The Ladies Tell All, Well, Sorta, Kinda, Not Really

Previously on ‘The Bachelor: Paris’, 25 beautiful young women traveled to the magical City of Lights to find love and romance with our handsome bachelor, Dr. Travis Stork. Twenty-three of these young women have been rejected, turned away rose-less, and as a result have become bitter harpies, who are reuniting tonight against their will to discuss their journey and amazing connection with Dr. Stork.

Now do you understand why I’ve procrastinated so long to write this recap? Let’s review. Monday, fell asleep before the show aired, confident in the knowledge that the recorder will capture every precious moment. Tuesday, oops, two hours of the ladies on ‘American Idol’, that must be more interesting than recapping the Bachelorettes. Wednesday, hey, I get to watch Ace sing on ‘American Idol’ tonight. The ladies will have to wait. Thursday, what a train wreck of a schedule, ‘Survivor’, ‘DWTS’, ‘AI Results Show’ and Ladies Figure Skating finals. The summary didn’t have a chance.

But the time has come, I can avoid it no longer. There are at least three of you out there who are waiting with baited breath to hear what I have to say. Without further ado, previously on ‘The Bachelor: Paris’….

Will there be catfights? Will there be tears? Will Tara be drunk tonight? Has Ali G found a way to preserve her rotting eggs? Travis will join the ladies and there will be fireworks because Moana is one of the final two.

Chris Harrison joins us and tells us this has been the ‘most talked about season ever’. Yea, and every rose ceremony is the ‘most shocking’. Chris loves the reunion show, because he finally gets to say something more than ‘ladies, there is one rose left’. He begins by introducing the ladies in what appears to be the order they were sent home, which means none of us recognize the first 10 ladies, and few of the other 15. Something is missing, but I can’t quite put my finger on it. There are, of course, stand-outs. Tara, in a hot pink, off-the shoulder blouse that does nothing for her complexion or hair, is still slurring her words. Is that just her natural way of speaking? Susan is sitting down at the end of the line with a very sour look on her face. Has she smiled once tonight? Well, she does muster a pageant smile when she is introduced.

The ladies are asked their initial impressions of our fair Dr. Stork. Jehan tells us he looked like a Greek god (oh, gag me). Tara tells us it was surreal driving up to a castle in a limo, Prince Charming standing there, it felt just like going to Disneyland! Kristen thinks Travis has been the best bachelor yet (best, if you mean ‘most boring’, perhaps).

In a break with tradition, Chris calls Susan to join him in the hot seat. Aren’t the most recently booted ladies interviewed last? Well, Susan is certainly prepared for the last of her 15 minutes of fame, wearing a pair of jeans with a black see-through shirt. Chris calls her out on her intentions on being a part of the show. We see a clip of Susan telling the ladies while sitting around the kitchen that acting allowed her to be a more outgoing person, we see the clip of Susan’s mother telling Travis she didn’t think Susan should date for a year after breaking her engagement, and we see the worst audition in the history of the theatrical arts, when Susan “breaks down” in the limo ride after having not received a rose. She assures us she was being real, had every intention of being open to the idea of love and she was absolutely falling in love with Travis. (Eye rolling among the other ladies.) That’s the worse thing you can say about her, that she isn’t real. She still has strong feelings for Travis now. But wait, the other ladies have a chance to weigh in on Susan’s feelings for Travis. Jehan shares that the way Susan talked about Travis and the way she talked about her ex-fiancé were completely different. Jennifer was shocked Susan was telling Travis she was falling in love with him when Susan was still talking about getting together with her ex-fiancé if it doesn’t work out. Another woman asks Susan that she didn’t see this as a vehicle to get her where she needed to be, and Susan tells us ‘whatever vehicle that brings me to professional happiness’ is what she wants. (Major eye rolling from the other ladies, and they look ready to strike.)

OK, let’s analyze this a minute. Susan didn’t say ‘whatever brings me personal happiness’. She said ‘professional happiness’. Huh? No way she can redeem herself now. She is confronted about the reasons her former fiancé broke up with her, and a few of the ladies that were sent home the first night try to come to Susan’s defense. It isn’t going to work. Jennifer shuts one woman down by saying ‘don’t tell me what to think, I don’t even know your name’. Chris tries to calm things down by telling everyone that Travis will join them later, and while most of the ladies smile and look thrilled, Susan looks mortified.

After a break, we return to talk with Sarah B. (Oh! Canada), who received the first rose of the season. Sarah is also wearing jeans, knee high boots, a white tank top and some crocheted vest her Grandmother probably made her for Christmas. Hey, these women know they are going to appear on national television. Doesn’t anyone know how to dress up anymore? I mean, it’s one thing to be relaxed and comfortable, another to show a little class. Chris talks about the immediate spark between Sarah and Travis. We get to see their initial meeting, many clips of her ‘happy squeal’, a hilarious clip I don’t remember seeing before of Sarah pushing her oobies together and asking ‘hey, how you doin’?’. Sarah TN reminds us that Canada had one-on-one time with Travis and was so drunk she doesn’t remember. Many ladies tell us she’s too young and immature for Travis, and in her final limo ride Sarah tells us that is b*%^#*t. Yea, that’s mature. Chris asks the ladies to offer examples of Sarah’s immaturity, which they are only too happy to provide.

We are shown clips of Sarah B and Jennifer’s camping trip with Travis. Jennifer doesn’t like bugs, she burnt her marshmallows and the hotdogs. What more could she have done to receive a rose? Chris asks Jennifer why that scene upsets her so, and she tells us she just didn’t understand the chemistry between Sarah and Travis. Sarah tells us what ultimately broke them apart was she couldn’t get it out of her head he was dating other women, and the 10-year age difference, but whatever it was she totally respects his decision. Overall, my opinion of her hasn’t really changed, she’s a sweet girl who, let’s face it, is very young but does seem to have a strong self-image.

Oh boy, coming up, the ladies talk about Ali G. Hey, that’s what’s missing. Ali G isn’t there. This should be interesting (or not). I definitely need more coffee. I’m starting to nod off here. Chris welcomes us back to tell us about all the ‘firsts’ this year in The Bachelor: Paris, including ‘some of the worst crash-and-burns in Bachelor history’ (closely followed by ‘the most amazing rose ceremonies ever’, no doubt). Kristen is invited to the hot seat. He compliments her fantastic personality, and we are treated to various clips of Kristen’s antics in the house, including wanting to make toilet paper dresses (I was unaware the house was a bridal shower in progress) and a preview for the ladies of ‘the lemon teeth’. Tara tells Kristen to show him the orange peel trick at dinner and she’ll be in. So, it’s all Tara’s fault! Blame Tara! Then, of course, the most embarrassingly long silence in Bachelor history at dinner. Poor Travis. Kristen tells us she realized as soon as she did ‘the teeth’ that she had blown it, but that’s just her personality.

Chris tells us Ali G was the only woman in Bachelor history to verbally attack a bachelor on the very first night. Now we are treated to Ali G’s scenes at the cocktail party, including telling him she’s ‘ready to move on to the next phase, the reproductive phase’, and Yvonne cracking up in the background. Then Ali confronting him after the rose ceremony. More meltdown. More freaking out. Cost her $1,500 a day to be there (that’s a pricey street she works). Chris tells us Ali G declined to attend, but offers the ladies a chance to comment. Yvonne is shocked that anyone would go on national television and talk about wanting to reproduce! (We all were! Every single one of us! ‘My eggs are rotting’!) Sarah B shares a funny story, that they were standing beside each other at the rose ceremony, Sarah was complaining about her feet hurting, and Ali’s comment was ‘sh*t up, you can’t say anything because you have the first rose’. Venus thinks she just didn’t realize how strongly she would react to rejection, and her response surprised her as much as it did them. Chris shares she’s maybe a good doctor, but bad at picking up men.

Will this show never end? My recorder tells me I’m only 33 minutes into this show and unless the upcoming bloopers are really good, I’m going to melt down. Chris welcomes us back and asks us to welcome Travis, who is at least brave enough to face the women he has rejected. Travis tells them all hello and he was excited to see them all. He feels Susan was unfairly attacked and she shouldn’t have to go through that. Susan and Travis talk a little about whether Travis thought she was faking (he didn’t). He and Sarah B talk about why their chemistry failed (she didn’t remember being in the tree with him!). Kristen wants to know if it was the teeth (no, she’s a wonderful girl and he has a friend who absolutely loves her). Travis talks a little about Ali G, but won’t go there, just let her move on.

Oh boy, bloopers! Ladies checking their armpits, Tara and Sarah B belching. Falling off jet skis. Falling off chairs. Tara, ‘I don’t know much but I know how to drink’ (and a shot of Moana doing a spit take). Bugs. Wardrobe malfunctions. Prop malfunctions. Susan asking Travis to give her a piece of his meat. Okay, then. Nice to know the ladies are such ‘ladies’ when they are alone. Travis must depart so the ladies can diss on the two ladies that remain.

Yvonne thought Sarah TN and Moana would be one of the first to leave. Jehan doesn’t see Travis and Moana, she rubbed everyone the wrong way. Chris tells us most of the viewers are rooting for Moana. Moana isn’t sure yet that she would accept a rose, the other ladies interpret that to mean she doesn’t want to be there. She takes Travis for a ride on a jet ski, she’s a b*tch who is stealing him away. They just don’t like her and can’t understand what he sees in her. We are also treated to her tearful ‘you complete me’ video. (Run, Travis, run!) More dissing on Moana, how she wasn’t friendly in the house, didn’t appear excited to receive a rose. Princess (who was eliminated the first night) reminds these beyotches that just because she wasn’t showing her emotions to them, doesn’t mean she wasn’t showing her emotions to Travis, which in the end is what matters. Sarah admits that just because they didn’t have chemistry with Moana doesn’t mean Travis doesn’t. Susan admits she was spiteful because she was jealous, Jennifer tells us Moana helped others with their make-up and made breakfast for the house, she loves her now. Several ladies mention that they didn’t see her soft side in the house, that they did see on the show. They like her, they really like her now. Chris didn’t expect that reaction from the ladies. (Lots of Lithium in the water, no doubt.)

Chris welcomes us back from the break with a reminder that in one week Travis must make his choice between Sarah and Moana. In Sarah’s clips, Travis tells us he has developed a friendship with Susan that has grown into so much more, she has an amazing energy and zest for life, finds her ability to live in the moment ‘sexy’. He tells us Sarah is the perfect match for him, she’s fun, happy, the girl next door. In Moana’s clips, Travis tells us he’s been attracted to her since day one, she has a depth to her and she’s exciting and mysterious. They are able to have quiet moments when no words need to be spoken. She’s beautiful, smart, sophisticated. He could definitely see himself with her.

So, who will Travis choose? How large a ring will he buy? Will he pay for it himself or let the producers cough up the cash? Before he decides, Travis takes the ladies home to meet the parents. The ladies have a breakdown as they realize the fairy tale in Paris is coming to an end. And, in the most shocking overuse of superlatives on a nationally televised reality show, Chris reminds us to ‘tune in for the most unforgettable conclusion to the most romantic season ever’.

So, what did we learn? Susan wasn’t acting, even though she was on the lookout for whatever it is that makes her ‘professionally happy’. Tara apparently has a speech impediment that causes her to always sound inebriated. There is actually a man out there in the universe who thinks Kristen’s ‘orange peel teeth’ are attractive. Sarah Canada was so drunk on her one-on-one date with Travis that she doesn’t remember climbing a tree, but has a healthy attitude about the whole experience. Ali G declined to appear but that didn’t stop the ladies from talking about her.

Thank you for your patience in waiting for this summary. I hope you enjoyed reading it as much as it pained me to write it. I miss Trish. I wish they would make her a special correspondent. Then, we would hear some true venom. Who are you rooting for? See ya in the funny papers!

~kathliam