LAST EDITED ON 06-14-04 AT 06:03 PM (EST)

Why You Can't Trust NBC Accountants or does ANT even count?

So here I go, summarizing a 2 hour show.
It isn't so easy, and makes my stomache queasy.
Especially when NBC told us there would be 40 folks trying to make fun,
but when I count them up, there are actually 41.

From 40 comedians (but really 41), 20 will be chosen to go to the Las Vegas finals, and 10 people will go on to live in the Hollywood house together.

Now they have put 40 (41, really) DAWs on a "party" bus. ANT describes the interior of the bus as looking like a drag queen blew up.

Ahhh, it is time for your LCS2.2 multiple choice question:

The name ANT is:

a. short for ANThony
b. the name his nieces and nephews gave him.
c. a well deserved nickname because he really really bugs people.
d. just a smidge of all of the above.
e. Initials for..oh, who cares?
f. Not sure why it is in all caps, but NBC prints it that way in their summary.

Back on the Party Bus, Troy Glass is singing a song he made up, to the tune of "The Wheels of the Bus".

The DAWs on the Bus are keeping it real, keeping it real, keeping it real,
The DAWs on the Bus are keeping it real, all through midtown.

Now I must hurry to get all of the 40 (41 to be correct) comic geniuses' sets in, although the program will only show about a minute of their 3 minute set. Word to NBC: If you stop repeating all of those sound bites before and after commercials, you could shave a good half hour off of this puppy. Maybe fit in some more of the jokes?

ANT can't stand the bullies, Todd Glass is just arrogant and Tammy Pescatelli is fighting off the boys with her schick stick.

The DAW funnabes have finally arrived, have settled into the Hudson Theatre, and are ready to do their 3 minute sets in front of the judges. Every time DH says someone is not funny, I remind him that we are only seeing about 1/3 of their act. He says, "Whatever." For you number geeks out there, I'll even supply you with the amount of time aired for each act, in parentheses.

So, we're off, but you probably already knew that, since we are watching this show instead of having a real life.

We are introduced to the judges, Ross Mack and Bob Read of Tonight Show fame, Colin Quinn, Kim Coles, and the Don, Rich Voss, who I think ought to change his name to Don Voss.

Here are the summaries of the sets, sometimes followed by Questions from the Judges (Q from J):

1. Alonzo Bodden(1:08) He got lost in the duvet cover department of Bed, Bath, and Beyond. The salespeople convince him he needs a duvet cover to protect his comforter and a bed ruffle to protect what's under the bed.

Q from J: Colin asks Alonzo if he would use the BBB routine in front of a black audience. Alonzo comes back with "Everybody knows that black people don't use sheets."

2. Jessica Kirson (1:05) This comedian reminds me of the Steve Martin slogan "Comedy is not pretty". She looks like I do when I put a nylon stocking over my head. I used to scare the bejebus out of my little brother when I did that, so I made a quick call to his house to warn him not to watch.

Jessica comes out speaking in a helium induced voice. No, wait a minute, she is trying to be funny, with emphasis on the word trying. Then she makes the nylon stocking evil face and says she thinks she looks like a Thanksgiving Day balloon. She's on Atkins, so she ate a whole farm, sans the starchy stuff.

3. Pablo Francisco (1:06) He does an Aaron Neville impersonation, comparing Aaron's style to changing stations on the radio.

Q from J: Can't remember what they asked, and I'm too lazy to look at the tape again.

4. BUG ANT (1:00) Before the act, he talks to the camera about being devastated last year because he didn't make it into the house. He tried not to feel like a big loser by competing again this year. I don't want to be around if when he doesn't make it into the house.

Jay introduces ANT as the "Susan Lucci of Last Comic Standing". Somewhere, Susan Lucci is spinning in her designer heels.

ANT's act includes remarks about gay people claiming only good looking celebs are gay, not Danny DeVito, Al Roker, or Jay Mohr, for instance. His last punchline: "4 Queens always beat a straight." Um, not if they are 4 queens like you, ANT.

5. Frank Santorelli (:52) Before his acts begins, he tells us that he's always wanted his own sitcom, called "Let's be Frank".
"I grew up in an Italian family, kinda strange. My mother taught me how to shave."

6. Will Durst (:50) Political comedian. He impersonated President Bush as President Rainman. Bush's answer to every question: "Iraq, yes definitely Iraq." How much is the war costing us? "About a 100 dollars."

7. Vladimir Khlynin (1:06) Profiled him as he is shown at his supermarket job and at home with his family. The youngest and least experienced (9 months) of the comedians.

His mother tells him he's just like his father. Then he slapped her and left her for another woman.

8. Kathleen Madigan (:58) She loves CNN because they repeat the news 484 times. More people voted for American Idol than in the Presidential elections, which proves we don't like going out to vote trying to find the elementary school under the Moose's Lodge behind a donut shop.

9. Todd Glass (:50) Was not happy that someone told him he looked like a younger thinner John Goodman. Hey, don't go disrespecting John - he's a terrific actor.

Q from J: We hear that you can be difficult. Todd comes back with a smart aleck answer, but says he's not too difficult to be in the house.

10. Sue Costello (:45) Sue had her own sitcom, but it only had 4 episodes and was cancelled. She's cute, single and 35. Her advice to single women: If he tells you he's a jerk, you really should listen.

11. Jimmy Dore (:58) Upset with a woman who was hitting her child in public. She said, "You gotta hit 'em. Makes 'em good people." Jimmy asked her, "How many punches would it take to make you a decent human being?" As it turns out, 84.

12. Paul Varghese (1:02) He was afraid of the dark as a child, but so was his father. His father, inquiring about the boogeyman in Paul's closet: "Did he sound angry? You didn't mention my name, did you?"

13. John Wessling (:58) He wins my worst punchline award with his dad's toast at John's wedding: "I like my women like I like my Scotch: twelve years-old and mixed up with Coke."

14. DC Benny (1:09) He can't catch a cab because he's a giant Mexican and wonders why people bring a bike onto a subway train. "It's a bike. Go ride it. What are you, cheating in a race?"

15. Corey Holcomb (:59) Says he had discovered a way to look at other women with his SO around. Talk bad about the cute chick. "Look at her hanging out of her dress like that, all disrespectful. Let me go have a talk with her."

16. Bonnie McFarlane (1:01) She tells us to not shop at a thrift store in a small town. "Hey, that's my dead mom's blouse!" She describes how she stays trim: "One, I always take the stairs - always. Two, I'm anorexic."

17. Bert Kreischer (1:17) Before his act begins, he and his wife are profiled, showing a picture of a shotgun wedding and comparing pregnant bellies. Well, he's not pregnant, but he looks it.

Cops hate when you touch their faces, so he advises that you should touch the cops mustache when you get pulled over.

18. Tony Woods (:59) He balks when his agent wants to send him to Amsterdam. Windmills, tulips, they don't have anything he's interested in. His agent reminds him that he can smoke weed. Tony says he can smoke weed here.

19. Jim Norton (1:30) Aspen, Colorado closes at 10 PM, and he was hungry, so he called an escort service at 2 AM, hoping the girl would have a snack in her purse. When they told him the price was $3,000, because she was really pretty, he asked if they could send over a deformed girl for $50.

20. Louis Ramey (:57) Talked about a cop pulling him over, he asked Louis, "Do you know why I pulled you over?" Louis said, "Because I was speeding?" The cop responded, "No, 'cause you're black. Don't you read the papers?"

21. Juston McKinney (1:13) He used to be a police officer in Maine, where his district was 500 square miles, just him and another officer were the whole police force. Asked by a black man if he ever pulled over a black man. He said he never saw one, and if he did, he would have pulled him over for sure to give him directions because he must be lost.

Well, that's the first 20 21.

The winners who will move on and a summary of their comments as their names are called and they run to the stage.

1. DC Benny - Genuinely surprised.
2. Bonnie McFarlane - Thank God
3. Alonzo Bodden - I want it
4. Kathleen Madigan - Surprised and stunned.
5. ANT - I was relieved.
6. Todd Glass - I was excited. *somersaults on stage*
7. Jessica Kirson - I deserve this
8. Jim Norton - I was happy.
9. Corey Holcomb - Everyone can't move on.
10. Sue Costello - I would like to win this.

The Losers: We have a sad Vladimir and an arrogant Frank who thinks he did the best set of the bunch. Corey says Vlad is not bitter. Vlad says "Wait until next year."

The next 20 sets

1. Dan Ahdoot (1:20) When he says he's Iranian, he gets no applause, which he points out. He was going to Johns Hopkins, but changed his plans and decided to be a comedian instead, so his father shows him the medical school calendar and compares it to the comedy timeline calendar.

2. Chris Voth (1:08) Quips "I haven't heard of you people, either." Talks about working as a Salvation Army bell ringer - "$5 an hour plus tips". He talks about his friends using hand signals that mean something different than what you would normally think.

3. Tom Cotter (:55) Some kids seem to be speaking another language to him. "You lost me at 'Yo'."

4. Kerri Louise (1:01) Fired from every job, she says it's not her fault. When she was a lifeguard it was boring because no one ever drowned. At a health club, a skinny woman asked her how to flatten her stomach, and Kerri told her to do whatever she was doing to make her chest flat.

5. Kevin Brown (1:01) He said it was a great time to be a New York sport's fan - except when you have to sit through interviews with Dikembe Mutombo, who sounds like the Cookie Monster's Nigerian cousin.

6. John Heffron (1:15) At 33, he's at the age when a Craftmatic bed sounds "Sweet!".

7. Marina Franklin (1:01) She does a mostly gesture set about trying to stop an angry woman from abusing her child.

8. Gary Gulman (1:04) Talks about people asking if his mother was with the milkman, because he's so tall. Says, yes, his mother has always dated men with outdated professions, like a cobbler, the town crier, the blacksmith for a fortnight.

9. Monty Hoffman (:52) Profiled with his family. Talks about losing his family due to substance abuse problems.

Utah Mormons have 8 wives. He wonders how they manage it, with all the questions - "Where you going?" "Out", "Where you going?" "Out", "Where you going?" "Out", "Where you going?" "Out", "Where you going?" "Out".

Q from J: They ask him about his cancer. He has been cancer free for a year.

10. Tammy Pescatelli (1:09) She's Sicilian, and not all Sicilians are in the mob, some are in the witness protection program. Talking to a family member on the phone, she tells him she shot a pilot. He says, Shhhh, not over the phone.

11. Ty Barnett (:50) Ty is short for Tyrone. He doesn't like it when people assume he was in a gang.

12. Eddie Ifft (1:03) "I just got back from Amsterdam… I think." Ifffft! The rest of his routine involves riding a bike with a baby seat on it.

13. Sharon Huston (1:04) She practiced her act in the Village the night before a gay audience and they loved her, but tonight she bombed in front of the judges with her wedding routine.

14. Dan Naturman (1:12) Asks women why they bother giving out the fake phone number. Gets a Chinese restaurant instead of Lisa, so he orders Chicken and Broccoli with a light brown sauce.

15. Jim Wiggins (:49) The oldest of the comedians, he has 5 children, but was concerned because one out of every 5 children born is Chinese. His son has 10 children; 2 of them are Chinese.

16. Jay London (1:19) First we see his messy apartment and then a notebook with hierglyphics about his comedy routines.

His set was a bunch of one liners that seemed to go over well with the judges. He asked for 50 cent at the music store and got thrown out for panhandling. "I model irregular clothing."

17. Retha Jones (1:17) Her wonderbra was choking her. Something about older women sagging - even Janet Jackson flopped out of that bra. She hates couples reality shows and thinks they ought to have real women, women with attitude.

18. Rick Kunkler (:56) Dated ugly girl who thought she would look better if she jogged. He told he she couldn't jog her face off.

19. Triana Gamaza (1:00) She went to stripper training school to learn how to pick up a dollar bill.

20. Tim Young (1:05) His GF yelled at him for getting bad reception on his cell phone. He dated a Catholic girl whose father would quiz him about being Catholic. "Do you believe in the Pope." "Don't you have to, because he's a real guy."

Jay announces the winners:

1. Tim Young - The stakes are raised.
2. Marina Franklin - I'm really excited to go to the next level.
3. Monty Hoffman - This is a plateau I really wanted.
4. John Heffron - I'm actually excited.
5. Gary Gulman - I feel very proud.
6. Kerri Louise - I was so excited.
7. Dan Ahdoot - I was on cloud 9.
8. Dan Naturman - Huh, finally! (after being faked out when Dan Ahdoot's name was called.)
9. Tammy Pescatelli - I have to go see my dad, then go to Vegas.
10. Jay London - It's been an 18 year trek. I now feel solidified in the world of comedy.

Some Loser comments:

Rick - not my best.
Triana - at least now I'm a famous stripper.
Retha - 41 (finally, someone got the number right, but alas, poor Retha is referring to her age here), and I'm not getting anywhere.
Wiggins - I was glad to be here.

So, it's off to Vegas to choose the final 10!

*tags Fester* - You're up next, dood.

Silvergirl

For some more funny commentary, go to the NBC site for LCS2 and read Dave Mordal's rANT for week 1.