LAST EDITED ON 10-03-03 AT 06:14 PM (EST)

LAST EDITED ON 10-03-03 AT 06:01 PM (EST)

WARNING: Extremely long summary for an extremely dull episode. (Doesn't quite make sense somehow, does it?)

"This episode contains discussions of sexual behavior. Viewer discretion is advised." Really? Is that a promise? God, I hope so…

These four couples...blah, blah, blah...incredible adventure...yeah, yeah...test their devotion...yada, yada, yada...separate ends of island...ah, here we go...Our fearless leader, Marky Mark comes striding down the beach. "Who will stay together? Who will be torn apart?" (Who cares?...well, I guess I do, since I am writing the re-cap.) Oh, here’s my favorite part of any TI episode, Marky Mark’s patented spin move on the beach. "Find out here..." Marky’s arms fling wide open as he spins to look up at the camera, "...on Temptation Island." Boring intro graphic of singles whose names I never learned.

Previously on TITee: Jason gave Sandra some H-E-double hockey sticks at dinner, while Michael sat by and smiled gleefully. Sandra eventually got her little bootee kicked off the island, while Michael continued to be a Skank-oid. Meanwhile, Kristin got all up in Melissa’s business, which really had no purpose besides making Melissa want Jerome even more. At the girls’ bonfire, an historic TI first occurred when Melissa was forced to watch Michael’s video with headphones, because he’s a dirty Skank-oid and Fox (even with the success of Joe Millionaire) couldn’t afford enough censors to edit everything he said.

Palmetto Bay Plantation (Home of the women and the himbos), Night 13, 30 minutes after bonfire: Melissa continues to be shocked by what she witnessed on Michael’s videotape and feels like she doesn’t really know Michael anymore. Single guy Ryan tries to cheer her up by telling her how wonderful and beautiful she is and how she can have any guy she wants. Guess the Miss New York sash and tiara never made that clear. Meanwhile, Stephanie talks about how Anthony’s video of him with Ashley reminds her of when she first fell in love with Anthony. Honey, if Anthony making out with another chica reminds you of when you fell in love with him, your relationship is more messed up then I thought. Stephanie tells Jeff that what bothered her most about Anthony’s video is that he wasn’t acting like a pig. (See Skank-oid, Michael.)

(Starry)Luna Beach Resort(Home of the men and the bimbos), Day 14, 60 hours till the final bonfire: The guys head to final date selection. Along the way, Michael talks about how he’s torn between Tiffany and Ida and how he wants to get to know Ida better. He must think Ida will be an easier lay then Tiffany.

1, 2, 3...hmm...I only count 7 bimbos left. Interesting, because when we last saw the guys, they had just kicked off Sandra, leaving 8 bimbos. Ah...in a quick flashback, we see Jason giving Eve the boot. Just like last season, I guess the producers felt the vote-offs just weren’t important enough to the outcome of the show.

Eric leads off in the final date selection and chooses Ida, who shoots him down and declines, saying that she doesn’t think he’s picking her for the right reason and that she has more of a connection with someone else (glances at Skank-oid). (Skank-oid: "Oh, my God." Yeah, I’ll second that.) Okay, to me, the singles on this show are only a few levels above prostitutes. I mean, their whole purpose is to tempt people into cheating on their significant other. Getting selected for the final date is like being a hooker chosen to service the President of the United States or something. It’s kind of the ultimate prize. Plus it’s what they’re there to do! So, I didn’t think it was too cool of Ida to decline Eric. Eric kind of gestures around, a little confused and says that any one of the women would be great to go with. Mark tells Eric to sit down, while we sort out the other men’s selections.

Jason chooses Amy, with whom he had a really bad hiking date. Jason says this will be the best date and that it will make up for their bad date. As long as he doesn’t yell at her, they’ll probably have a good time. Anthony chooses (shocker of shockers) Ashley, the single who looks most like his girlfriend.

It’s Skank-oid’s turn. Marky Mark tells Skank-oid that this is "Last lap of temptation," (What the hell is this, Temptation Island or a NASCAR race? Fox sure will push their NASCAR coverage anywhere they get a chance.) and that he must choose "the one you really want to be with." Ida yells out to Skank-oid to "Be true to yourself." Skank-oid apologizes to Tiffany as he chooses Ida, saying he feels something strong with Ida. I have a hunch that only certain parts of his anatomy feel anything. Tiffany seems upset, but proves she's not as dumb as I thought by saying that "Michael wants to cheat on his girlfriend, but he's afraid to." Wow, she's pretty insightful. Of course, her following comment just serves to negate everything she just said: "If Michael wasn't scared of cheating on Melissa, I'd be the one going on that final date."

Back to Eric, who looks the ladies over, says again that he’d love to go with any of them and finally chooses Kaileen. Kaileen’s probably one of the cooler single girls on the island and isn’t insulted at being Eric’s second choice, instead being positive about the fact that she gets to go on the final date.

The coupled women make their way to their final date selection. Kara goes first and chooses Ian. Melissa gets up and thanks all the guys for being there and says she’s made some new friends (I guess there were some guys on the island who didn’t mind Jerome.) and says she wants to date the man who owns a bracelet she holds up. To nobody’s surprise, the bracelet’s owner is Jerome. Stephanie stops fighting her feelings and chooses Jeff. Kristin gets up and chooses Ryan, who runs like a dog in heat to join her on her lounge chair.

At (Starry)Luna Beach, the coupled men are having private dinners with their chosen dates. Not much to report except that Ida is a total Valley girl. "I cannot wait, like, to spend time with Michael, and have, like, a crazy time, because I know we’re just gonna have, like the craziest time ever!" Plus what the hell is up with that one feather earring? She seriously belongs back in 1985.

Day 15, 36 hours to final bonfire. Finally, it’s time for Final Dates! The new couples head off on their dates and (to borrow a line from my TI2 summary of final dates) "each couple ends up someplace exactly like what they just left behind." I can’t write it any better then that.

Anthony and Ashley go to the Meson Panza Verde in Antigua, Guatemala. It’s a really nice resort and their room is kick-ass. Stephanie and Jeff go to Jaguar Paw in Belize. Wasn’t one of the other seasons of TI filmed there? Their date is definitely recycled from one of the past seasons, right down to the inner-tubing through the cave.

Kristin and Ryan head to Plantation Beach in Cayos Cochinos and go snorkeling. Kristin admits she’s looking forward to seeing Eric again. Since we know Kristin and Eric are definitely staying together, their dates are pretty boring. Eric and Kaileen get what I think is the absolute coolest date of all – they go to the Mayan Ruins in Copan, Honduras.

Jason’s final date with Amy is to the Posada Del Sol in Guanaja, Honduras. No hiking for this date. Jason says this scuba-diving date was much better then their hiking date and says that if their first date hadn’t been so bad, this final date wouldn’t have been so good. His twisted logic does make some sense somehow. Meanwhile, Kara and Ian stay at Chan Chich Lodge in Belize. They find a cave in the jungle which is actually an ancient king’s tomb. They’re only about three feet into the tomb when they realize the wall is covered with bats, so they both chicken out and head out of the cave.

Skank-oid and Ida go white-water rafting in Pico Bonito. Oh, please, please, please let one or both of them fall out of the raft and knock some sense into themselves...more than once, if possible. Another problem with the way Ida talks is that she says everything as a question. "Michael and I went to Pico Bonito? We went white-water rafting? I felt like a little kid, and that was amazing, ‘cause, like, no one’s, like, done that to me in so long?" 1985, Ida, 1985. Melissa and Jerome get to go to the Maruba Jungle Spa in Belize. You know what that means...yep, it’s the patented TI spa date, complete with mud massage. For this date, Melissa got painted to look like a cheetah and Jerome became a tiger. I can think of other animals that would have been more fitting, but I’ll leave that to your own imaginations. Speaking of imaginations, there isn’t much left to ours on this date, as we see several shots of Melissa’s ass, with only a thin strip of pink fabric in between the cheeks.

Melissa and Jerome do body shots before dinner and do each other after dinner. Actually, I can’t confirm that, since we’re only treated to a 10-second clip of a night vision camera peeking through their blinds. How classy. Meanwhile, Ida does just about everything but crawl on the bed naked in an attempt to woo Skank-oid, but Skank-oid’s finally starting to realize how good he has it with Melissa and that it might not be good for their relationship if he has sex with another woman. Ida, the shootist, becomes the shot down.

Eric and Kai have dinner. Kristin and Ryan have dinner. Eric and Kristin spend their dinners telling their dates how great their significant other is. Boring. NEXT!

Jason also spends his date telling Amy that he thinks Kara is the woman he wants to spend the rest of his life with. Kara and Ian talk about what Kara wants in the future and how Kara wants to be independent. A little more exciting then Kristin and Eric, but only just.

Stephanie and Jeff have dinner in one of Jaguar Paw’s caves. Jeff has such a southern accent: “We got pretty physical afterwards, we was huggin’ and you know, we was just feelin’ each other.” More night vision camera shots, of Jeff and Stephanie hugging each other. No boots-knocking for these two, as Stephanie has boundaries she doesn’t want crossed while she’s still in relationship. But, it’s okay to go on a show called Temptation Island. Anyway, Anthony and Ashley have a romantic dinner. Anthony says he’s been holding back, but now he’s going to open up to Ashley. There’s some whispering and kissing at dinner, then the two of them go back to the hotel room and make out some more. C’mon, lets get some action, please!!! Ashley says that she’s falling in love with him as the night vision camera shows us Anthony taking off his shirt, lying on top of Ashley and kissing her. YES! FINALLY! Action on Temptation Island 3! Oooh, it’s getting hot...it’s getting steamy...its...its...its...a commercial. NOOOOO! Damn you, Fox!

Day 16, 12 hours to final bonfire. The dates draw to a close as everyone heads back to Palmetto Bay and (Starry)Luna Beach. Voice-overs from most of the couples tell us what some of them are thinking. Anthony thinks that his experience with Ashley could be the start of something new; Stephanie says she wouldn’t trade any of her time with Jeff; Melissa says she hardly thought of Michael during her time with Jerome; Skank-oid says that he’s realized he’s truly in love with Melissa and that he wants to be with her.

Palmetto Bay, 2 hours to final bonfire: Marky Mark gives the coupled women and their boy-toys some time to say goodbye. Jeff says to Stephanie "I think you know how I feel. I’m not going to say anything else, so let’s just chill." Oh, he’s smooth. Kristin, meanwhile, is keeping track of where everyone else is and what everyone else is doing. She’s like that woman who lives on your street who knows what’s going on in everyone else’s life. Ryan finally interrupts Kristin’s running commentary by saying "You know, I’m right here." Priceless. Ryan and Kaileen definitely get the good sports awards (along with the poor suffering souls who had to date Valerie in season 1 and Shannon in season 2.) Melissa says that she doesn’t want to go to the bonfire and that she wants to stay with Jerome. Melissa, sweetie, I think you’ve got your answer. And, PS, it’s a good answer since your boyfriend is a Skank-oid.

(Starry)Luna Beach, 30 minutes to final bonfire: Wow, the producers are really cutting it close. The men also get a chance to say farewell to their dates. Ida cries when she says goodbye to Skank-oid. I’d cry too, but they’d be tears of joy and relief. Anthony comforts Ashley while she cries (Jeez, girls, these guys ARE NOT your boyfriends! They’re just men cheating on their girlfriends with you!)

Zero Hour: Final Bonfire Our first couple up for the slaughtering is Jason and Kara. Jason struts into the bonfire and Marky Mark compliments Jason on how he’s grown during his time here. Funny, he doesn’t look any taller...oh, Marky must mean how he’s grown in maturity. Yeah, because cussing a girl out on national TV will always make you look like a class act. Jason tells Mark he sees his own faults and knows how he needs to change for Kara. Marky sends Jason away and welcomes Kara to his sacrificial fire pit. Kara says she’s ready to see Jason and that she’s missed him, but that she also realizes that she needs her independence. Jason comes back and tells Kara the he missed her eyes and that he missed her, that he’s learned so much and has become a better man. Kara smiles at all he said, then basically tells him that although she loves him, that she needs a breather after all this. Jason looks upset and hurt, but he stays calm and supports Kara’s decision. I was actually rooting for Kara and Jason, so I’m a little sad to see them break up.

Skank-oid enters the Place-That-Cannot-Be-Named. I wish and hope that Marky will make Skank-oid his sacrifice and throw him into the fire, but then I remember that it’s not really a bonfire, just a campfire. So close... Skank-oid says he’s nervous (guess he finally got a clue that everything he did and said was videotaped.) He says he thinks this time on the island made Melissa realize what she had. Yep, Melissa’s realized what she had and she’s realized, it ain’t good. You can tell from how Mark treats Michael that even he thinks Michael is a Skank-oid. Melissa tells Mark that she’s feeling overwhelmed, nervous and confused. Melissa says she loves Skank-oid, but that’s not enough to keep them together. Mark and Melissa talk about how shocking the last bonfire was for her. Skank-oid returns and Mark tells Melissa the floor is hers. Melissa giggles and hesitates as we go to commercial. When we get back, she’s still giggling and hesitating. Good grief woman, speak already! Skank-oid looks so cocky, I wish she’d just slap him and leave it at that.

Melissa tells Skank-oid that some of his video clips were very shocking, which surprises him. He must have a very selective memory. Melissa tells Skank-oid that she met somebody and that she has to follow her heart, and again mentions the video. Skank-oid says "On the flip side, I saw some video of yourself and it wasn’t what I expected." ‘I saw some video of yourself?’ Who talks like that? Grammar class, Skank-oid? Remember that? Must be that selective memory again. Skank-oid comes up with some story about how he was making a huge connection with Tiffany but that he denied her for the final date and took Ida because he realized that Melissa was the one for him. Skank-oid asks Melissa what she wants to do and Melissa basically gives him the heave-ho. Skank-oid looks pretty shocked and upset. I was hoping he’d get up and storm out, like Mark did to Kelley last season, but he didn’t. Skank-oid then acts like a three-year-old and tells Melissa "I have nothing to say anymore." Mark intervenes but Skank-oid says "I have nothing to say." Mark tells Skank-oid there may be a time when he wants to talk to Melissa but Skank-oid says "No, there won’t." Oh, grow up, you big baby.

Time for our next contestant! Oh, it’s just Eric...yawn. He loves Kristin...no surprise. Here comes Kristin...She loves Eric...although she’s worried that Eric will want to go back to his old lifestyle. What is his old lifestyle, you ask? Well, apparently, he was the type of guy who liked to date a lot of girls. In other words, a single man. To the surprise of absolutely no one, they stay together. Time for them to go home to Farmville. Moving on...NEXT!

We’re finally down to our last bonfire of the evening. Anthony joins Mark at the fire pit and tells Mark he has no regrets. Ashley will be glad to hear that. Stephanie tells Mark she’s nervous and that she’s not sure what she’ll say to Anthony. Anthony comes back and the two of them look at the sand, then each other, then the sand, then each other and so on and so on for a little while.

Stephanie and Anthony begin discussing whether or not they want to stay together. "Discussing" doesn’t really describe the way they converse with one another, but it was the best term I could think of. Their conversation was spoken at such a low volume and was littered with so many sighs, sniffles, and sobs that it was almost impossible to understand them. Fortunately, Fox was kind enough to be sure Temptation Island was aired in closed captioning, otherwise I don’t think anyone would ever know what was said.

Stephanie tells Anthony the biggest turning point for her was watching video of him with Ashley and how sad it made her that he hasn’t touched her like that in a long time, but at the same time it made her happy to see him happy. Stephanie doesn’t know if she makes Anthony happy. She’s not sure if it’s time for them to separate, but says that she has to have him in her life in some way.

Anthony replies that he’s always there for Stephanie, no matter what and that he wants her to be happy and with whoever she wants. He says that they’re soul mates. God, what is up with all this soul mate crap on TV these days? Anthony asks her to be honest to herself and asks if she wants them to go their separate ways. I never actually see or hear Stephanie say yes, but apparently she does. Anthony tells Stephanie that he came to Temptation Island for her. They agree that they don’t want the other to change, but that they don’t want to change for each other and that they love each other and want each other to be happy. This is quite possibly the strangest break up ever shown on TV. They both start crying and hugging and holding each other.

Marky Mark tells them their journey is over and Stephanie actually pulls Anthony up off the log and the two walk out holding hands. Their break up was definitely the most emotional one ever seen on this show.

Updates: "In the weeks following bonfire Jason and Kara rekindled their relationship." All together now: Awwwwww. "They are very much in love and living in Las Vegas."

"Despite the dramatic end to their relationship, Michael and Melissa remain friends." Too bad for Melissa. "They are both single. Although Melissa is planning to visit Jerome in Miami soon." Good to know a single on this show is getting some lovin’ after the show ends.

"After returning home, Stephanie and Anthony began their lives apart from each other." I think for much of the viewing audience, this blurb was how we found out Stephanie and Anthony’s decision. And now, for the big, big news of the night: "Stephanie has moved to California and is now living with Jeff." Hooray! Fox finally achieved their goal of actually breaking up one of these couples and starting a new relationship between a coupled person and a single. "Anthony is single and living in Chicago. He and Ahsley pursed a relationship together but are taking things slowly." Okay, they "pursued" a relationship, meaning it didn’t work out, but they’re "taking things slowly." Uh-huh, that sentence makes sense.

And finally, "Eric and Kristin are deeply in love and living together in Los Angeles." Guess Farmville just wasn’t doing it for them anymore. "They have no plans to marry...yet." Because why get married when you can live in sin?

And so ends another season of Temptation Island. Three destroyed relationships...its all in a days work for Mark L. Whalberg. (The ‘L’ is for lecherous leeches, lusty lovin’ and lost lovers.) Don’t hold your breath for a fourth edition, but considering that’s what we all said at the end of season two, I guess its entirely possible. Let’s just hope it’s more interesting than this season was.