Bring in the Clones~ The Bachelor ~ Episode Summary
This summary is for the episode aired 11/13/2002
Preview, muched hyped
The women are back, to turn the table on the bachelor and set the record straight!
What did HE do to them? Save them from a doomed relationship?
Premise of the show
Aaron, a hot tub dweller, shacks up with his future wife and the 24 women she will throw back in his face in every argument they have for the rest of their marrried life. (See Eliminadate for Rich Boys With Toys or The 24th Wheel for show listing and details)
Putting a roster together was a feat, since the contestants look like a collective experiment in cloning. Casting department did good with Aaron's wish list with the exception of the token few needed to cover all sectors of the population. The girls were really ....the same. Some attained higher levels of psychosis than others, but very similar types.
Aaron likes blondes or brunettes with religious backgrounds that put emphasis on submission by the female while idolizing her mate, please hold the personality, have some Paxil and get in the hot tub!
The easiest way to categorize the "bachelorettes" was by hair color, one of the few differentiating traits.
Amber, Brooke, Gwen, Heather, Christi, ErinT., Angela
Helene, Dana, Frances, Liangy, Christy, Anindita, Heather C., Lori
The "Only Aaron Knows For Sure" Bunch
Kyla, Merrilee, Suzi, Camille, Erin, Fatima, Hayley, Shannon, Cari, Suzanne
Now out of the 25 we need to point out that Central Casting did a marvellous job of inserting the tokens.
Amindita (token Middle Eastern)
Lori (token African American)
Fatima (token Hispanic with Middle Eastern name)
Frances (token Asian)
Kyla (token virgin)
Quotes from Contestant Profiles, Honest!
To add some spice to a bland show, I added some of the profile comments to the cheat sheets that you can match with their owner:
"I am a good date and a good friend" So is his dog, Hon.
"I am very giving to my partner" or was it partners?
"My personality is fun, kind, honest and spontaneous" A personality! You're outta here!
"I work hard to keep in shape" She's going to take it easy after she's married and put on about 100lbs.
"I say what's on my mind" Yes, and that is not acceptable, but since you are a token we will tolerate it up to the second cut.
"I am smart, outgoing, nice and a good catch" So are trouts.
"I am well rounded, independent and fun" Yawn!
"I am up for anything, I love trying new things" Now that we know your preferences in the bedroom.....
"I hope the bachelor notices my fun spirit and positive energy" Self- help-book-reader hint, she has issues.
For extra points match them with the brides-to-NOT-be
Amber, Fatima, Christy from AZ, Anindita, Dana, Shannon,Hayley, Heather C., Camille.
Bring In The Clones
The clones were all seated in sofas on a leveled stage, 23 ousted from a would have been a perfect relationship. Gwen, the last booted, was still a little pruned from weeks in the hot tub, but on the whole they looked fine for such a bunch of losers.
The audience is comprised of spurned and bitter women, each with a favorite bachelorette! A lesbian convention! If Aaron is the alternative......count me in!
I recommend the following site for this bunch of or any of you who have just been dumped.
Wear your pain proudly, on a tee-shirt
I recommend the "Ignore Me And I'm Yours" tee-shirt for these girls
Bachelorettes! Time for the pledge
They all stand and recite to a picture of Aaron (these girls will do anything in front of a camera!)
Hump me, Dump me
Push me off a wall
Hump me, Dump me
Aaron, make me crawl!
The least forgettable contestant, Christi, is brought onto the hot seat . ABC thinking it would be fun to have these girls relive their pain, shows us their clips from the show. Now WE have to relive the pain! This is starting to feel like cramps, painfully familiar.
First we see Christi's arrival by limo the first night, empty beer cans falling to the ground as the door opens .
Then we see Christi imbibing on the patio.
She was Miss I-DA-ho! That did not fall short on the ears of Suzanne, 33, stewardess from hell. Suzanne's profile quote "I am giving, generous and a good kisser" screams "token slut"!
She repeats to Christi "you were Miss I- DA-HO! U be da ho?
Christi, blank stare at Suzanne, slams down a couple more drinks.
Suzanne laughing hysterically, is carried away "She was da ho!"
Get over it people! It's stewaredess humor and it's funny, otherwise it would not have been edited in! If not for Suzanne there would be no Frequent Flyers miles to be had!
Christi can't believe it all went so wrong. Flashback to the Napa date. She's the only one left at the table. Her plan is working. Now she can guzzle the last of their wine. She doesn't see the glass as half full or half empty. To her it's more like "Are you gonna drink that?"
Flashback to Christy stalking her prey, down a hall, ever so reminissent of a Glen Close moment. It did help that editing subliminally piped in the eerie sound from Psycho in the background.
"Aaron had his tongue in two girls mouths! "Arandata informs us, regarding the Napa date.
At the same time? No, the girls were taking turn with him in the wine cellar until the stalker caught on. If Aaron was a girl we would call him a wh_re or a sl_t. You get extra points for guessing the words.
Don't worry though, Christi 'll be just fine. She gets asked out all the time now! More than before. Yeah, and Kyra is a virgin.
She's glancing at her watch. As a matter of fact, she hopes the taping doesn't run too late, she has to go tie up her new boyfriend and torture him until he proposes.
The Opinion Poll
Who spent most of their time in front of the mirror? "KYLA!" screams out the class, with their excited manicured hands still up in the air.
Kyla is narcissistic. That explains the virginity. No one can do her better than HER!
Who's the biggest camera hog? Hands flying up in the air again. "Pick me! Pick me!" No one gets picked....they should be used to it by now. They make their answer be heard anyhow."Suzanne"! What did you expect with someone with a website address that reads www.hotstewardesses.livewebcams.com?
And who is the biggest gossip? Whispers across the stage from sofa to sofa. "Not I," said the little pigs! All the hoofs are pointed at Heather from Texas. Shock! To her maybe.
Helloooooo! Back to ME please!
So Christi, tell us more about you.
I was "So feeling Aaron" "So in love" "writing in my journal" "wishing I could make Suzanne dissappear".
Christi, tell us why you think it's wrong that Aaron called you a fatal attraction.
"Because I haven't boiled a bunny........YET"
Chris Harrington, cum laude grad from the Jeff Probst school of reality TV show hosts, has Christi escorted back to her sofa.
Heathen's turn. She's tearing up, her bottom lip quivers. Heathen is not emotional, she reassures us. She's weeping. She's pissed because she NEVER loses! She's weeping again but that is so NOT her, she emphasizes. Losing is NOT in her vocabulary. More tears. She could picture the children, the (huge) house, Aaron coaching the soccer team (no wonder AYSO is in trouble), the maids cooking Thanksgiving dinner....more tears. And the big rock on her finger, she thought she had it all sewn up. Someone hand her the Zoloft, PLuuzzz!
Heathen comments on how she cooked to fatten up the other girls so they would not fit in their gowns. Right! Like they don't throw it right up!
She's sounding like Blanche Dubois. It's a tradition from her Miss Texas pageants days, cooking for the girls. There were 78 contestants in the Miss Texas pageant! She cooked to fatten that bunch up. Funny, we never hear about her Miss America days. Did she not get picked? Is this like a flashback? Is she crying because she's going to have to go back to cooking for those little bitches in those damn Miss Texas pageants, who think they're all that and a bag of chips? Is dillusion contageous? Apparently so.
Christi pulls a flask from the sofa and takes a swig. Kyla stares at her reflection in her polished nails. Suzanne says something about opening the car door to turn on the lights after sex. The other 20 give "wallpaper" a new definition: animated.
Studio audience gets to ask intelligent questions to the girls
Audience member, (single since the crack of dawn): "Did you gain a lot of weight while at the house?"
Stage manager screaming: "Wrong Freaking audience! Where's the intelligent audience? Bring me the smart audience!"
Too late! Arnindata comments about Heathen's cooking.
Heathen starts bawling again. Harder. She now has her own props guy mopping up her tear puddles.
Why? Why are you displaying such a lack of emotions, again? asks the confused host.
It's about that nasty comment Arnidata made about her trying to fatten up the others.
I'm confused. Arnindata is confused. Christi reaches underneath the sofa for a half pint of Jack Daniels, swigs it, and sloppily wipes her mouth with sweater sleeve, confused. Kyla is staring at her reflection in her ring, confused as why she is so pretty. Suzanne rubs her forehead to make sure the belt buckle imprint is really gone from there, confused as to how it got there. Heathen is so confusing!
Did Heathen not comment about cooking to fatten up the girls, herself?
Can you say "Hormones on Acid"?
Damn Heathen! She's blowing it for women all over the world! Making us look like irrational , emotional, contradictory messes.
Heathen wants the world to know that the bachelorettes have feelings too, and Aaron did not dump them properly, I guess. I smell a huge "Bachelorettes Have Feelings" movement brewing across the USA.
Nostalgically, I wonder why The Dating Game never got a Grammy.
Commercials, a welcomed break
Some guy is babbling about his DSL connection and how his PC is trying to make contact. For some reason he makes sense.
What is something the contestants' brain has been deprived of? OXYGEN promo. Madonna looks good, I appreciate that mature woman look.
Rick Foxx, from the Lakers, is on a commercial. Don't ask me for what, I just wish he was naked.
They were in love. They went a few romantic dates that most mortals will never even come close to dreaming up. That's if you enjoy a guy sending you a date invitation, along with a dress, and picks you up in a carriage. On his way out he yells out to your wicked step sisters "Hey, DAW! I'll see you tomorrow , wear the black G-string!"
The host asks if she thinks it was because she admitted to a previous marriage. That would be wrong considering the bachelor is doing 25 girls at once, without adding chlorine to the hot tub between dates. She did not want to pressure him. He thought she was not interested because she wasn't screaming "Pick Me! Pick Me!" along with the herd.
The bachelor comes out to meet the firing squad
Christi wants to know why he was saying things about her.
"Specify" he asks
"About ME being a fatal attraction" she shouts.
"Because you were. (laugh from everyone except Christi who is living in a parrallel dimension and still doesn't get it.)
"Why did you victimize me, Aaron? I have feelings, you know"
"I know. I've been acting like such the Klingon! Showing no emotion, really. Well here's some emotion! This show is about ME, the bachelor. So you and Heathen can take your feelings and scram"!
"But I thought it was all about ME" Christi laments.
"YOU.....YOU.....U DA HO! There are you happy! And as for you Heathen you want to know why I did not tell you how I felt? Not groping you back while you were feeling me out on camera, should have been a clue. And calling you Brooke the whole date, that could have been a hint.....
But I thought for sure I got the point across when I did NOT give you a rose!
And Gwen! Swell, now I know I really screwed up! Now, I have my second favorite at home because you did not grovel like the rest and profess your undying love for me. In the hot tub you did not want to hear about the underwater challenge Brian won on Survivor! NOOOO! You had to be different and have class!"
Aaron leaves, meaning to tell the producers they should put in an immunity challenge next season to see who's really in the game.
Heathen bawls uncontrollaby as a stage hand is seen stuffing a Prozac the size of a golf ball down her throat. Kyla stares into another girl's eyes, just to see herself. Christi is laying behind the couch swigging away mumbling "I haven't nailed a cat to his door......YET!" Suzanne says something about a pilot saying "You DAW! Hurry, I've only got five minutes before I have to land this craft***".
Next week, we will see the grand finale, dubbed as "the moment you have all been waiting for" by Herringbone. I'm waiting for the moment one of these girls gets a life.
****courtesy of "ten things you don't want to hear your pilot say" taken from a post at Reality TV boards.