There is no sex tape.How do we know there is no sex tape? Because we haven't seen it. It is not all over the internet.
There are no links.
If such a tape had ever existed, not even the combined resources of MTV and Lauren's family, and I suppose theoretically Jason's family, if he has one, would have been able to keep it off the internet.
Even the Hilton Hotel machine could not keep Paris's tape out of download directories from Tahiti to Tuscaloosa. That is just the reality we live in today.
So whatever Lauren may or may not have done in Spencer's presence, whatever Terrible Secrets he may have heard or seen during the time when the Speidi era overlapped with the Lauren-Heidi roomate era, without a tape, it is just gossip, and gossip from the flesh-colored furred lips of a world class a-hole who has not exactly established himself as a model of credibility.
If in fact he did become privy to any such Terrible Secrets, or witness to any scandalous behavior or tragic hairstyle involving Lauren, then he missed his chance for the big bucks, and shattered forever his dream of becoming the next Rick Salomon.
But, in fairness, we must accord Spencer his props - he has played the non-existent tape - and the viewing public - like a violin, and gotten his name in the mouths of the millions, and exponentially upped his "villain we love to hate" quotient.
If we will take a moment and remember, before the whole sex tape crap, Speidi was known and despised only by Hills fans. People who did not watch the show had no idea who either of them were.
But since all that, they are everywhere! MSNBC or somebody took them to that fancy press party at the White House. A Speidi-less episode of TMZ is a rare thing indeed. They are doing the talk-show circuit, and millions more people are tuning into the Hills just to see what all the fuss is about.
So a cartoon-grade reality show villain, a serial loser, manskank wannabe has successfully propelled himself - and his supporting cast member girlfriend - into the glare of the pseudo-fame stratosphere.
Ironically, had there BEEN a sex tape, it is very unlikely that all that would have happened. He would be, well, just another Rick Salomon, just another Ray-Jay, considering a gig on the Surreal Life as a career zenith.
All the attention would, of course, be on Lauren and her sex tape. Speidi would be forgotten, and fewer people would be able to name the "releaser" of the tape than are now able to identify Jen Bunney in a lineup.
Whatever actual money Spencer has been able to milk from his new-found fame, he owes to Lauren - for neglecting to make a sex tape.
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