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"The Bachelor Meets Hollywood"
LionChow 2033 desperate attention whore postings
DAW Level: "Roller Coaster Inaugurator"
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09-28-02, 11:05 PM (EST)
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"The Bachelor Meets Hollywood" |
Act I – Dumb and Dumber – We start off this second round of The Bachelor by getting a behind the scenes look at how they narrow all the candidates down to the one lucky guy that will become the new rose-distributing, heart-breaking Bachelor. I call this segment Dumb and Dumber because we get a brief glimpse of all the not-exactly-perfect saps that got left out in the cold. Instead of leaving them on the cutting room floor, Fox elects to embarrass them nationally by showing a number of them dishing out their tired old pick up lines in a futile effort to make the grade. The producers give us the logic and methodology used to pick The Man, and we are soon on our way to… Act II – Mark in Top Gun – Our first candidate, Tom Cruise (“but I’m much taller”), is an Air Force pilot that promises to exhaust any female that would dare try to spend a day living at his pace. He is shown flying, biking, swimming, running and otherwise exercising at a rate that makes you wonder if you’ve accidentally tuned in an old Ironman Triathlon training video. Mark is an attractive guy, with not a lot of room for body fat in his life (sorry Amanda, no back-to-back titles), but unfortunately for all the women that have begun salivating at his good looks and cut body, he soon accidentally spills the beans that he won’t have much time for you either! Sure enough, Mark, the show’s producers and his sponsors say a lot of the things a woman would want to hear: nice guy, got bank, sincere, very interesting, but somewhere in there he begins to let on the he is A.F. pilot first, triathlete second and maybe-your-husband third…definitely in that order. Maybe it was when he sheepishly admitted to wearing his flight suit to go shopping because people treated him like a god that the message finally got through loud and clear. Or maybe it was when he said “My life is so great, I’m complete as a person right now.” Well, who needs the ball-and-chain, eh buddy? In the end, Mark comes across as something out of An Officer And A Gentleman. The women flock to him because he is a pilot, through and through. Debra Winger and her friends want his proposal not so much because he is the perfect husband providing the perfect relationship, but because he will give them the Officer’s wife lifestyle, a trophy husband if you will. My rating for chances at being picked: 4:1. Act III – Jason in Bonfire of the Vanities – I use this title not so much for it’s plot or message, but simply because the four words describe this next guy to a “T”. Jason is quite simply the most arrogant, self-loving man you will probably ever see. All women love him…just ask Jason, he’ll tell you! The downfall of many a hero in Greek mythology was hubris, or excessive pride, so I present to you the Hubris clicker, using actual Jason quotes: “I’m Jason and I’m America’s most eligible bachelor”{click}
“There’s not a lot of people like me”{click}
Jason says he’s “looking for a woman that will love him despite his large bank account”{click}
“I’m a 29 year old in a 21 year old body”{click}
“The women I date in S.F. revere me as a sexual object sometimes”{click}
“I’m having sexual relations with maybe three different women right now.” {click}
“Some guys view me as some sort of porn-star, chick magnet guy”{click}
“I can’t be cognizant of anybody except myself.”{click}
“If that’s not good enough for them, that’s fine, I can’t worry about that.”{click} Much like Bachelor Number 1, Jason is frequently shown exercising, only it’s not nearly as convincing this time around. Jason plays basketball, but all he shoots are layups. Jason does chin-ups, but only two. Jason is shown sprinting, sometimes in slo-mo, but with a form that immediately brings Survivor Africa’s Brandon to mind. He seems to go fast, but the arms and legs are flying all over the place. It almost seems like he is being chased by a swarm of bees that he keeps swatting as he runs. Mark the Pilot would pummel this guy.
The depths of Jason’s self-love know no bounds and he would be perfect for a shallow, gold-digging, self-respect-less woman, who was interested in marrying a lot of money for a few years, then moving on. My rating for chances at being picked: 50:1. Act IV – The new bachellorettes in Striptease – Next we get to see the whole selection process for our new women. The winners, the losers and the everything in between. We get to hear their dreams and hopes, which gives us a little glimpse at which have the potential to be this season’s Rhonda. I won’t name them or go into it too much, not wanting to steal from next week’s thunder, but suffice it to say, we have good material heading our way. Act V – Robert in Pretty Woman – He makes me think of the Richard Gere that did nothing but work, and didn’t really know what to do with the hooker he bought. Three different people nominated this guy, so folks who know him realize he needs some help. His first quote out of the gate is “it’s been a long time since I’ve had a serious girlfriend and I think this show can help me pull it together.” Uh-oh!
Then... “I was always a good kid, but with my friends, I was kind of a knucklehead.” Can’t you just hear the women swooning now!
“He works 24-7.” Yippee!
“I wanna wake up in the morning, roll over and say this is my wife.” Can’t you just feel the romance oozing out of this guy?
Robert doesn’t use ANY pick up lines. He doesn’t go to any bars anyway, so what difference does it make? My rating for chances at being picked: 10:1. Act VI – Trista in Alien - Revenge time, baby! Trista’s back and she’s kicking a$$ and taking names. The clear winner of The Bachelor I is introduced as the star of The Bachellorette, starting in January, 2003. The whole interview goes great until… Dum, De, Dum Dum. Out comes the old “orgasm” question. We cringe as Trista gets to relive the single biggest slipup in her life. “So, do you think any of these guys will be able to give you an orgasm, yuck, yuck!” How do you gracefully handle that? Well, she did a good job of laughing it off, but I bet she put a chair across the back of our host Chris’ head when the red light went off. Act VII – Aaron in Superman – Actually he reminds me much more of Troy Aikman, ex-quarterback of the Dallas Cowboys, but in keeping with my Hollywood theme, I’ll compare him to the Man of Steel, who hails from a small hick town in the country. Quiet and unassuming at first glance, Superman, err rather Aaron, keeps his strong side hidden inside. In sharp contrast to Bachelor #2, Aaron has an ego that actually fits him. The guy has got the bucks, car, boat, musical talent and body that would make even the most ardent homo-phobe say “Hey, this guy’s hot.”
The only risks I see with Aaron, entertainment value-wise, is that he may be less likely to sleaze it up with the bimbos, and, that we may be subjected to an onslaught of folksy, grain belt-ish corny clichés. “Poppa always tol me, son, ya gotta feed the hens a’for they’ll lay eggs.” The Bachelor, Part 1 was so funny mainly because you got to watch Alex lie and lead on all those women, and you weren’t the least bit surprised when he did it. But the bimbos, they bit hard, and it was guiltily delicious to watch. From Rhonda’s breathing to Shannon’s last confrontation to the bald faced lie he told to Trista on the last night… you loved it. Come on admit it.
I think the bimbos would love this guy too, especially as he doesn’t come across as such a blatant phony, like dear old Alex. My rating for chances at being picked: 1:1. Act VIII – No names and washed up celebs in Love Boat – Next we get to see regular guys and gals watching last season’s highlights, letting us know that it was “Event Television.” Then several “stars” tell anecdotes about watching Alex and Company. Props to Kathy Griffin, who got in a few good shots at Shannon and Rhonda, which really had me laughing. Jerry Springer even gets a good zinger in on Alex. Act IX – John in Castaway - John’s interview is the least memorable and laughable of the bunch. It’s straight up and no joking allowed cause John’s a lonely guy. Somebody save him and become his wife. He comes across as a very levelheaded and interesting guy, which is nice for the women, but tough for me cause there’s nothing to goof on. At least Aaron had an accent! I guess you could pick on his being 35, but that’s really stretching. He doesn’t do anything silly or embarrassing, and he comes across as a viable choice. My rating for chances at being picked: 1:1. Act X – Alex and Amanda in Romeo & Juliet – Or in our case, Herman Munster and the Busty Belle. After numerous teases, we finally reach our star-crossed lovers. Are the rumors true, or has Fox TV produced a romance for the ages? When you employ spin doctors as adept as George Stephanopolous, anything is possible! Sure, they’re as in love as they ever were. Just because they live in different time zones means nothing. Anybody knows that. We get numerous assurances that Alex is NOT gay. NOT gay dammit! Then Amanda beats him over the head repeatedly about kissing the other women on the show. They each give advice to the new cast, yadda, yadda, yadda be kind, thoughtful, yadda.
Then, in a moment worthy of an SB “I’ll never post again” thread, Alex and Amanda tell America that they will never, ever, ever do anything in the public eye again. Ever. Don’t ask them cause they’re not interested. And they’re not reading replies to their post either! Act XI – Meet the new Bachelor starring… Aaron! Gushing praise flows from the producers as Aaron is introduced as this season’s Marquis de Sade. I agree with his selection too, just holding onto a little fear that he may be too nice to really get these women too nuts. Act XII – Coming soon to a theatre near you: All my fears are allayed as we see scenes from this coming season. Tears are flowing, cats are clawing and flesh is abundant! Again, I don’t want to steal the thunder from our future summary writers, so tune in next week to see what happens when The Bachelor 2 has it’s opening cattle call! 
Better late than never!
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katem 3315 desperate attention whore postings
DAW Level: "Car Show Celebrity"
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09-30-02, 10:59 AM (EST)
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1. "RE: The Bachelor Meets Hollywood" |
>Act VII – Aaron in Superman
>– Actually he reminds me
>much more of Troy Aikman,
>ex-quarterback of the Dallas Cowboys, That is exactly what I thought of him, and that's a good thing. >The only risks I see with
>Aaron, entertainment value-wise, is that
>he may be less likely
>to sleaze it up with
>the bimbos, and, that we
>may be subjected to an
>onslaught of folksy, grain
>belt-ish corny clichés. “Poppa
>always tol me, son, ya
>gotta feed the hens a’for
>they’ll lay eggs.” LOL LC, sooo funny !!!!! >Act XI – Meet the new
>Bachelor starring… Aaron!
>Gushing praise flows from the
>producers as Aaron is introduced
>as this season’s Marquis de
>Sade. I agree with
>his selection too, just holding
>onto a little fear that
>he may be too nice
>to really get these women
>too nuts. HUBBA, HUBBA, HUBBA, drooling here  
(c) 2002 IceCat Originals, Inc. All rights reserved.
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lroy 536 desperate attention whore postings
DAW Level: "Reality Show Commentator"
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09-30-02, 01:26 PM (EST)
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2. "RE: The Bachelor Meets Hollywood" |
Lion Chow, this is great! You and Bebo have made this monday morning!!Favorites: >Act III – Jason in Bonfire
>of the Vanities – I
>use this title not so
>much for it’s plot or
>message, but simply because the
>four words describe this next
>guy to a “T”.
>Jason is quite simply the
>most arrogant, self-loving man you
>will probably ever see.
>All women love him…just ask
>Jason, he’ll tell you!
>The downfall of many a
>hero in Greek mythology was
>hubris, or excessive pride, so
>I present to you the
>Hubris clicker, using actual Jason
>quotes:
>
>“I’m Jason and I’m America’s most
>eligible bachelor”{click}
>“There’s not a lot of people
>like me”{click}
>Jason says he’s “looking for a
>woman that will love him
>despite his large bank account”{click}
>
>“I’m a 29 year old in
>a 21 year old body”{click}
>
>“The women I date in S.F.
>revere me as a sexual
>object sometimes”{click}
>“I’m having sexual relations with maybe
>three different women right now.”
>{click}
> “Some guys view me as
>some sort of porn-star, chick
>magnet guy”{click}
>“I can’t be cognizant of anybody
>except myself.”{click}
>“If that’s not good enough for
>them, that’s fine, I can’t
>worry about that.”{click}
>
>Much like Bachelor Number 1, Jason
>is frequently shown exercising, only
>it’s not nearly as convincing
>this time around. Jason
>plays basketball, but all he
>shoots are layups. Jason
>does chin-ups, but only two.
> Jason is shown sprinting,
>sometimes in slo-mo, but with
>a form that immediately brings
>Survivor Africa’s Brandon to mind.
> He seems to go
>fast, but the arms and
>legs are flying all over
>the place. It almost
>seems like he is being
>chased by a swarm of
>bees that he keeps swatting
>as he runs. This is exactly how i felt about this guy! Can he possibly be more full of himself? I doubt it! Although being from Silicon Valley, he pretty much sums up why i'm still single!
>
>Act VIII – No names and
>washed up celebs in Love
>Boat – Next we get
>to see regular guys and
>gals watching last season’s highlights,
>letting us know that it
>was “Event Television.” Then
>several “stars” tell anecdotes about
>watching Alex and Company.
>Props to Kathy Griffin, who
>got in a few good
>shots at Shannon and Rhonda,
>which really had me laughing.
> Jerry Springer even gets
>a good zinger in on
>Alex. Any one find it ironic that the majority of people who watched this show were also "ABC personalities." You know they were forced to talk up the show. >
>Act IX – John in Castaway
>- John’s interview is the
>least memorable and laughable of
>the bunch. It’s straight
>up and no joking allowed
>cause John’s a lonely guy.
> Somebody save him and
>become his wife. He
>comes across as a very
>levelheaded and interesting guy, which
>is nice for the women,
>but tough for me cause
>there’s nothing to goof on.
> At least Aaron had
>an accent! I
>guess you could pick on
>his being 35, but that’s
>really stretching. He doesn’t
>do anything silly or embarrassing,
>and he comes across as
>a viable choice. My
>rating for chances at being
>picked: 1:1. I don't even remember him... haha! >
>Act X – Alex and Amanda
>in Romeo & Juliet –
>Or in our case, Herman
>Munster and the Busty Belle.
> After numerous teases, we
>finally reach our star-crossed lovers.
> Are the rumors true,
>or has Fox TV produced
>a romance for the ages?
> When you employ spin
>doctors as adept as George
>Stephanopolous, anything is possible!
>Sure, they’re as in love
>as they ever were.
>Just because they live in
>different time zones means nothing.
> Anybody knows that.
>We get numerous assurances that
>Alex is NOT gay.
>NOT gay dammit! Then
>Amanda beats him over the
>head repeatedly about kissing the
>other women on the show.
>Then, in a moment worthy of
>an SB “I’ll never post
>again” thread, Alex and Amanda
>tell America that they will
>never, ever, ever do anything
>in the public eye again.
> Ever. Don’t ask
>them cause they’re not interested.
> And they’re not reading
>replies to their post either!
The funniest part was how uncomfortable they looked with eachother. Awesome summary LionChow! 
This is only a guess...
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greeneyes 698 desperate attention whore postings
DAW Level: "Reality Show Commentator"
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10-01-02, 02:45 PM (EST)
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3. "RE: The Bachelor Meets Hollywood" |
LionChow:Great job! Especially loved the Jason parts -- they were dead on! Your summary was more interesting than the show. Just hope I can do as well with this week's summary. -- Cindy
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sticks 1165 desperate attention whore postings
DAW Level: "Politically Incorrect Guest"
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10-01-02, 05:42 PM (EST)
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4. "RE: The Bachelor Meets Hollywood" |
Great summary Lionchow!I can't believe you didn't mention the grandma type that tried out for a wife-to-be position. She had to be like 60 years old. (Ha, I first typed 69 instead of 60! Hee!)
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LionChow 2033 desperate attention whore postings
DAW Level: "Roller Coaster Inaugurator"
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10-02-02, 09:04 AM (EST)
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5. "RE: The Bachelor Meets Hollywood" |
OMG! I can't believe I forgot her!!!!!! That's terrible. She was great! I guess I was in such a rush to finish the summary, I stopped once I hit the "Next week" segment. So sorry, I blew that one.
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diamond 2307 desperate attention whore postings
DAW Level: "Seventeen Magazine Model"
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10-02-02, 10:31 AM (EST)
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6. "RE: The Bachelor Meets Hollywood" |
LionChow, this was grea! My favorite part was the Alex and Amanda interview summary, especially the shout-out to SB and the "I'll never post again" threads. That was priceless!
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realitycoholic 216 desperate attention whore postings
DAW Level: "Network TV Show Guest Star"
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10-02-02, 07:00 PM (EST)
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7. "RE: The Bachelor Meets Hollywood" |
Regarding the "Are you gay?" question, did anyone notice that Alex didn't answer the question? Alex just squirmed and pursed his lips and let his beard, um, I mean girlfriend answer for him!
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Femme 3621 desperate attention whore postings
DAW Level: "Thong Contest Judge"
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10-10-02, 11:52 AM (EST)
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8. "RE: The Bachelor Meets Hollywood" |
Chowderhead, forgive me for finding this so late!I LOVED it! You freakin' rule! Im such a jerk, though. I printed it eons ago on my way out the door and read it at school. I loved it, but never did tell ya so. Awesome job! 
Femme
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