The Mole: Season 5 Premiere Summary
"Something Old, Something New..."
By Jims02

Prologue: "Something Old..."

Once upon a time, there lived the Kingdom of Moletopia . It was a fairly prosperous land, viewed as a producer of high-quality goods. It was moderately popular too, particularly with the 18-49 demographic. Teens and families alike would frequently visit the tiny kingdom. Even more important, it was just popular enough to avoid being bombed by the neighboring Grand Duchy of ABC.

But Moletopia wasn’t too popular, and eventually started to get in ABC’s way. They needed that space for other pilot industries they were experimenting with. So they banished the Molerons to the dreaded Isle of Friday, to toil fruitlessly in the desert once occupied by the TGIF nomads. Consequently, potential visitors weren’t able to find the kingdom, and those who did know about it were too busy to bother. In a last ditch effort, Moletopia tried recruiting celebrities to promote the kingdom, but was met to very limited success.

Eventually, the kingdom of Moletopia faded away, apparently never to be seen again…

Since then, The Grand Duchy of ABC has become a more profitable place, with great successes in their Dancing, Fashion, Homemaking, and Island Rescue industries. They still had some problems, however. Worried about a labor protest, brave explorers set out on a quest for lost treasure. They eventually re-discovered the Lost Kingdom of Moletopia, and decided it would be the perfect spot for a summer vacation getaway.

Moletopia, as it seems, was back in business.

But all of that is ancient history. The real question is: What happened to the Kingdom of Moletopia during its disappearance? And what fundamental changes had been made?

The following is an account of twelve adventurers, each trying to solve the timeless question: Who is the Mole?

Part 1: "Something New..."

The adventure begins in Los Angeles , California Chile , where our host, Anderson Cooper Jon Kelley, is welcoming patronizing the viewers at home. He tells us that today, 12 Americans will play the game of their lives, working together to complete challenges to add money to a pot. This pot will be won by the player that identifies the Mole, who is an undercover double-agent paid to sabotage the team's efforts.

So, who are our suspects? They are:

Victoria , 26, a retail manager from Bishop, Texas.

Why she could be the Mole - Could definitely fall through the cracks, playing the " America 's Sweetheart Who Likes to Stab People" role.
Why she probably isn't – Everyone already knows what Victoria ’s Secret is.

Mark, 42, a high school history teacher from Mukwonago, Wisconsin.

The Mole? - Ideal for the "Try really, really hard at failing" strategy. If he's going to fail at something, he's going down kicking and screaming.
Not the Mole? - Corbin Bernsen wasn't the Mole. Twice.

Bobby, 25, a restaurant manager from Manayunk, Pennsylvania.

The Mole? - An uber-fan like Bobby could still remember the correct quiz answers from Season 1. He knows this game inside out.
Not the Mole? - He looks a little like one of the “New Kids on the Block.” I'm not sure which one.

Marcie, 31, a stay-at-home mom from Corona , California.

The Mole? - No one ever seems to notice their moms helping themselves to the "tampered" Halloween candy.
Not the Mole? - Too obvious. I’ll explain later.

Nicole, 33, an OBGYN from Chicago, Illinois.

The Mole? - Then viewers could make funny jokes about her profession all season long.
Not the Mole? - She looks kinda like Sherry Palmer, the President's wife from the first season of 24. That character wasn't even a Mole on that series... She was very public about her deception.

Paul, 29, a utility worker from Yonkers , New York.

The Mole? - Can yell down any possible suspicion that might come his way.
Not the Mole? - New Yorkers tell it like it is. Kapische?

Alex, 31, a musician from Haverford, Pennsylvania.

The Mole? - Could hide vital components of challenges in his hair.
Not the Mole? – If he were the Mole, viewers all season would have to look at his hair.

Liz, 60, a retiree from Whitefish, Montana.

The Mole? - Not expected to be successful at anything by the young people.
Not the Mole? - Go watch Season 2 again. Been there, done that.

Ali, 24, a model from St. Louis , Missouri.

The Mole? - No one ever suspects the model.
Not the Mole? – Not even this show would do three models in a row. Of course, this kind of logic didn’t work last season either.

Clay, 32, an attorney from Philadelphia , Pennsylvania.

The Mole? - Lawyers are lying scumbags.
Not the Mole? - No one would trust a lying scumbag anyway.

Craig, 30, a graphic designer from San Diego , California.

The Mole? - Kinda looks like Wayne Knight's character from “ Jurassic Park .” That guy stole the dinosaur embryos and locked up the computer security system.
Not the Mole? - Too many physical challenges might attract too much attention.

Kristen, 35, a neuroscientist from Santa Monica , California.

The Mole? - Being the Mole is probably easier than brain surgery.
Not the Mole? - It's tough sabotaging stuff when you're already good at everything.

The opening credits roll by and the Moleron veterans are greeted with the first noticeable change to the series, aside from the revolving-door host. The classic Mole theme has changed. The music is in the same vein as the original and sets the mood extremely well, but it feels a little like a knockoff. Actually, all the tunes are completely re-done and are similar to the originals (knockoffs). They're still catchy tunes and it’s a relatively minor point, so only a complete Moleron would write a lengthy diatribe about it. By the way, that thread is right next door.

Jon Kelley greets the contestants, trying his best to do an Anderson Cooper impression. He's pulling it off pretty well, despite his noticeably deeper voice. Of course, Anderson was somewhere around the mezzo-soprano range most of the time, so any other host would probably sound like Barry White in comparison. Still, he's doing a pretty good job so far with his mimicry. In fact, he has hereby earned the nickname "Jonderson" for the rest of the summary.

Anyway, Jonderson has a simple task for the contestants. Based on first impressions alone, he wants them to choose who they think is the Mole. All the players circle their choice on their cards, and Jonderson promptly reveals that they chose Marcie. If Marcie is indeed the Mole, then she has automatically won the "Suckiest Mole Ever" award. Even Kathryn got through the first hour of the game without attracting suspicion.

The host informs the team that Marcie is officially in charge of making all the decisions tonight, including their first challenge. This sets the “suspiciousness precedes power” precedent for the rest of the season. In this challenge, the players will raft down a river toward a bag of money dangling on the edge of a waterfall. If the player can successfully grab the bag, they may add $10,000 to the pot. This mission is symbolic of a senseless tragedy that happened in 1938, which, as we know, are always great ideas for reality show challenges. Jonderson, who took credit for coming up with this challenge, is completely to blame for this moment of bad taste.

Unfortunately, only 6 of the 11 bags will have cash in them. The others will be filled with broken dreams. It's Marcie's job to decide who will be jumping for cash, and who will be jumping for pointless suspicious behavior. She makes her selections secretly, while Craig reinforces to the viewers at home how scary frickin' waterfalls are.

For this challenge, Alex is up first. In a confessional, he mentions that he's afraid of drowning, but is "good on his feet in certain situations." Rafting obviously isn't one of them, as he doesn't even get close to grabbing the bag. Ali, who goes second, was closer but also failed. She prayed beforehand, but it's obvious they were canceled by those of the Mole's. Besides, God doesn't play favorites anyway. Especially when dealing with frickin’ waterfalls.

Before jumping, Clay points out that "as an attorney, doesn't jump waterfalls." If this were instead a contest to see who could badger the most witnesses, Clay definitely would win. It seems evident that he does all his frickin’-waterfall-jumping in his spare time, because he easily snatches the bag. Marcie, observing the game from afar, is worried that she's missing out on an opportunity to hang out with the other players. Considering that the players just labeled her most untrustworthy, she is clearly suffering from Stockholm Syndrome.

Kristen, Bobby, and Liz each get their respective bags. Paul just misses his, realizing his worst possible fear of being beaten by a 60-year old woman. He's certainly not going to enjoy the Knitting, Gardening, and Shaking Your Cane at Young People challenges later on this season. Victoria 's in the same boat as Paul, as she also fails the challenge. She had a suspiciously-large green thumbprint on her helmet, which seems like some sort of clue. Either that, or the last wearer of that helmet was crushed by the Jolly Green Giant. You decide.

Craig's next. He sees the rope harness and gets worried about whether it can support his weight. He should have been more worried about asphyxiation, however. After narrowly missing the bag, he bounces upward sharply, choking Craig pretty badly. Frickin’ waterfalls are pretty scary, but gravity and forward momentum appear to be Craig's biggest enemies.

Nicole and Mark both get their bags, Nicole using considerably less effort. Mark proclaims that "there better be money in here or someone's getting killed." Obviously, Mark's under the impression that the executions in this game involve a firing squad.

Overall, Jonderson is impressed at the team's successful rescue of 6/11 bags from the frickin’ waterfalls. In other words, Jonderson is a tool with low expectations. Now it's time to reveal which player's satchels had money in them. Nicole, Bobby, and Kristen's each had fake Mole Money in them. Kristen is extremely surprised about this, since she's 9 feet tall and is a Lvl 47 Frickin’-Waterfall-Jumping Paladin on World of Warcraft. Mark's sack (no, that's not code) did contain $10,000, so there was much rejoicing. Liz's bag didn't, of course, but Clay's did contain another ten grand. The Total Pot now stands at $20,000. Viewers at home suddenly get the munchies.

Jonderson hands out the journals, which will be used for stalking the other players. He proudly displays Journal #11. This has just got to be a clue, given this show's precedent for having clues that simultaneously point to every single player. In addition to being Mr. Journal Lackey, Jonderson informs the team that Marcie is in charge of deciding who has to sleep outside tonight. ABC was obviously too cheap to pay for a second chalet, so four people have to sleep outside. Marcie immediately selects Nicole, Liz, Craig, and Bobby. Basically everyone that doesn't look like the typical Big Brother contestant.

Everyone seems to take this "Random Act of Screw-Over" good-humoredly except for Nicole. She proclaims, "I don't have to do anything but stay black and die." As the others hurriedly decipher that statement, Nicole decides to stay up all night and write more ridiculous non-sequiturs to say, thereby circumventing the rules. And also achieving a big "Screw You" to Jonderson's authority.

Paul concludes that this is a "bitchy thing" instead. He says that Nicole was expecting a 5-star hotel and ended up with a 2-star backyard. Paul also tosses his journal to Alex to fill out for him, due to Alex's "photogenic" memory. This comment promptly causes every viewer’s head to explode. In theory, Paul is suggesting that someone with a photographic memory would remember Alex's memory as being ridiculously good-looking.

After the commercial break, Paul admits that he had trouble sleeping, due to Nicole's muttering of non sequiturs like "Who jumped the caramel corn?" and "Why do fools fall in London ?". Craig, as expected, broke his cot... But at least it didn't choke him, so this was an improvement overall. Paul, meanwhile, forms a coalition with Marcie in order to share information with each other. Marcie's keen on the idea because, as a mom, she is great at reading people's faces for guilt. Thankfully, the "I'm a traitor" look is exactly the same as the "I started a kitchen fire" look.

Upon receiving a challenge invite from Jonderson via PSP-knockoff, Alex and Paul drive the crew to the beach. Bobby says that Alex and Paul have "the dumbest coalition ever," because everyone knows about it already. In comparison, Bobby is much more subtle. His coalitions are so secret that not even his allies know about it.

Part 3: "Something Borrowed..."

The team arrives at the challenge and some of the players are wearing hats. Jonderson asks them to pick the biggest whiner. They unanimously choose Nicole, of course. Nicole says she doesn't whine; she merely voices her opinions which just happen to be negative tirades against reality. Anyway, the next challenge is based on yet another story from history, because the non-union writers are unable to come up with anything remotely original. Jonderson tells them that Alexander Selkirk, the basis for the Robinson Crusoe story, was exactly the same way as Nicole. He whined so much that his crew stranded him on a desert island.

The other contestants suddenly seem more interested in this challenge now.

Of course, Nicole didn't spend 5 years in Whiny Medical School to be called missus, thank you very much. Dr. Whiner has the responsibility to elect:
-6 Scavengers (Craig, Bobby, Marcie, Alex , Victoria , & Clay)
-3 Appraisers (Kristen, Liz, & Mark)
-2 Time-Keepers (Paul & Ali)

In this challenge, the team has to find five items on the beach that Selkirk had with him in 1704. The Scavengers will bring the items to the Appraisers, who will decide which five items are correct. They will ring a bell and present their guess to Jonderson. They only get three guesses, however, and the game is over when the giant hourglass runs out of sand. The Time-Keepers' jobs is to keep refilling the giant sand timer, to keep the challenge going.

The challenge begins and it is, as Mark puts it, a train wreck. First, we have the Scavengers bringing back every single item on the beach, even the ones that the folks on Lost couldn't have, let alone Alexander Selkirk. Of course, some of the Scavengers are having trouble walking, so bringing back items is out of the question. Craig has chosen to die of asphyxiation on every challenge this season, and Bobby looks allergic to the sand.

At least he's not one of the Time-Keepers, who are pretty much worthless. Paul and Ali quickly seem to realize that they can't compete with gravity, and Paul eventually opts to lie down and rest. Ali’s strategy is to keep screeching “Paul! Paul!” until the challenge is over. The Appraisers, meanwhile, are debating whether Selkirk had a victrola. Liz is convinced he did, so they ring the bell and make their first guess. The whole thing seems like it was borrowed from pricing game One Away from The Price is Right. I can hear them now.

"Jonderson, do we have 1 item right?"

*honk*

"Jonderson, do we have 2 items right?"

*dead silence*

They get 1 item right on their first guess, and settle on the goat being correct. Liz realizes that she probably confused Robinson Crusoe with Swiss Family Robinson, which actually makes a lot of sense. Frickin' whiny family. The Appraisers ring the bell a second time and gets 3 items correct. Seeing that they're pretty much screwed, with Paul laying on the beach and Craig & Bobby receiving CPR, they just throw a couple other items on the table and ring the bell a third time.

Let's see how they did! The Appraisers chose two firearms, both a revolver and a musket, since Selkirk was obviously a card-carrying member of the NRA. The musket is correct, but the revolver was invented a little too late. The Bible and the goat were also correct items. Not surprisingly, the final item (blue jeans) was wrong. They may as well have selected an iPod as their final item. Every history teacher in America should know that Cortes and Magellan weren't traversing the world in blue Levis .

Paul ruefully exclaims, "I coughed up a lung for blue jeans!" Europeans everywhere know exactly how Paul feels. In spite of the blue jeans, the team added another $15K to the pot, bringing the total to $35,000. The final two items were some tobacco in a box and a copper tea kettle. Combined with the goat, musket, and Bible, it's clear that Selkirk had more luxuries than most Survivor contestants.

The host reveals that Dr. Whiner has to be left on the beach tonight. Before Nicole tries to find another loophole, Jonderson says she, Nicole, has to stay at that beach all night, whether she sleeps or not. That beach. There. No, not at the hotel. There. The beach. Everyone else (but not Nicole) gets to stay at the hotel. Alex and Paul decide to compare notes, and Paul prods him for a Top 3. Alex isn’t really budging very much, aside from voicing a suspicion of Marcie, which is pretty much everything Alex says anyway.

Part 4: "...Some Hidden Clues"

The players join Jonderson for their final dinner before taking the quiz. Everyone's really enjoying themselves tonight, which reminds Jonderson that Nicole is missing. Craig says he wishes she were there so he could get more info from her... As well as her, ahem, bread pudding. Marcie says she isn't ready to go home yet, which is generally the kiss of death on reality TV shows. The host polls the group to see who feels confident going into this quiz, and no one raises their hand. Jonderson then proposes a toast to the players, describing the drinks as "delicious" and "habit-forming."

Dear gawd, people. Is being a closet alcoholic a requirement for hosting this show? It makes one wonder whether Stone Stanley had the job interviews at an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting.

Mark says the quiz is scarier than any challenge possible. Him being a teacher, this is the most delicious piece of irony ever. Mark then gives a heart-melting speech about how he and his wife have both been working two jobs since they've known each other. He'd like to win this game, so she can spend some more quality time with the kids. It's either that, or it’s an attempt to push his 1950s-era view of the household on his wife. Either way, Mark wants to be the family's Sugar Daddy.

It's now time for the quiz! Ten questions about the Mole.

1. Is the Mole a boy or a girl?
A. Boyly boy
B. Girly girl

2. When did the Mole jump over the falls in the "Over the Falls" mission?
A. 1st
B. 2nd
C. 3rd
D. 4th
E. 5th
F. 6th
G. 7th
H. 8th
I. 9th
J. 10th
K. 11th
L. The Mole hung out with Jonderson instead.

3. During the "Crusoe" mission, which group did The Mole join?
A. Exhausted Beach Goers
B. 18th Century Antique Dealers
C. Gravity Fighters
D. The Mole was too whiny to join a team.

4. On the first night, where was The Mole assigned to sleep?
A. 5-star cabin
B. 2-star backyard

5. As it's written on The Mole's bag, does The Mole have an even or odd number of letters in their name?
A. Even
B. Odd
C. I've run out of fingers to count the letters.

6. What is the Mole's age?
A. A small number
B. A big number
C. It’s the number of years that have passed since the Mole, whoever he/she may be, has been born.

7. In "Over The Falls," what was the outcome of The Mole's jump?
A. Miserable failure
B. Epic win
C. The Mole was still hanging out with Jonderson.
D. Frickin’ waterfalls!

8. Did The Mole drive one of the vans to the beach?
A. Yes
B. No
C. Click here to improve your credit score!

9. At the start of the "Crusoe" mission, was The Mole wearing a hat?
A. Yes, because Morocco Mole always wore a fez.
B. No, because the above answer is stupid.
C. No, you're stupid.
D. Well, your mom's stupid.
E. Oh, snap.

10. Who is the Mole?
A. Alex
B. Ali
C. Bobby
D. Clay
E. Craig
F. Kristen
G. Liz
H. Marcie
I. Mark
J. Nicole
K. Paul
L. Victoria
M. Michael Boatman

With the quiz out of the way, the players take their seat for the first execution. Due to the absence of whining, Jonderson reminds them that Nicole still hasn't joined them. He conferences her into the meeting and he gives her the good news that she has automatically earned the game's first exemption. Nicole cackles evilly, knowing she has another week to annoy everybody. The other players suddenly have secret desires for a red screen tonight.

Jonderson explains that he will input each of their names into the computer, one at a time. If the screen turns green, they win another week of Dr. Whiner. If it turns red, they're the worst guesser of the group and are the Mole's first victim. Unlike previous seasons where the host would type in the names, Jonderson has a touchscreen. Normally, one would call Shenanigans at this change, but it's for the better. Remember having to sit through F-R-E-D-E-R-I-Q-U-E for an entire season, especially with Ahmad's subpar typing skills? Change welcomed.

Ali , Victoria , and Paul are the first three entered, in that order. Each get a green screen, as expected. The first execution is all about making the players squirm through 5-6 green screens before delivering doom. Bobby, therefore, gets a green screen as well. Mark is up next, in an attempt by the producers to raise his blood pressure another thirty points. His screen appears green, and blood begins flowing through his body again.

Next up is Marcie. As the camera zooms in on Marcie and she looks nervously at Paul, it's pretty clear she's toast. As we wait for her results, we wonder where she really went wrong. Was it her natural suspiciousness that isolated her from the others? Or did Paul lead her down a path of failure? Or was it simply bad guessing? Or a voodoo curse? Whatever it was, the screen flickers red and Marcie becomes the Mole's first victim.

Marcie leaves quietly with Jonderson and he escorts her into the Luxury Car of Doom. Before departing, she tells him that the game was extremely challenging, but she feels okay about it all. The touching “remembering the loser” knockoff music continues to play. Paul and Ali both shower compliments on her, and Craig bluntly states that it should've been Nicole instead.

Speaking of Nicole, she’s still stuck on the beach, preparing for her first night in the great outdoors. Good riddance. That's what she gets for messing with the Jonderson.

Next week on the Mole, if not canceled yet!
-Mark bikes up a hill for an exemption.
-Bobby gets pushed around in a wheelbarrow by Kristen.
-Paul pushes his socialized views regarding gender roles onto Bobby.
-Nicole threatens to kill someone in their sleep. No, really, she does.

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...And so, boys and girls, the Kingdom of Moletopia was thrust into a new era. A new era of challenges, and exemptions, and deceptions, and mistrustfulness. The kingdom has definitely evolved, but its roots have stayed the same. And the Molerons everywhere have been loving every single second of it.

Pooky is the Mole.