . . with your tongue! This is the Disgusting Food Task. Here’s your sign.” (Bill Engvall, ladies and gentlemen!)

So they head off toward 20.0 Mile River only a few minutes behind the Granolas, who in turn say they’re about 20 to 25 minutes behind Hoosier Daddy and Daughter 2.0. (Math Quiz: If one of their cabs is hit by an oncoming tractor-trailer filled with timber, how big will the fireball be?)

Ron and Chris are taken first to the river, but are not dropped in the water (that was Croatia). Instead, they hop aboard a speedboat that would never have gotten a policy when I was working for a boat insurance company; this thing has a top speed of Aaaauuugggghhhh! Christina enjoys the heck out of the ride as the boat swerves between ice floes. They stop to rescue Avi and Joe (who?), who have been floating out there for the last three years.

Once again, TK needs to find his Happy Place. He’s getting nervous as he realizes their cabbie, for whom English might not be his first language (just sayin’), may not know where 20.0 Mile River is. Rachel says they had an easier time communicating with cabbies in India. (Hey guys; try Mirnglish! “We need get to Riviero de Twenty-o Mile-o muy rapido! The soul of my dead great-grandmother’s uncle’s nephew on my father’s side twice removed I pray for you!”)

But it’s all a misdirection, as the cabbie gets TK and Rachel to the speedboats, with Nick and Don right behind. TK and Rachel’s boat leaves so fast, TK’s full name gets blown overboard.

During the boat rides, we hear sappy confessionals from all three teams about what they’ve liked about their partners on the Race. This is to try to make us feel like No One Will Win.

At the glacier, Ron and Chris learn that they’ll get their next clue . . . as soon as they scale an ice wall to retrieve it. Avi and Joe argue about why they didn’t take that Detour, still concluding that they’re morons. Dad is apprehensive about falling into the frigid water and has a fear of heights, but he ascends the ice quite well. Chris is having trouble, though; there’s a short lip at the base of the wall that she can’t quite seem to surmount. “Daddy!” she yells as we go to commercial.

Somewhere, Lenny turns around, thinking Karyn is calling him.

When we return, Chris is still struggling on the ice wall. Ron shouts down to her everything she’s doing wrong, in excruciating detail. No, wait! This is Ron 2.1; he’s actually ENCOURAGING her! I must have taped the wrong show.

She manages to finish the climb and confess that she too was really scared. I wonder if Oprah is going to give them their next clue. No, she’d never walk across the top of that glacier, where Ron and Chris will now take a helicopter to Merrill Field, an airport, then a cab to Goose Lake Park. Well, for $100 million, Oprah might be persuaded.

Right behind is TK and Rachel, with Gramps and Knucklehead following. Both TK and Don struggle with the lip of the wall, but then march on up without too much difficulty . . . and to the tune of “How close can we get to Led Zeppelin’s ‘Kashmir’ without being sued?” (“Kashmir” = Best. Led Zeppelin. Song. Ever. “Stairway” is O! Ver! Ra! Ted! #boom boom boomboomboom#)

Arriving at Merrill Field, Chris tells the cabbie (like cabs pass this airfield All The Time) that they have to get to Goose Lake Park, and that it’s an emergency . . . she’s in labor. (Okay, maybe not that last part.) She and Hoosier Daddy arrive at the park, but Lake (who?) is nowhere around to be goosed. Instead, they find their final Roadblock, which consists of the following to make their next clue appear. Listen up, because I’m not repeating this (*ahem*):

1. Before doing anything else, read the entire clue.

2. Sign your name on this clue.

3. You will see 15 objects from earlier in the Race. You must put 10 of these on the stage that fit these requirements:

a. One item must be from each prior leg of the Race.

b. Three of these ten items must be either animals or animal by-products.

c. One must be a U-Turn. (No, you can’t use Kynt and Vyxsin or Lorena and Jason.)

d. Two must be items either at or brought to a Pit Stop.

e. Two must be items of transportation with wheels, one of which had to be used at a Detour.

f. One must be an item of transportation resembling a stick.

g. One must have been used as a weapon in an argument between Nate and Jen.

h. One must be a color found in Kynt or Vyxsin’s makeup.

i. One must be Phil’s left eyebrow.

j. One must be insane to do this task as frazzled as one is right now.

4. Now that you have read all the directions carefully, do only items 3 through 3f.

5. Wait! If you read THIS far, just do item 2.

Unfortunately, Chris, who will do this Roadblock, doesn’t read as far as 5. Nor will her counterparts. Ron opts out because he doesn’t want to have a senior moment.

To win the clue, she’ll have to come up with:

The tandem bike from Ireland

The single bike from the Netherlands

Goat’s milk from Burkina Faso

The checked-in chicken from Burkina Faso

The stilts from Lithuania

The blunderbuss from the Croatian Pit Stop

The Blackberry® from Italy

The U-Turn from India

The Cleaning Crew Guy from Japan (or a reasonable facsimile thereof)

The teacup from Taiwan

Distractors include the cart with tanks from India, the rowboat from Croatia, the pole from the Netherlands, the Man From U.N.C.L.E., the Girl From Ipanema (also acceptable: Marianna, Julia, or Lorena), the Creature From The Black Lagoon (also acceptable: Ari), and the hernia from Ron.

I also dub this the Rush Exit Stage Left Roadblock. Their second live album, Exit Stage Left had a symbol from each of Rush’s previous albums at the time.

The band wanted Snagglepuss (who often said the title phrase) on the cover as well, but Hanna-Barbera wanted too much money. (That? Is called invoking the Reference To My Cygnus X1 Username clause. And these Completely Useless Facts are brought to you by a grant from the Cho Brothers Foundation. Striving for a world that’s nicer, but not all that efficient.)

The other teams have arrived, with Rachel and Nick undertaking this task. In the meantime, Ron, Don, and TK look on, cheer, and try to psych each other out. Don gets bleeped again.

Chris doesn’t know that, in her first attempt, she only has one wrong: the donkey, instead of the bicycle, for Ireland. Rachel misses three. Nick left his mind back at the outfitters. Chris thinks she needs the donkey to fit the animal requirement. (Psssst! The cleaning guy is an animal, too! Or did you sleep through that biology class?) She finally asks the cleaning guy, “Are you an animal?” He doesn’t reply, “If I had a nickel for every time I heard that . . .”

Rachel doesn’t recognize the stick, nor Nick the gun. Frustration is building with all three as Chris tries again. Bzzzzzt! Ron’s not exactly going out on a limb when he says that the first one done will probably be the winner.

With that, Bruck ices the audience by using his third and final commercial break. Sadly, it’s not a 30-second break.

Back, and like grandfather, like grandson; Nick calls the gun a piece of #bleep#. Rachel tries to stay calm. Everything becomes “frickin’” to Chris. Then she gets bleeped. Someone from the Parents’ Television Council hits a clicker. Next, she starts praying, but as usual, God’s too busy with Linda Weaver to hear her. More stress shots of all three.

Wait! Rachel’s on to something. She removes the pole from the Netherlands and thinks she has everything else. The music builds up dramatically, which can only mean . . . TK had a heart attack. I mean, Rachel GOT IT! She runs off the stage with the clue, with the shirt hanging from her waist sorta shaped as if it were her underwear. (Am I the only guy who thought that?) Another click for the PTC. Shots of utter dismay, demoralization, and disbelief from the other four.

Now, the Granolas read their cryptic clue: “Find Cook’s-eye view of the Sleeping Lady.” While that sounds like an invitation to a peeping Tom, it’s really a statue of Captain James Cook in Resolution Park (named for one of Cook’s ships; there’s another Useless Fact for you) looking to the “Sleeping Lady,” located across the inlet from the statue. They get back into their cab; they’ll need every cent of that $392 to pay this guy for waiting so long! Their cabbie knows where the statue is.

Having been driven crazy by the Netherlands more than your average Walloon, Chris, like Rachel, figures out that she didn’t need the pole either, so she removes the Chopin impersonator. Her clue pops up. Ron 2.1 does not berate Christina, but encourages her instead. More dejection on Nick’s face. He has Shamed His Family.

And with that, ladies and gentlemen, we bid buh-bye to The Oldest Man Ever To Be In The Final Three and The Grandson Who Is Now Out Of His Will. Thanks for playing; we have some lovely parting gifts for you.

The only hope for Chris and Ron now is that either TK and Rachel get lost, their cab blows a tire or throws a rod, or they decide to stop and make S’mores. Well, the Granolas’ cab has to turn around, perhaps helping Hoosier Daddy and Daughter 2.0, or so the editing would lead us to believe. The editing never lies, does it? Then Yogi Berra Ron says, “It’s not over ‘til it’s over.” For good measure, he tells the cabbie that when he comes to a fork in the road, he should take it.

It’s a footrace to the statue! Yeah, right. TK and Rachel get there first, seemingly (but not actually) steps before Ron and Chris. Now, the next clue tells the Granolas to find the Salmon Hooker on foot. Wow, will they enter Anchorage’s Red Light District? I mean, what else do guys do during those long, cold, dark winter months? Or does Jennifer get to make a cameo? Naaah, they’re looking for Another Statue. Where would TAR be if there were no statues? In our back yards, I guess.

Both teams find out that the Salmon Hooker is on 5th and G Streets. Ron says they’re right behind TK and Rachel. Whether “right” behind or not, they are behind as TK and Rachel get their final clue to the Finish Line at Girdwood Airport. They grab another cab. Ron uses a whistle to flag down a cab in traffic, unless he’s trying to call TK and Rachel for a False Start.

As the cabs race around a beautiful bay, TK and Rachel are giddy, while Ron is waxing on, waxing off philosophical; finishing second wouldn’t suck for him, and Chris is number one in his eye. Any idea how this is gonna end up?

At the end of what appears to be a runway at the airport are Phil and the Also-Rans, cheering wildly (or, in the case of Nate and Jen, faking it).

All those who are surprised to see TK and Rachel running alone down the runway, please take one step forward. Memo to Ron: It’s over. The Granolas are the Official Winners of the Amazing Race. After that, Phil names Nate and Jen the Official Whiners of the Amazing Race.

Everybody’s happy. The Laid-Back Team did it. They gush about how their relationship has grown on the Race, how Rachel is a strong woman for being so petite, etc.

Now, Ron and Chris come running in for second place. They talk about how close they’ve grown, and –

#RECORD-SKIDDING SOUND#
(like anyone uses vinyl records anymore)

Wait one doggone minute. With this corn-pone ending, I have just about nothing to bash! I know: I’ll change the ending just to suit me! Back it up a few frames.

– dna ,nworg ev’yeht esolc woh tuoba klat yehT .ecalp dnoces rof ni gninnur emoc sirhC dna noR ,woN

BOGUS ENDING, PART I

Now, Ron and Chris come running in for second place. But instead of telling them that they’re second, Phil says, “Time to take off the mask and see who Ron really is.” He pulls off Ronald’s mask to reveal—

JONATHAN! Aaaaaggggghhhhh!

“And I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for those meddling kids and my medication about to run out.” Fred, Daphne, Velma, Shaggy, and Scooby wave with members of the TAR production team from behind a Cessna 172. The police take Jonathan away without charge, after which he’s shipped to Guantanamo Bay.

Christina collapses in a pool of tears. Now she’ll never know who’s her daddy. She goes on to a series of failed relationships, but she secretly hopes to fall in love one day with an Amazing Racer and get called for TAR All-Stars II. Until then, she wonders if Nate is available now, and thinks she can get a waitress job somewhere between Anchorage and Fairbanks.

Okay, I admit that was lame, and it’s been done. How about we continue with:

BOGUS ENDING, PART II

And finally, down the stretch come Nick and Don, accompanied by shouts of “Grand-pa! Grand-pa!” from the losers. After being greeted by Phil, Don reaches under the mat, and—

OH MY GOD, HE’S PULLING OUT A STEEL CHAIR! HE’S HITTING NICK OVER THE HEAD WITH IT! THIS IS DISGUSTING! I CAN’T BELIEVE IT! SOMEONE LOCK THAT MAN UP! DONALD HAS JUST PLAIN SNAPPED! NICK IS BUSTED WIDE OPEN! HE’S OUT COLD! THIS IS SCARY! I’VE NEVER SEEN ANYTHING LIKE IT! SOMEBODY GET HELP FOR NICK! NOW WHAT IS DON DOING . . . HE’S PULLING OFF NICK’S SHIRT AND SPRAY-PAINTING “N-W-O” ON HIS CHEST! . . .

And then Phil pulls off HIS mask to reveal that he’s actually . . . Mr. Vince McMahon. The rematch will come at the Royal Rumble®.

Ahhhh, nothing like a little fiction to loosen things up.

I’m Cygnus X1, and I thank you for reading. I watched this finale so you didn’t have to.

Now, remind me . . . who won this again?

You've been warned, so don't complain.
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