Announcer: Previously on Celebrity Mole: Hawaii (everyone collectively holds breath) the waterfall game, sheep game (with another shot of Erik getting butted by a sheep and Corbin falling on the ground), Kim executed, plane game, whiny I won't jump off a cliff b/c my wife won't let me game, dinner--Corbin whining, Stephen gone, old man in black dress socks with a wife beater and khaki shorts on looking for loose change in the sand w/a metal detector game, Piss off PETA and hot pepper game, Corbin gone, hula and surf game, find the restaurant game, Michael Boatman gone, Colombia Guerrilla game, Porn Head Mistress Scavenger Hunt, and Final Quiz(Everyone Exhales!) Thought they were going to pull a Joe Millionare on us.
Out steps, Ahmad Rashad.
AR: "Welcome to Celebrity Mole:Hawaii. The results of the final computerized quiz have been tabulated and later we will reveal the winner and who is the mole."
Everyone shudders for fear of the sentence, "Later we will reveal…."
We are then introduced to the little closets that the producers have built and kept the last three contestants in since the filming ended 6 months ago.
AR: "The final players are: Erik von Detten", camera goes to Erik curled up in a ball sucking his thumb in the closet; "Frederique van der Wal," who is flipping her hair and saying 'I am a mah-dul, and I am…'; camera then pans to…"and Kathy Griffin" where she is stiff and mumbling to herself while rocking back and forth because she has been spending the last 6 months telling witty jokes and having no one to laugh at them.
AR: "The players left have all had their suspicious moments and we are going to go over them now:"
Clips of Erik being molish ensue:
--people talking about how they think Erik is the mole
--peeking in the coffin
--they then show a bunch of pictures of him smiling and swooning because really they don't have much more on him.
Then clips of Frederique being molish :
--confessionals about players thinking Frederique is the Mole
--Frederique hanging in the waterfall and yelling "I'm a mah-dul, Don't push me aghanst the rohks"
--in the submarine, her not saying "American Beauty"-(yep, that is the clincher)
--not eating a pepper-(wait, let me change my vote, this one is the clincher for me, she is now the mole)
Then clips of Kathy:
--Kathy doing her rendition of "Sheep: The Ballet," and pirouetting around
--not surfing-(that is sooo molish behavior--a non athletic person not being able to do something athletic)
--then throwing the 3 Questions game by answering Frederique for all the questions
--oh, and there were some confessionals for her too
AR: "It has now been 6 months, and lets welcome our other 4 players."
Kim, Stephen, Corbin, and Michael all enter and seem to be in mourning over their careers b/c they are all wearing black for the show. For a second I thought that TLC had made a new show "A Funeral Story" b/c AR was dressed in a red shirt and black suit as well.
AR then proceeds with the question segment of the show.
AR: "Did you think this was as hard as you thought it was going to be?"
CB(Corbin): "Yes"
MB(Michael): "Yes"
SB(Stephen): "The whole thing's whack"-(this was not a quote put in by me, this is what he actually said)
KC(Kim): "Oh, you are going to talk to me? I thought I was going to be the Pastor John, Peter, Diane, Debb of this show….uhhh…..abut it being hard…." AR interrupts.
AR: (to the group) "You are waiting for me to say that there is another twist to the game?"
Players: "yeah"
****Caution, what is about to happen is AR's attempt at a witty comeback. There are many of these sprinkled throughout the show. If you are pregnant, have a heart condition, are not at least this tall to ride, or are a robot, please do not look at the next statement by AR. This is just a warning.*******
AR: "Well, I'm not going to say that." (he smiles)
And there it was. An AC attempt.
AR: "Now that you have seen the shows, who do you all think is the Mole?"
SB: "Erik is the mole, Fred is the winner"
CB: "Kathy is the Mole, Erik wins"
MB: "Fred is the Mole, Kathy is the winner"
KC: "I think that Fred is….." she is interrupted by CB: "I think I should have been the mole and Stephen the winner"
**Caution witty attempt**
AR: "I think that is the way that it should have been too." (he smiles)
AR invites us back after the commercial.
Commercial of an "over 40" couple doing a "Blind Date" show on 'Primetime Thursday.' I can see it now, thought bubble saying, "7p.m.!!! Matlocks is on TBS in 5minutes!"
AR: "Welcome Back. Time to find out who is the Mole and who is the Winner. Before we find out who the Mole was, lets see who the winner is." AR looks to the closets while the camera looks in on the three remaining players and AR instructs the players to: "Place your hands on the sesame street digital hand scanner. (looks to audience) This same scanner can be bought online at ABC.com and comes with light up display and the same muffled pipe-being-unclogged-with-a-plunger noise that you will now hear. Great for Birthdays and fake lie detector pranks. Batteries not included. (looks back to closets) The hand scanners will only "recognize" (kinda like tabulate) the winner and allow only their door to open."
Meanwhile, a glimpse of stagehands are shown reaching over the top of the closets and using hooks and string to put the players hands on the scanner.
The scanners light up, a muffled pipe-being-unclogged-with-a-plunger noise is heard.
AR: "Winner, Reveal yourself."
In swoops The Phantom on a rope, maniacally laughing as he swings away just as quickly as he swung in.
Green light shines on the door, a stage hand hits the winner with a cattle prod to make them stand up, the handle turns and out comes….
Kathy Griffin!!! Still stone faced and instinctively walking to what she recognizes, another stone face, Ahmad.
KC SHRIEKS!, MB whoahs, CB/SB laugh.
AR: "Congrats."
Kathy Griffin(KG) comes to and says: "Are you sure? I'm the winner??"
Being a true DAW CB yells out "I knew it." Of course, if you look above, your desperate DAWness attempt is revealed. New SB DAW level: " 'I knew it' Hindsight Guy."
AR: "Time to find out who the Mole is. Players that are left put your hand on the scanners. The scanner will only allow the Mole to come out of the closet." (I will refrain from any come out of the closet jokes)
Hands on the scanner, whoosh noise, door slowly opens….
Out comes Frederique!!!
KC SHRIEKS again, this time my dog starts barking at her. Most likely b/c she is pissed at KC's high pitch shriek.
MB does the Cooper Dance while sitting (watch the tape, he really tries to do it).
Fred then tries to dance to AR and does it with a big smile on her face.
MB gets out of his chair and walks around feeling stupid because he got beat by a model. CB just smiles, because of course, he knew it all along.
AR: "I'll admit, I was fooled also. I wasn't sure the computer tabulated the results right. We had to do a manual recount."
Camera then pans to Erik, who was up and alert because it was so much fun playing with the scanners, and now looks like a kid who had to stand in the corner at a Birthday party for misbehaving and has a sour look on his face, pouting, because he didn't win.
Finally, the players feel pity for Erik and they let Dinopuppy out. He quickly runs around the room and pees on the mole and licks Kathy's face and wags his tail. The players give a standing ovation b/c they have finally seen Erik come to life.
Corbin doesn't buy the cuteness and wants a red screen to appear for Erik and the producers make a red screen appear for fear that CB will go on a "psycho hockey dad" rampage. Corbin's had started rolling up his sleeves.
Commercial.
AR: "Welcome Back. KG is no longer a co-star of 'Suddenly Susan' but now the winner of Celebrity Mole."
KG starts to bawl in shame. After all what did that do for Dorothy?
AR: "Funny thing about KG. She tried to form coalitions with players right from the beginning. Only problem is, she got rejected more times than Urkel. Lets see her tries."
Clip of KG asking to form a coalition:
KG: "Want to form a coalition?"
And a stream of clips of responses in rapid succession:
SB: "No"
CB: "No"
MB: "No"
Fred: "No"
Cameraman: "No"
AR: "No"
Dog: runs away yelping
Stranger on the street: "Who are you?"
Person she brought with her: "I thought we were on vacation?"
Producer: "No"
Waiter: "No"
Her Agent: "I'm not your agent anymore"
Bum on the street: "eeehhhhhhh?" (falls back asleep)
Horse: neighs while shaking head no
Erik: "um….o.k."
Camera pans to Kathy eying Erik sheepishly. Erik swoons.
(This obvious lack of transition was done on the show as well--for viewers at home, they are about to explain how the players got eliminated while showing clips of what AR is narrating about))
AR: "So Kathy and Erik decided to share notes. Stephen and Corbin were at the top of the list as their mole prospects. KC was gone after the first Mole quiz"
KC interrupts: "I am Moleicious." Stephen whacks her on the back of the head.
AR: "In the 2nd Quiz, Erik and Kathy only answered ONE question correctly…..But, they were in a three way tie with Stephen. Since Stephen was the slowest player, he saw the red screen, and I was grateful, because I knew that he would finally be gone."
Camera then pans to KG touching Erik's leg.
AR: "Kathy and Erik now think that Michael is the mole. In the 3rd quiz, Kathy and Corbin get the lowest score on the quiz but Kathy was faster and Corbin saw the red screen."
CB: "I KNEW IT!!!!"
AR: "Kathy's goal was to be the fastest on every quiz. In fact she was the fastest on every quiz. She also spelled 'abacadaba' for every quiz. A strategy that seemed to work for her. Kathy tried to convince Frederique that Erik was the mole. In the 4th quiz Michael was executed."
KG: "I voted for Michael for every quiz."
AR: "Turns out Erik would have been eliminated this quiz if he hadn't won the exemption. But Erik stayed around. Then the Erik and Kathy coalition ended with a bad break up with Kathy getting the journals and Erik getting the coconut bra and surfboard after a bitter legal battle. Kathy then went back to her room to figure out what went wrong."
Clip of Kathy confessional: "I went back to room to look over my journal. I had written the questions and the answers to every quiz in my journal and looked through them. I saw that the first letter of all the questions on every quiz when unscrambled spelled: Boat and Frederique is the mole."
AR: "Kathy then tried to look suspicious and Erik tried to look suspicious to throw each other off. Even though Kathy failed at all physical challenges, Erik knew that Frederique was the mole because in Kathy's pillow talk, Kathy told Erik that she wasn't the mole. So the final quiz came and KG beat Erik by 3 questions, b/c she had sole custody of the journals."
Erik is now sitting with his arm on the back of the couch behind Kathy's back.
Commercial. There would have been a commercial for Dinotopia, but we are all grateful that there wasn't because that would mean that the show would have still been on. During the commercial break, the producers, finally back from their vacation in Hawaii after the filming, see the fan response to Ahmad and open his back panel to turn up the humor setting for the rest of the show before coming back from commercial.
AR: "Welcome back. (looks at the players) Now that you know who the mole is, does that change your feelings towards them?"
Players: "yes"
Because of contract negotiations Kim was allowed one line for the entire show.
KC: "I am glad I didn't last that long, because I would have turned into the meanest, nastiest person and Stephen, you were pushing me to get nasty because you kept talking about your penis. You should have just 'whipped it out and shown it to us already' instead of continually talking about it."
(Good thing she didn't stay on the show)
Stephen then proceeds to stand up and act like he is going to "whip it out" but falls short of turning the show into an R-rated show.
AR has had a full season of Stephen doing stupid stuff, Corbin saying stupid stuff, Kathy saying witty jokes and comments, Erik just standing there, and Ahmad FINALLY laughs. And what does he laugh at? A stupid "I am going to show my penis" gag. Bring me Anderson.
AR then does a clip highlight of Stephen during the show. Nothing of interest except for Kathy commenting that she saw Stephen's penis and that she could "draw a picture of it." Also shown, Stephen professing his love to Frederique while drinking "coca-cola" in a glass while really late at night because his eyes looked really tired and his head kept tipping from side to side.
AR: "Stephen, what was your strategy?"
SB: smiles sheepishly, "To have a good time!!"
AR laughs again.
***AR wit alert**
AR: "Yeah, I did notice, but somebody stopped the party short." (he smiles)
AR: "The next player, didn't seem to be having a good time. That player was Corbin."
CB: "No, I watched the last season and was looking for clues everywhere. I saw the clue about the ship guy and having pictures of ships behind him so I looked for clues everywhere."
**Warning: AR wit**
AR: "Lets see 'Inspector Clueso' looking for clues, where there were no clues to be found"
Clips of Corbin's possible clues with Corbin commenting on them from confessionals:
1) salt and pepper shakers were different at dinner.
2) Michael taped over his name on his bag and put "Bribs" in honor of his favorite player from last season.
3) 5 caskets left after the 1st game, 5 usual suspects, Baldwin was in Usual Suspects thus Baldwin was the mole (this one was really there).
4) They were in Hawaii. Kathy's sister works for a lady who does the hair of someone who's mom is from Hawaii.
5) He thinks there are possibly two moles. (even though there are only 7 players).
6) Candles at dinner being a different height and relating them to Baldwin's brothers.
7) Sees in the opening sequence that the last letters to be revealed for each player, when unscrambled, spelled "Boatman."
8) At the quiz, when the cursor scrolls over the players' names on the "Who is the Mole?" question, the cursor pauses for a millisecond on Frederique's name.
9) Notices that Kim cries all the time and gets overly dramatic at simple questions that are asked of her that are purely hypothetical like, "Would you ever cheat?"
Michael Boatman, for some reason then gets skipped over getting his clip highlights. Of course, Kim is just lucky to be on the dang show.
AR: "Now, lets us see how Frederique sabotaged each game."
Frederique in voiceover (also subtitled for the viewing audience) while clips are being shown: "In the firhst gahme I didn't give chlear direhctions, and I used my ahccent to help make me uninthellighble. I also fahked having trouhble pouhring the whater. I then put all the bhlame on Chorbin."
AR: "In the underwater charades game, she didn't help out Stephen."
Fred: "I khnew the fhinal answher was 'Amercian Bheauty.' I just let Stephen not ghet it. I mhean it whas so eahsy."
AR: "In the offshore account game, Frederique was supposed to be the beauty and take the expemption costing the team $66,000. But Erik was picked instead, throwing a loop in the plan."
Fred: "Soh I had to imphrovise. I huntied knots on the ship (clip of her untying knots and then the buoy falling off b/c of this). Because they ghot the mohney this tihme and I was thwarted, I KHNEW I had to sabatoge the next ghame."
AR: "So for he next sabatoge, at the cliff jump, Michael refuses to jump…..wait, wrong card (sound of cards shuffling). So at dinner, Corbin refuses to go along with the group…..dang it, wrong one (sound of cards shuffling). So during the hula game, Kathy refuses to surf….ummmm…. no, that is not it. (sounds of cards shuffling) Ahhh! There it is! So at the Looky Looky game, Frederique decides not to eat a pepper. Cunning Mole sabatoge!!"
Fred: "I khnew I had to sabhatoge this ghame, so I just fhlat hout dhenied to heat a phepper."
AR: "In the last game, Frederique thought that Erik and Kathy were on to her so she decided not to sabotage the last game to avoid suspicion."
Fred: "The phroducers told me that Erik and Kathy got every qhuestion rhight at the lhast quiz so I dhecided to not try to sahbatoge the last gahme because I think that they mahy be hon to mhe."
AR: "At the end, Frederique was were the perfect mole. She single handedly kept $80,000 out of the pot, fooled everyone in the Mole PTTE game, no one ever picked her as the mole until the final quiz, and she 'constantly surveyed the field knowing when to lay off.'"
Shot of Frederique smiling so brightly, Kathy and Erik sitting close to each other on the couch and Corbin mumbling, "I knew it!" while pounding his fists on his knee.
AR: "To those of you at home, even though we never told you about them, there were clues hidden in every episode. Let's go over them now:
In the first episode and at every show opening, Frederique is the only person that can be seen in the helicopter when it lands.
Hey that was a pretty good one"
Producer over the PA system: "Ahmad, Please keep going."
AR: "Listen to how I introduce the second game of the first episode: 'It is the Wild Wild West Mole Style.' This is of course a reference to Frederique's role as 'Amazonia' in the Will Smith movie: Wild Wild West."
At this point an entire nation cocks its head to the side a little and questions, "She was in that movie?"
AR: "In the 2nd episode, Corbin's plane registration # says: (reg.# is blown up to show the audience) 'If you can possibly somehow read this, then congrats b/c we are just going to tell you, Frederique is the mole.'"
AR: "In episode 3, when Frederique walks out of the water, there is an inflatable dolphin what is striped in the colors red, white, and blue, just like the colors of Frederique's native Netherlands (the Netherland flag is then shown b/c ABC knows that .000001% of the population in America knows what the flag of the Netherlands looks like). Ummmm, aren't those the same colors as the American flag, the French flag, the Russian flag, and the flag of the United Kingdom?"
Producer over the PA: "Ummm, we'll edit that out later, Just keep going."
AR: "The final clue was shown in the scavenger hunt game. The boxes on the shelf were suspicious because who would put water in a box and then in a freezer? The boxes said: 'Fruit, Vegetables, Dairy, Water, Meat'; which stood for 'Frederique Van Der Wal-Mole'."
AR: "And there you have it. Frederique is our Mole, Kathy with $233,000 wins, WHaTTHeMoLe wins the AE game, Ahtumbreez wins the PTTE game, and thank you to the other 5 players for playing. We will now proceed with the funeral ceremony of our careers. Thanks for watching."
Camera pans out to showing everyone hugging, Kathy and Erik kissing, and Ahmad actually smiling.
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"They don't call me Catsinova for nothing"
