Last Comic Standing 2, Episode 8 Official Summary
Chicken PescatelliPreviously on Last Comic Standing…
The comics roasted Jay London in front of three comedic dinosaurs legends. Alonzo edged out Gary because Rich Little thought Gary’s act was too “blue” for the traditions of a roast. I’m not sure what roasts Rich has attended in the past century, but every one I’ve ever seen has more “F” words than a Tarantino flick. The alliance (minus Tammy “Takin’ the Day Off” Pescatelli) went after Gary. Ant took the bait and, against his better judgment, joined the alliance in targeting Gary. In the Comic Showdown, Gary mopped the floor with the cloying bug, sending Ant back to his career as a waiter/flight attendant/head shampooer at Supercuts/whatever other stereotypical gay job he can find. 7 comics remain, whose hopes will be dashed against the rocks tonight? Our episode begins with Gary returning to the house. (Side note: I have to admit, I really like this blatant Apprentice rip-off change in the logistics of the showdown. While it was nice having the comics able to see and react to the sets of their housemates during the Showdowns, the element of mystery that not knowing how the comics did or who is coming back is an overall positive. This, however, is about the only positive thing I have to say about this entire season. It’s good to know that The Peacock is turning this thing right around to give us more unqualified and over-hyped comedians this Fall. Lord knows I can never get enough of Jay Mohr’s leather wardrobe.) Our boy Gary was really sweating it, though. He tells us he wasn’t sure if he was coming back to the house. I guess we now know who's the favorite in Barry Katz’s stable. Although honestly, was it really a contest? Gary, his Seinfeld biting notwithstanding, is Smarty Jones compared to Ant’s Nester, the Long-eared Donkey. Once back in the house, the fear turns into bravado, as he, along with John and Corey, begin to mock the alliance. What the alliance failed to take into account is that sheer numbers won’t work the way they do in games like Survivor and Big Brother. You have to actually be funnier than the folks you challenge. The reality of this is starting to hit them, albeit too late. John, who is to drama what Ant is to anything outside his Gay box, is happy that it was Gary who won. John is so not suited to this competition. In fact, John is not really suited for anything competitive. I’m sure he’s loads of fun to play backgammon or Parcheesi with. Tammy has to break out her “Ant wasn’t controlling me” rhetoric. Now that he’s gone, though, will anyone listen to a damn word she says? He was the only one willing to play out her Sopranos fantasy with her. How long will it be before Alonzo duct tapes her mouth shut? As the next day dawns, the feeling of relief at the death of the Queen is still in the air. They all joke about how no one wants Ant’s room. I guess Corey moved out after their little bus altercation. John thinks it’s haunted. Corey, I think, just has too many memories wrapped up in there. Trust me, you don’t want to see him cry. Tammy feels that the house is a bit empty these days. There are only 3 people missing, she says, but they were 3 big personalities. (Yeah, 3 big personalities who have her fingerprints all over their exit from the house. I’m guessing this little irony is lost on our hot-blooded Sicilian.) In a completely random and, as of yet, unexplained happening, a dog named Rusty wanders into the yard. The comics are instructed to play with him. Corey and Jay, though, translate “play” to “feed until nauseous”. John complains that there isn’t any food in the house because of the damn dog. (It seems, after 2 consecutive Big Brother summaries, that I can’t escape folks trapped in house bitching about their diet. If I wanted that, I’d just stand around the copier at work and listen to my female coworkers.) Not everyone is concerned about the food situation. Alonzo is too busy pumping iron and focusing in preparation of fighting Apollo Creed being funny to worry about such trivialities. Eye of the tiger, baby, eye of the tiger. While Alonzo curls weights, Tammy curls the Travelocity garden gnome. That little guy gets around, don’t he? Meanwhile back inside, the Fortune Teller has a new task for our remaining comics. The card reads “Get ready for your toughest challenge yet”. They board a bus and take the tour of the set of “Boyz ‘N the Hood”. They all fear having to perform in front of inmates or drug dealers. I guess no one told them about this week’s cross-promotion with “Oz”. The bus finally comes to rest in front of a 15-foot high fence with razor wire wrapped around the top. Host Jay greets them and says that, so far, the crowds they’ve had to perform for are too easy. Today they will perform for a notoriously difficult crowd, and that crowd will decide who gets immunity. The comics all enter this creepy theatre and are greeted by a clown. They are told that they are to use the props and costumes given them and perform, as clowns, in front of a group of children. The comics quickly dive in—well, all except Jay, who got stuck with a firefighter hat, some angel wings, and gold lamé gloves. In other words, it’s just like Saturday at the thrift store for him. The comics pick licorice sticks for their order, with John, as Marmaduke Stink, first. Marmaduke Stink has a skunk pelt cap, a white lab coat, and an enormous false beard/mustache combo. He tries to tell one joke, realizes what a cosmic mistake this is, and then simply says “remember ‘skunk’”. When the other clowns come out, just chant “skunk, skunk, skunk!” This is actually a stroke of genius. What follows? Not so much. Gary comes out as “Simon Cheese”, Chuck E.’s brother. He has a mouse nose and a propeller hat and tries lead the kids in Simon Says, while speaking in falsetto. This is a total disaster. Jay comes out as “Freddy the Flame”, a flamboyant angel/firefighter with a San Francisco accent. Too bad Ant wasn’t in the audience. He might’ve won. The kids, however, begin to boo and chant “skunk, skunk, skunk!” It may take years of therapy for some of these kids to get over Freddy. Tammy is “Blue Hoo”, and she “Blew Chunks”. Again the kids start chanting “skunk, skunk, skunk!” about 5 seconds into her act. Corey is “Mr. Bootyscratcher”. He looks like Homie the Clown and Fat Albert's love child. He asks one kid what his parents do, and the kid responds “scream all night”. Mr. Bootyscratcher doesn’t know what to do with that. Alonzo is “Cleany the Genie”, an OCD clown who must continually wash himself. He does manage to fall on his ass, which gets a positive response. Otherwise, he’s just way too frightening. Finally, Kathleen comes out as “Lucky the Leprechaun”. She has a leprechaun hat and jacket and speaks with an “Irish Spring” accent. She has the kids jump over a stick. The kids love it. After “Lucky” finishes, Host Jay gives each of the kids a sticker and tells them to go put it on the clown they thought was the funniest. John gets 5, Gary gets 2, Jay gets 2 (those must be some messed up kids), Corey gets 3, Tammy gets 1 (probably a sympathy vote), Alonzo gets 1, and Kathleen gets 6. Host Jay tells “Lucky” she also wins dinner at a swanky LA restaurant and gets to pick 2 comics to accompany her. She picks Corey as payback for his Aspen trip win and Gary as a make-good for her voting for him last week. While Kathleen, Corey, and Gary are at their dinner, Jay is making grilled cheese for the rest of the house, presumably because the dog ate everything else. Flash to the restaurant where Corey is ordering everything on the menu. When his dish finally arrives, he doesn’t recognize it. Back at the house, Tammy has started talking strategy with John. This is roughly the equivalent of trying to discuss German philosophy with your wrist watch. It’s all good, though, because Tammy’s not so much interested in a dialogue as she is in just having someone listen to her paranoid ramblings. Seeing that Gary disposed of Ant, she doesn’t want to challenge him again. Alonzo and Kathleen are her homies, which leaves John, Corey, and Jay. Seeming to forget that Jay is in her alliance, she tells John that it has to be Jay this week. She also wants Alonzo and Corey to start pulling their weight and not to chicken out. That’s some pretty cheap talk coming from someone who weaseled her way out of challenging Gary last week. John just wants to vote for someone he thinks he’s funnier than. Tammy, however, has turned into Lady Macbeth, and will do whatever it takes to get to the final five. The next day, the comics are sitting around discussing strategy, again. Tammy is really working the “you guys are cowards” angle. However, unlike Ant, Alonzo and Corey possess vertebrae, and basically tell her to go gratify herself. This gets Tammy’s Sicilian blood working overtime. This chick has turned into such a caricature of herself. Kathleen says she’ll help out Tammy because her only alliance is with her. Everyone else? Is off the alliance bandwagon. Which brings us to the challenge ceremony… Host Jay comes in with the same boring “here are the rules” BS. Photo booth, yadda, yadda, “I’m funnier than…”, yadda, yadda, head to head challenge, yadda, yadda. Yawn. Anyway, here’s how it breaks down: Corey: I’m funnier than John Heffron.
Kathleen: I’m funnier than Jay.
Tammy: I’m funnier than Jay.
Gary: I’m funnier than Tammy.
John: I’m funnier than Corey.
Alonzo: I’m funnier than Gary.
Jay: I’m funnier than Gary. The tie forces Gary and Jay to square off. The injustice in this is that the fractured alliance between Alonzo and Tammy has caused Gary to have to defend himself again this week. Just once I’d like to see these people have the balls to come after each other. Alonzo and Jay should’ve gone after Tammy. No question. Oh well, these people are comedians (allegedly), not strategists. In preparation, Gary irons his clothing and worries about facing off against Jay. Jay, however, is more concerned with getting a vision or channeling the comedy gods. This guy is just not playing with the same cards that you and I are. The Showdown
Host Jay comes out and does his Shakes-inspired warm-up bit about cat-hating. Yeah, we get it. Cats are cold, dogs are stupid. Next… Backstage, Gary is worried about Jay’s unpredictability. Mostly he just worries. A lot. Jay is too busy trying to become Jake La Motta in Raging Bull to worry about anything. Jay is first up. He does his barrage of one-liners, like Henny Youngman’s hippy, ne’er-do-well son. He’s got this routine down to a science, but you either love it or think it’s annoying as hell. Looking at this crowd, I’m going with the latter. Gary is next, and despite his irritating habit of constantly pacing back and forth on stage like a caged tiger, his delivery is even better than it was last week. He opens with a very funny bit about rope climbing in gym class. This is followed by an amusing bit about external speed-checkers on the road and another useless invention—the candle snuffer. He finishes with his bit about the pill. Still very vanilla, but he does the best he can with it. We go to commercial with Host Jay explaining to the brain-baked Californians how to work the complex “A or B” voting apparatus. This does not inspire confidence in the accuracy of the results. When we return, the votes are in (well, as “in” as they’re going to be, anyway). With a total of 89% of the vote, the winner is Gary Gulman. Gary is a gracious winner and gets choked up in seeing Jay leave. Jay exits saying this was the greatest time of his life. Next week…The loser comics return. What is this, Paradise Hotel?  Fester
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