As I sat down with my pen and paper twittering with excitement about the new season of Last Comic Standing about to start, I had an epiphany. No not A Christian feast celebrating the manifestation of the divine nature of Jesus to the Gentiles as represented by the Magi. but a realization that I have to write a summary about comedic performances. Unlike previous season where we get story lines and a comedy performance at the end this is going to be all performance, and thus subjective to my likes and dislikes. Just like a DAW wants it.I get my first twinge of excitement while watching Fear Factor, I see a clip of Ralphie being asked if he was ever on Fear Factor, and him saying no, but he could be an event on Fear Factor. I then realize that the twinge was not excitement but gas from the Mexican food I had earlier.
9:00 EST :exterior city skyline: comedians images projected onto the buildings, a hush falls over the assembly, Jay Mohr is about to make the most important speech of his career.
"My fellow Americans just when you thought there was no one to vote for this fall...blah blah blah."
long story short (too late) We, The American viewing public have the awesome responsibility of choosing who actually will be the last comic standing by voting for our favorites.Instead of the producers picking, oh wait they can still rig the outcome, Drats.
I personally would have loved to seen more of a death match playoff system, but NBC decided to go with this format. Wuss'
Wouldn't you love to see Alonzo and Dat going at it until one of them dies?
So Ladies and Gentlemen lets get ready to Giggle.
It's the war to settle the score
The funny for the money
the L.A. Laugh Riot
Season one vs. Season two
the Dat Phaniacs vs. the John Heffronians
Lets meet the players:
Comming onto the court now YOUR SEASON ONE COMICS....
Geoff Brown ~The token black guy
Rob Cantrell~the token young guy
Tere Joyce ~ the token strange "cha cha cha" hair girl
Sean Kent~ The token cancer survivor who had to wear a big cowboy hat
Cory Kahaney~ The token mom figure
Ralphie May~ The token big comic,I mean really big token comic but not as big as he used to be
Dave Mordal~The token dad figure that made fun of all your friends and kept telling you to be a man
Dat Phan~ your token asian, one joke, why did he ever win, oh that's right because NBC edited him to be an underdog and america fell for it guy
Tess~ the token "juicy" woman
and Rich Voss~ the token vote for me or I will have you whacked comic
And now entering the ring, Season 2
Todd Glass~The token attention whore, always 'on' comic
Ant~ the token gay, one joke, why did he ever make it on the show, oh yeah thats right his agent is a producer on the show and they had to go against the wishes of the judges tio get him on the show comic
*** on a side note, if Ant and Dat Phan got married would they be known as Dant Ant Phan? Dat Phan Ant? Ant Dat Phan? or just Phant?***
Jay London~The token strange "fourth guy from the left on the evolutionary chart" hair guy
Kathleen Madigan~ the token I am an established comic what am I doing here comic
John Heffron~ the token If you weren't young in the 80" you don't know what I am talking about comic
Corey Holcomb~ the token mom figure (hey it worked in season 1)
Gary Gullman~ the token cookie loving comic
Tammy Pescatelli~ the token vote for me or I will have you whacked comic
Alonzo Boden~ the token big comic, but in a porportioned sort of way
we get a montage- that's a fancy french word for some guy in editing wants to show off- of all the comics and how they are feeling about the show. Todd Glass sums it up best when he says " I don't even know how this game is played"
dit dit dit dit dit... this just in It seems as though season two finalist Bonnie mcfarland is the only finalist from the two seasons with any sense and decides NOT to participate.
Darn this means season 2 is short a female comic what to do what to do?
then from out of the darkness a shadow arises. a hero who will save them, the shadow has the Hair of Jay, the body of well Jay, the annoyingness of Todd Glass, the physconess of Ant, the pit bullness of Tammy, and the Love Child of Alonzo.
who is this hero to save them? none other than the most annoying comic since Pauley Shore.. Jessica Kirson, shoot me now!
and in the best line of the whole night Jay says "you be shirts, you be skins........see you in the HR office" Nobody got the joke.
we are then told some cockamammie story about how this game is to be run. Somwthing about how the other team picks five members from the other team to compete against, the american public with the almost constitutional task of voting then votes for their favorite individual comic, who is on a team, and the team with the most individual votes then gets money put into their pot, at this point each team then loses a player, wether by being the one with the lowest votes or by the other team picking, or by playing simon sez, or pulling a purple rock out of a bag, who knows. the next night the comics who didn't get picked the first night have to perform and we repeat the process all over again. it would be just like that football game that the three stooges were in where more is about to kick Larry in the head instead of the football.( second summary in a row by me to mention the three stooges, I rock}and this is going to go on for 8 weeks until we are down to the last comic standing and that comic gets a quarter of a Millllllion dollars.
The two teams then go to their "war rooms" to pick the comics from the other team. we then find a few things out. according to Korey with a "K", John Heffron kills puppies, and according to Corey with a "C" even Ralphie's picture weighs a lot.
Time to annouce the choices. And it looks like the comics are going after the big guns on the other team to try and eliminate one of them right away. Season 1 knows they are funnier than: Jessica, Todd, Alonzo, John and Tammy, what no Ant? I thought they wanted the big gays out, oh wait that was big guys my mistake
Season 2 knows they are funnier than: Rich, Dave,Tess, Korey, and Ralphie, what no Dat Phan? I thought they wanted the most humorless comic, oh wait that was humoress comic my mistake.
I goes to prove that comics know who is funny, I would have picked almost the same line up with one exception. Jay in for Jessica.
the next part of the summary is basically them telling the jokes that they could in 2 minutes: someone forgot to tell Newby this as she was the only one who went long. Here is a synapsis of their acts
jessica talked about drugs and ugly girls who think they are pretty, that sums up her life in 2 seconds
Korey talked about how her husband is a wimp lawyer, "it is like marrying a rock star, and finding out he is a Christian Rock star"
John talked about playing video games ( The bit I enjoyed the most) "I am on the computer talking to a 10 year old finding out how to get past the water level. thanks and good luck on the spelling bee"( my second favorite line of the night)
Tess talked about what else her weight and looks
Tammy talked about dumb friends and relatives and bridesmaid dresses. "you can wear them again, tammy wore it when her cousin 'who made her wear it' had her baby"
Ralphie talked about how is father past away the day before (not a bit) and he told his dad's favorite jokes, No bits just the kind of Jokes you would find in a book. Rest in Peace Winston May
Todd talked about being old and how the perception of old changes as you get old, like the concept of his act
Rich talked about buying irregular clothes and the New Jersey Tourist council. "Come to new Jersey, People in Hawaii are kicking themselves for picking there instead of the Jersey shore"
Alonzo talked about the Olympics (second funniest bit of the night) "I didn't know I was a pedephile until I watched womans gymnastics"
and Dave talked about cows, "if we didn't eat cows they would be extinc, because you don't see them in the wild."
we were then told we could vote. Do your duty as americans and vot...oh what the hell may one vote won't count.
If anyone figures out how this show is going to work, let me and Todd Glass know. thank you
Come in a stranger,leave a little stranger
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Slice & Dice Chop Shop 2004
