LAST EDITED ON 08-08-01 AT 04:17 PM (EST)

BlowsVivor
Episode 10: "The Birds!"
Act 1: "Eye of Providence"

We open on a shot of a giant flag of the BlowsVivor logo, it is backdrop of a stage which is empty except for a microphone on a stand positioned at front center. GG enters, wearing his finest Sunday-go-to-meeting Scots drag, and walks purposely to the microphone, where he stands with rigid formality then clears his throat.

GG: The part of AyaProbe will now be portrayed by someone who actually does know everything there is to know, the renowned Mr. Tony Randall.

Tony Randall enters, costumed and made up as AyaProbe, to polite pre-recorded applause. He gestures appropriately.

Tony Randall: Thank you, thank you! (Applause fades.) I am very honored to be here, at long last being able to add "dramality" to my list of accomplishments, it's really a dream come true. By the way, this costumes itches, can something be done about that?

Voice of Burnit (from speaker system): We'll see what can be done about that, Mr. Randall. We're very pleased you were available and agreed to come on such short notice.

Tony Randall: Think nothing of it, the show must go on! And please, call me Tony.

AyaProbe enters holding a script, looking perplexed.

AyaProbe: What's going on here?

Voice of Burnit: We were just conducting a sound check. AyaProbe meet Tony Randall, Tony meet AyaProbe.

Tony: Very please to meet you, Mr. Probe, I've heard such wonderful things about your program, I was absolutely thrilled when Mr. Burnit called with --

AyaProbe: I don't understand, why is Mr. Randall --

Tony: Call me Tony.

AyaProbe: Why is Tony disguised as me?

Voice of Burnit: Hold on, you two, first things first. GG, how are the monkeybutler animators doing?

GG: Oh, they're all happy as clams at their keyboards, coming up with some incredible stuff! You should see what they have already for episode 8, it'll knock your socks off.

Voice of Burnit: I'd like to keep on top of that, GG, we're on a tight schedule after all. Go and arrange for a noon screening of the material they've come up with.

GG exits.

Voice of Burnit: AyaProbe, you've been trying to wear too many hats, things have been going unattended because of that. Just this morning I had to messenger Monkeyboy a certified check for $600,000 to meet past and current obligations, obviously some changes have to be made around here, there isn't enough control.

AyaProbe: I still don't understand --

Voice of Burnit: Let me put it this way: Who forgot to hire his own double for the filler shots?

AyaProbe: Oh.

Tony: This is such a marvelous opportunity, I can't thank you --

Just then a ringing interrupted, AyaProbe produced from somewhere on his person one of those cellular phone monstrosities with more functions than a Swiss army knife.

AyaProbe (answering phone): Just a second -- Yes, what is it? -- Well, he's tough, clean him up and get him back in the game. -- Well, clean him up and give him a tranquilizer and get him back in the game, then! -- Lord, I have to do everything around here, I'll be out there as soon as possible. (Hangs up and returns his cellular Swiss army knife whence it came.)

Voice of Burnit: This is exactly the thing I'm talking about, Aya, you have too much on your plate.

AyaProbe: Well, I have to get back out there, can we record this announcer material later?

Tony: Oh, I can do announcer as well as body double, whatever it takes, on with the show!

Voice of Burnit: That is an excellent idea, Tony. Aya, give Tony the script and go take care of whatever it is that's going on now, I'll check on you later.

Well, AyaProbe started to say something but I guess he saw it was useless, so he handed Tony the script and then he left.

Tony (looking at script): Good Lord, who wrote this cockamamie dreck!?

Voice of Burnit: Is there a problem, Tony?

Tony: No, I can deliver anything, it comes with knowing everything you know.

Voice of Burnit: Okay then, let's get this episode under way!

(Scenes from episode 9: Destitution from the flood, searching scenes, Outfrontgirl finally turning up, etc.)

Tony: Last time on BlowsVivor the castaways awoke minus two and dealt with the devastation from the flood, searched for the Outfrontgirl and SnoopySucks, Outfrontgirl just kind of turned up, then they were forced to trade their doob for rice (Tony aside: That makes no sense at all, who would do such a thing?), then Dangerkitty and Sleeeve honeymooned on the leftover Tarzan and the Lost City "location" site on Monkeyboy Island, and SnoopySucks was found (Tony aside: Shouldn't that say "rescued"?), IceCat won the gufu IC challenge, and Sleeeve became the latest victim in the BlowsVivor archives, breaking tribal alliances and sending the politics of the game into spoiler-frenzy ratings-grabbing beyond our wildest dreams! One more, at least, will get flamed in Episode 10: "The Birds!" (Tony aside: You do realize I expect to be paid extra for this.)

And then we got the opening credits, which still haven't changed a whit from the first episode (I really missed that from the first time around, drat it.), and then ... oh, no, the sponsor drill from hell (this thing has more investors than "The Producers" I think), that can only mean, yep, we go straight into commercials, I hate when they do that. Oh, cool, the first one is new, ItzLisa running for the lousy over-priced tennies sponsor, that's an Index-click for the recorder because, you know, ITZ JUST IZZ!!!

Oh, neat, the next one is a spot for those SUCoffins-on-Wheels and it stars Desert Rhino, VampKira, and Not Shakes. Man, is that wacko casting or what? You just have to love the finish of it:

VampKira: Crank it up, man this thing has a massive sound system!
Not Shakes: The accoustics are killing me!
Desert Rhino (driving): Man, this thing just loves the road!
VampKira: Quail crossing the road!
Not Shakes: Floor it, Rhino!
Desert Rhino: Kaaaaaaaa-Booooom!

And as the feathers went flying the sponsor logo came up. Oh, then there were a bunch of ads we all already know by heart, and finally the show started for real.

Night cam: DAW camp Day 28 4:00 A.M., all six remaining Vivors asleep under the stars, one is talking in his sleep:

Survivorerist: Oh, Lamber, Oh, Lamber, you are my everything, my one and only, please please... (mumblemumble)

Then WoodstockBites enters the camp, looks around wondering why bother even calling it a camp, then hops to RudyRules' hat and hops on the rim.

WoodstockBites: " "" "" " "" {I just flew in and boy am I tired, mind if I come in and rest?}

Mr. PlayBunny then stuck his head out from inside the hat.

Mr. PlayBunny: ** ** * **** ** * {I thought you'd never get here, get inside before any of these losers spots you.}

SnoopySucks nudges RudyRules as WoodstockBites disappears into the hat.

RudyRules: I saw, what about ..?

And SnoopySucks nodded "yes" and then we saw a barn owl taking flight away from the camp. Wildlife shots, segue to morning, 8:00 A.M. and all the Vivors are up, shots of constructing a shelter.

Survivorerist (confessional): Last night's Tirbal Council was a wake-up call for me, if Sleeeve hadn't gone for IceCat's trick I would be out of the game. That was quite a shock, I thought I was on top of things even though my tribe was outnumbered. I'm going to have to refigure things now, the dynamics of the game are different now that the AA's and BB's are equal. Well, the next tc is three days away, I have time. It rained last night, first thing we got onto this morning was building a proper shelter, I think I did myself good by throwing in like last night wasn't nearly the end of the road for me.

Shots of all the castaways building new shelter.

Dangerkitty (confessional): I lost it last night at the tc, I realize that, and that wasn't good. I was stunned when I realized Sleeeve had voted against me, I didn't think logically about what to do, and now Sleeeve is gone. Maybe that would have been the smart thing anyway, me voting against him in the tie-breaker, but I lost my cool and that's not good. I forgot my Heisenberg, the uncertainty principle: You can never be certain of anything at any time. That's what this game is all about when you come down to it. I won't let anyone catch me like that again.

Shots of Outfrontgirl and George Tirebiter getting breakfast cooking, such as it is, as the construction of the new lean-to is completed.

RudyRules (confessional): Last night's tribal council didn't go the way it should have, Sleeeeve did a dumb thing siding with the enemy and now we all got to make up for it somehow. I've been paying close attention, though, and these losers still don't seem to understand what they got themselves into. There's a player here who's been asking for it all along, all I got to do is make it plain to the rest of them and their emotions will do the rest. Idiots!

Shots of tortilla-brunch being served, then IceCat and Survivorerist go out scrounging while the rest finish constructing the new shelter.

George Tirebiter (confessional): I'm real disappointed in IceCat, after last night and the rain, none of us getting any sleep until late, I knew Survivorerist would try to find an escape from the group, but IceCat always seemed more on the ball than that.

Later, IceCat returned from foraging with one knife and one cooking pot, Survivorerist returned with one cooking pot.

Outfrontgirl (confessional): Dangerkitty voted Sleeeve out last night, she betrayed the tribe. I can see it all now, I've been a fool. Dangerkitty and RudyRules must have buddied up somewhere along the way to get themselves to the final two, it's the only thing that makes sense, Sleeeve wouldn't have gone against the tribe otherwise. And she's been playing me all along, telling me what she thinks I want to hear, like a Marie Antoinette, you know. Well, I did not come here to be conned by some cake-eating wannabe underwear model. I'm in a bad spot now, best I might be able to make is the final three, so I have to figure something out. I have to play the silly "estrogen alliance" card now, but that may be my best shot.

Transitional shots, Survivorerist and Dangerkitty go for treemail, act excited {yawn}. Then they returned to camp and ... well, let's skip the wretched poetry and abysmal acting at the behest of the line producer with no imagination but plenty of aspirations: They're going to an auction, and each gets a big purse, called a wallet for some unfathomable reason, which contains only a piece of plastic money from the plastic money sponsor, worth $500.00.

Transitional segue to Challenge Beach where bleachers have been set up for the lethargic players to position themselves, AyaProbe enters the scene and explains the deal, this is going to be a funfunfun challenge where everyone can win if they play their cards right, they can all fill up and get energized and, in a surprise twist, each gets to grab a mystery bag as well as the food they bid on, supplies for the deprived camp or something they can keep for their own personal use if they want. Oh yeah, I'm buying this big time, what a great deal!

Anyway, the first item up for bid: A peanut butter bar from peanut butter bar sponson, and a noxious brew from noxious brew sponsor: George Tirebiter takes it for $25.00 with no competition, and gets a toothbrush and tube of toothpaste in her mystery bag as well, courtesy of the over-priced supply-shop sponsor with the bull's-eye emblem.
Goerge Tirebiter (hopping and happy excited): This is the best game ever!

Next up: Outfrontgirl gets a double-decker pbj sandwich with a jug of milk for $50.00, and her mystery bag contains soap and razors (oh yeah, I am so buying that they stay so presentable without make-up artists), and oh, does she act like it's chocolate, man you got to give that lady credit for stretching.

Then: For $25.00, because everyone got it right off, RudyRules takes the stash of beef jerky supplied by the beef jerky sponsor, takes one chaw for himself and the rest goes to SnoopySucks, and his mystery bag contains {yawn}: A Spice Rack! I mean, not just the rack, jars with the actual spices in them as well. Good Lord, this is so obvious, they're resupplying the losers from their flood losses as much as possible, how pathetic can "dramality" get!?

Next up, though, was a mystery plate covered by a bowl, which caused some speculation from the losers (thank God!):

Survivorerist: I bet this one is the grand prize!
Dangerkitty: Whatever you think, think something else.
George Tirebiter (laughing): I will not eat green eggs and ham! You guys, there could be anything under that bowl!
RudyRules: I been conserving my energy by sleeping, you idiots bid on this one if you want.

Well, the bidding was high, though GT and RR stayed out of it, and IceCat took it for $175.00 in the end, and it turned out to be a slice of Supreme Pizza from Pizza sponsor with a glass of overcaffinated cola from Over-Caffinated Cola sponsor, and IceCat's mystery bag contained poker chips, lord only knows why: BUT ...

AyaProbe: You all remember one of the questions on your "fill in the blanks" while you were locked in a bare room for ten days, one was what kind of pizza would you order? Well, IceCat, everyone's answer is contained on a slip in this hat!

AyaProbe then produced a BlowsVivor hat and a subliminal flashed for the website where to order one from.

AyaProbe: IceCat, you get to pick three slips from this hat, the three pizzas you pick will be delivered for tomorrow's dinner by ... (Well, greasylame pizza sponsor got in on it two ways there, so then IceCat dipped his paw into the hat and drew out the first selection.)

AyaProbe: ItzLisa's choice was double-four-cheese pizza. Too bad she won't be here for it, IceCat pick another!

AyaProbe: Survivorchick's choice reads, "That doggy chow all those Americans love so much."

Survivorerist: She must have meant sausage,
Outfrontgirl: Or pepperoni!

AyaProbe: It says "doggy chow" so "doggy chow" you get!
And then he got on his cellular Swiss army knife to legal about additional product placement, then he hung up and asked IceCat to make his final pick. IceCat dipped his paw in and drew out the thrid slip.

AyaProbe: Pepe's order, Le 'za d'amour, figue et asperges et champignon et escargot!

And just as I was reaching for Dalton's French-Pidgin Dictionary --

Dangerkitty: Oh no!

AyaProbe: That's one with figs, asparagus. mushroom and snail.

RudyRules: Those French will eat anything!

Anyway, IceCat then took his slice of supreme and enjoyed it, and the auciton continued; Dangerkitty took a Taco Plate supplied by the Texmex sponsor, George Tirebiter took a Greek Gufu salad from the writer who decided to take pity on her, Outfrontgirl got a plate of pasta and meatballs (all of these, mind you, with suitable beverages from the beverage sponsors), and IceCat and Dangerkitty split a cheese tray which they sneaked bits and pieces from to SnoopySucks, much to RudyRules admiration. Finally, RudyRules took the grand prize amidst heavy bidding: a massive Rueben sandwich with chips and a juicy dill pickle, along with a tall chilled bottle of the brew from the brew sponsor, and all told, in addition to the aforementioned supplies each took back to camp, they got a supply of powerbars, a jar of kibble, and lord only knows what, damn how they edit these things!

Meanwhile, back at the shelter:

WoodstockBites: " "" " """ "" " {I can't believe you've stayed couped up all this time, that's not like you.}
Mr. PlayBunny: * ** **** ** *** * {I didn't spend all those years as a center square to end up as the main course on Gilligan's Island, you know.}
Owl in distance: hoohoooo hooo hoo hooot {pandora spocks}
WoodstockBites: " "" """ "" "" " {That's the signal, back in the hat!}

And then the players returned to camp, hopping and bopping because their systems couldn't handle all the rich food they'd had, and there were a bit of humoristic moments involving everyone hopping and running and hopping and feeling put out and all, but they all took it well actually.

Survivorersit: I really don't feel as put out as the rest of these people right now but I got to play along, they would all having the creeps if they found out I was keeping my energy up by eating termites all this time.

And then there was a commercial break, first Idiotcowboy and Skierdude in a videogame extreme bit for overcaffinated soda, then a bunch of monkeybutlers cleaning out the diamond hocker with pretensions of elegance. Hm, I guess Monkeyboy really did get paid. Ah, then there were some more of them commercials we all already know by heart. It was to be expected.

To Be Continued...