LAST EDITED ON 02-13-04 AT 09:07 PM (EST)

{Slow focus on the visitor's dugout in Cooper Stadium, located deep in the heart of downtown Moleville (Mayor: Dennis Rodman). It’s late dusk: there's just enough illumination to identify the location and make out the shadows of perhaps ten people sitting in the stands. The light towers are turned off, no vendor cries can be heard, and the scattered group is waiting in silence.}

{The scoreboard fizzles for a moment, and the letters 'PH' glow for about six seconds before the bulbs blow out. An unexpected figure slowly climbs the dugout steps, then heads for the microphone stand located at home plate, taking awkward, cautious practice swings with a bat decidedly more suited for stickball than baseball.}

{The bat breaks on the third swing.}

{The pinch hitter stops and stares at the stub in disbelief. Roger Clemens comes rocketing out of the home dugout, scoops up several bat fragments, and slings them at the owner's box. Distant cries of pain are heard from the heart of the shadows.}

{After taking a moment for listening to the last echoes, the pinch hitter casually tosses the stub into the stands, steps up to the microphone, and removes the attached remote. A quick point-and-click activates the JumboTron. A frozen image shows a few credits from The Bachelorette. A mutter of something dark, dangerous, and completely incomprehensible can be heard in the field level seats just before the recording quickly moves ahead to a blank, flickering screen.}

{The pinch hitter adjusts the height of the microphone, gets into a comfortable stance, and begins to speak.}

Everybody's made out who's going to make out, and we're not going to find out who won or lost for another week. You can all go home now.

{No one moves. A few whimpers emit from the owner's box.}

Look. This is a non-elimination inning. Sure, there's going to be a little bit of scoring -- nowhere near as much as we'll see on Survivor fairly soon, but some action -- and there's the usual chance of bloopers, bingles, and bunts. But really, nothing's going to happen here. It's just another sequence of foul balls -- and before anyone gets their gloves out, anything that leaves the playing field is going to be auctioned on Ebay. Can we just count this as my second, non-mandatory pre-Survivor effort and stop right here?

No?

Great... Roll recap sequence.

Last time on Celebrity Mole: Mark demonstrated major produce memory lapses, which should save him from being sent to the supermarket on emergency runs for oh, say, the rest of his life. The players showed they belonged in the 99th percentile of the California Achievement Tests (ninety-nine subtracted from one hundred, that is) by completely failing to recall both the number of continents and the name of the person they cheated off of to get through elementary school, which meant no one used their Phone A Blackmail Victim Lifeline and washed out well before reaching the magic $32,000. Tracey pocketed ten thousand dollars by giving Dennis an exemption, which had to be explained to him as a 'best three out of five series against the Wizards' -- a.k.a. an automatic win -- and was executed, taking the hopes, dreams, and Spidey-scores of hundreds of home players with her. And Mark, having made it to the end of the game, promised to come out a new person the next day. He did not say anything about coming out as an intelligent, comedic, insightful person who actually has a chance to capture our affection while having a shot at winning this game. But he might wear a cape. No idea why.

Angie (looking over the top of her sunglasses and putting on the worst femme fatale spy accent since (insert name of any James Bond movie here)): 'Av cahrse I'm de Mole...'

Mark (looking over the top of his sunglasses and putting on an accent that's just about 3,000 miles removed from the worst James Bond performance of all time in (insert name of any P.B. appearance in a J.B. movie here): 'Of course I'm the Mo'.'

Dennis (looking through his sunglasses and putting on the worst evil henchman half-mumbled, nearly-incomprehensible accent since -- wait, that's his normal speaking voice...): 'I am the Mole.'

One of them is probably right. Cue title sequence.

And we open with -- more darkened-room confessionals. Is anyone else starting to sense a trend?

Mark's first confessional-tell is a short (and therefore welcome) 'Whew!' Angie, however, is still having trouble escaping from kindergarten. Mentally. 'I'm in the fi-nals,' she c-t singsongs. 'I'm in the fi-nals...' It was bad enough when she did the K-I-S-S-I-N-G routine during halftime of the Super Bowl, but this in addition to your S-T-R-I-P-P-I-N-G in the second episode? That's it. Young lady, either go stand in the corner or take a nap. Alone.

Dennis c-ts us that he's going to miss Tracey, and that he thought she was the Mole. Had him fooled for a minute. You know the rules, Dennis: you must pick a new Mole before the start of the next episode, or you'll be automatically executed. (Wait a minute -- this is the next episode. Oh, well. Another Tracey FOMO bites the dust.)

Angie shows us her (temporary) tattoo with her lucky number 7 on it. It probably doesn't mean anything.

Mark promises to convince everyone tomorrow that he's the Mole, which is a sound strategy: his actions have become more Molish with each passing episode, and this is certainly the time to make one final push. He then follows this up with a slightly different, completely off-balance promise. 'Tomorrow morning, watch me. Superman. I will be in a cape.'

So that's it. Lex Luthor is the Mole. We can all go home now.

Or not, as Mark's promise turns out to be slightly off target. 'The game will no longer affect me,' he declares as the camera starts to pull back. 'The game will no longer affect me --!', as his arms start to wave in wild, near-mystic gestures, as the Foley people add in plenty of reverb, as --

-- the scene moves to the outdoors. And there's Mark. In a tight black tank-top. Red shorts with yellow fringe. Eye black with red trim painted around his sockets and trailing back to his ears, forming the world's first fifty-minute application mask. A white necklace. Sandals. And a long red cape.

'-- Henceforth, I shall be known as Mister Danger!...danger...danger!'

Um... Mark? The game has officially affected you. And Pick Boy's job is now in serious jeopardy.

Mark explains that Mr. Danger is one of his alter-egos (the others being Probable Mole, Complete Idiot, Challenge Drag, and the ever-popular Mystery Success), who's here to save the world and 'to do the things that Superman and Batman and all the other super-heroes can't do.' Which is exactly right. Clark and Bruce would have been completely incapable of letting this series reach the sixth episode. In particular, Bruce would have walked in, taken a quick look around, told everyone who the Mole was, declared the show as a waste of his time, and left. (Clark might have hung on for one episode just to make sure the crew got paid.)

Sometimes Mr. Danger can fly, sometimes he can't. Sometimes Mr. Danger can walk forward along a not-that-narrow beam to deliver tequila, but sometimes he can't. Apparently cameras are Mr. Danger's personal Kryptonite. But Mr. Danger is still a crimefighter. (Shot of Dennis violating several air pollution statutes with a bad cigar while Mr. Danger does nothing about it.) And the game is no longer affecting Mark -- because Mark no longer exists. Mark has vanished into the depths of his own psyche. The dominant personality is gone, and only a four-color fragment remains.

So that's it. Harvey Dent is the Mole. We can all go home now.

Or not, as the camera moves to Ahmad, who is wearing his cunning disguise of Not-Anderson and relaxing with one of Dennis' cigars (which Mr. Danger continues to do nothing about). He announces that the remaining two original players and the new figment have made it to the finals, careful not to make eye contact at any time. But -- before they get started -- he wants to give them something. No, not major doses of Thorazine: it's a little late for that and it only encourages splitting in MPDs anyway. Silver briefcases, one for each player. They Are Not To Be Opened. Under any circumstances. Not until Not-Anderson tells them to. (Okay, that's more of a condition than a circumstance.) Not even if the Time Infinity Gem is within and Mr. Danger needs it to save the world from having to watch this show for the full sixty minutes. No way. No how. No opening the briefcases. Because the briefcases could be very valuable to them. (Dennis guesses 'Money'? and is not answered.) Those briefcases must be kept with the players all day. Closed. Until Not-Anderson tells the players to open them. Period. Or else the moon will split apart to reveal a giant bird inside, which will then threaten the entire universe.

Everyone looks very confused by the instructions, and Mr. Danger seems to be on the verge of asking for a clarification -- but Not-Anderson, who still hasn't made eye contact, wishes a wonderful day upon his foes and dismisses them. And the SuperFriends, after pausing to let the Astonishingly Observant RedHead comment on the niceness of the villain's footwear, head back to the Hall Of Honor Bars with everyone unleashing their patented fake End Of Bad Cartoon Laugh, because not knowing who the Mole is -- is half the battle! And second-guessing yourself is the other half! Go, SuperFriends! Go forth and do battle with temptation!

The Astonishingly Oblivious RedHead c-ts us that forbidding her to do something only makes her more tempted to do it -- Angie, I hereby forbid you to travel back in time and talk yourself out of going on this show -- then openly wonders if they're not even allowed to peek. (Apparently TAR's powers do not include X-ray vision, but do give her the ability to create a protective shield of temporary deafness in the presence of direct statements.) 'One quick look', she tells us in c-t, and retires to the Fortress Of BoTox.

'I figure that I should know if it's gonna be that great', PierceMan c-ts us. 'Something like a double-oh seven type of mission.' And he retires to the Fortress Of Spice Channel.

Mr. Danger, on the alert for cameras that might pick up his failed flying attempts (and completely missing all of them, subjecting us once again to the pitiful efforts of the Greatest American Zero), knows only that there's something in the briefcase that he's not aware of -- and it can't be an exemption. This narrows it down to every other object in the universe which could conceivably fit inside a briefcase, still constituting a major start for the DudNight Defective. And he retires to the Fortress Of Solitude, wanting to take a peek inside. (After the eligible females of his home planet see this particular bit of footage, every bedroom he enters is going to be the Fortress Of Solitude.)

Out to the SuperTaxi, where Mr. Danger claims to have taken that illicit glance, followed by his best 'I am on the verge of switching sides -- but the game is not affecting me!' laugh -- and the SuperFriends head for their next challenge, briefcases in tow.

Not-Anderson, wearing his cunning disguise of the seventh stupid hat in the series, is waiting for the Torpid Trio by the edge of a lagoon and takes temporary custody of the briefcases. Mr. Danger wants to know how they'll be sorted back to their custodians later, and Not-Anderson points out that Mr. Danger's briefcase has an identifying scratch. Mr. Danger claims 'Kryptonite did that.'

The Astonishingly Quick With Comebacks RedHead, who has switched into her bikini costume in an attempt to be picked up by the smaller comic companies and any male in the vicinity, immediately says 'You're Kryptonite.' Well, yes. He is. Mr. Danger's body is composed of the seldom-seen TGIF Kryptonite, which causes all within its radius of effect (fifty yards and two hours) to suffer the loss of twenty percent of their intelligence and can only be reversed by leaving Mr. Danger's vicinity or switching to a channel other than FOX or one of their affiliates. Explains a lot, really.

Before Not-Anderson presents his foes with the next fiendish challenge, he requires that they adopt that honored SuperFriends tactic of dividing into two teams, neither one of which has a chance of accomplishing anything. The teams must be composed of two pop culture buffs and one person who likes to get to the bottom of things. After a quick look around for the original SuperFriends incarnation of Batman, who was often regarded as a real fan of getting the bottom of certain things, the heroes place Mr. Danger and PierceMan into the pop culture roles, while The Astonishingly Shunted Aside RedHead gets to head straight down. Way down.

The challenge works as follows: there are eight treasure chests on the floor of the lagoon, arranged in four pairs at four stations, spread out along a relatively short trail. (The trail has been marked out with a handy metal guiderail, so following the path from station to station shouldn't be a problem.) Each set of treasure chests has a life buoy floating on the surface above them, with a riddle written on it in classic 'Invisible Idiot' fashion.

(A quick sidebar while we put the JumboTron on Pause: 'Invisible Idiot' riddles are supposedly inspired by a rather literal-minded translator who once rendered the phrase 'Out of sight, out of mind' as those two words. The example given by Not-Anderson is 'Child Boulder=Kid Rock', quickly solved by The Astonishingly Quick On The Uptake RedHead. They require a touch of twisted logic and some ability to root out synonyms to solve, suggest that Spider Robinson might have found a second career in television writing, and would make a perfect superhero name for (insert the name of your favorite UTR Survivor player here, if you can actually remember who s/he is). Pressing Play...)

The pop culture buffs will be in a small boat on the surface, while the Astonishingly Wet RedHead walks the lagoon floor, towing the boat behind her via attached ropes. She can hear anything said on the surface, but the communication is one-way: only Not-Anderson can hear her. It's up to Mr. Danger and PierceMan to solve the riddles and save the pot -- for a correctly-solved riddle will give the answer to a question.

And what questions are those? Well, there will be one on each chest in the pair. Open the chest with the correct question on it, remove the contents (a bag containing – ideally -- a gold bar), place it into a basket for hoisting to the surface, and you add $10,000 to the pot. Open the wrong one, and no one who watched our heroes struggle through the elementary school quiz will be the least bit surprised.

Oh -- and since this is another one of Not-Anderson's villainous plots, the boat has four holes in it. If the boat sinks before The Astonishingly Hurried RedHead gets them to all four stations and completes the challenge, no money will be added to the pot, and the money will be donated to Central City for much-needed upgrades to Flash Museum security. (Again.)

The Astonishingly Concerned RedHead is shown the diving helmet (head and shoulders, constant air supply pumped in from the surface via trailing hose, no tanks, vest coverage for the torso, tow ropes attached to back of vest) she'll be wearing for the challenge, and immediately protests that she's not certified. True, but 'certifiable' is close enough. (Honestly, it's a pity Corbin and Stephen had to go home...) Not-Anderson then explains about choosing correctly between the pair of chests, and The Astonishingly Used To Public Display RedHead instinctively places her hands over a portion of her anatomy. (Actually, given her performance earlier in the series, maybe that should be 'counter-instinctively'. Hmm. Is this actually Angie, or has Clayface been brought in as a ringer? Well, we'll know once she gets underwater...)

The Astonishingly Phobic RedHead c-ts us that it's a scary challenge for her because she has a fear of the open ocean, which sounds oddly similar to her case of Montezuma's Revenge prior to the piñata challenge -- but goes underwater anyway (completely failing to dissolve into a spreading puddle of clay) and waits for the others.

Mr. Danger and PierceMan get into the boat, which contains two buckets for handy bailing. (These are mysteriously labeled 'Mogo Mogo' and 'Chapera', with the word 'Unused' on the bottoms.) As it turns out, the hull holes aren't that large, and can be partially blocked using their mutual power of Size Fifteens. And the buoys look even closer together from the water. It looks like all just might be well in Metropolis if our heroes can keep their wits about them.

Pity about that TGIF Kryptonite.

The Astonishingly Prone To Camera Shots From The Rear RedHead begins to tow the boat, Mr. Danger announces 'This is like a bad Disney movie!', Comcast immediately drops their bid to purchase Disney, and the game is on.

Not-Aquagirl forces herself forward, keeping up a constantly stream of chatter (which only Not-Anderson can hear) during which she manages to mistake underwater plants for jellyfish. Mr. Danger's radius also includes PierceMan, but the effect has left our tallest hero with enough wits to snag the first buoy and read off the riddle: 'Celebrity Battles.'

(pause to let those in the stadium work it out)

The Astonishingly Judgmental RedHead claims 'You morons! That's so easy!' (and does not move to open a chest) while her partners in crimefighting completely fail to work out the answer for several seconds -- but bailing the water that's leaked out from around their feet apparently stimulates the brain, because they do come up with the answer: Star Wars. Not-Anderson verifies it, and the Astonishingly Still With VHS RedHead now has to decide whether the movie came out in 1977 or 1979.

As it turns out, she has no idea what the proper question is. A quick c-t admission lets us know she's lousy at remembering anything having to do with years (or mathematics, or literature, or major land masses, quantity thereof) and was basically down to Eeny, Meanie, Miney, Mo. 'Mo' turns out to be 1979, and she removes the contents of that chest. PierceMan and Mr. Danger have somehow neglected to lower the basket, which leaves The Astonishingly Innovative RedHead trying to somehow hook the sack into the buoy’s rope -- until Not-Anderson, who's reached his amusement quota for that station, instructs her teammates to send the dumbwaiter down. (Off screen, several stagehands desperately restrain Stephen, who's mistakenly taken this for a cue.) The sack is easily hoisted up, and our human towing system continues along the rail, apparently having some trouble with the weight of the boat.

Mr. Danger doesn't quite have the lay of the not-land yet and can't find the next buoy, leading to the following exchange.

PierceMan (pointing behind Mr. Danger): 'Over there! The next one's over there!)

Mr. Danger: 'I'm Mr. Danger. I can't see behind me, only in front.' (Admittedly, that's still a pretty good power to have, especially when you consider that Ananda, Corbin, Stephen, Keshia, and Tracey all fell to the enemy because they lacked the ability to see what was right in front of them.)

Riddle #2 is 'Feline Forest'. (No pause here: you should be used to this by now.) PierceMan, recognizing the alias of a fellow hero, jumps to the solution immediately with a cry of 'Tiger!' The answer is indeed Tiger Woods, and Not-Aquagirl is instructed by Mr. Danger to 'Look for a black man who don't think he's black.' Unfortunately, as Michael Jackson did not win the Masters in either 1996 or 1997, Mr. Danger's advice is completely useless to The Astonishingly Misdirected RedHead, who once again must guess at the answer and winds up with 1997. This sack is surprisingly heavy, and Mr. Danger proves that super-strength is not among his powers while trying to get it into the boat. In fact, Normal strength might be a bit of a push. And we once again see that normal intelligence is impossible inside the TGIF field, as Mr. Danger gets the basket rope tangled up with Angie's tow rope, which in turn gets tangled with the helmet and threatens to yank the thing off entirely.

Will Mr. Danger's well-meaning exercise of his stupor power cause The Astonishingly At Risk RedHead to meet her doom? Or will it turn out that, several hours ago, Zan said the words 'Shape of -- a lagoon!' and is currently treating the whole thing as an exercise in erotica?

Or will it be none of the above, as Mr. Danger has a Kirby Moment -- 'Got -- to -- put -- in -- boat!’ -- and manages to get the basket to safety, making the boat visibly ride a little lower in the water. But Not-Aquagirl isn't out of danger yet: he continues to shift ropes around, claiming that he's assisting his teammate while causing her head to jerk backwards several times, putting the helmet’s seal integrity at risk and making us wish that we'd been shown the results. (Angie, back to herself in c-t, mentions it, but the producers don't bother to include it.) Not-Anderson, having his own diabolical plans for the heroine involving dinner, a movie, and an offer of an exemption in the next series in exchange for a quick skinny-dip on the beach, orders Mr. Danger to stop fooling with ropes. Mr. Danger c-t claims to know nothing about how much his efforts were distressing his supposed partner, then laughs.

And once again, we arrive at the first commercial break. And once again, that's right: the first commercial break. Seventh-inning stretch, people. There's plenty of room to extend your arms.

Mr. Danger is now helping to propel the boat by using his amazing power of Forcing Sub-Strength Arms Into Water To Pushing Liquid. (The position is interesting: he's essentially lying down on the back of the boat, looking straight up at the sky, arms dangling behind him.) He still can't see behind himself, though, and PierceMan has to alert him to the next buoy with a cry of 'Behind you, Mr. Danger!' This gives them Riddle #3: 'A Volkswagen’s Existence.' As PierceMan bails water, Mr. Danger tries to buy a vowel from Not-Anderson, who only laughs villainously -- but once again, it's PierceMan to the rescue with the word 'Bug!', and 'A bug's life' is quickly deduced from there. However, The Astonishingly Out Of It RedHead doesn't know if Kevin Spacey or Kelsey Grammer did voice work in the film, and winds up guessing again, letting PierceMan haul Fraiser's bag to the surface. (Mr. Danger is too worn out.)

Mr. Danger, bailing water, announces 'This is comedy'. (In the sense of 'Comedy equals fiasco plus distance', yes.) PierceMan's response is to drop the bag on Mr. Danger's foot.

With the last buoy in sight, PierceMan tells Mr. Danger to row. Mr. Danger adopts his Super Propel Position and starts splashing frantically, getting more water in the boat than the holes have let in over the last fourteen paragraphs. PierceMan tries to bail, but Mr. Danger's efforts are now starting to rock the boat, letting still more water in. Since the possibility of the devil dragging Mr. Danger under by the short threads on his chicken cape is now becoming very real, Mr. Danger activates his Super Bailing Mode, which does about as much good as the Super Propel: i.e. none. Despite his frantic attempts and the rather odd declaration that he 'feels like a Cuban', the boat continues to fill -- and his movements have taken his feet off the holes.

Not-Anderson announces 'You should never get two brothers from the hood in a rowboat', and Mr. Danger demonstrates why: a slow-motion shot shows him moving his bail bucket over the side of the boat, into the lagoon, scooping up water, and tossing it in the boat on the upsweep, clearly thinking that once he has Zan out of the way, Jan is all his. (Show of hands. How many people suspected Mr. Danger was into bestiality?) PierceMan reverts to Dennis in c-t and lets us know that he spotted the anti-bail efforts, then swings back into his heroic identity and mainstream camera time to says 'Excuse me, Gilligan -- what the (censored) do you think you're doing?', thus giving Mr. Danger still another alter-ego and leaving us with the sick prospect of their never getting out of this lagoon until the Harlem Globetrotters show up to save them.

Mr. Danger's response is to drop his bucket, lean back and to the side, tipping the boat and letting still more water in. Dennis, again back to normal (for a given value of ‘normal’) in c-t can't believe how obvious his supposed ally is making things. In mainstream, he's a little busy trying not to drown.

Mark takes back control of his body for a c-t moment -- just long enough to say 'Sabotage!' -- then gets back to pressing his weight against the sides of the boat and rocking it into the water. Of course, Mr. Danger is not entirely unhelpful: he instructs The Astonishingly Victimized RedHead to head towards Not-Anderson in order to reach the next buoy. Of course, Not-Aquagirl is underwater and does not possess the Find Imposter power, or she would have wrapped up this game several issues ago. She thus issues the following deathless instructions to Not-Anderson: 'Please tell Mark that he's stupid.'

Not-Anderson does, and Mr. Danger defends himself by declaring 'I was using telepathy!' Well, no. We were using 'Tell You're Pathetic.' And it was working just fine, thank you.

The Astonishingly Resigned RedHead concludes her teammates are useless (lagging about ten minutes behind the rest of us) and decides to use her underwater time to observe cool-looking fish.

Mr. Danger instructs Not-Costeau to walk under the boat and get back on track. The Astonishingly B.C. Channeling RedHead (fish got teeth!) claims that she can't find the boat. (Looking up along the tow rope is apparently not an option.) A quick c-t conclusion that there might be some sabotage going on is followed by her sitting on the nearest chest, tapping her fingers, and spending more time with the fish.

Meanwhile, back on the Surface Of Futility, Mr. Danger continues to rock the boat with his efforts to not rock the boat, fails to cover the holes with his feet, pushes down on the sides until more water tips in, and generally utilizes his only real superpower: Evaporate Money. PierceMan, completely out of options, reverts to Dennis -- who begins to play a pretty good (and timely) rendition of Taps into his cupped hands as the boat gets lower in the water.

Mr. Danger splashes Dennis with the bucket. The boat gets even lower in the water. Much lower. Much, much lower. (Off screen, several stagehands desperately restrain Mark Burnett, who's mistakenly seen this as an opportunity to file an image infringement lawsuit.) Mr. Danger tries to flee the sinking ship, which gives it the final tip. Everyone goes into the lagoon, Not-Anderson announces the end of the game, and Gotham City goes through an earthquake. (Again.)

Dennis, joining the Astonishingly Ahead Of The Pack RedHead in resignation, slowly sinks under the water. (Sadly, he does eventually come up again.) Mr. Danger climbs out of the lagoon, announces that he doesn't need a towel to dry off, and then demonstrates his power of Spinning Around While The Camera Speeds Up His Movements. (Sadly, he does not turn into Linda Carter.) This does have the welcome side-effect of getting Not-Anderson wet -- especially after Mr. Danger does a few cape-whips at the end -- but as it turns out, the villain is not vulnerable to water, and no melting occurs, except for a bit of self-confidence when Mr. Danger disses the fiend's shoes for the second time that day.

While no money will be added to the pot (which stands at $182,000), Not-Anderson wants to take a moment and review how little they would have won in the first place. The Astonishingly Wrong RedHead only got one question right of the three they reached: the Masters tournament victory year. (Angie recognizes -- or remembers -- Kevin Spacey when Not-Anderson pauses before revealing the answer.) The briefcases are passed back, and our heroes revert to their civilian identities before going into c-t to play the blame game. The Astonishingly Overexposed RedHead turns back into Angie. PierceMan became Dennis before going in the water. Mr. Danger allows Mark to take control once again. Ahmad, always and forever, is Not-Anderson.

Mark c-t finds it extremely suspicious that Angie, as something of an actress herself, wouldn't know about what other actors were doing with their roles. Sure, Mark, as long as you consider what Angie does to be acting…

Angie c-t declares that Mr. Danger's only power was to sabotage the game. (That's absolutely right, Angie: it's a power. You didn't think it was possible to get things that wrong without superhuman effort, did you?) Dennis also believes Mark was trying to sink the boat, while Mark accuses Dennis of not keeping his size fifteens over the holes at all times. (Then again, given the sheer amount of water being channeled into the boat by Mr. Danger's Sinkinesis, some movement was necessary... and in fact, a quick camera shot shows Pierceman shifting a foot to get enough room for a bucket scoop near the hull.)

One more quick c-t accusation of Mark's Moledom by Angie, and the group moves off with Not-Anderson reminding them that there's more to come -- and of course, not to forget the briefcases -- with the word 'sabotage' echoing in the air.

'Only three people,' Dennis c-ts. 'Not that difficult.' That's right, Dennis: it's not very hard to count to three. Good work!

Later, back at the Hotel Of Location Shots, it's time for a late lunch.

Mark finally has their lack of financial improvement sink in as he makes notes in his journal (available now on Ebay -- can you get it shipped before the final episode airs? Take the USPS challenge!) and accuses Angie of assisting in Not-Anderson's evil plot. Dennis, who had the 'dinner' and 'movie' parts down, but was foiled by his lack of offerable exemption, declares that Angie was just sitting around with her legs crossed and having a good time. (There were times when he was looking over the side to spot Angie, so he would have seen her fish-watching period.) Angie, also taking notes, sarcastically tells Dennis that yes, she was having a great time. After all, for raw entertainment value, there’s nothing quite like listening to the pointless ramblings of celebrities making themselves out to be complete idiots. That’s why we showed up, right?

Mark thinks of a possible quiz question: 'Was the Mole breathing hard afterwards or not?' Angie tells Mark he has no idea how hard it was down there. (True again, Angie, but it's not like sinking the boat required no effort.) Mark's response is to ask Angie whom she thinks the Mole is, and she immediately points directly at him. Mark looks shocked that his plan worked so well, then admits that at one time, he suspected everybody. Angie looks mildly offended at Mark's blatant theft of her first theory, and asks who he thinks the Mole is now. Mark's almost-equally immediate (after a quick windup of the accusatory arm) is 'You!'

Angie seems mildly surprised, and asks Dennis for his opinion. This, word for word, is 'Me. You. Him. You. Us. Whatever,' which seems to have every possible base covered until he adds 'It's one of you two guys' and effectively eliminates himself from the running, at least for the moment. (Dennis c-t feels that this is the easiest part of the game, because he doesn't have to think too hard. After all, there's only three people in the game. Yes, 'Only three people now'. Dennis seems to be very focused on the number three. Apparently he hasn't been paying much attention to all those 7's floating around the set.)

Mark's c-t feeling is that Angie has done something wrong in every game: either in sabotaging it outright or losing some amount of money, things just seem to have centered around Angie. Plus, as a supermodel, he doesn't even think he and Dennis minded that much. Knock them into the water, give out lies about the South Central stone, cost them $10,000 here and $50,000 there, set their beds on fire -- it's okay, as long as she does it in full view with optional skinny-dip for that extra-full view. It’s like getting a copy of the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue for only $120,000!

Angie is actually c-t thinking along the same lines as many of us: that Dennis is too unpredictable for any of the other contestants to see the producers choosing him as the Mole -- which just might make him the best suspect. Dennis never took the lead, never really directed -- he just followed and got in the way. This is amazingly observant for Angie. And, like many of us, she stands a good chance of being amazingly wrong. Or even Astonishingly.

Mark c-t displays his knowledge of where the true power lies by saying 'Angie, you're the Mole. Dennis, you're the Mole. That way, I'll never be wrong.' (Looking at the cameraman.) 'Just edit that.' (Apparently flattery got him nowhere.)

And now, it's time for the last game of the season. The players, blindfolded and carrying their briefcases, are brought into a room. The wall behind them has several familiar-seeming photos on five panels, but the camera doesn't initially linger on them long enough to get a good impression of the array. The briefcases are put down, the blindfolds are removed, Mark notes how bright Not-Anderson's shoes are, and the typical division of forces occurs: the players have to decide who's the fastest, who has the best memory, and who's good at cleaning up. Mark declares that his memory isn't the best, especially as it's compartmentalized between six personalities, and offers to clean up. Angie takes the memory position, assigning the speedster role to Dennis. (A Flash joke could have gone here, but it's the wrong half of the episode.)

There are twenty-seven photos on the previously-noted wall (another quick linger, and the first panel is looking really, really familiar), and the trio is given one minute to memorize them.

The camera goes to the wall and stays there. The first panel has a picture of ---

-- Anderson. Right at the top.

Wow. Anderson on the Mole again. Just a picture, I know, just for a brief moment, but still – there’s so many memories here…

Excuse me. I've got to go into the dugout for something. Be right back.

(silence)

(more silence)

(a distant sound which might be someone blowing their nose after a short crying jag, but probably isn't)

(more silence)

Honestly -- looking at the last two sets of players he would have had to deal with -- he's better off.

The first panel is for the Mole's 'normal' seasons. Anderson, as host, is at the top. Below him are Katherine and Steven (Mole and winner, season #1), then Bill and Dorothy (ditto and likewise, season #2).

Mark c-t admits that he had no idea who the first group was, but could ID the second, because that panel is for the Celebrity seasons (and he watched the first of those): Not-Anderson at the top, Freddie and Kathy below (ibid and echo), then two pictures with facial silhouettes and question marks to indicate the future winner and saboteur for this season. Panel #3 is the executed players in the order they exited (with another question-mark outline in the bottom right position, for the future final victim), while #4 and #5 show the games from the current season, in the order they were played.

Once the memorization time runs out, the players will be removed from the room, and the photos will be taken down. Dennis, as the fastest, will be the first in the room, with one minute to place as many photos in their original position as possible. Mark, on cleanup duty, goes second and gets sixty seconds to correct Dennis. Angie, claiming the best memory, finishes the process by correcting Mark. Each correctly-placed photograph is worth $2,000 to the pot. A misplaced one subtracts nothing.

That's it. No fooling around beyond some attempts to speak during the minute (for which Not-Anderson threatens to fine them if silence isn't resumed immediately), everyone heads outside, and then Dennis goes back in for his minute.

And once again, we are reminded that a former NBA player can lose more money before 10:00 p.m. than most people lose all day (right, Mr. Jordan?) as Dennis manages to place only nine photographs within his allotted time -- with just one of those being correct, indicated to us by a quick electronic tone as he places it. (Interestingly, it's the question mark that identifies the Mole for the current season.)

Mark's turn, and he's going in with a strategy: memorizing pairs. As in 'Stephen is to Keshia as a really nauseating thought is to a quick dive for the sink' -- wait. He was just going with which pictures were next to each other. But that results in his actually saying 'Keshia's picture is next to Baldwin's, so Keshia and Baldwin are married.' And if anyone needs to worship Ralph after that statement, I understand completely. Come back once the taste is out of your mouth.

Regardless of the pain it induces in the audience, this tactic is a distinct improvement over Dennis' 'slap it against the wall and wait to see if the rebound goes left or right', and Mark gets nine photos into their correct position (out of eleven placed) before his time runs out. His problem is with panels #4 and #5, as he c-t claims not to have realized they represented the games. And, given the way he’s performed in most of the games, it’s quite possible that he didn’t recognize them for what they were. Or remember that they were games at all, since Challenge Drag, Probable Mole, and Complete Idiot were taking turns at the time.

Angie comes into the room and as Bach plays in the background, she goes to work fixing as many mistakes as she can spot. The side of the wall she was initially facing after the turn-and-inspect comes easily, but the order of the games is harder, because, as she tells us, 'After so many days, it was all sort of jumbled together'. (Which also explains her sterling performance in the grade school quiz during the last episode. There were a lot more days involved.) Still, her performance equals that of both men combined: ten photos correctly placed (with all photos somewhere on the panels), for a total of twenty right out of the twenty-seven and $40,000 added to the pot, which now stands at $222,000.

The players are led back into the room, and the performances are reviewed. Mark c-t thinks Dennis is making a last-ditch attempt to make himself into a viable Mole candidate, and since this is a man who can memorize the fifty plays run by each and every NBA team, not to mention the shooting and rebound direction tendencies of every starting player and the most frequent substitutes on those teams, plus who he's married, who he's gotten divorced from and how many samples are on his coffee table for his next wedding dress, Mark may have a point here.

And now, Part #2 of the game begins. Not-Anderson reminds the players of the briefcases that were given out that morning -- currently arrayed on a narrow table in front of them -- and finally tells them what's inside: a chart of the game they just played. And, of course, that he told them not to open the briefcases. If the players did not, in fact, open the briefcases, the money they just won will be doubled. If anyone did take a look, no additional money will be added to the pot, but they won't lose anything for a potential cheat, either.

And how will he know if they looked? No, not singe marks on their fingers from an electric shock: they’re saving that for the season when they finally go back to normal contestants. Since the chart was printed on photographic paper, the evidence should be easy to establish. A briefcase which remained closed will have the paper stay white after being treated with photo developing chemicals. If the paper was exposed to light, it'll turn black during the process. If the briefcase was opened and inspected in total darkness with the aid of night-vision goggles, the player is way ahead of the game and there's nothing anyone can do about it. And since Dennis has starred in movies which had access to props for that kind of equipment, some of which might have been functional, a covert inspection cannot be completely ruled out. Plus they're on the wrong network for Grissom to help out. (Okay, so the evidence isn't that easy to establish. But they'll run with what they have.)

Let's have a sidebar while the JumboTron is on Pause.

What do they say in the opening credits every week? Beyond the 'I am the Mole' and 'celebrity' coming out in surprisingly normal tones, which must have required about sixty takes before the laughter stopped breaking in. The pot goes up to $250,000. No higher. Potentially much, much lower. The pot does not go over that amount -- and we're at $222,000 right now. If none of the three opened the briefcase, the pot goes to $262,000 and the opening credits, that last stronghold of partial truth (beyond the 'celebrity' claim) are proven false at last. And if that happens, there won't be anything the viewers can trust. And they'll never watch again.

And let's look at the money situation for a moment. The prior game of the day was worth up to $40,000, and this current one, baring Mole sabotage (hah!), could have been $54,000 before the doubling set in. Potentially, the pot could have been at $276,000 before the paper was developed. The Mole had to do something to guarantee money would be kept out of the pot...

Or they could have just crossed their fingers on human (and Dennis) nature taking over, then stood ready to mortgage their homes as needed. (Hmmm. Wonder where that Ebay journal money was originally supposed to go?)

Regardless, someone has opened the briefcase, because the producers and budget mavens are not going to hand out more money than they planned for, and something has to be saved for the inevitable bribes to the local police force, or else they’re never dropping those charges against Stephen for assault on the stagehands. (Mark Burnett reportedly offered a ‘Survivor: Mexico’ series and was immediately escorted to the capital under heavy guard.)

Let's see who the Peeping Thom(asina) is, shall we? Pushing Play...

Not-Anderson collects the briefcases and heads for the darkroom. The players let the miracle of editing cut their wait short while leaving us to suffer through the commercials, and we return to a shot of the darkroom and developing process. The third piece of paper shown being dipped in the tray goes black.

So that's it. Omarosa is not the Mole, because no one wants to risk that lawsuit. We all have to stay here.

And so we do, as the briefcases are returned to the players. Not-Anderson instructs Mark to open his briefcase, and since this is as close to an execution as we're going to get...

(brief pause that is only dramatic for those few remaining souls who think the votes are not arranged in the urn before Jeff pulls them out.)

Mark's paper is still white -- and that's all it is: a blank white sheet. The briefcase, opened from this facing, doesn't show the photo chart: Mark has to pick it up and display the picture arrangement on the other side. Angie's turn.

(extremely brief pause while everyone tries to figure out just what facing the briefcases were mostly likely to be opened from)

Angie's paper remains white. The Inquisition moves straight to Dennis.

(virtually no pause whatsoever, but it's just enough time to realize that the producers may have played a trick here. We could have been shown a piece of paper turning black just to show how it would have worked if someone had taken a peek. False lead. Another dead-end clue. They might be about to go over budget after all. I could blow two major predictions in one season. No one's ever going to let me do the Race...)

Dennis' paper is solid black on the initially exposed side, with the photo array still visible on the other. His initial reaction is 'What?', which is quickly followed by an explanation of 'What?'

Not-Anderson: 'You opened it?' (Yes, I think we've established that.)
Dennis: 'Just a little bit.' (Hmmm. Is it possible he opened it just enough to spot a blank sheet of paper, figured there was nothing to see, and closed it immediately?)
Not-Anderson: 'You just opened it a little bit?' (What is this, the fourth season of Ally McBeal?)
Dennis: 'Yep.' (Objection! Harassing the witness!)
Not-Anderson: 'You know what the worst thing about it is. You opened it, and you only got one right.' ('Come on, Dennis! You've been virtually under the radar up until now, and you play the last act like a third-grader trying to pull off Hamlet? What's wrong with you?')
Dennis: 'I know.' ('Did you see how close they were getting to the pot's limit? I had to do something.')
Not-Anderson: 'You didn't study it enough?' ('Sure, I can understand that. And since my pay is whatever money they don't get, believe me, I'm thankful. But still...')
Dennis: 'Oh no.' ('Don't try to pin this all on me, wise guy. If you'd told me the memory position was going to be the last one in, I would have messed up everyone else's pictures in the final minute. You made me think 'fastest' was the cleanup hitter! As-was, everyone had time to correct me! No wonder you're stuck hosting this stupid show. I wouldn't trust you within sixty miles of a torch. You'd set the whole island on fire!')

Mark and Angie are c-t suspicious of all this, with Mark in particular not seeing how Dennis could study the array and only get one right in the end. And Dennis, in subtitled c-t (apparently translated from NBAese for your protection), says 'People say, why'd he open the brief... Why that dumb son of a gun open the briefcase knowing that he shouldn't a did it? That's a part of the game, right? You manipulate it, you uh, you do what you gotta do to try to throw the game in a big twist.'

Having just explained the final decade of his NBA career, Dennis goes on with 'I've already saw the answers. I saw the answers. I knew where the, uh, the folders were.'

And having just explained his performance on the final challenge to -- well, to someone, we move back out to mainstream filming, where Not-Anderson asks Dennis to apologize for keeping $40,000 out of the pot even as the producers plan a party in his honor. Dennis shuffles awkwardly for a moment, then says 'Yeah, I apologize' --bringing laughter from Angie and Mark, both shocked at the first-time sorry -- and everyone heads for dinner. Several phones can be heard ringing in the background as numerous NBA general managers immediately phone the show in hopes of catching Dennis on an apology streak, but they go ignored.

Mark c-t moves off Angie as his primary Mole suspect after her strong performance in the final game, and wonders if Dennis sleeps under his bed, given that moles sleep underground. No idea, Mark. Take a peek and see if there's a poster of Raquel Welch there, then throw a stone at it.

Not-Anderson commends the others on their stamina and perseverance. Angie adds 'Luck' to the list of necessary qualities, and c-t observes that 'I made it to the Finals! Woo-hoo! Without dying!' (Yes, Angie. We noticed. Why do you think we were rooting so hard for Mr. Danger when he started fooling around with the ropes?)

A quick review of the three positions available -- winner, final victim, and Mole -- and we head outside for the final quiz. Twenty questions, overseen by several oversized tiki torch heads (Hi, Corbin!), some of which go back to the beginning of the game. As all questions were not shown, the missing ones once again had to be dubbed in under the DOPE system.

1. Is the Mole male or female?

2. Wanna bet?

3. Rounded off to the nearest ten thousand dollars, how much has the Mole spent to fund plastic surgery, tattoo art, body piercings, and/or accent training?

4. What role did the Mole play in the 'Artifact or Fiction' game?

5. Given that Angie was lying about nearly buying a fertility piece during that game, is she currently interested in acquiring one?

6. What Ebay category would such a piece be listed under?

7. In which piñata was the Mole stuffed during the 'Piñata Party' game -- or was the Mole in a piñata at all?

8. Is the summary writer still feeling deep disappointment after that game ended with no fatalities, no injuries, and nothing even faintly resembling the greatest bloodbath in reality show history, or has it been replaced by joy at Randi's suffering during My big, fat obnoxious fiancé?

9. In the maze game, was the Mole a navigator or a runner?

10. Did the Mole earn money for the pot during the 'Tequila Shooters' game?

11. What was the Mole's role during the 'Still Life' painting game?

12. How much would Mick Jagger be willing to pay for Angie's unintentional portrait of him?

13. During the 'Donkey Rally' game, was the Mole a member of team Paco or team Pepe?

14. After the 'Donkey Rally' game, did the Mole attempt to get a date with Paco or Pepe?

15. Has the Mole received an exemption during this season?

16. Has the Mole received a trophy during the postseason?

17. Will the Mole receive a death threat from the viewers if they try to come back for the next season?

18. Why didn't the summary writer remember to tell you that the final game of the season was called the 'Flashback' game until just before it became important?

19. What role did the Mole play during the 'Flashback' game?

20. Who is the Mole?

Well…

Angie: 'I'm not the Mole.'

Mark: 'Come on. I'm not the Mole. Do I look like a Mole?'

Dennis: 'Take it for what it's worth: I am not the Mole. Nope, nope, not at all. Nuh-uh.'

So that's it. There's no one left. Therefore, I'm the Mole. We can all move on to the last episode now.

Peace, over and out.

{The pinch-hitter puts the microphone back on the stand and silently heads off the field. The ten people in the stands sit quietly, staring at the frozen credits on the JumboTron. And the final sound before the last bit of light fades is a pain-filled voice from the owner’s box. ‘So when does the regular one get off the disabled list again?’}
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(Special thanks to FTM poster Bert, who called Ahmad Not-Anderson in a reply to my first summary. It stuck.)
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(Bonus c-t quote from Dennis, said during the closing credits and too good to leave out. 'If I won two hundred and twenty-two thousand dollars...' (raises one hand, partially spreads the fingers, and starts ticking them off) 'State tax... government tax... wife... ex-wife...' (brief pause, then goes to the thumb) 'Five kids...' (does quick calculation) 'How would I feel? Broke.')