LAST EDITED ON 01-10-03 AT 08:22 AM (EST)The scene: Aerial view of a French chateau.
* cue music *
Tale as old as time.
True? It's Fox - can't be.
Barely even friends,
Ratings will ascend,
Unexpectedly.
Just a little lie,
And a few switches.
Find an average Joe,
Act like he's got dough
Beauty and the b!tches.
Meet the Diggers
We're first treated to a montage of Joe, aka Evan Wallace Marriott. See Joe move dirt. See Joe shove food in face. See Joe in Snobby Boy Boot Camp. To hook us in, we're shown scenes from upcoming episodes of jetsetting, club hopping, and a rooftop confessional where our Joe agonizes about lying to "her" since he really cares for "her".
Meanwhile, we're also given our first glances at the twenty women clawing their way toward our millionaire. The basic theme of their confessionals? Gee, it's not like they beat us over the head with this...
"The man of my dreams is honest."
Ahem.
You want honesty. Hmmm. And let's see what answers the women would give to the following questions:
1. Is that your natural hair color?
2. How much do you weigh? No, really.
3. How old are you? No, really.
4. Would you have gone on this show if it were called Who Wants to Marry a Construction Worker?
5. How much did those boobs cost?
You get what you give. 'Nuff said.
There's an old guy sitting by a fireplace holding a brandy snifter. He introduces himself as Paul Hogan. Ew. I thought he aged badly when he drove his Subaru Outback around the Outback until his skin looked like a crocodile hide, but now he looks like the Burl Ives snowman in "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer". He explains that he's the butler and goes over the premise again for the folks who haven't caught it the first 8,327 times we've had it explained to us up to this point. Then the camera pans to a tiny cricket sitting by the fire, who began to sing...
When you wish upon a star,
Makes no difference who you are.
Anything your heart desires
Will come to you.
When money is in your dreams,
Nothing is quite what it seems.
When you wish upon a star,
The joke's on you.
Now, let's meet Evan.
Evan: Me like dirt. Me like power.
We get to watch Evan play with his life-sized Tonka toys in his jumbo sandbox. Then we meet Evan's friend, Jeremy.
Jeremy: Evan is so cool. On my first day, he told me he'd let me run all of the heavy equipment. That told me what kind of guy he is.
Uh, handing over the keys to a stranger? Yeah, it tells me about him too.
Evan: I like to work construction, eat fast food, and drink beer.
Nice to see you have goals.
Evan: I've been dating since I was 15, and I still haven't found a girl.
WTF? I don't want to know what you've been dating all of that time. No wonder he's single.
Time for Snobby Boy Boot Camp, where they're trying to bake an upper crust on Joe. First stop? The butler, for a wine exercise. Now, my idea of a wine exercise is: open a bottle of wine, drink, repeat. But the butler plays nobody's favorite game, Red or White. Play along at home (answers are in invisotext):
Steak? Duh, red.
Quail? White.
Now it's time for the etiquette lesson. INSTAPOLL!!!!
When a scary older woman offers her hand, what do you do? Choices, per Evan:
a) Lick it
b) Kiss it
c) Shake it
No wonder he's single. Evan chose a combination of A & B. After wiping off his slobber, he learned that the correct answer was indeed C. Then after a waltzing lesson and a shot of Evan dancing with himself, we got the second round of Red or White.
Lamb? Red.
Foie gras? What's that?
No wonder he's single. Then he and the Butler Doughboy planned strategy while the Miss Clueless Golddigger competition began. Let's begin the parade. And what would a parade be without clowns? In this case, we have some extremely sissified footmen driving the girls in two by two.
Girl #1: OhmyGod! It's a freakin' chateau!
Girl #2: OhmyGod! I can't believe I'm here! I feel like a princess!
Girl #1 (confessional): I definitely expect to marry a man with a large...paycheck.
Girl #2 (confessional): At this point in my life, I'm desperate for a man to save me from my miserable life because...
...I live in a pit.
...Because I had a plan to be married by the time I was 23, and damn it, I'm 24!
...I'm tired of paying for dates because I've been going out with cheap men.
Repeat 10 times. I'm not wasting the space. They were introduced too quickly for me to take down all of their names, but just do what I do - when in doubt, call her Melissa.
While Evan is continuing his wine interrogation, the girls are moving in, screeching, and knocking over lamps. I think Melissa did it. One of the other girls (Melissa?) says, "You break it, you buy it."
Hmmm...seems to me these girls think about money a lot.
Final wine quiz, so please swirl your wine and answer...Salmon?
Hint: Evan thought red wine for red fish. Don't follow him there. You don't want to follow this guy down a mental path.
The First Meeting
So now we have twenty women, a French chateau, and sissy footmen. What else do we need? A cardboard hostess!
Cardboard Hostess: Hello, my name is (checks script) Alex McCloud, your host.
Sal-i-ga-doo-la, magic-a-boola
Bippity boppity boo
We've got a rich millionaire here for you
Bippity boppity boo
We'll throw a party, we'll party hearty
Bippity boppity boo
We've brought some dresses, one for each of you
Bippity boppity boo
His millions are nifty, and he's got fifty
Bippity boppity boo
After the ball, 8 will leave, "Toodle-loo"
Bippity boppity bippity boppity bippity boppity boo
Then the girls drank champagne together and used the words "money" and "Cinderella" way too many times in a sentence.
Um, ladies? A man has $50 million dollars and he needs the people from Fox to set him up with a woman? Funny, but not a single woman asked any of the following questions:
1. How old is he?
2. Does he have any of his original teeth?
3. How badly does he drool?
Now here's the plan - Evan will make a grand entrance on horseback. The catch? (Since, after all, everything on this show has to have a catch.) Mr. Power Dirt Equipment has never ridden a horse before. While he's trying to learn, we see the girls get a 20 Minute Warning that he's coming to see them and scramble for their makeup, curlers, and mirrors.
Some day my prince will come
Must put my makeup on
I'm hoping to make him see
That I love him and his money.
As Evan's horse runs away (smart horse), we learn Evan's father's Secrets of Physical Attraction:
1. Check out her mom. (That has a different meaning here in the South.)
2. Check her out without makeup.
Now stepping up to the plate...Evan Wallace. He's 0 for 2. He makes a silly horse joke, some small talk, and then he bangs his chin on the saddle trying to mount again. The girls are too clueless to notice any problems - they think he's smooth. Maybe if they took off their gold, silver, and green-colored glasses...
A girl (Melissa?): He's like Gaston!
Um...Gaston was the arrogant oaf that Belle dumped because he was too full of himself. You want a big studly cartoon, go to Disney World.
Evan: One girl wore a hat. I like hats.
As Evan rides away, he says, "I just started the biggest lie of my life." Oh really? I thought the biggest lie was the reason women aren't allowed to bring rulers into the bedroom.
The Dress Selection
Paul: Ladies, you wil have 30 minutes to pick your dress. There are 20 of you and 20 dresses. (Pause while they do the math. Pause edited because it's only a 1-hour show.)
Now we separate the women from the harpies.
Girl #1 (Melissa?): Let's spilt into equal-sized groups and go into the room in an orderly fashion.
Is she an accountant? Then they spend a lot of time counting off, doing math without the help of Schoolhouse Rock, and standing in their new cliques...until Paul opens the door, and they act like they're at Filene's Basement.
And one of the women is possessed by demons! Meet Heinous Heidi. Not only does she take...two...dresses, she won't share. I'll bet she runs with scissors, too.
Poor Zora. She thought they were going in alphabetically, so she gets the last dress, which doesn't fit.
Girl (Melissa?): Well, she is shaped differently than the rest of us.
Yow. Sounds more like Heinous Heidi. Another way Zora's different - she didn't inherit that b!tch gene that you did. As Zora forlornly sits in her too-small black gown, the seamstresses get to work...
We can do it, we can do it,
Cinderelly, we can do it...
They have her switch gowns with someone else (Melissa?). Oh Zora, you have a blue dress on - feel the power of the blue dress, babe!
It's almost time for the ball! Aaaaaah! I'll bet they feel like princesses! I'll bet they feel like Cinderella! I'll bet they hope they're meeting their Prince Charming!
Evan: I'd like an independent woman, since I'm not ambitious and only make $19,000 a year.
Heinous Heidi: I don't like this dress, but clothes can come off.
Why am I not surprised. She will claw over 19 other women in the name of impressing a man, but she'll drop the dress the moment he looks at her.
Melissa Jo (aka Mojo): This is my chance to shine.
Another Melissa: I just want to look into his eyes.
Dayana (not Melissa): I'm too pretty for this piece of sh!t purple dress. (her words)
Evan: What if they don't like me?
Um, I can think of 50 million reasons why you shouldn't worry.
Heinous Heidi: A toast - to all of the women I'll step over to get what I want.
Evan's Big Ball
One by one the Melissas, et al, are presented to Evan.
Heinous Heidi: Give me your hand. NOW! I want to see if you're real.
Naw, Heinous Heidi, he's just an animatronic on loan from Walt Disney World and must be returned to the Country Bear Jamboree after filming.
Mojo: What's your middle name?
Evan: Uh......
He handles this question worse than the guys on the bridge in Monty Python and the Holy Grail. The producers freak. We haven't even gotten into the hard questions yet, like "Where do you live?" and "What do rich people do for fun?" and he's freezing.
Twenty minutes later...
Evan: I gave her my mother's maiden name.
Identity thieves around the country get to work.
Meanwhile, Mary decides to "go the extra mile" to make an impression. Sorry Mary, but you were supposed to leave the 3-D glasses behind once you left Epcot.
Zora: Do I have anything in my teeth?
Melissa M. walks in and dazzles Evan with her smile.
Evan: Wow, she didn't smile like a gold digger.
Now it's time for the Spotlight Dance. He ends with a dip. The same thing can be said of his partner. Q&A time is next.
Evan: I'm not a good liar.
Duh.
Evan: I was so nervous, it's a w-w-w-onder that it didn't st-st-stutter.
Melissa M: I love the butterflies, I live for butterflies.
Wow, the chateau gets the Nature Channel?
The Rose...I mean, Jewelry...Ceremony
Alex: Each ceremony, Evan will give out jewelry - put it down, Heinous Heidi - to those who he invites to stay. The others will be sent home, after we check your luggage for towels and ashtrays. Tonight's gift is pearls. Each week, the loot gets better.
One by one, they're called up for Evan to fumble through putting the pearls around their necks as we hear his thoughts about them.
Brandy - "She looked great. She invited me to go to spin class with her."
(Oh no, she's already trying to change him - danger!)
LA Katie - "She's confident."
Melissa M. - "Stunning smile."
Dayana - "She's confident."
Alison - "She looked great."
Dana - "She's not shy. And she's sweet."
Amanda - "She looked great."
Sarah - "She's not shy."
Heinous Heidi - "She's ballsy."
(Uh, Evan? You're supposed to bring those to the relationship.)
Zora - "She looked great."
Melissa Jo - "She's sweet."
Mandy - "She's sweet."
Evan: It was a hard decision. You're all confident and sweet and not shy. You look great.
Tears & Goodbyes
Upstairs, the girls pack and look at their necklaces.
Katy: I didn't feel a connection with him. Do you think anyone will notice if some of this French wine ends up in my carry-on?
Jen: I'm fine. I always cry when I'm fine.
Heinous Heidi: Hey, bite me. Seriously, bite my necklace to see if the pearls are real.
10-1 she tells Evan, "Some of the girls were biting the pearls, wondering if they were real."
Evan: I'm waist deep in...can't go back.
Coming Up on Joe Millionaire
More jewelry...more cattiness...more swearing...more Heinous Heidi (damn)...and 7 more to be sent home next week.
Oooo, look at some of the dates:
- A bad-ass chick at the Moulin Rouge
Hey sista, go sista, better get that dough, sistas...
- A jet ride (special note: Mr. Bebo wants to sing the parts in parenthesis - he wanted to be part of this summary. He's singing Evan's part.)
A whole new world (Don't you dare close your eyes)
A hundred thousand things to see (Can't afford to come back here)
And as the French chateau fades from view and the credits roll...
Tale as old as time,
Will there be a hitch?
Beauty and the b!tch...es.
(edited for typo)
Me? The Mole? Ya think? Well, I AM Evil.
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"I resolve to constantly assert my honest opinion on anything and everything - whether it's requested or not."
