I’m A Celebrity – Get Me Out Of Here!
Episode 9 Summary
“The First Cut Is The Deepest”
Previously on I’m A Celebrity – Get Me Out Of Here!…
The faux celebrities gasped as self-appointed camp kingpin Robin was escorted out of camp to join his fellow leeches. One down, nine to go. Will America continue to target the whiners, such as Robin’s toadies Melissa and Bruce … or will it shift to the fighters, Kimmi and Alicia … oops, that’s Alana and Julie … the bores, Cris and Maria … or the oddball, Tyson? The only two people who look completely safe are the two best-known among the 16-year-old boys in the viewing audience: Stuttering John, because of his gig on the raunchy Howard Stern Show, and ex-Playmate Nikki. (Hmmm, does anyone else remember that the two finalists on the U.K. version of this show were a male radio host and a female model?) On that note, we rejoin the fauxies just after Robin’s boot yesterday.
Everyone is shocked that Robin’s gone. Everyone but Alana, that is. She says that she knows the other fauxies wanted her to be the first boot. She tells Robin’s close ally Bruce that things in camp will be better now that domineering Robin is gone. Way to make friends, Alana. Don’t you remember your ex-husband’s hit song, “The First Cut Is The Deepest”? OK, so that wasn’t true for Sonya … or Debb … or Diane … or Peter … but it may be true here.
Melissa says that Robin’s boot pulled the rug out from under her, but that Tyson was taking it even worse. Apparently, once Tyson was dumped by Cris, he turned his focus to Robin. THAT mental image can’t help the ratings. Tyson said that the Robin boot was like the DJ leaving with all the records. No, Tyson, he left your broken record behind.
Alana discusses whether the next temporary camp leader should be John or Tyson. Bruce prefers John. Alana agrees, saying that she thought Tyson would be more like a drill sergeant. John it is. Then Alana turns on her passive/aggressive personality, whining about how people didn’t think she did a good job as the leader. Oh, goody, Alana has decided to increase her own whining to make up for the absence of Robin’s whining. Viewers are sure to love that, Alana.
Julie says that John is the funniest guy she ever met. Tyson says John needs to get in shape. John farts. That’s entertainment?
Now we get to see more comments from the previously-booted Robin, discussing his own fight with Alana (which somehow didn’t make it onto the air) and giving his opinion of the others. He likes his partner-in-whine Melissa and Tyson (ewww, it’s a reciprocated crush), plus Julie, Cris (and he once again blasts J-Lo on Cris’s behalf, proving that he’s never let a lack of knowledge stop him from giving his opinion about anything), John and Bruce. He criticizes Maria for backstabbing and Nikki for her focus on her looks. Hey, America voted this guy out, how come he’s still around? When we vote someone out, we want him or her to be GONE, not to return for an extended discussion. Zzzzzz.
With Robin gone, Alana cooks bean soup. Maria helps. It’s a disaster. The soup is dark, but the beans are light. Finally, they decide to strain the food and start over. Don’t look for Alana on the next edition of Iron Chef.
Now that America votes on the person to be booted, the fauxies can pick their own participant for the Bush Tucker Trial. Bruce volunteers. Will an ex-jock do better than the women have done?
Surprisingly, this isn’t another challenge recycled from Fear Factor. Instead, it’s a straight physical challenge that would have been at home on better reality shows than this one. Bruce’s task is to climb a waterfall (a rope has been positioned to help him), pick up the 9 stars located along the way and attach them to his belt, and reach the top within 9 minutes. If he makes it, he wins 9 meals. The catch to this trial is that if he fails to reach the top with all 9 stars within 9 minutes, he wins NO meals. So it’s all or nothing for the former world champion decathlete. Can he do it?
Well, of course he can, if it’s doable. He struggles a little with the fifth star and needs to use a stick to get the ninth star, but he makes it to the top within the time limit, meaning that the fauxies will get to eat well tonight. He tells the host, John LIVE, that this was the most exciting thing he’s done so far. It’s hard to disagree with that; the only other thing I can think of that Bruce has done, other than whine, is organize the “rain Olympics” in camp two days ago.
Julie and Cris go after the treasure chest. When they find the location, she has to be harnessed and pulled up a tree to get the key. Cris straps her in. They act as if bondage turns them on. Next thing you know, the fauxies will be asking the producers for a leather room. They might even get it. Hey, producers, this is supposed to be roughing it, not like summer camp for pampered pets!
Back in camp, here’s the question: “Women who read romance novels have sex: more often or less often?” Alana says less often, because they reach for such novels to relieve their own frustration. She appears to be speaking from experience. No wonder she didn’t want to bathe on this show. Tyson and Alana smell the box and decide that the better smell comes from the “less often” side, so they go along with Alana’s answer … and they’re right. They get homemade brownies. Grrrr. This doesn’t look like suffering in the jungle to me! It’s not even raining!
During two LIVE breaks, everyone gets asked if they want to stay or go. All but two simply say they want to stay. Cris says he wants his charity to win more money … a sneaky way of begging to stay by pointing out that he’s playing for a charity. Maria, though, says that she’s had enough and she’s ready to go. Will the viewers oblige?
Now we get some fauxie banter. Melissa tells about her mom’s plastic surgeries: according to her, Joan Rivers had a full face lift 20 years ago and now goes in for periodic touch-ups. (P.S. I saw an old episode of the Joan Rivers Show where she actually detailed her plastic surgeries and then went through her opinion of which plastic surgeries Michael Jackson had had done. In the current “Wacko Jacko”-mania, it might be worth updating that!) John says that Joan looks great now. He then goes on to make an obvious comparison: that Bruce is the male Nikki, obsessed with his appearance. We see John ask Bruce if he wears makeup. Bruce says he just has a good haircut. Sure, Brucie, makeup and haircut – they look a lot alike.
Time for the serpent to slither back into Robin’s Garden of Eden and boot another fauxie. But, wait, a REAL serpent has slithered in first! Tyson screams upon seeing the snake. He’s sure it’s after him. For the second day in a row, the snake wrangler gets some air time, as he removes it from camp. Alana can’t believe the wrangler picked it up, even though that’s HIS JOB. Actually, though, she’s right – why not just let the snake choose which fauxie to boot next? Mark Burnett would just have told his crew to keep filming and get the anti-venom ready.
OK, once again we’re LIVE. John LIVE tells them that 7,000,000 calls were made. Boy, they should really take the automatic dialers away from the fauxies’ agents and managers. Tonight, he does the boot a little differently. As he goes through the fauxies, he tells Alana and Nikki that it might be one of them. Sure enough, they’re the only two left at the end. And the dramatic boot is … hey, wait a minute, didn’t I tell you that only two people were safe, and Nikki was one of them? So there isn’t any real drama here, is there? The boot is Alana, of course. It appears that America wants to give her a chance to get back to see her psychiatrist.
Alana was right. The others DID want to see her go. If, as Tyson said, Robin leaving was like the DJ taking the records, then Alana leaving was like going to the dance club with your best friends. It looks like it’s all they can do to keep from cheering.
Alana says that she was happy to make it for as long as she did, because she got sick the first day that she showed up, and then all it did was rain. *whine* The weather didn’t get nice until the day she left. *woe is me* The others didn’t accept her because she was inept at first, but she tried her hardest. *poor me* She didn’t understand what the fight with Julie was about. *huh?* She’s a lover, not a fighter. *waaah* Alana, please, when you get back to L.A., go see your shrink at once. Better yet, see if the producers will fly one directly to you – you probably shouldn’t even do tomorrow night’s recap before seeing one.
In a final LIVE shot, we see the eight remaining fauxies stick pins in an Alana voodoo doll. Then they strike up a chorus of “Ding, Dong, The Witch Is Dead.” Nope, they aren’t too happy, are they? If the first cut was the deepest, this wasn’t even like a cut. More like an exorcism.
Next time: will Maria get her wish? Or will the audience get its wish to lose another whiner?
Soylent Green: recycling America, one person at a time.