MondayDear Diary,
I woke up this morning and I just couldn’t figure out what I wanted to wear! I mean, I’ve already worn my red, orange, yellow, green, blue, purple, light pink, and hot pink velour sweatsuits! I didn’t hardly pack anything else! Then I remembered that I forgot about my favorite t-shirt! I saw this shirt in the store and I swear, it’s like they made it just for me! How cute is this? It says “Gold-Digger… Like A Hooker, but Smarter” Isn’t that a hoot? I am so cute. I decided to wear my tiara today too. I needed to show these little princesses who the real queen is around here! Could I be any cuter?
So, this afternoon that host guy called us all down into the living room. You know, he’s actually kinda cute. I think I’ll get his digits, just in case this whole Jesse thing doesn’t pan out. Anyhow, he told us that this week there would be 3 individual dates and 1 group date with the 3 other losers, and the person who would be deciding who got which dates is one of Jesse’s closest friends. I was just hoping that it would be a guy so that I could manipulate him into giving me the best date, but unfortunately Chris said that it was a woman who had gone to college with Jesse, and is now married to his best friend. I wonder if his best friend is hot? So, this woman came in and we were all shocked. I couldn’t believe it! It was that stupid cow Jenny! I can’t believe she deceived us like that! I’m sure she told Jesse everything about me! What am I going to do? I am seriously f’ed. That stupid meddling cow! She came in all teary-eyed and apologetic and told us all how much she loves us and how we are all her friends and she hated lying to us. What-ever! I can’t believe the rest of those nitwits believed her! They were all hugging each other and crying and carrying on. It made me want to vomit. Then she told us that she’s had the opportunity to talk to Jesse 3 times so far, and told him who to look out for. I am seriously f’ed. Mandy Jaye opened her big trap and said “I’m never playing the ‘I Never’ game again, huh Trish?” and she condescendingly patted my leg. I swear, if that ##### ever touches me again I’m going to rip her frigging hand off. I don’t really think I said anything that awful during the ‘I Never’ game! All I said was that I’ve slept with 30-35 men, only one of them was married, I’ve had 3-somes, and been with girls. What’s the big deal? These little prissy girls make me sick. I mean, grow up!
Later in the day the first date box showed up for Jessica. It said, “Tonight I’ll make a few passes if you’ll wear my jacket and be my girl.” I was actually kind of relieved. I hate football and I am so sick of hearing about it! That’s all this guy talks about. Plus, I wouldn’t want to get dirty or break a nail tossing some stupid ball around. I need to be wined and dined and given expensive gifts! That’s what I deserve and I won’t settle for anything less!
When Jesse came to pick up Jessica, I made sure that I was the one who answered the door. Yeah, I had to knock a few of the other girls down to get there, but it’s not like I really hurt them. Bruises heal- get over it! Jesse talked to us for a few minutes when he first came in about the whole Jenny situation. He just said that he knows that we might be a little hurt and confused, but he wants us to know that he is very serious about finding the perfect girl and that’s why he brought her. Now that I’ve had some time to recover from the shock of the fact that Jenny was a spy I’m not so worried. I’ve got Jesse wrapped around my little finger, much more than Jenny does. I think I’ll be alright and get a rose this next ceremony even though realistically I don’t think I will be getting a 1-on-1 date because of that meddling cow.
While Jessica was on her date, another date box arrived, this one was for Mandy Jaye. I guess they’re going sailing or something. That’s fine with me. I hope she gets sick and barfs all over the place. It would serve her right for that little comment she made earlier.
When Jessica came back from her date she told us how they went to the Rose Bowl and had the stadium all to themselves. They had a little picnic in the center of the field and Jesse taught her how to throw the ball so they played catch. Wow, how romantic. I am so glad I didn’t get that date, I would have broken a nail for sure. Then I guess this marching band came out on to the field and played a song for them and they formed a heart around Jesse and Jessica with an arrow going through the center of it. She was just going on and on about how it was so cute, and so romantic, and blah blah blah. It sounds completely lame to me. Then she said they made out for a while, but I bet she didn’t even get to 3rd base with him. I always get to 3rd base on a first date, at least! She is such a child though.
Tuesday
Dear Diary,
Jesse came to pick up Mandy Jaye for their date today and I made sure that I answered the door again. Little Suzie got in my way though, so I had to rough her up a little. Hey, broken bones heal- get over it! Before she left, MJ was telling us how she is afraid of the water and doesn’t like boats. Ha! Maybe my wish will come true after all!
The date box for the group date came this afternoon. Surprise, surprise- I’m on it. Karen and Suzie are on it also. The invitation said, “Let’s head out on an exotic adventure and see what the future holds.” There was a little stuffed elephant in the box too. Great. I thought the Rose Bowl date was bad? Now I’m going to have to spend the day around some big smelly animal? I get enough of that living in this house with these hippos. Ew. I hope I don’t have to touch it, I might like seriously vomit.
Karen was really upset about not getting an individual date. She’s the only one who hasn’t had a 1-on-1 date out of the 6 of us. She basically has no chance of getting a rose now! 1 down, 4 to go. Anyhow, she was crying and really bummed out so I figured, since she’s not competition anymore, that I would try and show a softer side to myself by comforting her. It felt very strange. I’ve never really done that for anyone before, especially not a girl. Sometimes I will comfort a guy who has just broken up with his girlfriend, but that’s only because I’m trying to seduce him. Most of the time it works! 
After dinner we were all sitting around the kitchen talking and all of the girls started asking me all these questions. I felt like I was under attack! Even Karen, whom I had just let cry and slobber all over my shoulder. That’s the last time I try to be nice to some chick when it doesn’t benefit me in any way. I am so sick of defending myself to these little girls! Karen had the nerve to ask me if I could ever fall in love and get married to a poor guy. Hello?! Of course not! Why would I want to fall in love with some bum? I am fabulous and the guy that I marry is going to be rich fabulous, too. Why should I settle for anything less?
Mandy Jaye just got back from her date. They went on a huge yacht and had a candlelit dinner and went hot-tubbing. She was droning on and on about how great it was. They even went to the front of the boat and did the “Titanic- I’m the king of the world” bit. Puh-lease! I don’t think I can stand anymore of this cheese fest. I tried to spice it up and asked how far she got with Jesse, but all she said was that they shared some intimate kisses. Amateur.
Before we went to bed Karen was telling me that she thinks I need to talk to Jesse about what Jenny might have told him about me. Duh moron, like I don’t already know that! These girls get dumber and dumber the more I talk to them. Luckily for me, no one talks to me very much.
Wednesday
Dear Diary,
I woke up today feeling very angry. I am so mad at Jenny, I just know she sold me out to Jesse. Now I am going to have to spend my whole date with him cleaning up whatever mess she might have made.
I let Tara answer the door today because I had to be the last one down so I could make the best entrance. They were only waiting like 40 minutes for me to come down- get over it! When we arrived at the date, which was some ugly, smelly tent, Jesse dove right in to talking to us about the Jenny thing again. Except he was saying the exact same things as he did before! “I’m sure you’re confused, blah blah blah, I did it for the right reasons, brak brak brak.” I was sick of listening to him, so I interrupted him and asked if we could go somewhere to talk. I tried to play it off as diplomatically as I could. I told him that I have done some things in my life that I am not proud of, but they are all in the past and I asked him if he had any questions for me. Of course he asks me about that married guy right off the bat. I should smack the crap out of Jenny! I figured I shouldn’t try to talk my way out of this one, so I told him the truth. Yes, I slept with a married man, even though I knew he was married at the time. Then he asked me how I dealt with it when the guys wife walked in on us. I kinda lost it for a second here and told him how pissed I was at how these girls are spreading lies about me and I end up having to clean up all the messes they’ve made. Hello!? The time I got walked in on during sex wasn’t even with the married guy! It was in college and it was just the guy’s girlfriend, not his wife! It wasn’t a big deal, broken hearts heal- get over it! I figured in order to save myself now, I needed to call upon that little thing that no man can resist- tears. I cried about how those things were in the past and I’m a different person now. He must have totally bought it because we started making out. I am the Puppetmaster!
He spent some alone time with Karen and Suzie too, but I’m sure he didn’t make out with either of them. How gross would that be? Oh well, even if he did, I got to him first.
When Jesse dropped us off at the house, I knew that I had to have the best goodbye in addition to the best entrance, so after he had walked out of the house I chased followed him outside. I told him I just wanted to make sure that things were ok between us and he said that they were. I knew that all the girls would be watching from inside the house, so I gave him a kiss before he finally left. Take that you little ho’s!
Tonight is Tara’s date with Jesse. I am so glad that this is the last night I have to spend in this house. Mandy Jaye, Suzie, Karen and Jessica were all being so immature tonight I could barely stand it. They all got totally wasted on the keg and were falling down, laughing, and carrying on. I don’t understand how girls can have so much fun without a man around. I mean, what’s the point?
Tara just came home, but she didn’t really say much about her date. Just that they went to Jesse’s house and it was decorated with Tara’s favorite flowers, they ate her favorite meal, and had her favorite dessert. Everything was Tara, Tara, Tara. She is so self-absorbed. She wouldn’t tell me how far she got with him, so I’m guessing she barely even made it to 1st. What a loser!
Thursday
Dear Diary,
Tonight is the rose ceremony. I am feeling pretty confident, as usual. I think that Karen is going home for sure, and if I were Jesse, I would send Tara home as well, because obviously she isn’t going to be putting out any time soon! Thank goodness Jenny isn’t going to be there tonight. That cow almost really screwed things up for me. But deep down I know that I can control any man, so I’m not worried.
Well, I was right. I received a rose tonight. You should have seen their faces! Mandy Jaye, Jessica, and Tara got one also. I can’t believe that little skank got a rose! Then, she actually had the nerve to come up to me after the ceremony and tell me that I knew I didn’t deserve to be here. How dare she presume to tell me what I do, or do not know. One thing I know for sure is that she is a spoiled little brat with an ugly heart. She was completely out of line, and she will pay. One way or another, she will pay.
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La Vida es un Tango!
