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Conferences Joe Millionaire Forum (Protected)
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PepeLePew13 24731 desperate attention whore postings
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02-17-03, 01:06 PM (EST)
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"The Official "
LAST EDITED ON 02-17-03 AT 01:10 PM (EST)

...Joe Millionaire Episode 6 Summary – “The Recrap Revue”


It is 2:00 a.m. and a dark, solitary figure is tiptoeing onto a balcony of a French chateau.

Pepe: Paul, do you think it’s okay to post the episode summary now that the rioting, looting and burning of FUX’s offices seems to have subsided from the protests over the recrap airing?

Paul: I think so. Hang on, let me check something out.

* Paul dials his cellphone *

George Bush: Hello?

Paul: Hi. Have we diverted enough attention away from the Iraq issue by now?

Bush: Yes, it looks good now. There’s also a ton of snow here in D.C. so that’ll help to keep people’s minds occupied elsewhere. Thanks, Paul.

Paul: No problem. <click> Okay, Pepe, go ahead and post it.



The first five minutes or so are of the same old recycled footages from past episodes.

Bebo got us started with her take on the 20 smiling beauties arriving at the chateau.

The Miss Clueless Golddigger competition began and let's begin the parade. And what would a parade be without clowns? In this case, we have some extremely sissified footmen driving the girls in two by two.

Girl #1: OhmyGod! It's a freakin' chateau!
Girl #2: OhmyGod! I can't believe I'm here! I feel like a princess!
Girl #1 (confessional): I definitely expect to marry a man with a large...paycheck.
Girl #2 (confessional): At this point in my life, I'm desperate for a man to save me from my miserable life because...
...I live in a pit.
...Because I had a plan to be married by the time I was 23, and damn it, I'm 24!
...I'm tired of paying for dates because I've been going out with cheap men.

Repeat 10 times. I'm not wasting the space. They were introduced too quickly for me to take down all of their names, but just do what I do - when in doubt, call her Melissa.

Then we’re shown scenes from group dates – I’ll let Bucky Katt tell us how one particular date went:

The first flock of 4 consists of Dana, Melissa, Sarah and Brandy and the five of them are off. Evan tells us in a voiceover that he has some work for them as he wants to see who can handle a situation where the going gets tough as his life isn’t full of many comforts. Translation: I have no furniture.

It is a cold and rainy morning, and once they arrive at the vineyard the women are instructed to pick grapes that are used to make wine. Is this something you really need to know if they can do Evan? Or are you simply trying to determine which one of them can handle small round objects the best. Too bad there aren’t any banana trees in France.

Heidi doesn’t get the rose and says “whatever.” Yes, this has been shown in the opening of each of the last few episodes, but it’s worth it just to mention this again.

Sara-ho and Smilissa huddle up by the window to see another girl going on her date with Evan and Smilissa calls her “a little slut.” Pot. Kettle. Black. That’s a bit like Hannibal Lecter telling us we shouldn’t eat hamburgers because it’s bad for our health.

Evan goes on dates in the French Riviera with each of the three remaining girls, scores a kiss with each of them (and more, much more with two of them), then complains about living a lie and facing the prospect of having to tell them about his true identity – oh and you didn’t see anything wrong with getting hot’n’heavy with three girls at once? Must be reassuring to your future wife to know that you don’t have a problem with sharing your bed with multiple partners.

Now Evan must choose.

Paul: Personally I find it rather frightening. First, he must make his final selection. Will it be Sara-ho or Zzzora? Then he must reveal the truth. Let’s wish him well, shall we?



Let’s meet our bumbling bachelor and the two remaining contestants vying for his alleged pocketbook, shall we?


The Prince and the Pauper

Not long ago in a land reeking with bodily odours and a severe lack of manners, there were a couple of guys who looked exactly alike, a pauper called Evan Marriott and the other, FUX’s Clown Prince known as Evan Wallace. The ordinary Evan dreamed of bulldozers and an easy life as Royalty and the Prince dreamed of mammaries and long legs. One day, Evan Marriott got a call from FUX and was asked if he’d like to be a Prince for a little while and meet some foxy ladies. They just didn’t tell him he would have to learn which wine would go with which food. Faster than Evan could drool an answer, he found himself switching identities and flying to France to see how the rich lives and proving that the maxim is true: money = girls. By placing an idiot into the role of the Crown Prince, the Butler (who goes by the name of Paul) has taken advantage of this situation to inflict his power over the hapless Evan to pull some puppet strings with the ladies.


Lady and the Tramp

The Lady is Zora, also known as Zzzora, Snora, and The Clueless One. She’s a substitute teacher from Colorado who believes in fairy tales. Just wait, there’s one you haven’t heard yet, and it’s a whopper of a fairy tale. She’s so boring, even her profile on FUX.com only has about 3 questions while other contestants have about 15 to answer.

The Tramp is Sarah, also as Sara-ho and The Moaner. Her day job is something in “sales and design” – what does that mean, you design strappy shoes and then advertise it by wearing it in a S&M fetish film? Everything you need to know about her is summed up by her answer to this question asked on her FUX profile: “What is your ideal man like?” Her answer: “Smart, funny, confident, spontaneous, responsible, honest, generous, noble, faithful, fun, intellectual, open-minded yet traditional, tall … other than that, I’m not picky.”


Alright, on to the alleged show now.

Zzzora and Sara-ho sit down at a table outside and just smile awkwardly to each other then look elsewhere. Can you say “uncomfortable pause,” kids? No doubt thinking about how they’re going to scratch each other to pieces without the camera looking. Zzzora, if you touch that hair one more time… you could get a role in the remake of “Black Beauty” and I don’t mean as a rider.

There’s some strange, dark-haired woman that I’m not familiar with who came out to talk to the two girls, her name’s Alice McCloud or something like that. She gives a spiel about Evan extending a final invitation to the lucky girl where she’ll get a ring and that Evan wants to spend time alone with each girl to see how they feel about everything. If you thought the 20 girls chasing Evan were desperate, you haven’t seen Alice Alena, whatever her name is, try to hold onto her job here. Evan needs more time so the girls are left to mull over how they’re going to scratch each other all over again. What a way to waste a few minutes of perfectly good film.

Cut to the lush Paul sipping his beloved cognac and he utters perhaps the line of the season: “Is there more love in their hearts than cash in Evan’s bank account?”

Just as we cut to commercial, Evan said, “Someone’s gonna get hurt.” No fooling, an intelligent statement from Evan! Except, it’s not Zzzora or Sara-ho that is going to get hurt. More like a knee to the crotch or a patch of hair ripped out of your head, Evan.

Sara-ho: Tomorrow, Evan’s going to present Zora or I a ring to show his intent to “getting to know you more.” What have you NOT already gotten to know about Evan by now? Did you forget to count how many boils he has on his ass, Sara-ho?

We fade to flashbacks of Sara-ho’s first meeting with Evan. Stutter Boy described it as a moment where “his heart was just jumping out of his chest” when he first saw Sara-ho. Then we see Evan’s first meeting with Zzzora. Even then it was quickly apparent how cold she was. Way to make a first impression by talking about food stuck in your teeth!

Remember what I said earlier about The Butler pulling the strings of the hapless idiot to exert his power? Well lookee who was the one making the announcements of who would be the first girls to receive the gems! Yep, it was Paul who did the honours while Evan had his back turned to the 20 girls at the first elimination. Just an aside, keep this in mind as a possible twist.

We return to the catfight between Zzzora and Sara-ho. They’re in the bedroom and Zzzora is displaying her ignorance about what kind of necklaces they’ve got. Aha! Zzzora is the mole! 19 money-hungry, greedy beyotches drooling over the mere mention of “money” and “gems” – and you’ve got this one person saying “what’s a carat?” Sara-ho mentions she slept with her necklace on. Yet another awkward pause between the two of them before we cut to Evan.

Paul calls Sara-ho and says that Evan requests her company. Then he mutters aside that she takes forever to get ready. He leers at her and suggests she change her clothes so she’d be ready for a walk with Evan.

Sara-ho greets Evan with warm touches and Zzzora greets him with a casual “Hey, Evan” and stands two feet away from him. It’s an easy decision whom he should pick, no?

We then flash back to Sara-ho’s Paris date with Evan. Watch the drool come from her lips as she open her gifts from Evan and see she’s got a bunch of shoes of him. Sure, she just “happened” to get a gift of shoes. Uh huh, yesiree Bob, nothing subtle about that.

Zzzora then goes into her horse-walk with her hair swinging from side to side with such ferocity that it’s a good thing they were a good distance away from the trees or they’d get knocked over. Flashback to her date with Evan. She doesn’t eat much, asks “what’s going on in that head, Evan” and Evan grills her on why she’s giving him so little.
Swami gives us the lowdown on their conversation:

When Evan keeps pressing her to relax, she answers “I can’t pretend to be someone I’m not! That’s so hard, and why do it?

Evan nods wisely “I know the feeling. Trust me, I know.” Once again, irony drips from my TV screen. The camera focuses on Evan nodding wisely and Zora trying to figure out what the heck he is talking about.

Hands up if you still understand why Zzzora is in the final two after this pathetically bad date.

Back to Evan walking with Sara-ho. Is it just me or is there a lot of nudge-nudge, wink-wink innuendos in their conversation?

Evan: …cause the kind of girl that I like is a girl that can forget about what’s going on around us and can concentrate just on us. Now that’s kind of difficult as even I was having a hard time with it at first, you know?

Don’t worry… she’s got that covered with her ability to slip the cameramen to get down with Evan and with her experience in the S&M foot fetish films!

Another flashback sequence to Evan and Sara-ho’s bike-riding date to a French winery. I was real happy to see the winery owner doing the cork-popping for a change. I can only take so much of Evan’s cork popping.

Evan: All she wanted to do was talk about the money. D’uh. How am I supposed to concentrate with these boobs? Me Tarzan, you Jane, we kiss.

This leads to a little slap and tickle in the woods with Beavis Evan getting us started with a “huh huh he ha.” Take it away, Fester

Cue porn music (bow-wah-chicka-chicka…Tonight’s Booty Call is brought to you by Verizon Wireless…”Can you hear me now? Good.”…and is closed captioned for the horny—I mean hearing impaired. Let’s Get It On…)

Ahhh
Mwah
Uhhh
Mwah
Mmmm
{Zzzzip}
Ha Ha Ha Ha (Don’t worry Evan, it happens to the best of us **snicker**)

Meanwhile back at Le Chateau…
Zzzzora, taking this “Cinderella” thing too literally, is busy washing her clothing in the sink, whilst birds and mice flit about her singing songs of merriment.

<We rejoin our couple…Already in progress>
Think it will go better laying down?
{Snap}
{Sproing}
{Honk}
Ahhh
Shhh
{Aaaa-oooogah}
Ahhh
Shhh
{Slurp}
Shhh
{Slurp}
Umh
{Slurp}
Mmmmm
{Gulp} (Well, I guess that answers that question. You see, this is why this one-on-one time is soooo important.)

Meanwhile…
Zzzzora plays Mojo Jojo in chess. As if…

<Back at the action…Seconds anyone?>
Ahhh
{Slurp}
{Smack}
Umh
{Smack}
Who’s your Daddy?
Huh Huh Ha He
YAHTZEE!!

Evan & Sar-ahhh emerge from the hedges with a greater understanding of each other. I mean, nothing says “I truly care for you” like a quickie in the garden.

After the ending was brought to you by Maxwell House (“Good ‘til the last drop”), we cut to Evan walking with an extremely stiff-looking Zzzora. At least, I hope that was Zzzora – it’s easy to confuse her galloping walk and swaying hair with a real mare.

We segue to Evan and Zzzora’s horseback riding date – how did we know that would be coming up? Evan mounted a horse (not Zzzora, mind you) as did Zzzora and off they went to a very cheesy Disneyesque picnic date complete with Thumper, Bambi and his Mother, Mrs. Quail, Rocky Raccoon and Friend Owl.

Zzzora and Evan conclude their date by heading off to the hot tub. Quicker than you could say “Heidi-Ho,” the other three girls are able to get a whiff of Zzzora’s fear – no mean feat considering they’re in France with all that B.O. floating around – and quickly make it back to the chateau in time to crash Zzzora’s hot tub party.

Zzzora got pissed at this display of flying bOObs straining from barely-there pieces of cloth and cat fighting so she left. Evan might have tried to follow her if it wasn’t for the SCHWIIIIIIIIING! that reverberated throughout the French countryside so he figured it was less bothersome to stay put in the hot tub.

We’re back with flashbacks to Zzzora and Sara-ho’s trips to the Mediterranean for their individual dates with Evan. Am I ever happy that we don’t have to deal with Slutlissa’s desperate whoring-and-look-at-my-boobs-uh-make-that-my-long-legs- and-whoops-there’s-my-panties recap…

*static * What? We have a recap from our correspondent, Silvergirl. Over to you…

Back at the hotel, Evan picks up Zora at her door and she's wearing a dress that puts a bathing suit to shame. I think the magical mice and birds who made the dress must have kept most of the thread for nest building. Hey, what's the fuss about wearing a bathing suit when your dress barely covers your boobs! She looks dressed to kill and he is in casual clothes.

Evan: The first thing out of my mouth is "Did you get that breast in Paris?"

Evan: Did you... did you bring that breast... that uh…dress with you, or…

Okay, thanks, SG! This colossal faux pas didn’t stop Zzzora from eventually letting Evan kiss her in the pool at the end of their date even after he pulled her in, robe and all.

Meanwhile… during Sara-ho’s date, yadda yadda yadda and then Evan kisses her good night and not ten minutes later, a panting Sara-ho knocks on his door for a little hanky panky.

Now that the tedious flashbacks are done, we see Sara-ho and Zzzora sitting at the dining table having a meal alone. The two spend more time thinking about digging their claws into each other than actually talking, and when they do talk, Sara-ho’s playing psychological mind games with Zzzora. Zzzora’s found a new OCD obsession other than her hair – playing with the silverware.

After the break, we see Evan mulling over his decision with Paul. He’s fretting over whether the ladies will accept that he’s a $19,000 a year construction worker even if they accept that they’ve been lied to and juggled around in between dates – what, you think women are that easy? Well, they did fly all the way to France just for a 1-in-20 shot of being the “one” at the end with a strange man without an idea what he looked like.

Paul brings both girls down one at a time to the salon to await Evan. The show ends with Evan uttering the confession to one unknown girl off-camera about his true identity.

Paul then comes on and thanks us for sitting through this hour-long pile of excrement and that we’ll *snicker snicker* find out next week what happens when Evan does finally tell the girls about his background and who he has chosen to be his partner in this fairy tale of a show. He also confirms that there will be a “rather big, surprising and remarkable twist.”

Next week: The rejected ladies speak out and utter threats to whack him around, Evan tells the unknown winner he has chosen her and is forced to come clean, then asks her to meet him in the ballroom that night to give her answer to his proposal. Then the “unbelievable twist that everyone will be talking about!” I fear that the twist might be nothing more than Sara-ho running off with Paul when she finds out that HE actually has more money than Evan does.


"When you get to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on."

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  Table of Contents

  Subject     Author     Message Date     ID  
 RE: The Official minitroll 02-17-03 1
 RE: The Official Silvergirl1 02-17-03 2
 RE: The Official Femme 02-17-03 3
 RE: The Official smiles 02-17-03 4
 RE: The Official L82LIFE 02-17-03 5
 RE: The Official AMAI 02-17-03 6
   RE: The Official PepeLePew13 02-17-03 7
       RE: The Official AMAI 02-17-03 8
 RE: The Official Red Lady 02-18-03 9
 RE: The Official dajaki 02-18-03 10
 Thanks Pepe s_man 02-18-03 11

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minitroll 3898 desperate attention whore postings
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02-17-03, 03:23 PM (EST)
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1. "RE: The Official "
Good job Pepe! You didn't have much to work with, but you made that "hour-long pile of excrement" very entertaining! At least something good came out of this episode. Thanks for the hilarious recap of the recrap.
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Silvergirl1 9320 desperate attention whore postings
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02-17-03, 03:37 PM (EST)
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2. "RE: The Official "

This recap is nothing short of genius Pepe! LOL! I loved the way you used the previous summaries.

Great Job!


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Femme 3621 desperate attention whore postings
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02-17-03, 03:39 PM (EST)
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3. "RE: The Official "
Oh, great job Pepe! I loved every bit, and you chose some great summary highlights, too. Incredible job!


Femme
"I shall no longer play the field; the field stinks, both economically and socially."

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smiles 675 desperate attention whore postings
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02-17-03, 04:24 PM (EST)
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4. "RE: The Official "
This summary was much better than the show! I am all ready for tonight!!

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L82LIFE 5333 desperate attention whore postings
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02-17-03, 04:52 PM (EST)
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5. "RE: The Official "
WooHoo Pepe! What a great job you did with such a horrible episode to work with. Here's a few of my faves:

Smilissa calls her “a little slut.” Pot. Kettle. Black. That’s a bit like Hannibal Lecter telling us we shouldn’t eat hamburgers because it’s bad for our health.

Tomorrow, Evan’s going to present Zora or I a ring to show his intent to “getting to know you more.” What have you NOT already gotten to know about Evan by now? Did you forget to count how many boils he has on his ass, Sara-ho?

Sure, she just “happened” to get a gift of shoes. Uh huh, yesiree Bob, nothing subtle about that.


I fear that the twist might be nothing more than Sara-ho running off with Paul when she finds out that HE actually has more money than Evan does.

I was LMAO, Pepe. You ROCK!

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AMAI 1254 desperate attention whore postings
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02-17-03, 07:33 PM (EST)
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6. "RE: The Official "
LAST EDITED ON 02-17-03 AT 07:34 PM (EST)

Pepe, great job!

I was so sure the finale would have a ton of recaps that I'd already sought and received permissions from all previous recappers to quote from theirs.

With a half-hour to showtime, I'm now wondering if I'll need to use YOUR material. Just in case, may I, with credit to you, of course?

And tell me, how do you make "Bebo" "Bucky Katt" etc = the link to the correct recap? I have this awful feeling that there is no way to fill 2 hours except by having a sh!tload of recaps. You got the dates, I think I'll be getting the eliminations of everyone else.

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PepeLePew13 24731 desperate attention whore postings
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02-17-03, 07:51 PM (EST)
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7. "RE: The Official "
AMAI... sure, you can use any of my material in your summary where needed!

Here's what you can do to find out how to link using a name or whatever... you should click on "Reply with Quotes" and you'll see how the link is set up. Keep in mind that you only need the "community.realitytvworld. ..." and NOT the http:// if you're using a SurvivorBlows URL.

Here's an example... A Link to my Article thread

Hope that helps.


"When you get to the end of your rope, tie a knot and hang on."

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AMAI 1254 desperate attention whore postings
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02-17-03, 10:08 PM (EST)
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8. "RE: The Official "
LAST EDITED ON 02-17-03 AT 10:16 PM (EST)


Pepe, even as I took notes during Hour 1, I wrote - see Pepe's article! I can't believe they recapped last week's recap.

And you had some funny lines that I just want to find a way to work into my recap, someway, somehow.

I appreciate the tip on how to work out how to do that special kind of link. Yes it is VERY helpful

How about that - there's going to be an Aftermath next week. I wonder who is gonig to do the Recap? Not me, I've got my work cut out with this 2 hour finale - there wasn't nearly as much repeated material as I expected.

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Red Lady 2010 desperate attention whore postings
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02-18-03, 03:54 AM (EST)
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9. "RE: The Official "
Bravo Pepe! You actually provided re-caps within your re-cap...brilliant!
I am sure this took you awhile to organize and post...great job!

Regards, Red Lady
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dajaki 1453 desperate attention whore postings
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02-18-03, 08:38 AM (EST)
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10. "RE: The Official "
Thanks for a witty summary of the dismal recap show. You made it much more enjoyable and, unlike the show, it didn't waste an hour of my life. Thank you!
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02-18-03, 08:59 AM (EST)
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11. "Thanks Pepe"
Nothing says recrap like:

<Back at the action…Seconds anyone?>
Ahhh
{Slurp}
{Smack}
Umh
{Smack}
Who’s your Daddy?
Huh Huh Ha He
YAHTZEE!!


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