Official Celebrity Mole Episode 5 Summary: Dress Me Up, Strip Me Down

Bebo’s Mole Journal

I AM THE MOLE.

How much can I get for this on eBay?

Previous surveillance tapes showed that Michael and DinoPuppy had a lovely bunch of coconuts. ChattyKathy warned them not to be sexually inappropriate with themselves, and she refused to surf after she got a boo-boo. FreddyPottyMouth forgot to wear a sports bra again.

Note to self: They’ve played this game for how many days, and she still “forgets” her sports bra?

And although Cyclehausen, Jims, and NaughtyKittySara tried to convince us they knew who the Mole was, Michael rowed the boat ashore (al-le-LO-SER).

On to the current surveillance tape. Intro...brak brak brak. The most memorable incident during the credits was Mr. Bebo breaking wind. Now on to the obligatory confessionals.

ChattyKathy: Mole, you got me!
DinoPuppy: Michael Freakin’ Boatman!

Note to self: What a strange middle name.

FreddyPottyMouth: If DinoPuppy’s the Mole, he can’t handle the pressure and needs a dip.

Note to self: Tape is fuzzy here. Did she mean a flea dip? Or did she say snip, as in DinoPuppy needs to be fixed? I sense FreddyPottyMouth doesn’t want to take DinoPuppy home to be her pet.

DP: If ChattyKathy’s the Mole, she’s really been screwing with my head.

Note to self: If I had a 20-year-old DinoPuppy to play with, would I just screw with his head? Better not go there.

My surveillance tape seems to have been replaced by a tape for The Amazing Race, as we’re now in a van. Flo and Zach have decided to break up. No, it’s ChattyKathy and DinoPuppy ending the alliance.

CK: It had to end. After all, the show’s almost over, and I don’t really have a place suitable for a pet. And besides, he’s not housebroken.

Since they’re no longer a couple, they now resort to those boring conversations that we all go though when we know the relationship is dead but we don’t want to complete the dump until we get all of our CD’s back.

DP: Why do you wear your watch on your right hand?
CK: Because I’m right handed?

DinoPuppy scribbles on the paper. The cameraman pats him on the head and gives him a treat.

FPM: I’m going to write that down.

FreddyPottyMouth scribbles “that” on a piece of paper. The cameraman pats her on the head and gives her a treat.

CK: I’ll write it down too.

Note to self: No one pats ChattyKathy on the head or gives her a treat. The pretty people get all the breaks.

All of the Molerons write. Oh, the suspense.

Surveillance tape now shows a forest. The man in the ugly shirt resembles Anderson Cooper, except that he’s not white, handsome, charming, witty, or talented.

NotAndersonCooper: Welcome to the Cloud Forest.

FreddyPottyMouth looks confused, since she sees trees, not clouds. DinoPuppy runs over to a tree, hikes his leg, and marks the tree. A cameraman pats him on the head and gives him a treat.

NAC: Are you ready for the next game?

DinoPuppy tries to fetch sticks, but NotAnderson calls him back and orders him to stay.

NAC: There are three of you left.

Note to self: He can count to 3, he’s smarter than I thought! Wait, he might be reading from a cue card. He can read, he’s smarter than I thought!

NotAndersonCooper explains that it’s time to play Three Questions. All the Molerons write. Oh, the suspense.

NAC: Who wants to hide first?

No one moves. They’ve all heard stories about what ex-football players can do to innocent bystanders in remote areas. Finally, ChattyKathy tells FreddyPottyMouth to go, and DinoPuppy echoes her. FreddyPottyMouth lives down to her name since she doesn’t like taking orders from the pup.

CK: We three are not a good combo. We’re not going to crochet a blanket together.

All of the Molerons are not crocheting. Oh, the suspense.

At the endpoint, NotAnderson tells FreddyPottyMouth to put on a camouflage outfit and wait for him to come back with some friends. Oh, so that’s how you like it, big boy?

NAC: Question #1, which of you would speak at her funeral?
CK: Ooh, we get to kill her?
NAC: No, it’s a rhetorical question.

After the cameraman explains to everyone what rhetorical means, ChattyKathy picks herself, since DinoPuppy is mute.

NAC: Question #2, who is more likely to fart?
CK: Mr. Bebo. Look what happened during the intro.
Mr. Bebo: Oh, come on, it wasn’t that bad.
CK: Then DinoPuppy, since it’s a guy thing.
DP: But you talk about them, you talk about everything.

The Queen of England magically appears and dubs ChattyKathy the Discussor of Farts.

NAC: Question #3, who is the bigger flirt?
DP(batting his eyes at NotAnderson): Gee, I don’t know...
CK: You are such a slut. Just own it.

Little bunny NotCoop
Hoppin’ through the forest
Yellin’ out for Freddy
And...

Coming up on Celebrity Mole Hawaii...
- ChattyKathy gets caught.
-“Black light! Black light!”
- FreddyPottyMouth swears again.
- “This is like a sorority porn move, and I’m the headmistress!”
- And the final quiz.

Ack, my surveillance tape has commercials!

NAC: FreddyPottyMouth, come on down!

A pile of sticks and leaves jumps up.
FPM: <bleep> Ta Da!
CK: Oh, that’s this year’s couture.

Now DinoPuppy gets to put on the twigset. After he plays GI Joe, he wets on a tree, digs a hole, and chases his tail while waiting for the others to arrive.

NAC: Question #1, which one would be abducted by Martians?
CK: Not me, since as a fellow alien I would go willingly.
NAC: Question #2, who would DinoPuppy rather be stranded on a deserted island with?
CK: Um, the hot model?
FPM: Don’t strand me with the <bleep>in’ puppy. You wanted him in the first place. I knew I’d get stuck taking care of him.
CK: But he doesn’t laugh at my jokes.
FPM: I don’t either, but I’d rather be with you.

As ChattyKathy and FreddyPottyMouth giggle, NotAnderson senses some potentially interesting sexual tension and kills it with his particular attempts at wit.

NAC: So FreddyPottyMouth, why do you think DinoPuppy would want to be on an island with you?
FPM: Because he wants to learn Dutch?
NAC: That wouldn’t be my answer.

Ew. Pause surveillance tape to take a shower.

NAC: Question #3, who is more likely to wear dirty underwear?

Note to self: I left too early for my shower. Ew.

CK: Hmmm, she has her own underwear line, and I’m dirty. Tough call.

Little bunny NotCoop
Hoppin’ through the forest,
Callin’ for the Puppy,
The Puppy isn’t there.

Here, puppy! Oh, there’s the puppy. Bad puppy gave wrong answers.
NAC: Question #1, about the Martians?
DP: FreddyPottyMouth.

The cameraman pats DinoPuppy on the head and gives him a treat.

NAC: Question #2, deserted island?
DP: ChattyKathy, because she’s fun.

The cameraman whacks DinoPuppy on the nose with a rolled-up newspaper.

NAC: Question #3, dirty undies?

DinoPuppy sniffs around and points out all of ChattyKathy’s dirty clothes. Bad, ChattyKathy, bad. The cameraman whacks ChattyKathy on the nose with a rolled-up newspaper. Then ChattyKathy puts on the twigsuit. It’s dirty and smelly, since FreddyPottyMouth and DinoPuppy have rolled around in it, but it’s still an improvement over her regular clothes.

NAC: Question #1, who’s more likely to stiff the waitress?
DP: You’re a girl, and you’re Dutch, so you don’t Dutch treat, so it’s you.
FPM: What the <bleep>?
NAC: Question #2, who thinks they have the better hair?
DP: You may be a model, but I have a shiny coat.
NAC: Question #3, who’s more likely to gain weight?
DP: Which is funnier?

Note to self: DinoPuppy with a beer gut. FreddyPottyMouth with thunder thighs. Heh heh heh.

FPM: I think I’m funnier, but I think she said you.

Little bunny NotCoop
Hoppin’ through the forest
Callin’ ChattyKathy
But Kathy isn’t here.

They finally dug her up.

CK: Oooh, this is a nightmare.

My thoughts exactly.

NAC: Stiff the waitress?
CK: FreddyPottyMouth.
NAC: Better hair?
CK: FreddyPottyMouth.
NAC: Gain weight?
CK: FreddyPottyMouth.
NAC: You answered FreddyPottyMouth for all of the questions, including who has the bigger penis.
CK: Didn’t know you’d tattle, you tattler.

CK confessional: I mouthed to DinoPuppy that I was answering FreddyPottyMouth to all of the questions.
DP confessional: I don’t know why she was telling me she wanted to do FreddyPottyMouth. I mean, I didn’t think it was the time to be telling me about that.

Coming up on Celebrity Mole Hawaii...
- FreddyPottyMouth swears again.
- “This is like a sorority porn move, and I’m the headmistress!”
- And the final quiz.

Note to self: Don’t feed Mr. Bebo asparagus on Reality TV watching night.

Surveillance tape shows ad for Michael Jackson interview. Oh, now that image is scorched on my retina.

Back to the Moleron surveillance tape, where a guy blows...a shell.

Note to self: Don’t wanna know who went there.

NAC: Let’s play a game to disrupt a relaxing dinner and tick people off further. Pick a name from the hat, then imitate that player and see if we can guess.

ChattyKathy imitates Quick-Vanishing Kimmi. FreddyPottyMouth flails around and swears. No wait, that’s her impression. She’s PsychoStevie. DinoPuppy pulls his out and smiles.

Note to self: Still shouldn’t go there.

NAC: You like this one.

Note to self: I really mean it.

DinoPuppy holds out eight fingers.

FPM: You pulled out the hat size label, you <bleep>in’ idiot.

The cameraman whacks DinoPuppy on the nose with a rolled-up newspaper. He picks again and imitates ChattyKathy, who’s so pissed that she swears like FreddyPottyMouth.

CK: What am I, Shecky Greene?

Note to self: I saw Shecky Greene on The Love Boat, and she’s no Shecky Greene.

NAC: I thought you said no one could get pissed off at an imitation.
CK: I gave myself an exemption.
NAC: Are you ready for the next game.
DP: You mean the last game.

The scene...Keahou Bay. The time...midnight.

CK: It’s a beautiful house. I thought we were going to play Order Around the Staff, and I thought, I win.

Note to self: She doesn’t know how to play Rock, Paper, Scissors, but she knows how to play Order Around the Staff? What a lame childhood.

NAC: You need to open up the safe. Three numbers make up the combination. Your clues are in invisible ink. Your first clue will help you figure out how to turn on the black light to read the clues. You have one hour. Do not pass Go, do not collect $200. Void where prohibited, see store for details. Post no bonds.

My surveillance tape is suddenly replaced by a Survivor tape.

TREEMAIL!
You’ve got one hour to finish the task.
Could this be more stupid? I’m sure you will ask.
We’re making you Molerons run ‘round here all night.
To find one too hard, one too soft, one just right.

DP: One of us is soft, one is hard, and one is Goldilocks.

Note to self: Don’t go there either. Really.

They figure out the clue refers to beds, not DinoPuppy. FreddyPottyMouth finds writing on a pillow.

BEDMAIL!
With two of you here the black light will glare,
And thanks to the cameraman, crotch shots we’ll share.
The third one will run and read out the clue,
Then the Whos down in Whoville will all cry boo hoo.

DinoPuppy curls up on the bed with the underwear model while ChattyKathy is sent for snacks and condoms. The pretty people get all the breaks. NotAnderson hands her a clue instead.

Thomas Crown’s Recent Collection

FPM: Oh, The Thomas Crown Affair!
DP: I haven’t seen it.
FPM: Are you <bleep>in’ kidding? It’s really good, you should go. Pierce Brosnan’s in it.
DP: Ooo, he’s hot.
FPM: I knew it! Get out of this bed and get a clue.

Where Kasparov and Fischer face off.

FPM: Oh, Face Off!
DP: I haven’t seen it.
FPM: Are you <bleep>in’ kidding? It’s really good, you should go. Nicolas Cage’s in it.
DP: Ooo, he’s hot.
FPM: I knew it! Get over here and take my place on this bed so I can get a clue.

FreddyPottyMouth and DinoPuppy bash heads. I laugh.

This sweet squash makes a scary jack.

DP: Oh, The Shining!
EPM: I haven’t seen it.
DP: Are you kidding? It’s really good, you should go. Jack Nicholson is so scary. Say...The Shining...do you think we’re looking for Windex?
FPM: How about a pumpkin?
DP: OK, but I think that would leave streaks on the window.

They run around looking for the Great Pumpkin. DinoPuppy falls. I laugh. After trying a few pumpkins, they find the one with a clue.

FPM: The uniform of masons, welders, and kooks.
DP: Kooks?
FPM: Yeah, kooks! They kook things!

ChattyKathy knows what she means but is too busy laughing at our bewildered puppy. Finally, she runs to the kitchen and grabs the apron.

The world’s oldest grain.

After running around and asking if coffee, spoons, or trash can liners qualify as grains, they find the right bag.

Gallagher has a smashing time with these.

FPM: Sledgehammers!
CK: Watermelons!
DP: Kooks!

The cameraman whacks DinoPuppy on the nose with a rolled-up newspaper.

FPM: Shall we try another pumpkin?
CK: Why not? Just because it’s not a sledgehammer, a watermelon, or a kook. But there is a band called Smashing Pumpkins.

Nothing on this pumpkin. After buying a $1000 hint, FreddyPottyMouth is back on the sledgehammers.

Note to self: I just think she’s finally had it with DinoPuppy and is going to take care of him once and for all.

CK: She keeps saying GUYZ, GUYZ? I hear it in my nightmares.

They buy another hint - watch your back. ChattyKathy and FreddyPottyMouth rip off the stickers on each other’s jumpsuits. As FreddyPottyMouth’s falls, we see a number 1 on it, thanks to the special lighting, the giant arrows, the ABC telestrator, and the dancing hippos. After the Boatman opening credits misdirection, I’m not buying it. They can’t find DinoPuppy’s sticker, but they send him down to the black light with their two. As a marching band and parade of strippers dance by, we’re shown DinoPuppy dropping the 1 on the ground.

Coming up on Celebrity Mole Hawaii...
- FreddyPottyMouth swears again.
- “This is like a sorority porn move, and I’m the headmistress!”
- And the final quiz.

More commercials on this surveillance tape. My local news channel has a new helicopter. I know you care.

NotAnderson points out to the audience that they missed the 1 on the sticker. Did anyone else see a 1 on that sticker?

Workout with 4.54 kilos.

They decide to buy a hint and are told that 1 kilo = 2.2 pounds. DinoPuppy is excited about doing math and wets on the floor. The cameraman whacks him on the nose with a rolled-up newspaper while ChattyKathy figures out that 4.54 kilos is about 10 pounds. FreddyPottyMouth finds a 10 pound weight.

There’s a trick up your sleeve.

DinoPuppy strips.

Note to self: Make note of the counter so that I can find this again easily.

They buy a hint...it’s inside out.

Now they all strip.

CK: I gotta work this look. I can’t believe I’m in a bathing suit next to you, that sucks.

The male audience agrees, because she’s blocking their view.

ChattyKathy runs down to the black light and yells...(say it with me)

THIS IS A SORORITY PORN MOVIE, AND I’M THE HEADMISTRESS!

Note to self: Should I call this summary, Another Sorority Porn Movie?

Wow. What an original line. ChattyKathy finally finds the 1 on the ground, and then the 60 on the sleeve. DinoPuppy says that they realized all the clues were on them, so they weren’t going to run around like idiots any more. They were just going to strip and lie around like idiots.

DP: Screw the clues. I found 38 - bingo!

NotAnderson explains that they have three tries to open the safe, and then it will be frozen for five minutes. On the third try, the Molerons open the safe. Is there money? Noooooo. There’s a piece of cardboard.

SAFEMAIL!
To score the loot, all three must swim
Only 1 bag each in order to win.

They realize the bags are in the pool. DinoPuppy and FreddyPottyMouth jump in and quickly retrieve their bags. ChattyKathy prepares by taking the jumpsuit off, taking a swimming lesson, calling Greg Louganis, testing the water chemicals, and finally jumping in. She keeps grabbing the white weight bag and trying to bring it up.

CK: I can’t do it! It’s too heavy.

Coming up on Celebrity Mole Hawaii...(saying it with me)...The final quiz.

CK: I can’t do it! It’s too heavy.
DP: I tried to explain that the bag was right under her and to just go pull it up.
CK confessional: DinoPuppy said...are you ready? PULLITUPPULLITUPPULLITUP!
DP: I think she was trying to throw me off, since our coalition is dead.

Note to self: It took him how long to figure out they were over? Man, is he the type who calls 20 times after being dumped or what?

ChattyKathy finally grabs the money, and NotAnderson announces the final pot stands at $233,000.

DP: If ChattyKathy has been leading me on this whole time, I’m gonna think twice about every single person I meet.

Note to self: How many girlfriends have cheated on this guy and gotten away with it?

My surveillance tape is interrupted with a Very Special rerun of the Brady Bunch. Oh no, it’s the bad luck tiki! And there’s a spider! Oh Greg, don’t wear it surfing! Ow, my nose! Mom always said, don’t play ball in the house.

Now it’s time for the Moleron SAT’s, going all the way back to first episode.

1. Is the Moleron male or female?
- Yes
- No

2. What color lei did the Mole wear after getting off the helicopter?
- Prety
- Ugly
- The Mole did not get lei’ed.

3. What was the Mole’s job while Michael was on the line?
- Bash him into the rocks.
- Hold him under the water.
- Laugh at him profusely.

4. What number journal did the Mole have?
- 0
- 3 1/8
- 1,000,000

5. During the Baa Baa Blackjack sheep game, what did the Mole do?
- Cry for mommy
- Pretend to be useful
- Play in the mud

6. Who was standing to the left of the Mole during Stephen’s exemption?
- Stephen
- Grumpy
- Mr. Happy
- Sheep #12

7. What did the Mole do during the Underwater Charades game?
- Guess badly
- Lie about not seeing bones in the coffin
- Pretend to dig

8. Who did Jims think was the Mole?
- Kathy
- Corbin
- Kim
Note to self: The actual quiz question, asking if the Mole succeeded at the task during the Jobs game, was irrelevant since the only person to fail at his task was no longer in the game - the correct answer had to be Yes. They had a gimme.

9. What did the Mole wear during the Offshore Account game?
- Way too much clothing.
- Way too little clothing.

10. What was the name of the Mole’s mouse?
- Itchy
- Scratchy
- Erik

11. What number did the Mole’s mouse run to during the Chili Pepper game?
- 1
- 1
- 1

12. What did the Mole do during the first part of the Hulapalooza game?
- Embarrass himself with coconuts.
- Embarrass herself on a surfboard.
- Embarrass another woman by riding a surfboard.

13. Did the Mole wear clean pants or shorts during the Exemption game?
- Yes
- No, she never does.

14. How many of the Mole’s questions were guessed correctly in the Three Questions game?
- 4
- 5
- 6

15. How many times did the Mole lay on the bed during the “It Takes a Thief” game?
- 20
- 19
- Get a life, you people, who had time to count?

16. In which order did the Mole hide during the Three Questions game?
- Fourth
- Tenth
- Eighth

17. What was the first household object the Mole put under the black light?
- Chessboard
- Pumpkin
- Um, something found in the nightstand in the bedroom (don’t make me say it, but it has batteries)

18. What number was on the Mole’s coveralls?
- Size 2
- Inspected by #12
- Style 01478

19. When did the Mole jump into the pool?
- Right away
- After being a big baby

20. Who is the Mole?
- FreddyPottyMouth
- DinoPuppy
- ChattyKathy

FPM: I am not the Mole.
CK: I am not the Mole.
DP: No, I am not the Mole.

Well, they all sounded convincing to me. Boatman must be the Mole.

Coming up on Celebrity Mole Hawaii...
- We find out who’s the winner, who’s the loser, and who’s the Moleron.
- Shot of other losers looking shocked and stunned.
- Quick-Vanishing Kimmi says she doesn’t want to hear any more about PsychoStevie’s penis unless he’s going to whip it out.
- PsychoStevie stands up and starts to unzip his trousers...

Ew. Gotta get back in the shower now. Ew.

Royalty, shmoyalty...EVIL rules!