LAST EDITED ON 08-10-01 AT 00:26 AM (EST)BlowsVivor
Episode 10: "The Birds!"
Act 3: "Omphalos"Day 29 11:30 A.M., montage of wildlife and of castaways at camp; IceCat teaches the ten chickens, who now are wearing numbered poker chip necklaces (1 through 10, of course), to polka; George Tirebiter and Outfrontgirl work on their medicinal witch's brew, each takes a sip and they nod their approval; RudyRules and SnoopySucks play a lazy game of fetch the stick. The sun is high up now, burning brightly in a nearly cloudfree sky; heat waves are now being picked up by the cameras, the music is kind of somber and mysterious and foreboding. A raccoon at the water suddenly lifts its head then hurries away, a few birds fly out of a tree seemingly in some alarm, SnoopySucks stops and perks her ears.
And then we hear the scream, a distorted shriek, a dismaying sound of haunting morbidity. George Tirebiter and Outfrontgirl rise from the fire, RudyRules and IceCat turn to face the direction of the sound, then all four and SnoopySucks start to run towards the water.
Then we see Survivorerist from behind, racing towards the water and yelling, surrounded in a cloud of bees; he jumps into the water and immerses himself fully, staying underneath the surface: We get an underwater shot of him (well, it's distorted somewhat and may actually be his double in a filler, I mean what are the chances they actually had someone filming underwater at that moment?) holding his hands clawlike in front of him.
When he emerges to take a breath many but not all of the bees have dispersed, the other Vivors have arrived but are keeping a healthy distance from the bees.
Survivorerist: They were all over me, oh my God (click!) it was horrible {gasp gasp} I thought I was done for, I thought the stinging would never stop {gasp gasp} and look at my hands, I've got honey all over my hands, it won't come off, it won't come off!
RudyRules: Stay in the water, buddy. Dunk yourself under again if you need to, in fact you might want to back up a bit and get where it's deeper.
Outfrontgirl: RudyRules, IceCat, why don't you jog back to camp and get some smoking torches so we can drive off the rest of these bees.
George Tirebiter: Did you get the honeycombs? What did you do with the honeycombs?
Well, RudyRules and IceCat kind of shrugged and headed back towards camp, leaving Outfrontgirl and George Tirebiter to talk Survivorerist down from his obvious panic.
Survivorerist: I dropped the honeycombs somewhere back there. I must have gotten stung a million times!
George Tirebiter: Oh, don't be silly, you'd be dead by now if you'd got stung that much.
Outfrontgirl: You don't look dead to me.
Just then RudyRules and IceCat jogging back to camp passed the ten blue chickens racing towards the water with a makeshift stretcher they'd made using the poncho.
Survivorerist: I've got honey all over my hands, it won't come off, it won't come off!
George Tirebiter: Well, wipe it on your face, I can see several stings there already rising.
Outfrontgirl: That's a smart idea, Survivorerist. Honey isn't only nature's most perfect food, it's nature's most perfect antiseptic, no germs can live in honey.
Just then the ten chickens arrived and started motioning Survivorerist to come out of the water and lay down on the stretcher.
SnoopySucks (to the chickens): Woof woof woof {You can carry me back to camp if you want}
SnoopySucks then got on the stretcher, the chickens all kind of shrugged at one another and then picked her up and headed back to camp.
Survivorerist: They were everywhere, Everywhere!
George Tirebiter: How's your stomach feeling now, Outfrontgirl?
Outfrontgirl: Oh, thanks, I'd forgotten about it 'til you reminded me. Actually, the bit of tonic I took seems to have done the trick.
Just then RudyRules and IceCat, smoking torches in hand, passed the ten hens and SnoopySucks heading back to camp.
SnoopySucks: Woof woof woof woof {Now, this is my kind of estrogen alliance!}
Well, by and by they drove the bees off and coaxed Survivorerist out of the water, but he was still quite shaken and yammering from his adreneline rush, so RudyRules and Outfrontgirl helped him back to camp while IceCat and George Tirebiter took the smoking torches and went to find the honeycombs, which they found, and when the brew was complete Outfrontgirl dosed Survivorerist with a bit of it and it calmed him right away.
Survivorerist (confessional): I was so scared, so damn scared, nothing like that has ever happened to me before, I thought I was a goner. The honey won't come off, I wish it would just come off. Why won't it come off? Am I that evil? It's just a game, right, it's just a game! You're supposed to try and win in a game, isn't that right! Wow, that was some stuff the ladies cooked up, hit me right off like ... like I don't know what! Man! I just wish it would come off, you know. This is really bugging me for some reason ... (laughs) "Bugging!" One minute you're fine, you know, but in an instant everything changes. I suppose I should get checked over for stingers, I'm really having trouble forming coherant thoughts right now. I really thought I was a goner, you know.
Two hours later, IceCat was teaching the hens to cluck out "Sweet By and By" while Survivorerist sat tranquilized staring into the fire and the other three lazed about in the shelter, when Dangerkitty finally stumbled back to camp all bruised and scraped every which possible way.
Dangerkitty: Next time I see AyaProbe, watch out, he's a dead man! Thinks he can sell me to perverts just to line his pockets, he's got another think coming! He's a dead man, you hear me; before this is done he's a dead man! Ah, phooey, I think I may have broke my toe!
Well, the others, except for Survivorerist who was still sorting out his own dilemma, helped Dangerkitty to the shelter, and IceCat carefully removed her boots in order to examine the supposedly broken toe.
George Tirebiter: Dangerkitty, we have a medicinal brewed up, it should help you recover from this --
Dangerkitty: Oh, yeah, and just what's in this "medicinal brew" you suddenly have?!
Outfrontgirl: Well, there's honey, sassafras root, wild catnip, featherfew --
Well, hearing "wild catnip" Dangerkitty needed no more encouragement, she grabbed the pot and started chugging it down much to the dismay of Outfrontgirl and George Tirebiter who tried to tell her she was taking way way way too much, but to no avail, and Dangerkitty finally lowered the brew having drained roughly three-quarters of it.
Outfrontgirl: Oh my God (click!), I think she drank eight days' worth of a dose!
Dangerkitty: Whoa, what a rush, that is some powerful stuff!
IceCat: I don't think this toe is broken, only very badly stubbed somehow.
Dangerkitty: Oh my God (click!), the colors, they're getting so alive!
And just then the ten hens goosestepped in unison past the front of the lean-to, and when they were perfectly centered they snapped their heads to face the Vivors, fired off a quick and snappy salute, then faced front and continued on not having missed a beat, leaving everyone bemused except Dangerkitty who looked perplexed.
Dangerkitty: Now the chickens have staged a coup?
And then she passed out.
IceCat (confessional): I know I should get my head back in the game, this stuff with the chickens needs to be replicated under laboratory conditions with control elements to have any validity later on, but honestly this is just so exciting to have accidentally stumbled into this! Most of the great scientific breakthroughs started with accidental discoveries, this is really an incredible opportunity I wasn't expecting!
Transitional wildlife scenes concluding with barn owl flying, then she comes in for a landing on top of a trailer in the white trash park where the jury has been sequestered. Inside the trailer Mon Cherie and Survivorchick are seated, watching monitor screens of live feeds of the game in progress. Sleeeve enters from outside, grabs a towel near the door to wipe his face.
Sleeeve: You don't want to go outside just now, it's not just hot but Richard Hatch showed up in his birthday suit. Won't that guy's 15 minutes ever end!
Well, the ladies laughed at that one.
Sleeeve: Anything happening in the game?
Mon Cherie: Not that I can tell, but DK finally did get out of her Houdini mousetrap.
Survivorchick: I have to say, I liked Survivorerist better when he was sabotaging the others, like when he dumped the rice in the latrine to make it seem like the cooks were wasting too much of it. I just can't figure out whatever it is he's up to now, he can't really expect a sympathy strategy to work like he wants.
Sleeeve: I know, riling up those bees when he knew how to avoid it, that one's got me totally confused.
Mon Cherie: He's a good actor, though, you have to give him that! By the way, S-Chick, did you really put down "doggy chow" on your pizza question?
Survivorchick: Lord, no, AyaProbe substituted that, my favorite is Taco!
Sleeeve: I bet whatever IceCat grabbed out he was going to get something inedible.
Mon Cherie: What do you think about what SnoopySucks has been up to?
Sleeeve: What do you mean?
Mon Cherie: Well, the other night I saw her ... hm, I got up ... maybe it was a dream, I can't quite remember just now.
And on top of the trailer the owl turned to face the camera.
Owl: HoooHooHoohoothoot! {8888888888888888888888888888888}
And then she took to the sky, but then turned a 180 and came back, coming to a trailer not in use for anything, one where the doorknob was missing, and pushed her way in.
Transitional shots.
DAW camp, 4:45 P.M., aerial shot showing the sleeping shelter, the chicken coop 40 yards away, a tent having been set up in between, and a giant bull's-eye painted on the ground in a nearby clearing. SUCoW comes driven up to camp. View shift to the ground, we see all the castaways standing before the shelter dressed in their finest remaining threads. The SUCoW pulls up to the tent and stops, two monkeybutlers emerge and start hauling stuff into the tent. Then AyaProbe gets out of the driver's seat, pulls a bag from the back, and lugs it towards the shelter, serious look on his face.
AyaProbe: Here's five pounds of chicken feed, don't waste it.
Dangerkitty: Oh, you thought of the bluesies, how sweet of you, smooochie hughug wakeywakeywakey!
AyaProbe: What's wrong with her?
George Tirebiter: She's having a trip, don't bring her down, Aya! Honestly, sometimes you are just so clueless.
IceCat: Thanks for thinking of the hens. (He then grabbed the feed and headed with it to the chicken coop.)
AyaProbe: Don't thank me, Legal said we better not let them starve or the PETA jerks would be all over us!
RudyRules (confessional): I'm glad we got these chickens now, this means we'll be able to eat till the end of the game. But we may have to send IceCat out in the next tc, he's just getting too darned close to those critters.
IceCat (confessional): I've come to my senses now, I realize these hens are just part of the game as far as everyone else is concerned, but I think it's a good thing if I don't let on, let everyone think I've totally been sidetracked from the game by this scientific breakthrough.
Dangerkitty (confessional): Like, these blue hens, you know, I don't get it at all, but they're so cute, it's like a sideshow of our very own now, we soooooo needed something entertaining, life here was getting pretty drab, oh gawl I'm feeling so so so happy happy joy joy lately, I mean wow I even perfected a mousetrap how cool is that, and we've solved the world's energy crisis I think, who knew "dramality" would lead to such things?
Then a helicopter came into view and landed down on the painted bull's-eye, and a monkeybutler emerged with three pizza boxes, and the other monkeybutlers came up and pulled out a large tub of iced over-caffinated soda from the over-caffinated soda sponsor. Finally, they escourted some lady from the craft, she was holding two soda bottles to her bosoms for the obvious effect, and then we got a real clear view of her, and .... Oh, My!
SHE WAS THE SORT OF BIRD THAT SENT A MAN CRAZY, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN, ALL CURVY AND LEAN IN ALL THE RIGHT PLACES TO BE CURVY AND LEAN; THE SORT OF BIRD A GUY WOULD CROSS MOUNTAINS AND OCEANS FOR JUST TO GIVE HER THE MOON AND THE STARS EVEN THOUGH YOU KNEW SHE PROBABLY ALREADY HAD THEM; YEAH, THAT'S THE SORT OF BIRD SHE WAS; AND THE WAY SHE MOVED WAS POETRY AND GOT IN YOUR SOUL, SHE WAS THAT SORT OF BIRD, EVERY NUANCE AND GLANCE A TEASE, A TEMPTATION; YEAH, YOU KNOW THE SORT OF BIRD I MEAN; AND WHEN SHE LOOKED IN YOUR EYES YOU SANK INTO HER AND COULDN'T HELP IT, SHE WAS THE SORT OF BIRD THAT REELED YOU IN NO MATTER WHAT ...
Aymelek: Oh, AyaProbe!
IF ONLY IT WEREN'T FOR THAT BETTY BOOP VOICE!
Well, she placed the two soda bottles with the rest in the iced chest, they had served their purpose, and then a monkeybutler pulled a guitar case from the helicopter, which then fired up and lifted off, tossing Aymelek's skirt sexilly in its wake, and then introductions were made.
AyaProbe: This is Aymelek, my conjugal buddy for this series!
Aymelek: One of you plays guitar, I take it?
Survivorerist: That would be me! (He smiled, taken in by the incredible beauty of the visitor.)
Aymelek: Well, later on you can play while I perform some dances for you, it should be fun!
Dangerkitty: Oh my God (click), how do you keep that gem in your bellybutton?
Aymelek: Trade secret, darling, I'll clue you in later.
Dangerkitty: Oh, phoooey, I'm not a trader!
Well, Aymelek then handed all six castaways photos of their own homes, per her instructions. Then AyaProbe explained that they all had to eat their three slices of pizza with gusto, the greasypizza sponsor was really expecting a lot of them, while he and Aymelek went to the tent and had catered gourmet Texmex fare supplied by the Texmex sponsor, because it's really all about selling it you know. And as Aymelek and AyaProbe walked off hand in hand --
Aymelek: What's with that Dangerkitty, she's not one of the clueless people is she? Man, that sort drives me bonkers.
AyaProbe: Normally she's not, she's basically intense. but right now she's having a mellow trip if you know what I mean.
Aymelek: Oh, a puppy, can she join us for dinner, I just love dogs!
And so SnoopySucks got invited to enjoy the good chow.
Well, and then there were intercut shots of the Vivors trying to act like they enjoyed thier slices of the three pizzas, while AyaProbe and Aymelek enjoyed the fine dining with SS taking table scraps, and the monkeybutlers made a show of it serving them their fine dinner. Dangerkitty didn't seem to mind, but the rest of the castaways, even Survivorerist, made a game effort but couldn't help but display their dismay at the pizzas they had been served, so I guess the Texmex sponsor won out but honestly who could tell? Even the chickens were shown enjoying their feed.
Chicken #3: Cluck cluckcluck cluckcluck {boy, this is good stuff, too bad the humans aren't enjoying their feed}
Chicken #7: Cluckcluck cluck cluck {quick, let's kill them before they try to take ours!}
All the hens fell over laughing at that one.
Finally, AyaProbe poked his head out and told the castaways they'd done such a fine job he wouldn't make them suffer watching him have his dessert taco, and then he closed the sides of the tent. Pretty soon Betty Boop squeals were heard, "ohhh, yessss, therreee, mmmmm, oh yesssssss!"
RudyRules (choaking down his last snail): Them darn French and the things they eat ... (And then he just shook his head.)
And the next commercial was MM and MMS PepeLePew selling crunchy honey peanut butter, how elegant! Le Whiff, such a delicate bouquet, Le Taste, oh oui that is the finest, and so on; honestly, I wanted some of the stuff myself! Then, it was Tony Randall as AyaProbe and Jack Klugman as RushdieQ in an ad for one of those cellular Swiss army knives:
Jack: Well, you told me to call if I would be late for dinner!
Tony: But it's been years, Rushdie, why now?
Jack: Honestly, I don't know, who wrote this cockamamie dreg!
Tony: Oh, you just need to get properly organized, there's nothing like a cellular Swiss army knife for that!
Jack: I'd rather have goop melange!
And so on and so on, and then a bunch more of those commercials we already so got down, you know.
To Be Concluded ...
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