LAST EDITED ON 02-22-03 AT 06:41 PM (EST)

But First, A Crapisode to Beat All Crapisodes

But FIRST, A Preface

There, now don't you feel like you're reading a Joe Millionaire recap?

When the premise of this show percolated (I mean oozed) out of the sewer system known as FUX network, it seemed too ghastly even for me, who has watched and recapped Elimidate and Meet My Folks. I woke up from my temporary insanity, decided I couldn't pass up an opportunity to snark at some DAWs and signed up.

I purposely chose not to watch Episode 1. Hell, I wasn't going to watch any of the episodes. That's so passe. My plan was read the recaps, get permission to quote and watch my assigned ep. Finales are usually full of recrap, anyway, right?

That plan went out the window after everyone raved over the hilarity of 20 b!tches scratching each other's eyes out in the race for the evening gown competition.

Okay, truthfully, the plan really tanked after The American Music Awards turned out to be worse than listening to plates clatter in the dishwasher's rinse cycle while my cat mew-whines to be let out when it's raining. She makes me get up and open the door and then she runs under the sofa, to resume mew-whining in five minutes like it's a brand new sunny day. Long story longer, I switched to Joe Mill part-way through ep 2 and haven't missed an episode yet.

My plan was completely demolished when PepeLePew got the recrapisode honours. But with permissions in hand, I'm determined to find a reason to quote from the wonderful recaps by Bebo, Bucky Katt, Swami, Fester, Silvergirl and PepeLePew.

Now for the Crapisode: Dignity Where Art Thou?

It's 8p.m. Are you wondering how FUX plans to fill 2 hours? Wonder no longer. Get settled. With a drink. You're about to take a ride down the slippery slope of Secrets Revealed. 20 girls began the journey. 19 turned out to be cookie-cutter attention whores with curvaceous bodies and empty heads. 18 of them have been tossed like so many used beer bottles (what, no refund on those empties?)

Thankfully the first 8 bootees are not revisited. Their "secrets" are of no interest to an audience that doesn't even know their names. We'll have to get by without learning if they would have put out, er, been able to carry on a conversation. They've returned to the reality contestant soup whence they came, hopefully never to re-appear in Reality TVdom.

Secrets of The Losers is about the girls who got at least a second date (well, those who could be found), they who fought and won the Joe Mill Pearl Necklace Sweepstakes. Some went on to enjoy third and fourth dates; others we wished had been left in the contestant soup from the get-go. Whatever, they all lost at the Joe Millionaire Game of Love.

To drive home the point that this is about the Losers, the camera looks wistfully at the chateau -- from outside the gates. It's pathetic. Paul, in his customary fireside chair with his customary cognac, dangles the customary and frankly shopworn carrots of 'shocking truths.'

Losers deliver sound bytes, dissing everything from the jewelry and Evan to the other girls and themselves. Not losers for nothing, this largely unhappy group.

Paul takes an umpteenth sip from his umpteenth glass of plonk and acknowledges that "Many of you were distraught when you didn't find out Evan's choice last week." I think we'll agree that that was a twist. Pissed off, yes. Distraught, not so much.

Since they can't drag it out any longer, tonight we shall learn which girl won Evan's heart and how she coped with the shocking truth that got us to watch this shockingly silly show in the first place, followed shockingly quickly by the not necessarily final shocking twist that we've been led to believe shocked the smirk off Evan.

"But first, let's check in with the Losers for their innermost secrets." I am shocked that Paul said the line with a straight face. Must be thanks to the shocking quantity of cognac he's consumed. What secrets can we possibly care to hear about women whose names we don't recall and faces we don't recognise?

I hope you have some tipple. Swami is right, "This show is definitely easier to watch when you're already half-looped."

We're on first name only basis with the Losers. Ages are shown so that eligible bachelors have some clue as to how old their favourite Loser will plan to admit. Occupations are given to assist in having some idea of how much earning power their Loser will bring to the table.

Our first batch of Losers has a montage of them in RealLife because, god knows, none of them was around long enough to fill a 2 minute recrapisegment from time actually spent with Evan.

Dana, 26, is in 'business development' (translation: apprentice high-priced hooker.) She fell for the fairytale "hook line & sinker" because while Dana's subconscious figured "this does not seem real," the battle for her soul lost to "everyone else was buying into it." Evan does match the description of Dana's dream guy: "Tall." Many were certain Dana would be selected to go further, but Bucky Katt pinpointed the reasons she was not “(Dana) looks like Britney Spears stretched out an additional 8 inches or so. Well, the pre-boob job Britney. And with Bill Clinton’s nose.”

Mary, 24, is in 'ad sales.' She thought it a great joke to wear sunglasses to meet Evan. She has a sense of humour like Yoko Ono has a sense of melody. Mary's a hula hooping champion, but secretly she likes to trawl New York backstreets, advertising herself for sale. What a funny ho!

Katy, 24, is a personal assistant whose 'secret' is she's already married: to her job. A montage of Katy at her desk, on her phone, reading scripts, confabbing with flunkies, proves how busy she is. She talks rapidfire at the camera, 19 to the dozen. "Evan wasn't a very good liar I don't care what he makes just gotta be funny." That 'unh unh unh' was pretty funny when you asked him his middle name, Katy.

Katie, 30, is a pediatrician originally from Saigon. She claims she never questioned whether he "really" inherited. It was obvious to her that a huge pile of cash appeals to women cuz "come on, we're women." Prejudicial chauvinistic attitude complements her pig face.

"I think he likes big breasts," says quick study Amanda, 28, flight attendant. It was a blow to her ego to hear Evan give his reasons for keeping other girls. Amanda considers it inappropriate to select a mate by the size of her breasts, but I think it's only because her titties didn't get Evan to stare open-mouthed. And how is "interested in travelling" any more appropriate a way to select a mate? Amanda's secret is she's an idiot.

Dayanna expected to meet her Prince Charming and instead got Evan. LOL! Her whining about "the piece of sh!t purple dress" was cue to roll tape of women stampeding down a corridor to get their claws on some gowns. Dayanna says it was difficult to choose a dress from ugly & uglier. Now you know how Evan felt faced with his bevy of fuglies. Dayanna is shown wearing the hussy uniform of teeny tiny shorts and teenier tinier top while claiming to like 'unique clothes.' Daddy has spoiled her rotten, she says, so her secret has to be that she is a professional "Daddy's girl." No way that guy is her dad!

Commercials. As is customary with 2-hour reality show finales, after a 20 minute chunk of show, ad breaks occur at least every 10 minutes.

We return for a montage of every time a girl said the word "fairytale." Fairytale x 250. It's much funnier to see than to recap.

Paul is back, a-swirlin' and a-promisin' the revelation of a night-time: "Do they like his money or are they in it for meaningful reasons such as they like his hot bod?" Damn, Paul, you stole my thought!

Soon We'll Learn Who Evan Picks, But First, A Snob & Two Whores

These three girls lasted long enough that we got to know them a lot better, more's the pity.

Alison says, "It all went terribly wrong." Here's a montage of Alison looking bored, fed-up, bored, fed-up, bored, boring, and taking it all in. Here are Alison and Evan sharing uncomfortable date after uncomfortable date. The mystery of Alison is why the 27 year old graphic design specialist was unhappy to be the first of the final 5 to get tossed, given her desire for someone with a bit of "rico suave." If there are two things Evan is not, it's rich and debonaire.

Alison will dance with anything, according to the footage, except Evan. She experienced her worst nightmare dining with Evan. "Goat cheese! "Who doesn't eat goat cheese?" No amount of money in the world would make her want to date Evan. Makes ya wonder why she signed up for the show.

Mojo. What is it about her smile, her face, her eyes, that is so repulsive? She's not really ugly, she just personifies "shabby chic." Screen says Loan Officer; that skimpy red top 2 sizes too small says "body to lend." Evan tells us (again) that the first thing that caught his eye was a girl (Mojo) wearing a cowboy hat. Evan got caught in the eye more than once with Mojo's hats.

5 people went on Mojo's trainwreck of a group date, and Mojo did the talking for all of them. She began with the day of her conception and took them all the way through to her quandary as to which hat to wear on the date.

Mojo is shown driving as she listens to a radio show during which people call in to diss her. What kind of a trainwreck personality allows it to be filmed? Mojo redefines gold-digger as "not a girl who wants to be with a man who is financially secure." She wants a lot more from her man than just what can be gotten in the bedroom or the woods. Hey, she said it.

Mojo's secret is she's delusional. She still thinks Evan was an idiot for letting her slip through, when she was "there for love." Yeah, self-love. If she were more self-absorbed, she'd have turned into a roll of "Bounty" and mopped herself til there was nothing left. I think Evan got away cheaply with the hat-related injuries.

Melissa loves surprises. Her favourite expression is Oh My God, so the cute editors made a montage of every OMG, along with variations like "oh my gosh" and "oh my gaw.." ROFL to hear; to recap, not so much.

There isn't a whole lot to Melissa. She gave a variety of reasons for going on the show, which all sound kind of the same: test herself, do something different, make new friends, do amazing different things, go to the Eiffel Tower. Melissa is mundane and yet she is the one who told Evan the bald-faced truth.

"You're an amazing secretkeeper ...You're such an average person, you don't seem like you have a lot on your mind." They seem an amazing match, especially as we're re-shown Evan's peabrain working overtime trying to figure out if she meant it as insult or compliment.

Melissa is a squealer. Here she is on the couch and squirming around. Silvergirl put it so well, "Apparently she is having problems assuming the mercenary position."

She says the kitchen date was the most natural and fun part of being with Evan. Although she doesn't do dishes or cook, in her fantasy world she brings a lot to the table. She does look like the sort who will balloon up after popping out a kid. Do you think that's what she means by "bringing a lot to the table"? Ad break.

Evan Picks Tonight!! But First, Heinous Heidi Gets Her Own Segment

Heidi's bit was sandwiched between two ad breaks, probably because none of the others wanted to occupy the same show segment. She mutters vaguely foreign non-sequiturs in a bitchy way.

Heidi says she's no money-grubber, then she's shown demanding her "stipend." It's no secret she's assertive and aggressive and has been that way since birth. Girls don't like her, she says. I think boys are afraid of her.

Heidi says grabbing 2 gowns was being 'focussed' on getting a gown; she fails to see it as rude. Everything the other girls do is "childish." Heidi thinks maybe she's scary. I think she may be psychotic, although not delusionally so.

Heidi's boyfriend Joe TwoFiddy makes an appearance, probably because Heidi threatened him if he didn't talk nice about her and how great she is. He speaks as if reciting from memory. She's um passionate and um strong, oh and got a great body, she's like a stripper. We see the footage of her working out on her pole. Yes, I see the resemblance to a stripper.

Joe $2.50 says he let her go on the show because he's not afraid of competition. (Like I said, I think he's afraid of her.) Heidi says she wears the trousers in the relationship, but she makes him think he does. I think he was praying she'd win just to offload her. Or maybe he was looking forward to a threesome with Evan.

Zora or Sarah? But First: JoeEvan's Story

After another ad set (yes it was only 5 minutes that time) Paul intros a segment on JoeEvan himself. So he is one of the ladies? That's what this first hour was supposed to be about - the LADIES of Joe Millionaire.

Evan's segment begins with a montage of champagne corks popping. I think this is a shout-out to Bebo: "Now, my idea of a wine exercise is: open a bottle of wine, drink, repeat." Evan says, "If I never see another glass of champagne it will be too soon." Haha. Hoho. What a liar.

Joe/Evan tells us about his Norman Rockwell/Leave it to Beaver childhood. His parents Charlotte & Hank throw in their two cents. Evan's drive to have kids comes from his great wonderful upbringing.The folks are shown speaking on the phone; it sounds like they must be talking to Evan. I find it funny that they didn't show him talking to them. Maybe he looks stupid holding a phone.

Actually, Fester did a fabulous job of describing The Dumbness of Evan: "During his date with Zzzzora, he let slip that he was driving a bulldozer 2 weeks ago – errr 2 years ago. You see he’s new to this whole “time” thing.
...Evan does a quick inventory of his belongings and checks to make sure Paul has written his name in his undies (in the back, of course, so he knows which way to put them on). ...Evan felt like a millionaire for 1 minute, which is 1 minute longer than anyone with a functioning brain stem would believe that this clown actually has that kind of coin."

Too bad they didn't really show that. Or did they?

Evan's life story from his days as a kid through junior high, military school, and modelling days are all shlepped out for our edification. When Evan picked up a dumbbell at military school, he was hooked. Was he hit on the head with the thing? Some of the dumbness definitely rubbed off.

Buff Evan in Paris was approached by a photographer to be a model. Like, approached on the street? That's the impression I got. The infamous underwear shots flash onscreen, in case anyone aware of the show somehow missed them. Evan didn't like modelling at all, so he got back into his first love - construction, er, dirt moving. Oh I get it - modelling wasn't dumb enough.

Three of Joe's pals were plied with booze to get them to loosen up and talk. They provide references as to how great he is. Thomas is a side of unbuffed beef whose job is to reiterate that Evan has not previously lied to women. Thomas recounts an anecdote with the punchline "Evan said there is NO way he would lie to a woman." Credit to Joe/Evan: he hasn't lied about the fact that he used to drive a bulldozer, he just fudged a wee bit on when the last time was that he did it to put a roof over his head and hamburgers in his gob.

Speaking of burgers in his gob, pal Stephan assures us that Evan has totally been Evan. Evan apparently does away with cutlery faster than you can say "Whoosh whoosh." Here's a visual of Evan stuffing his face with a burger using both hands, then wiping greasy fingers all over his clothes. Suave, or what?

Erik may have been included simply to show that Evan has a 'group' of friends. Trouble is, Erik's comments add little of value to the "total picture of Evan." Who cares that Evan will obssess over something until it's resolved? Does it rock your world that Erik thinks Evan was genuinely looking for love? Apart from psychopathic maniacs, who ISN'T looking for love?

And how come none of Evan's pals is buff? They look like good drinking pals, ready for late-night pizza while ogling women, but not much more. Then again, this is EVAN we're talking about here.

Ad time. Holee, they've gone berserk with the ads. Paul welcomes us back.

Is it True Love? First, A Look Closer at the Finalists

Sarah is described as a sophisticated girl with sexy charm from a tiny town in Penn State. She says she was "independent" but not "crazy rebellious." Shown with her clique of friends, I note that she is the prettiest, but it hardly means much given those dogs. Since moving to L.A., she's hooked up with prettier friends, one of whom is responsible for Sarah's appearance on this show.

When Sarah first saw Evan, she thought, "He's tall, he's dark, he's handsome." Too bad it was hard to tell whether he's stupid. Seems to me Sarah's "independence" is slipping. She debunks the myth that good girls don't kiss & tell, by lying to us that the truth is 'not much' happened in the woods.

Sarah's a kinky damsel (and that must be what Voice-over guy said; those just aren't the words *I* would have chosen to describe her - maybe "slut in lady's clothing?")

The whole foot binding fetish modelling gig is carted out and cast in sympathetic tones. She "had" to do it to pay those gosh-darned school loans. For some reason, Mojo gets to comment that she "finds it to be a surprise." Yeah, but when it comes to nutbars, you're in a league of your own, Moje.

Sarah noticed that Evan really showed interest in her, but Zora bursts that self-important bubble by pointing out how adept Evan is at making each girl feel special.

Paul's appearance signifies another 10 minutes gone. "Well, Sarah is not out of the woods yet," Paul pauses for laughter.

How Much Longer Til We Find Out? First, Zzzora...

Zora, the HorseWhisperer. Zora's montage is her jumping up and down to keep warm, interspersed with her kissing a horse on the lips. Now we know why she wouldn't kiss Evan: she didn't want to two-time the horse. Zora looks a bit of a dweeb but that's what got half of us convinced she is Perfect for Evan. Total nerd or adorable simpleton? Zora thinks she's met the prince for the trip and camera cuts to ... the horse. Total simpleton.

On an even Closer Look at Zora, we learn that she often felt out of her element on the show because she's from 'extreme poverty.' She's from Lambertville and is a non-smoker. Like we didn't know. Her pals include a 10 year old kid named Holly, a Marcy and David, the Mayor of Lambertville. Zora currently works as a substitute teacher and looks after the elderly, which she calls "her heart work." It's just so Disney-dreams-come true.

Just before leaving for the show, she didn't have money to pay for heat so warmed her apartment by turning on the oven, very nearly burning her trailer down. Although Zora loved the necklaces, she considered selling the first one to help her aunt with medical care. Her references say she's very nice, very real, the greatest, a miracle of a person, etc., etc. Treacle, thy name is Zora. The whole town of Lambertville, all 12, turns out to cheer for Zora.

Zora's heartbreaking story only took 5 minutes. Are we going to have ads every 5 minutes for the next hour? Arrggh.

to be continued ... in the next post! I mean a new thread!!
ClickMe It wouldn't all fit in here! Sorry for the length...