LAST EDITED ON 10-04-03 AT 09:43 PM (EST)

That should read Episode FIVE. I don't want to step on StarryLuna's toes.

Temptation Island Episode 5 Summary :
“I don’t remember, I just talk”

Ah, yes. Welcome back to the wonderful world of Temptation Island. Today, we have two solid hours for your delight.
Hm. Maybe not. Delight is perhaps a strong word. Let’s rather say that here is a train wreck where you don’t have to pretend not to be looking, but you still want to wash your hands afterwards.

We jump right into the action, such as it is, with Minotaur Boy snorting and stomping all over the place about some necklace and his girlfriend being disrespected, blah blah. Wait, is this a rerun? Oh, no, sorry. My mistake. Anyway, apparently Trashy Blonde Ho has been shooting her mouth off to Sleazebag about how Minotaur Boy is mad at his girlfriend. Sleazebag, being “so much more of a friend” to MB, has naturally done his best to suck up to the infinitely cooler.. uh, excuse me, has done his duty as a true friend and blabbed all about it. This results in MB yelling at TBH. Yee hah.

Naturally, TBH is all upset, because she doesn’t remember, she just talks. And you know what? I think she’s telling the truth. Unfortunately, MB doesn’t believe her, and he just gets “more and more aggressive” the more she apologises. Yes, honey. It’s called a power trip. He is enjoying this. So either walk away or use the tears to swab off some of that makeup.

Day 10

Poor Jeff is depressed. He was madly in love with Kara, and now he’s madly in love with Stephanie, and for some reason, Stephanie needs him to back off. Poor bruised flower. I mean, as he says to Dr. Kristen, “Everything she says makes sense to me”.

I bet that’s because she used words of one syllable.

Kara, meanwhile, makes some relatively sharp and pointed accusations (through her nose, admittedly, but you can’t have everything). She points out that Jeff doesn’t know what he wants; he seems to make deep, sincere connections with everybody and even she, heaven forbid, was fooled. Good job, Jeff!

What, of course, Jeff has failed to mention is that he was just yanking Minotaur Boy’s chain by seducing his girlfriend. He gets out of it with the explanation that he and Kara were just “friends”. Friends that he is in love with? Te quiero what? Excuse me?

The upshot, of course, is that he’s finished bugging Kara and is now busy invading Stephanie’s personal space. However, Stephanie has heavy issues on her mind (though how can you spend that much time thinking about Antony, really?) and would prefer to just have her own personal space. Jeff decides to hug her. Yup. Eau de armpit will really help her breathe, buddy.

Over at Luna, we’re still all embroiled in the Trashy Blonde Ho drama. Various shots of girls saying their stomachs are in knots, TBH coming in, boobs blazing, throwing accusations of ungentlemanly behaviour and betrayal. Shot of Sleazebag looking uncomfortable, as well he might. Who, exactly, is “talking smack about everyone” again?

At this interesting point, the guys walk in for what is, despite pre-commercial “High Noon” style shots, is quickly revealed to be a date pick. On top of that, the producers have decided to capitalize on the drama and have dredged out of their collective memories of summer camp some kind of warmfuzzy game (direly reminiscent of the Joe Schmo hottub lovefest) wherein the tempters tell the temptees their positive thoughts about them. Are you tempted? I’m tempted to change the channel, but the train wreck must go on. Bring on the speed daters!

One blonde tells Eric he’s intriguing.

Ashley tells Antony he has great style (is he still here? Who’s he?).

Michael starts off with his signature style and wit by observing that “Maria is in the hoooooussse”. We don’t hear what she says. That’s okay.
Trashy B. Ho tells Michael that she did like him, but he betrayed her. He puts on his signature look for this episode, the squirming stoolie, and looks away, blushing. Blushing? Ew.
Things do improve for him, however, as Miss Tiffany sits down and, giggling, tells him she “likes him”. (At this point, DH makes a somewhat rude observation in his native tongue that translates, in a Blows-PG13 kind of way, to “Her best quality is not her brain”. )
What really slays our fatal charmer (Michael, not DH) are Ida’s comments. She says he’s the coolest, the best, the best-looking, brak brak. He’s blown away; I’m blowing chunks.

Jason is told by numerous beauties that he is terrifying, but attractive. Miss Tiffany observes that he “scares the crap out of her”. Boo! As for the showdown with Trashy, it’s deeply anti-climactic. Yeah, you’re hurt, yeah, you don’t care. So shut up. Of course, she can’t, though he makes a pretty convincing stab at it.

After a few more loops of the forbidding stares and piggy narrowing of eyes, the date selection proceeds. Eric chooses Kaileen, who hasn’t had a date before. They go cycling, it’s awesome, she makes a donkey of herself, etc. I can’t even be bothered to think up donkey jokes.

Jason, perhaps channelling Eric, chooses Eve, who also hasn’t had a date yet. They chat, he’s a nice guy, the windsurfing is interesting and frustrating, but hard to manipulate. Sounds like Jason.
Then, in a freak twist, Jason now channels the cheesiness that is Michael and buys a gift for Kara on his date with Eve. He spends $2 on this sweet gesture.

Michael, perhaps because he’s a horny, egotistical moron, chooses Ida, who said all those flattering things about him. His charming quote (paraphrase, actually): “I chose Ida, even though I knew Tiffany would be mad, because I wanna open myself to someone else”. Hmm. I don’t think it’s yourself you wanna open so much as your fly, but you never know.

Check that. I do know. Especially since his conversation during the date is composed entirely of creepy, pseudo-suave lines that make my skin crawl. Does this guy ever say anything that isn’t lifted from a Penthouse letter? Apparently not. They snorkel, Michael smarms, whatever.
He does, however, provide us with some important insight. He is considering ... wait for it... it’s important.... asking IDA on his final date. Whew. What a twist. Did the earth move for you?

Anthony chooses Ashley. He likes her smile brak brak chemistry between them, brak brak brak, fun in the sun, brak brak, real connection, brak brak brak building friendship brak brak brak. Brak brak brak brak.

God Almighty, this is boring. Why is nobody making out, pray tell?

Mark L. Wahlberg comes in and asks if everybody’s kickin’ (the L is for Lame White Guy). Dramatic music flows around the table. Jason looks mean. The time has come for the elimination. The guys huddle. Ooooooo, the drama.

Well, yes, actually. Because when we see the huddle, guess who is doing all the talking? You are correct. Michael the Sleazebag Himbo Skank-Ho is talking a mile a minute about how Sandra is a drama queen. Apparently, she’s talking smack about the other girls, and causing trouble between him and Tiffany. He can’t figure out why, because he picked her first for a date, listened to her and consoled her, and was basically an all-round Super Guy.

Poor Sleazebag. You have to pity a man who is without both a character and a clue. Futher proof of this appears when somebody asks him if he is going to tell her. Sleazebag stops, looking like a weasel trapped in car headlights (unfair to weasels, I know), and, after a couple of seconds of piercing stares, agrees reluctantly. He then assuages his guilty conscience by all the normal blah blah about how she’s a great girl, but...

However, in a shocking twist, Trashy Blonde Ho replies with poise and class, stating her feelings about Jason and Michael clearly and wishing Eric and Antony the best. I’m scandalized that she didn’t break down and bawl, but maybe she was sick of reapplying that hideous eyeliner. Maybe she’s channelling Melissa the Beauty Queen. Maybe she has multiple personalities. Anyway, she’s gone, after some totally unnecessary footage of her packing. Do we really want to see all that crispy orange rotisserie skin again?

At the dinner table, there is more totally unnecessary footage of Michael. He is now asking all those around the table to have a “moment”, because heaven knows they should be all grateful to be here in the presence of the gloriousness that is him. Naturally, they should keep their smiles.

The other boys look as if they’d like to clock him, even Jason. Even the girls. Even Mark. Even DH, who gets up to go and renovate something.

Over on the girls’ side, after briefly being informed that they are going to “surprise” the boys in little black dresses (the operative word being black, apparently), we get a statement that Jeff is late because he decided his hat looked cheesy. Everyone is too polite to agree. However, this does lend some credence to his claims that he is honest. Well, maybe he is. He’s also arrogant, annoying, and has an oddly-shaped head and a stupid accent, but yes, he’s honest.

Currently, what he’s honest about is wanting to rip Stephanie’s clothes off. Oh, no. Sorry. He’s in touch with his emotions, not her dress. Got it.
Meanwhile, Stephanie would like him to go be in touch with his emotions or the nearest available substitute somewhere else, because, as she says, she has nothing to do but think and it’s giving her a headache. Jeff would really prefer to be close to her, but she’s backing away as fast as she can, because her head is full of whats-his-name.

Not a bad excuse. Personally, Jeff reminds me of my emotional-stalker ex; he has no boundaries and no brain. If I were Stephanie, I wouldn’t be taking four steps back, I would be running a mile a minute to get away from this guy and his camouflage pants.

We see a millisecond of Kara and the drool-worthy Ian before we move on to what is obviously high drama....

The B!tchy Fight
Starring :
Former Beauty Queen Mistakenly Infatuated With A Sleazeball
Perky Blonde Who Tries To Fix Everyone’s Life
The Hidden Camera On The Deck

FBQMIWAS: Jerome is so misunderstood. He smarms up to me, and that’s what I’m used to, so I get to keep him. Besides, his ugly chops make me look good.

PBWTTFEL: Well, because I’ve decided not to fool around because my boyfriend is really cute and much too good for me, I’ve decided that you have to follow the rules I set.

FBQMIWAS: Geez, it’s not like I’m sleeping with him. I’m just showing how caring I am, because despite the fact that he missed a spot shaving, thinks those hideous whiskers are cool, has an eyebrow problem, and is a boor, I think he’s misunderstood and not just obnoxious. See how deep I am?

PBWTTFEL: But I’m really horny and don’t like to see other people get any. His a$$ has to go to the kerb, because I’m Queen B around here.

FBQMIWAS: I think you’re a frigid ho.

PBWTTFEL: I think you’re a wench with overplucked eyebrows.

FBQMIWAS: I’ll b!tch-slap you if you’re not careful.

PBWTTFEL: I’ll call a lawyer if you don’t watch your lipliner.

THCOTHD: Shut up, you two.

I concur. Moving on.

Day 11

Cute, clueless Ian: Girls fighting. Blonde jealous. Frigid ho.

Kristen : Jerome is a jerk and he doesn’t think I’m cute.
Stephanie: Will someone take Jeff off my hands?

Melissa: Jerome is, like, so misunderstood. I’m so deep.

The date elimination is singularly lacking in drama, despite the valiant flourishes, because Stephanie broke poor surfer boy’s heart and now he has to go home. You can’t help but feel for him, especially because he says he doesn’t want to be clingy, but he won’t be missed.

Actually, this show wouldn’t be missed. What are the odds of it sinking into some heretofore undiscovered deep-sea trench and never being heard of again?

No such luck, however, so we go on more dates where nobody makes out. Hey, I would make out (especially with Ian), even five months pregnant and deeply in love with my husband. It’s tropical. It’s warm. Get over yourselves.

Stephanie chooses Michael because Jeff wears cheesy hats. Or something. They do something that they can’t do in New Jersey (how’s that for non-specific? Not that I’ve been to New Jersey. Or that I’m knocking New Jersey. Where the heck is New Jersey? Who is this black Michael person? Why am I covered in cat hair?).

Kristen chooses Jules, probably because his testosterone is all absorbed into his muscles and he is no kind of sexual threat. Also, he dresses badly. But he’s fun, i.e. gay. Oh, hold on. Not in those clothes. Whatever. At least she gets to see his more serious side.

Kara chooses Ian because he’s cool (and cute). The only thing interesting about this date, besides Ian in a scuba suit, is the presumably unintentional Barenaked Ladies quote, “I feel like Aquaman”. Seriously, that’s it. Oh, and Kara says “I seen”. These people need a script. Preferably involving making out.

Melissa chooses Jerome because, you guessed it, he’s so misunderstood. He also wears cheesy pants. Still, just because he’s defensive and loud doesn’t make him a bad person, because he’s so sweet in private. Um, hello? Michael? Can you say `pattern`, beauty queen?

Can we go back to the boys? Thank you.

The dates are over and everyone’s hanging out.

Ida, for some incomprehensible reason, starts bashing Eric. He’s stuck in his box (i.e. not in mine, therefore, he’s frigid...). Ooooooh, I get it. She’s hot for him and he’s thinking about Perky Blonde Thing. Therefore, he’s not cool, because he hasn’t changed into a slavering man-ho like Michael. I don’t blame her for being hot for him; I am. However, I don’t give her much credibility, both because of all the nice things she said about Michael earlier and the fact that she’s from Toronto. Neither are proof of good taste or balanced mind, if you ask me.

Michael is now getting sulked at by Tiffany because of his date with Ida, giving rise to..

My Favourite Michael Speech So Far:
“Well, you see, I am incredibly hot, so I was prepared for the consequences of my actions when I came on this show. I was planning to skank myself around to as many of the chicks that would look at me because I can; after all, they’re paid to tempt me, right? They’ll be easy pickings. What I figured was that I’d love ‘em and leave ‘em, and they’d just accept that, because I’m the god around here. I knew they would have broken hearts, but that’s the way the cookie crumbles.

Subtext: Because Ida didn’t put out, I went back to Tiffany to try and get some by illustrating my sexual know-how with incredibly crude gestures. She didn’t put out because I am a scumbag.

Tiffany Confessional (in words of one syllable): He talk bad to me. Very bad. Sex bad talk.

Somebody please sterilise these people before they reproduce. Please?

Ashley and Antony: brak brak adorable personalities brak brak brak. Brak cute when he’s sleeping brak brak brak good to meet her brak brak.

Jason is still madly in love with Kara. He is so wrapped up in this that he actually lets Michael talk to him. Anyone else reminded of Fonzie and Ralph Malph?

Fonzie (bigger and more tattooed than usual) : Ayy, I miss my chick.

Ralph: I’m okay, I mean, I’m in charge here. My girlfriend isn’t. I mean, she might get attacked while surrounded by producers and cameramen, because she’s a little bitty thing and that guy is a big, strong guy. Whaddya think, Fonz? Huh? What should I do? Should I get counselling because I sound like I have serious gender issues and could be a borderline rapist? Should I get a better haircut? Speech therapy?

Fonzie: Your girlfriend could kick your butt.

Ralph: Thanks, Fonz. Do you think she’ll want to get back with me after she’s seen what a man-ho I am?

Fonzie: Your girlfriend could kick your butt.

On the Other Side of the Island...

Joanie: I miss Ralph and his sweet, affectionate nature. Still, Chachi is just as sweet and sincere. What to do, what to do?

(Hint: Burn Jerome’s hat while you’re deciding, willya?)

Chick (Fonzie’s girls never have names) : Fonzie is a great guy. But should I be with him just because he’s cool? Yeah, maybe. Why think too hard?

At last (and I do mean at last, because I have one bad case of writer’s cramp and this summary is waaaaaay overdue), it’s bonfire time.

Lame White Guy asks “How are you, brother?”. Yeesh. Still, he can’t help but look good next to some of these guys. Maybe that’s why they were cast.

They have to watch the videos. Eric doesn’t watch his, and the guys as they are also not watching look like the three monkeys who hear no evil, see no evil, and speak no evil. Actually, if you think about it, they always look like monkeys. Except Eric, who is as babe-a-licious as usual.

Michael says he needs the support, which I strongly doubt. There are times when you know a man is tiny no matter what his size, ifyouknowwhatImean. OH, the video. Right. Well, if I had to listen to that screechy fighting voice, I’d want some help from my friends. They could serve me drinks.

Jason laughs at Kara dancing, says it’s okay, says he’s grown up, says he has to fix his flaws. Mark believes him (Well, there are l’s in gullible, I guess). Still, they’re doing wonders with plastic surgery these days, so you never know.

Is Antony still here? Oh, yeah, there he is. He watches Stephanie and Jeff cuddling. Brak brak Ashley brak Stephanie brak whatever. I cannot stir myself to care about this pretty boy.

Mark says to choose the final dates wisely, because it’s the final chance you get to bonk anyone with impunity. Or something. He also commends them for their bravery. For what? Avoiding the fire? Watching pretty girls all day? Spending that much time with Michael?

When it’s the girls’ turn, Kristen looks worried, but she does end up watching the video. Bad Perky! Still, she’s fortified (don’t ask me with what).

Kara is not surprised to see Jason yelling at someone. She asks what Trashy did and speculates on whether or not she should be with somebody that flawed. Oh, cruel irony.

Stephanie sees the brak brak clip and sits in awkward silence. Mark, obviously having been primed to poke her with a stick until she cries, finally has to give up with the lame observation that she “doesn’t want to talk”.

Melissa watches her gross video to the accompaniment of Kristen’s smug smiley face. Actually, she doesn’t even want to watch it because of the headphones, but Kristen says she doesn’t have to, so she does. Ah, the mastermind that is hidden under those curls!
We’ve seen it, so the rude talk and gestures are no surprise to us, but Beauty Queen is scandalized. Sure, he seems respectful to you, but that’s how the madonna/whore complex goes, darling. Hello? Pattern? Freak? It DOES make you look stupid, so flush this moron and get on with your life! Thank you.

Mark makes the sterling observation that she does not love the man in this video. Surprise, surprise.

They go away, we see shocking footage that will (hopefully) lead to Michael getting rejected.

I need a hot bath.

Sorry for the delay in getting this out... brak brak long week brak pregnant brak brak cat with gangrene brak brak brak...