I was wondering what they might have to do to improve matters this season. I mean, let’s be honest here, last season, FLOM was one letter away from being a FLOP. And first season, FLOM was one letter away from being like FLO from the Amazing Race.

Let’s meet the girls, shall we? Here is a link to our photo gallery, so you can see what these women look like. Here

The first girl is 24 year-old Jamie. She is an assistant buyer from Buck’s County, Pennsylvania. In her bio on the NBC website, she thinks it is difficult to meet that special someone because she has an extremely busy lifestyle with her school and her “business.” All work and no play, huh? Which of you guys want to help Jamie out with her little problem here? Take a number, guys.

Next up, Lauren. She is 24 years-old and hails from Winchester, Massachusetts as an Administrative Assistant. She claims that guys are intimidated by her because she went to Harvard. On a vacation trip, Lauren? C'mon, you know I had to ask, considering her vocation is listed as an Administrative Assistant. Don’t get me wrong, many days I think it would have been easier for my Executive Assistant to graduate from Harvard than to put up with me and my requests! And don't ask me to compare and contrast her respective value with that of my Harvard-educated Analyst. I have nothing but the highest of respect for Adminstrative Assistants, but a Harvard education is rarely a prerequisite for this profession.

Moving along to Leslie from Boca Raton, Florida. She is an Event Planner. Hands up, everyone! Who thinks that means wedding planner? J Lo has proved to us, time and time again, why men really need to stay far, far away from Wedding Planners. Oh, and she is 24 years-old also.

Monica thinks that her age shouldn’t be a factor, because she feels very mature. Although she is young, she has lived the life of a 30 year-old. OK, tramp, thanks for sharing. She is a 21 year-old student from Pueblo, Colorado.

Now we are introduced to 26 year-old Rachel, a flight attendant from Chicago, Illinois, who apparently thinks she is pretty good in bed. She must be a charter member of the Mile High Club. Rachel thinks she is funny. So do we. And not in a good way.

Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. That’s my first impression of Meredith. She is the only girl with short hair, and seems to have a really spunky personality. She is from Dallas, Texas and works as a Branch Manager. According to her bio on NBC, she thinks it is difficult to meet someone because Jerry Seinfeld is married already and Mr. Right never seems to be at the bar she is at. Honey, this is NBC. I very much doubt he is on this show, either.

The girl following Meredith was Rebekah. Rebekah is a 23 year-old bartender from West Palm Beach, Florida. She describes herself as a “go-getter.” For some reason, the moment I see her, I start having flashbacks to Coyote Ugly. I can totally picture Rebekah dancing on the bar. Not coincidentally, so can the guys I’m watching the show with. We muse as to whether we have been to the bar where she bartends.

Melayne is 23 years-old, a Communications Specialist from Mesa, Arizona. As on all reality shows, there must be one woman that is a virgin. After all, you can’t expect NBC to find 16 women wanting to be on this dating show, looking good in the hot tub, and clean of all transmittable diseases without hitting up the virgin population. Melayne thinks it is difficult to meet someone because she is too picky. I really think that Melayne is miscast on this show. NBC should have used picky Melayne to help them select the eligible bachelor for this television series. But, I digress and get ahead of myself.

And then, we meet Pilates Instructor Beth. Beth is 27 years-old and from Palm Beach Gardens, Florida. Beth shares with us that she is always the other woman. On her NBC bio, she claims that it is difficult to meet someone because, well basically, she is too lazy to get out and meet people. Ummm…this girl needs help on how to present herself. Can this girl shoot herself in the foot any further? She and Monica need to hang out together, maybe take some classes on how to present themselves better to people that they haven’t met yet.

I was so relieved when Tiniesha was next up. I had been holding my breath, in anticipation of someone that had some sort of diverse ethnicity that is required on these shows. Tiniesha is 24 years-old, a paralegal from Pennsauken, New Jersey. She claims that she is the total package.

We then get to be introduced to Heather. Heather is 33 years-old and is a Government Clerk in Lancaster, Pennsylvania. Let me quote from her bio on the NBC website on the question as to why she thinks it’s so difficult to meet that special someone.

Not many guys out there like cats and I have three! There are many reasons why it's so difficult to meet that special someone. For me, it's hard partly because of the town I currently live in. There aren't many places to go to meet eligible singles my age. Another reason is that when I do go out with friends, I rarely get approached. My male friends have told me that most guys won't approach a woman they think is attractive because they're intimidated and they fear rejection. I find this ridiculous because I am the most approachable person! I will talk to anyone who comes up to me because I think it takes a lot of guts to just walk up to a stranger and say "hi". It doesn't necessarily mean I'll take a phone number, but at the very least I might have made a new friend. You just never know who you might meet

Hey, Heather, hope Monica, Beth and you like each other, because you all need the same class. I am not going to begin to mock poor Heather. She does it herself…beautifully.

Andrea is next. Andrea is 28 years-old from Marlton, New Jersey. She is also an Event Planner. According to her NBC bio, she is “drawn to someone who is successful on some level and financially stable in his own right, with having said that, wealth does not define who we are...being fortunate should inspire us to appreciate life so much more.” She’s so taking the money.

Step right up and greet Johanna, a 28 year-old Yoga Instructor from Phoenix, Arizona. She emphasizes that she is not competitive. Sweetie, I think you may be in the wrong place. If you want to be the yoga instructor to help soothe the nerves of the girls on the show, you needed to come on Thursday. Today is the day we are casting a group of girls to actually compete for the affections of some bachelor.

Let’s get to know Melody, a 22 year-old Advertising Account Manager from Pasadena, Texas. According to her NBC bio, she thinks it will be a time consuming task to sift through everyone to find a special someone. Psst…Melody…methinks that you are starting from too large of a sample size. There are 6 billion people on this earth, and although slightly less than half of them are men, maybe you can eliminate those who you aren’t likely to meet, and just start with the people you know.

Ali says just about the funniest quote in this whole, long boring introductory spiel. She says that in her experience, involving other women when you are interested in a guy has never been a good thing. It naturally begs the question as to how much experience she has had involving other women. Wink, wink, nudge, nudge, say no more. Hey Monica, Heather & Beth, is there any room in that class for another participant? Ali is 24 years old, from Santa Monica, California. Her listed occupation is Business Development/Philanthropy.

Last, but definitely not least, we meet PJ. She’s 24 years-old, from Rockwell, Texas, and works as an Assistant Media Buyer. She’s going full-out fever on this show. Good thing she is last, because she is really the most difficult woman for me to mock. I hope she doesn’t stick around long.

Enter the host of the show, Jordan Murphy.

Leslie: I actually know who he is. No one else did. We were on For Love or Money.

Girls excitedly cheer.

So, fast forward through the crap, the getting ready scene, the yackity, yack, yack, yack (or as another summary writer might say “brak, brak, brak…) and get to the good stuff. Ordinarily on FLOP, I would then begin to describe the closing credits.

However, this season starts out with a twist that I am totally in favor of…blank checks. Throwing the blank check twist in is the only way to keep this remotely entertaining. Some are playing for $1,000,000 and some are playing for $1.00. (NBC Budget Tip #1) Jordan: The *only* way that you can find out what your check is worth is through their elimination or at the end, when you choose between the man and the money. You can’t have both. Unless of course, we make it like Joe Millionaire at the end, but that all depends on how much money we save during this production. What is the price of love? Will you break this guy’s heart for a check you don’t know the value of?

Tig_ger: Absolutely. I’ll take my chances. Let us be clear. I enjoy watching “chick flicks” just as much as the next girl. I am a hopeless romantic. However, you can *bet* that I would take the money. No Vegas odds on that decision tree, my friends. I don’t care if it is Viggo Mortensen or Brad Pitt or my dearest husband. Frankly, there is a 100% chance that things will work out well between me and the money, and a good chance I’ll have more than $1. There is a slim to no chance that things will work out well between me and any DAW who I meet on a television show.

By the way, the only other interesting thing of note is that some fortunate future summary writer (perhaps next week!) is going to get to describe a cat fight between Rachel and Andrea, who have become roommates.

Rachel: I’m totally not into guys with money. You don’t sleep with the guy’s money, you sleep with him. I don’t mind sleeping in a cardboard box with the guy that I love. Oh, wait maybe I do. I get so confused. Well, if you get a guy properly distracted, you could lift his wallet. Then the guy you are sleeping with has no money, but you do. What a turn on.

Monica: I can do a lot more with love than she can with a million dollars. I just bet you can, Monica. Heh-heh-heh. Tramp.

Andrea: I need to think of a game plan for the Bachelor. I hate to break it to you, Andrea, but wrong show! You’re on FLOM, remember?

We then get introduced to Preston. Preston is 25 years old (no wonder all the women on this show were so freaking young) and from Denver, Colorado. He’s into real estate and started his own company. It sounds like he does refinancing. No wonder he went on this show. As interest rates rise, the refinancing market will not be as strong, and Preston darling will be out of a job. Hopefully, he made enough money off “helping other people” so that he can afford all of his inexpensive little pastimes. He skis, he golfs (single digit handicap, insert eye roll), he’s a fly fisher, he’s really close to his mommy and his daddy and he’s got a bunch of buddies. His mommy is German and his daddy is half Japanese, so although Tiniesha is the only girl that looks ethnic on this show, that’s OK, because Preston can count as a minority as well.

There’s a second, fake host of the game to meet Preston, because the ruse would be up if Preston knew Jordan was on set. Everyone remembers who the hosts of these shows are and which shows they go with. (/sarcasm)

I won’t bore you with all of the meetings of the girls, because frankly, this part is dreadful. Here are the highlights:

 PJ is first and she later calls him her Precious Preston. Say that three times fast.
 Monica tells us that this is the first ring she has ever received from a guy. She thinks this is the fairy tale love story. She needs to get out more. And she thinks she’s lived the life of a 30 year-old???
 We find out Jamie is an assistant buyer is for a lingerie store.
 Ali wears a dress the color of bran. Since she is in Business Development, you can’t help but think what she is trying to sell here.
 Heather, proving again her need for her cotillion courses, immediately asks Preston his age, and then tells him that she is 33, in a very disapproving way. She is immediately defeated.
 Andrea thinks he could be worth a million dollars, but wonders what he thinks she is worth

Highlights from The Morning After:

Preston surprises them by showing up for breakfast. Preston is supposed to help cook the meal (NBC Budget Tip #2) Fourteen of the sixteen girls mob Preston, while Heather cries to Ali about how old and pathetic she is upstairs. Somehow, none of the girls consider letting them know that Preston is here.

Heather: I knew it was a competition, but I didn’t know it was a game. I don’t play games. Even if I were attracted to him, I don’t want to play. This was my *one* chance. And now it’s over. I’ll never meet anyone. I’m going to be an old maid. (*wails inconsolably*) Apparently, there aren’t any other single men anywhere on the planet, because if there were they would be so into her. People are generally attracted to those with defeatist attitudes. I personally find it a complete turn on.

It is a dark and stormy night, the first elimination. He eliminates Johanna for not being aggressive, Beth because he didn’t get to know her well and has no connection, Heather for not being open, Meredith because he could definitely see them hanging out together as friends only, and Lauren and Melody because he had no chemistry with them.

The blank checks were worth:

 Johanna – $1,000,000
 Beth – $250,000
 Heather – $100,000
 Meredith – $1
 Lauren – $500,000
 Melody – $50,000

Host #2: Preston, there is someone you haven’t met?

Preston: (*speculating*) I hope it isn’t my ex-girlfriend. We left on terrible terms. I wanted to do this television show and she said, “No way.”

He goes into the vault room and the scene plays out like a B-list movie. Cue some cheesy music and we’ve got ourselves some great script.

Jordan: Hello Preston.
Preston: Hello.
Jordan: I’m Jordan Murphy.
Preston: Nice to meet you. (I have no idea who the eff you are.)
Jordan: Have a seat.
Preston: Thank you. (Why am I here?)
Voice over save by Preston: When I saw Jordan Murphy, I smiled. I thought I’m here for a roller coaster. I wasn’t sure but there was another element to the game.

Jordan: The women are not here for love; they are here for love or money?

The women are worth:

 Ali – $1,000,000
 Jamie – $250,000
 Rebekah – $1
 PJ – $50,000
 Tiniesha – $1,000,000
 Leslie – $1,000,000
 Monica – $1
 Andrea – $500,000
 Melayne – $100,000
 Rachel – $1

Jordan: If you pick her, she gets to choose whether she wants you or the money. If she picks you, than you get her money.

Preston: I have the advantage because I know there is money and I know how much. The decision will be mine. Firstly, the decision is not yours. She has to pick you first, you conceited pig. That doesn’t happen automatically. Shall we go over the rules one more time? Oh, no matter, who wants to bet how long this set of rules last? Oh, the twists and turns of reality television.

The Next Morning After:

Jordan: In front of you are ten boxes. Pass them out. There will be two group dates. However, three women will not be going on the group dates, and someone in the room will pick who is staying home. Whoever has the silver heart will decide.

Rebekah gets the silver heart. She starts to cry the biggest fakest crocodile tears that I have ever seen and wails, “Do I have to choose now?” The fake waterworks are most impressive, but my five year-old niece totally has Rebekah beat.

She picks Leslie because she got to talk with him yesterday, Jamie because she is so cute, and Rachel, for no specific reason.

Jordan: Hey, you three rejects, this may have just backfired on Rebekah. You see, the three of you have to write a sappy a$$ poem. Preston will pick his favorite and you two will have the first solo date. We’ll even throw in dinner.

Cat fight!

Rachel: I didn’t mind that you picked me, but I got my feelings hurt because you get answers as to why you picked me. Tell me, why did you pick me?

Rebekah: Do you want me to lie to you? I don’t know why I picked you.

Other girls: Shut up, Rachel.

Rachel: This is between me & Rebekah. I mean, I said it loudly enough for people three states over to hear, but still the only person to respond to this should be Rebekah. (*goes up to room to sulk*)

Rachel: I feel bad. Everyone hates me. I need affirmation and nobody is giving it to me. I will take it out on the guy in this game because I’m totally fair and stuff like that.

NBC Budget Tip #3: Cycling Date

Instead of actually paying for them to go somewhere, NBC sets up stationary cycling bikes in the yard and PJ, Melayne, Ali and Tiniesha get to cycle with Preston. PJ hurries to get ready and has a little opportunity to chat with Preston.

Preston: They have no idea that I know, but I don’t feel guilty. They didn’t feel guilty about deceiving me so I don’t have a moment’s remorse for them.

The date is as boring as it sounds. My favorite part is when Preston struggles to take off his jacket.

Girls: Take it off.

Preston: (*taking off his jacket*) Yeah, I’m cold. Or hot. Or flustered.

They make shakes in the kitchen and Preston picks PJ to come and spend a moment with him because the few moments before the rest of the girls come out wasn’t enough.

PJ: (*pulling the innocent card*) I’ve lived a quiet sheltered life. I want to get outside my little bubble. Won’t you show me everything you’ve experienced, you man-of-the-world?

Preston: Are you close to your family? (I can show you what a sensitive guy I am.)

PJ: Yes. What about you? Are you a mama’s boy or what?

Preston: Yes. I’m totally a mama’s boy.

Preston DR: I like PJ, but she’s only worth $50,000.

PJ DR: I have a crush on Preston.

At breakfast, the girls find out that three of the remaining girls have a check for $1 million.

Rachel: Andrea makes me sick. You know this blow out between Rachel & Andrea better be good.

NBC Budget Tip #4: Adventure Plex

This time it is Rebekah, Monica and Andrea and they get to go play basketball. NBC sprung for some sexy uniforms, but only Andrea will wear the one showing midriff. Preston decides that the women who makes the first basket will get the alone time with him. Rebekah makes the first basket.

Preston: I was so disappointed, because I was totally going to eliminate her. She’s only worth $1.00 but she’ll make you feel like $1 million.

On the car ride back, the girls try to flirt with Preston. Try, being the operative word for Monica.

Monica: I can put my legs behind my head. I can make a pretzel out of my body. Oh.my.god. And this girl thinks she’s mature.

Time for the poetry reading

Preston: I hope it is Jamie. She’s beautiful and I haven’t spent any time together with her. I haven’t even got to see her lingerie yet.

The poem went something like this:

Roses are red, Violets or blue, Pick this poem, and I’ll wear my lingerie for you. Jamie and Preston sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-NG.

Preston: I’ll take that poem.

Rachel: Oh, that’s mine.

OK, the poem didn’t go like that, but trust me; the poetry wasn’t that much better.

They go to Paradise Cove (Budget Tip # 5 – the beach is always free).

Rachel: I’m not screwing up my chance for money. Oh, Preston, when I first saw you I was so attracted to you; your lips, your teeth, your eyes.

Preston: This girl really likes me. The emotions felt so real. I just had to kiss her. I heard the sea creatures’ band singing “Kiss the Girl” just like it was in The Little Mermaid.

Rachel: This was so smart on my part. I have to make him fall for me. There’s money there. Even if it is $1.00, that is right in line with my standard hourly rate. I’ll lead him to believe I was way more into him.

Preston: The emotions seemed real. But, then again, I get confused over details such as whether it is hot or cold, so I could be wrong.

Rachel: (*coyly*) Can I lie to the girls about kissing you? I don’t want to tell them.

Preston: (*making the one Intelligent Observation of this episode*) If she can lie to them, she can lie to me.

In the meantime, the girls are discussing how Rachel wanted to pawn the ring that Preston gave them all.

After the Date:

Girls: How did the date go? Tell us how incompatible you guys are now. We hate you.

Rachel: Well, I am totally playing him because I am powerless to make you guys like me. You know how I said I wanted to kiss him. Well, we didn’t. It was too soon. We held hands. We did not kiss. It was too soon. Never mind that I usually meet men on my plane and initiate them into the Mile High Club in flight. It was an uneventful date. I’m not a threat. You are getting sleepy…

Rings Ceremony:

Preston: I picked the women who I could fall in love with or could fall in love with me. Now, that’s no fun. Are you going to eliminate them all, Preston? This show is supposed to go on for several more episodes. Oh, the women you can fall in love with too! Phew!

PJ DR: It’s harder to find the man of my dreams than make a million dollars. I would so take Preston. Hey PJ, being that you have done neither yet, let me tell you something. It is most definitely easier to find the man of your dreams. How about you give me the million dollars, and I will locate the man of your dreams for you?

Rachel DR: I would have been ecstatic if I could have met my dream man. Since I’m probably not going to do that, I’m ecstatic about the $1 million dollars. You know you are so pulling for Rachel, because when she finds out she only gets $1, it will be one of the best nuclear meltdowns in television history.

Preston eliminates: Melayne, because they did not spend enough time together, Leslie, because he feels like their conversation is awkward, Tiniesha, just because he is limited on what to go off of and Monica because she will make someone else very happy.

Monica: You are going to regret asking for your ring back. I had strong feelings and I don’t feel like you were being honest and sincere with me. I just want to stay and get to know you. When you do, you will like me. Did I mention that I can put my legs behind my head? What the heck is this girl thinking? She is the last girl. What is he going to say? Maybe “OK, Monica, you’ve convinced me. You can stay. Hey Rebekah, you have to leave tonight.”

Preston: She went down fighting. It was like breaking up with a girlfriend. OK, so now I *really* want to meet Preston’s ex-girlfriends. There’s a story there, for sure!

Next week: Jordan reveals a secret, PJ gets to see how much her check is worth and has the opportunity to switch checks (breaking the rule that fire is the life, and once fire is extinguished, that player will no longer be in the game the ladies can only discover the amount on their checks upon elimination or at the end after they have picked between love or money), and much more. See the thread on the spoilers for next week.

Slice and Dice Chop Shop 2004